WIBU to retract my RSVP?

[Hagrid3112]

One of my friends since high school is getting married in our hometown in a couple of months. We got the invitation through for the ceremony, then reception drinks and canapés. I figured this was all they were doing as I've never known people to only be invited to the ceremony, and excitedly accepted.

I live a 6hr drive away, so have to take 3 holiday days to attend, pay for boarding for all our pets, as well as 2 nights accommodation (we can't stay with family), then there's food, outfits, wedding gift etc, but more than happy to do that for a friend - admittedly not as close as we used to be since I moved away, but I always make arrangements to see everyone when I do get to go home, and we had everyone and partners all day to our wedding.

I've since found out that there is more to the wedding, but we aren't invited. Not a problem; we got married last year so understand about budgets etc.

The problem is, that there are only 2 other members of our group not going to the meal/evening do/whatever it is, and my family have various plans, leaving DH and me with nothing to do, bar a standard meal out by ourselves.

I don't particularly want to miss the wedding, and would definitely go if I still lived locally, but I also don't want to use 3 holiday days to spend most of our first anniversary in the car to go to a 1hr ceremony.

WIBU to take our acceptance back?

They invited you to the ceremony and not for the food and party later? Yeah, you wouldn't be unreasonable to change your mind there at all given the costs and time.

If it's a church wedding ceremony, are the costs per person attending anything like those of alternative venues like hotels etc.?

The message was quite upfront - I probably would have sent expat's earlier message. BUT - since you found out from a friend by asking (quite honestly and reasonably) around arrangements they would suspect anyway that you were probably not coming because you hadn't been invited to the whole thing. I can see how that sort of discussion would have come out in the wash and in that case it's better not to get trapped in a lie of some sort.

If they're offended - so be it. They probably didn't mean to be jerks but the invitation was cheeky.

How crap to watch virtually everyone else go off to the meal etc. I personally would find it awkward (and be pissed off) having answer the inevitable question / statement of are you coming later or see you later!

Maybe you're too wild to be trusted to behave in the evening, a bit like me

Violet - I can't say too much more without definitely outing myself if I haven't already, if anyone I know ever read this, but I would be amazed if there was anything more than a contribution to the church.
I didn't think other venues charged per head for the ceremony, anyway. We just got charged for the use of the room, and the only asked numbers to know how many chairs to put out.

OVienna - I really didn't want to lie about it. It was a difficult thing to not sound upfront about. I think it's always going to sound like I'm spitting my dummy out, but my best friend said it was understandable when I said to her that we might not go, so I'm hoping she can stick up for me at least, if there was anything said behind my back.

Ha ha, Handsome. You sound like fun. I would definitely invite you to the whole day. Saves paying for entertainment

I don't think yabu if you give plenty of notice but I don't quite get the problem with not seeing friends in the evening if it's your anniversary anyway???

If your worried about saying as it is 'sounding petty' doesn't that tell you something??!!

Well it's done now in any case.

Personally I think you were right to be honest about it.

If they decide to be offended, that's their lookout!

I think it is bad form to invite anyone from any distance away and not invite them to the whole thing. I once attended an evening only wedding where I travelled 200 miles and my friend the bride was a bit funny with me for being an hour late (There was no meal or formal 'agenda') and it kind of killed our friendship as I thought, well I've just travelled 200 miles on public transport, and you couldn't even invite me to the daytime event!

haligh - I would happily spend our anniversary celebrating with my friends, if they were available, but just the two of us travelling all that way to the place I grew up isn't exactly anything special, and it's a long way to go to have to drive somewhere else for one night. If we go away somewhere else, we can choose somewhere closer and get a bit more time out of the car. DH doesn't want to do pit stops on the way either, so that plan is out.

Ghodavies - Not in my opinion. I can't help the fact that it might look like it's about not being invited rather than everyone being busy, but she should know me well enough to know that I'm not that petty. If I had known from the start that nobody would be around, I wouldn't have said yes and would have just explained it exactly the same way as I have. It's just unfortunate that I could only text my friend about it at the time, or I could've saved the awkwardness.

Anyway, like Waltermitty said: it's done now. Can't do anything about it.

OrangeCookie - I would travel for just an evening thing, the same as I would for a birthday or whatever that was just a party in the evening. At least that's an actual celebration, and a good few hours socialising with the people you know. Sitting quietly in a church for half an hour then saying bye to everyone is a just a bit pants, ha ha

Definately don't go, lile u said if you were local it would be OK to only attend part of the wedding but you can't go through all that just to see part of it.
They obviously aren't the friends you thought they were if they'd expect you to do that!

I liked your reply. I wouldn't get them a gift but I'd get them a card.

Invited to the ceremony but not the evening do? Fuck that!

I wonder if they didn't just get their admin wrong and mistakenly not invite you to the whole thing.

I know it's one of those things where some people will shoot you down in flames, but personally I think part of being a good host is thinking about your guests. Of course the wedding is about you, but you still need to arrange your special day with respect for your guests.

We went to a wedding once where we went to the church just before lunch got back to the hotel and the photos went on for what felt like hours! We kept chatting amongst ourselves did anyone know when the wedding breakfast was? No-one did! We were all happy to buy our own lunch if the meal wasn't till the evening but didn't want to offend the couple......so we sat and starved! :o( The meal wasn't until the evening! :o(
Two of the brides friends went out and got a MacDonalds and the bride had words with them after the wedding!

I think it is completely unreasonable for your friend to expect you to go down for the ceremony and not come to any other part of the wedding.

I would say that you are really sorry but circumstances have changed and you can't now make the wedding and you are really sorry and invite them to meet up once they get back from their honeymoon so they can share their photos etc about their special day.

Good Luck!

Ha! Ha! They were meant to be SAD faces!

OP YANBU. I once recieved an evening invitation, (after ceremony and reception DJ and dancing bit) from a school friend to a wedding in another country that would have entailed time off, flights, hotels, leaving our 1 year old for 3 days. The same friend and partner attended our wedding, all day, a few years previous and had sat in my living room half of Christmas Eve telling me how awesome the wedding was going to be.

You could just say you or your OH can't get the time off work and leave it at that.

in another country!!! What?! I mean, this is in another country, but still part of the U.K., so not the same at all. That is crazy.

Lelly - I've already emailed them, but really didn't want to lie about it. I don't like lying anyway, but if DH and I do go away, it will be far too easy to get caught out

I've turned down an invite for similar reasons - I got an evening only invite for a Friday wedding from someone I was at college with, in Bromley, north of Manchester. I would have had to take the afternoon off work, stayed at an expensive hotel for the night (or left after 2 hours) and probably paid about £100 return ticket for the train - £200 and around 7 hours combined travel time for 4 hours pleasure ? We were mates at college, but not THAT close.

IF I'd've been visiting Manchester already and/or if the do had been in London (or within hailing distance) I certainly would have gone.

Still in Europe but a bit of a distance. Her family are native of there and they live there so not really destination on their side. Was not a small wedding either, when I saw pics loads of random friends from school were there. Maybe I am a being a bit selfish here, but I would have been embarrassed to turn up in the evening with the work colleagues and acquintances from the rugby club and meet those old school friends who had been there all day.

Conversely, I got an evening only invite for a wedding in Stamford which would have been a huge faff to get to and back the same night, and myself and DP decided to make a weekend of it (and got hideously drunk at an afterparty at Quayhole Kate's till the early hours of the morning).

I think you've done the right thing in being honest Op & if I were you, I'd send a card & nothing else. I never send a present to weddings I don't actually attend, whether it's an invitation for all day or evening only.

Such a minefield!

Yanbu. I will be slightly biased since I hate weddings at the best of times . But I seriously wouldn't go out of my way to that extent (and that bloody expense) for a half arsed invite. I always find evening only invitations rude anyway and decline on the premise of obviously not being that important to them so fuck off.

I am pretty rude .