WIBU to retract my RSVP?

[Hagrid3112]

One of my friends since high school is getting married in our hometown in a couple of months. We got the invitation through for the ceremony, then reception drinks and canapés. I figured this was all they were doing as I've never known people to only be invited to the ceremony, and excitedly accepted.

I live a 6hr drive away, so have to take 3 holiday days to attend, pay for boarding for all our pets, as well as 2 nights accommodation (we can't stay with family), then there's food, outfits, wedding gift etc, but more than happy to do that for a friend - admittedly not as close as we used to be since I moved away, but I always make arrangements to see everyone when I do get to go home, and we had everyone and partners all day to our wedding.

I've since found out that there is more to the wedding, but we aren't invited. Not a problem; we got married last year so understand about budgets etc.

The problem is, that there are only 2 other members of our group not going to the meal/evening do/whatever it is, and my family have various plans, leaving DH and me with nothing to do, bar a standard meal out by ourselves.

I don't particularly want to miss the wedding, and would definitely go if I still lived locally, but I also don't want to use 3 holiday days to spend most of our first anniversary in the car to go to a 1hr ceremony.

WIBU to take our acceptance back?

I'd pull out, it's too much of a pallaver and you will hardly see your friends if they're going to the reception.
TBH I can't think she'll be surprised, few people would make the effort for just the ceremony & a drink.
Use expat's wording then you don't need to explain.

I'm a bit torn... It does seem like you were happy before you knew other people were going to more of the event. I appreciate you might have been thinking that you could book something with someone else in the evening but that wasn't set in stone when you accepted, so there was a chance you wouldn't be meeting anyone?

You might cut your nose off to spite your face if you don't go to any of it. Presumably if you live 6 hours away, you aren't back often - you've alluded to that in the OP. That's probably why you haven't got a whole event invite. I think I'd try to plan something nice for the evening that's close to where the wedding is, then go to the wedding and on to your anniversary celebration, whatever that is. That way, you'll still people and socialise, and hopefully strengthen those friendships again, and you can still celebrate your anniversary and enjoy your time off.

Send OurBlanches reply but substitute "can't afford" for "can't get time off work"

Agree it's too far to travel for ceremony+nibbles.
Annual leave is too precious to waste on this.

I'm going to go against the grain and say YABU.

You said "We got the invitation through for the ceremony, then reception drinks and canapés. I [...], and excitedly accepted."

You were excited to go. Nothing about your invitation has changed. I'm sure you and your DH can find some nice things to do, and spend some quality time together, in the spare time you have.

I think it's not about whether op has been invited to the whole day but most of their friends will continue at the wedding, leaving them with nothing to do and having a twelve hour round trip. YANBU OP, they will completely understand. Or they're not good friends so no loss anyway

Would your OH be willing to collude in a white lie? Say he's booked a surprise weekend away for your anniversary?

There's no need to lie! Just 'due to unforeseen circumstances we are now unable to come'. Ridiculous to travel so far for just a drink.

I wouldn't worry about it. With a couple of months to spare, and so little hospitality offered, you won't be putting them out by pulling out now. Just write

"Dear x,

Thank you so much to your kind invitation to [insert precise names of bits you have been invited to]. I do apologise, but now that we've looked at the logistics, I realise that we just can't find a way to make it work after all. So, with great sadness, I am writing to let you know that unfortunately we won't be there on the day.

We're so sorry not to be there to wish you well on your special day. We do wish you all the very best for a wonderful wedding day and the rest of your married life."

THE END

JOB DONE

IGNORE THE WEDDING LIST

Perhaps OP originally thought that her and all her mates could go on and do something else. She has then found out they will all be busy at the rest of the wedding leaving her with nothing else to do.

agree assuming if the OP thought the wedding was just a ceremony then drinks reception, then it would be combined with a trip 'home' and seeing old friends and family, but finding out that the other people in the area will be at the evening 'do', means that actually it might be better to go to that town another time when they can make the most of the expense and having to use holiday leave and get to see old friends.

HowBadIsThis's message is pretty perfect. No need to go into it further, if you were a priority for them to have there, then you would have a full invite.

YANBU. I agree with Lemon and really don't like the division of guests into different priorities. It does come across as making people "second class citizens". If someone is travelling a long way for your wedding the least you can do is give them some proper food.

My mum did something similar at our wedding, invited a load of randoms( OK her friends and work colleagues) that attended the ceremony, stuck around for the drinks reception, disappeared for the wedding breakfast and reappeared for the evening party. She said she wanted to make the church look 'full' and apparently none of them minded and it was better than just inviting them to the evening do. The only contextual thing to add is that if the wedding is in a church, no one actually needs an invite, anyone can rock up to watch the ceremony...

OP - it doesn't sound like you mean that much to the couple. What you need to decide is if they mean enough to you to go through the bother of attending. I personally wouldn't, given the hassle you describe, if it was more local and I had nothing else on then yeah. Send a short and sweet note apologising and saying you can't come. They've not spent money on you so no need for a long explanation (if at all).

Ha! A weekday would be a bit ridiculous! It's on a Saturday, though. I just work all sorts of days and shifts.

I haven't checked - bar re-reading the invitation - what we are invited to, but it's pretty clear as there are no details of where the after bit is. How would you ask something like that anyway?! Ha!

I really don't want to lie about money or time off, as we will almost definitely be going away anyway, and it will be pretty obvious if we post anything to FB.

OurBlanche - I got the reference, don't worry

Anchor - If my best friend wasn't going to the evening, we would be doing something with at least her and her DP. We always have a great time as a foursome and the two boys get on really well by themselves, too. (I realise this makes them sound like children, ha ha). Before I replied, I asked if she was working that weekend, and they are both off for 5 days and not busy besides wedding, so I knew we would be able to make plans, until she mentioned the evening bit.

IAGTBF - Would you travel for that long for less than an hour to then have to go somewhere else (that isn't somewhere I've spent a lot of my youth) to probably just eat, sleep and leave? (Genuinely asking, not being snarky or anything)

derenstar - I've been thinking about that, but trying not to read too much into it. She came to my hen do and they both came to our wedding, gave us a nice card and gift, but obviously people do grow apart and friendships aren't always equal, so I totally understand.
I was very surprised about one of the girls not being invited, as they have always been really close and grew up a few doors away from each other, so have been friends forever

IAGTBF - Would you travel for that long for less than an hour to then have to go somewhere else (that isn't somewhere I've spent a lot of my youth) to probably just eat, sleep and leave? (Genuinely asking, not being snarky or anything)

If it was a good friend whos wedding I was excited to go to, yes. If it was my anniversary Id also look for nice places to break the journey there and back, nice restaurant, scenic countryside walk etc. Could try and find somewhere a bit special to stay, and something nice to do in the area, whilst making a wee bit of time to pop into the wedding. Make it about a romantic weekend away with DH, rather than all about the wedding IYSWIM.

Yeh, I totally get what you mean. This is why it's good to get so many opinions. Not sure DH will go for it, but I'll definitely have a look and see what we could do before I pitch it to him.

YANBU, I can totally understand why you don't want to go all that way just for a ceremony and a drink when nobody else will be free to do anything else afterwards. You probably assumed the 'drink' would then turn into a load of old friends heading off to the pub or whatever right? Or at least meeting up again for dinner?

I actually wouldn't have a problem with being somewhat truthful in the invite. I'd say something like 'Really sorry to go back on my RSVP but it's an awfully long way to come now I know that most people aren't free to do something in the evening. It's our wedding anniversary so we were originally going to go away and think we're going to go back to that plan. Wish you all the best for a fantastic day and hope we haven't upset you. Would love to catch up with you and everybody when we're next down and there'll be more time available.'
Then I'd send a nice card and present and hope for the best.

I've had quite a few ceremony and evening but not meal invites. Mainly from Christian couples where the ceremony is the most important bit and they can have plenty at the evening do but can't afford as many at the meal. Those are fine with me because finding something to do for a few hours in the middle of the day is no problem. But ceremony only/evening only I don't go to unless they're local.

I wouldn't travel that distance for a ceremony and church drink only I don't think. I don't agree with the common view on MN that 2 tier invites (e.g. all day and evening only) are inherently a bad thing provided they are done carefully - so it's pretty common IME to give evening only invites to a specific group like work mates and this seems to work fine and not offend people. I've been to another where due to illness (bride's mother) the actual wedding was late morning and very small, then they had a family meal before having a big party later on. BUT I think it's really rude to give an evening only or ceremony+drink only invite to people who you know will be travelling a long way.

manicinsomniac - I actually wouldn't have a problem with being somewhat truthful in the invite. I'd say something like 'Really sorry to go back on my RSVP but it's an awfully long way to come now I know that most people aren't free to do something in the evening. It's our wedding anniversary so we were originally going to go away and think we're going to go back to that plan. Wish you all the best for a fantastic day and hope we haven't upset you. Would love to catch up with you and everybody when we're next down and there'll be more time available.'
Then I'd send a nice card and present and hope for the best.

This is almost word for word what I was thinking of sending, before I started worrying it made me look like a cow and like I'm spitting my dummy out for not being invited to more. I hate over-thinking

I don't know why people think evening only invites are so bad either. Who doesn't want to be invited to a party?

Agree, a bit with the long travelling bit, though. The only reason we even had a meal at ours was because we had so many people travelling so far. I would've loved a later ceremony and a party

We invited guests with long journeys to the whole day. I think it's rude otherwise!

I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation as you've already accepted. If you decide to decline I'd do it quickly.

YANBU. Obviously their wedding & their choice. As is your attendance choice

I hate these A list B list weddings. I wouldn't go to anything but the full day unless I was local. She has been inconsiderate inviting you to only part of the day knowing you live so far away.

The trouble with "evening only" invitations is that you go to the ceremony, then have to while away several hours in between. Unless you live on the doorstep it's too far to go home.