To leave 6 month old ebf bottle refuser for the night?

[1northernfairy]

Just for one night, to preserve my sanity.

She cries all the while and I have not had more that 3 consecutive hours sleep since she was born. And that is very rare, generally she sleeps only chunks of 30-50 mins night and day. And is Velcro'd to me for the whole night.

When she doesn't get what she wants immediately, normally boob, she goes bananas. I feel as if something has to give. I cannot carry on.

Grandparents would happily have her for the night but would have to put up with the screaming. She could probably be spoon fed milk. I don't want a few hours, I'm desperate for a night although I may lay awake worrying and feeling guilty.
AIBU?

I'm just catching up and also working my through some of the suggestions and links to get my head around those options/strategies. Thanks for the replies, apologies I can't respond individually.

I'm grateful for how understanding people have been and appreciate the number of replies and suggestions. Re the night suggestion, the grandparent know her well and understand what they would be willingly letting themselves in for.
It would be, like someone else said, a tag team situation without much sleep at there end. They would not just lie her in a cot and expect her to sleep.

I feel like I've tried everything other then just escaping for a bit! Dummies, bottle, co-sleeper crib, ebm and formula offered by everyone except the postman, even forked out for one of these osteopath miracle workers who said, after several sessions, that she couldn't help DD

So, I am thinking to try a day time, maybe 6 hours or so. At home with me she whines all day and can only be distracted for about 6 minutes with anything before winging starts, quickly accelerating to screaming. I am aware of the sleep deficit for her too so I'm out walking her in the pram 3-4 times a day to try and catch up on day time sleep, stop pushing the pram and she wakes up. So I think this is adding to me feeling exhausted not to mention being sick of the starting the whole pram ritual what feels like every two fucking minutes. Not going out in the pram to 'get' her to sleep and avoiding CIO she is capable of staying awake for 6 hours (then I gave in, not DD).

I will chase up another med review for the reflux but it's more like she has learned this response from when she was in discomfort and crying is her default setting. I'll suggest a few late afternoon/early evening hours to the grandparents the worst part of my day and that way they can try some solid food too at supper time. Seems like a good starting point.

Hats off to all you ladies that have been here and survived to encourage crumbling mums like me

How recently have you tried her in her own cot? I had the whole 'napping in the pram only' routine going on at about five months as well, it's murder, but I realised I hadn't tried him in the cot again for a while so gave it a go. I set aside a week to 'persevere' with cot napping, but we actually had it cracked by day two! There were hardly any tears and I think he was just ready. Maybe it's worth trying the cot again if it's been a few weeks, things can change quickly with babies as you know.

Those suggesting that you're (or their for that matter) child will be "permanently" damaged by a night with the GPs are being a bit melodramatic if you ask me. Yes the GPs will have a bad night and so may she, but I very much doubt their would be long-term ramifications. I just think you need a longer term solution here because what's happening now isn't working for you at all.

Sorry my 'yours' and 'there's' were all over the place in that post, stupid me phone!

Have been there too OP due to silent reflux being treated ineffectively. Dosages of some of the reflux meds are weight dependent so may need adjusting very regularly (apologies if you know this already). I found ranitidine partially effective with both my DC but Omeprazole/Lanzoprazole was the game-changer for them both. DC1 was left to drift on ranitidine for ages and I was really struggling, especially with weaning. We later found out it was so bad it had caused ulcers and oesophigitis, despite the ranitidine. Get the meds sorted - it's not a magic cure for the night-feeding Velcro baby but should help generally.

Can't your DP do more to help, why are you considering leaving your baby with her grandparents rather than her own father?

But to specifically answer your question, yes, I do think you should leave her for a couple of nights - and I would have persevered with the bottle (or sippy cup now she is older) far longer - I mixed fed - best of both worlds but not often talked about.

You won't crumble Op - night away or not you are doing amazingly and we are all proof that if even though it is the lowest depths of hell, you will survive the sleep deprivation! Have you looked on the sleep board here? People have good advice on there.

No I wouldn't I think your baby will be very distressed and it's not fair to her, you just need to solider on

My son is now 20 months and I've still never had more than 3/4 hours sleep in one go , but you cope. You have no choice.

Someone linked you to milkmeg. Be warned. And I am a breastfeeding mum.

You have no choice

Um, you do. You can leave the baby with another trusted caregiver. You can try some gentle sleep training methods (and at 20 months I would be doing that with bells on).

And just how long should she 'soldier on' in your opinion? The OP has her own needs and presumably other people who depend upon her in some ways. I don't think fatalistically accepting she should be a worn out shell of herself is a great solution to be honest.

Thanks for the answer Abso, makes sense in the context of a very high needs baby.

Laurie

Each to there own I'm sorry I wouldn't leave a 6 month old baby to cry. That's fine if you would but I wouldn't

Op asked if she was being unreasonable to leave her baby to scream all night with GP and in my eyes yes it's unreasonable

Different story of baby was happy to settle with others but in this instance it's isn't the case, I would only leave this baby once it was happy to be away from its mum

Different strokes for different folks.

I'm specifically objecting to your use of the words you have no choice not the position you're taking in the debate. If you're happy to have not slept more than 4 hours in 20 months, that's no concern of mine.

But the OP certainly does have a choice. Why tell her otherwise?

Not read whole thread so sorry if this has been suggested/you've tried it.

DS wouldn't take a bottle, so I started going out for a walk while DH or my mum offered him a bottle before DS got hungry - made it a bit of a game. Might help.

Otherwise has your DD spent a lot of time with your parents? Is she happy with them? If so I think it might be worth trying - babies can behave differently with different people and away from the smell of you she may sleep better. DS stayed with my parents overnight once a week from about 8 and a half months - we were co-sleeping (still are) and I needed that sleep. He pretty much did sleep through for them, when he was still feeding (mainly for comfort) a lot if he was in with me.

No more than 3/4 hrs sleep at 20 months?

Please don't come and tell others they have no choice but to end up as above.

I feel for you OK I really do.... I'm not sure I have a concrete answer but here's my perspective

I don't believe for a second that a single night away will permanently damage your relationship. ...and even if I'm wrong it will sure as he'll be less of a problem than an exhausted at the end of her tether mother

There's no shame in being at that point ....I refuse to believe any mother who has not at some point had to walk away in some shape or format because they are about to lose it ....I used to hand to dh without a word and walkout of the room...I also particularly get the dh working long hours my do gets up at 3.30 am and returns at 7.30 pm.....it's hard because you know they need sleep as well

Now for my thought.... with ds1 I refused to leave him until he was three.... and I was totally wrong.... because two weeks later I ended up having ds2 in an emergency situation and I disappeared from ds1 for two weeks
In my defence I was in icu for some of that and with ds2 in neonatal
It wasn't good poor ds 1 would have been much less affected by at least occasionally being away from me overnight so sometimes think of it as a healthy break

Good luck

Well yes there is a choice in everything you do obviously. If it's the right choice or not is for each person to decide. Personally I think sucking it up in this case is the right choice , you don't. Who is right..?? That's a matter of opinion. OP do what you feel is right for you & your baby. You will only get a spilt of views on forums. Best to make your own mind up. Opinions are like a*holes we all have one.

Your kid you decide.

Look, can people please stop referring to something that has NOT been said on this thread: that a night away from OP will permanently damage the baby/their relationship. I never said that. It was actually future who introduced the word "damaged" in her response to my post.

What I actually said was,

There are gentler methods you can try first. I think cry-it-out (which it would be if you weren't there) will affect your babies bond to you, even if only in subtle ways.

and

It categorically would have affected my DD at that age. It would have broken her trust in me.

I stand by the fact that in MY opinion, which is based on the research I have read in my degrees about child development/attachment/cognitive developmental neuroscience etc that a 6 month old baby who is potentially still in pain from reflux and who is used to feeding/comfort sucking all night would be affected/distressed by suddenly having a full night away from mum with no boob/comfort/cuddles from mum.

Obviously other baby's who were used to sleeping alone, away from mum, being bottle fed, or those with a naturally chilled out temperament would react differently.

But OP has already said her baby is clingy/high needs etc.

OP I'm glad you've got a plan to go forward with. I hope it all works out for you. You are doing great

My DD2 didn't go in her cot until 7 months, she went mad at the suggestion, and she still (19 mos) doesn't nap in her got - I gave up for a long stretch but about 7 months in, I did pick-up put-down at night and within 3 days she was sleeping well in her cot in the evening for 3-4 hours and it was wonderful. I agree with the comments saying you have a choice. I couldn't carry on exhausted, co-sleeping wasn't getting me enough sleep.

Of course you have a choice, you have several. To be told otherwise is very unhelpful.

Where is your partner in all this?

OP of course you have a choice. You can keep doing what you're doing and expect the same results. Or make gentle changes and see what happens. Or you can of course go straight for CIO. Obviously you know I wouldn't do that

I think what you are proposing is a good idea. But I would definitely consider the Dr Kay Gordon method. I know he advocates babies being 1year plus, but it's got to be a better option than CIO surely?

I would also read this book!! It's all about reflux

www.amazon.co.uk/Colic-Solved-Essential-Infant-Difficult/dp/0345490681

*jay Gordon

It isn't CIO. The baby has GPs there to soothe her!

In a similar position and I agree with abso . My 6 mo son sleeps attached to my nipple and wakes up to feed every few hours during the night. But it's not just food he needs, it's me. The thought of leaving him for a whole night and him wanting me and me not being there makes me feel sick. It'll be great when he's ready but he's not ready yet. He needs his mum to feel secure, because he's six months old.

sleeps attached to my nipple

How are you able to function? Presumably you just don't sleep? Isn't that dangerous if you're very tired? I'd be so worried about suffocating them.

It seems so unnecessary.

At 6 months I'd expect to be sttn or 2 feeds absolutely maximum. Fair enough a bad night here or there for teething or illness but no sleep just isn't workable.

I assume they cosleep.