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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave 6 month old ebf bottle refuser for the night?

165 replies

1northernfairy · 16/05/2016 17:08

Just for one night, to preserve my sanity.

She cries all the while and I have not had more that 3 consecutive hours sleep since she was born. And that is very rare, generally she sleeps only chunks of 30-50 mins night and day. And is Velcro'd to me for the whole night.

When she doesn't get what she wants immediately, normally boob, she goes bananas. I feel as if something has to give. I cannot carry on.

Grandparents would happily have her for the night but would have to put up with the screaming. She could probably be spoon fed milk. I don't want a few hours, I'm desperate for a night although I may lay awake worrying and feeling guilty.
AIBU?

OP posts:

FutureGadgetsLab · 17/05/2016 09:11

Oh don't be so patronising, my baby needs night feeds, actually.

No it doesn't. It would not suffer nutritionally from not having them!

Mishaps · 17/05/2016 09:15

Here's an idea - you are knackered; GP are prepared to bite the bullet with a night awake to help you. Why don't you have the GP there all day so babe gets used to them a bit, then go to bed with the arrangement that GPs will be the ones to get up when she cries? If this causes mega distress then you will still be there for her. I know that this is not ideal, but it might be a way to start this process of you getting a bit of rest while the GP help you out.

Babettescat · 17/05/2016 09:24

OP as you are you'll get three kinds of responses -

One kind will say it's just fine to night wean cold turkey as the baby doesn't need it nutritionally - comfort feeding not a factor.

Another kind will suggest middle grounds (staying with Gp, gentle methods etc)

A third kind will insist you cosleep, babywear, feed hourly or as often as needed for as long as baby wants all through day and night

Thankfully Mumsnet has very many in Group 2 so the notsoft pressures exerted by group 3 can be ignored if that's what you want to do.

kiki22 · 17/05/2016 09:36

The baby wont starve though shes not going to starve one night op is not suggesting sending her with no food source there will be food on offer if she is hungry enough she will take it. Its not cruel its not something she is thinking about doing (or people like ne have done) because they don't give a shit if their child is upset or hungry it's something done to save the sanity, would you all rather she ends up depressed or disconnected from her baby than the baby having 1 possibly upsetting night?? Its her parents who raised her who are not walking zombies who she obviously trusts, they obviously know she needs the rest and love both her and their grandchild enough to take a baby who might cry all night this child is in safe and loving hands with them.

I'm so pissed off at the lack of understanding on here about how close some mums come to breaking down or the fact that some do. She would not be on here agonising if she wasn't bothered.

OP do what's right for you, for me that ment ds away at gp sometimes I needed to sleep in the night without hearing him cry occasionally for my sanity it saved me really honest to god saved me. Ds was fine others have said mine would have been distressed ok fair enough but its not would have been its may have probably would have been, my experience isn't me taking a guess at it knowing my child its the fact that he was fine, if you send yours and she comes back happy you might find you want to do it again you might think that was awful and never do it but you won't know until you try it.

FutureGadgetsLab · 17/05/2016 09:49

I'm so pissed off at the lack of understanding on here about how close some mums come to breaking down or the fact that some do. She would not be on here agonising if she wasn't bothered.

Me too. The crunchy mummy martyrs need to take their heads out their asses and realise that they aren't superior for never taking a break and everything their kids do well isn't because they babywore until 10 and never took a night off.

LaurieMarlow · 17/05/2016 09:51

What everyone needs to remember is that there will be a source of food for the baby and she will be taken care of by people who love and care for her and she knows well.

Of course it's okay OP.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 17/05/2016 09:56

Op you may want to try her again in the cot and in her own room. I found that once I did this with dd she slept so much better, I think being next to me just kept waking her up constantly. I think she is probably like me and likes her own quiet space at night and slept much better for it.

BonerSibary · 17/05/2016 10:00

You need not only to consider the baby's welfare but also your own. Sleep deprivation is not good for you. It's a method of torture for a reason.

Babettescat · 17/05/2016 11:02

All we need now is Minifingerz arriving here.

JuxtapositionRecords · 17/05/2016 11:30

Babettescat I agree with you completely.

Op your baby won't starve if you want to take the night off and get some rest. And those that want to judge me for saying that I'm not bothered - a 6 month old doesn't need three full feeds and then loads of other mini feeds in the night. To say this is what bf babies need to do is incorrect and actually very, very off putting to people trying to breastfeed or thinking about if they should carry on or not. Baby is feeding because they have got used to it at night, after six months of constant feeding the body will just expect a meal at those times. And of course comfort - your favourite meal with your favourite person is hard to say no to . For the snidey little comment up thread about formula making us think babies shouldn't wake up at night - I have done both with all of my babies and they slept as well or as badly as they felt like, bf or formula.

Op I am in no way judging. But there are some great gentle sleep guides around that can help you if you want to try something. A person can survive for far, far longer without food then they can with without sleep - it's so important for both of you to get well rested

heyhulahoop · 17/05/2016 11:42

Oh fuck off

LaurieMarlow · 17/05/2016 12:01

My EBF baby slept 8 hours through the night from 10 weeks, so it's very far from the case that all BF babies need food through the night at 6 months.

Just throwing that in for information, btw, not to brag. He had his fair share of sleeping problems later on.

Buckinbronco · 17/05/2016 12:04

Completely agree my BF dropped night feeds at 4 months. It's not to be expected to BF through the night at that age at all- no more so than you'd expect a FF baby to still be having night feeds.

waitingforsomething · 17/05/2016 12:11

Poor you op it's awful it really is. It might be that your baby still needs a night feed but not hourly and it's tough on you.
I actually think what you are proposing is fine. The baby can be offered milk from a sippy cup and will be with grandparents who love her. I wouldn't do it though before your dd is weaned onto solids 3x a day and able to take fluid from a sippy so maybe another month or so. At least you will be confident she is well fed in the day, they can offer her a fourth meal before bed and they will be okay. Hang on in there until you can be sure she isn't hingry

Pollyputhtekettleon · 17/05/2016 12:20

Look OP, ignore all the emotional posting here about what is so right and what is so wrong. You don't need Mumsnet to tell you it's ok or not. Sites and anonymous posting lead to very extremist views. In the real world things are not so bloody serious. You need a break so make that happen whatever way you are comfortable with.

FutureGadgetsLab · 17/05/2016 13:04

Hula hit a nerve dear?

Absofrigginlootly · 17/05/2016 13:16

I hope my suggestions don't read as 'emotional posting' ?!

I'm certainly not trying to guilt the OP, I've been there, I know how hard it is.

But I think leaving a poorly controlled refluxy baby who is potentially still in pain and used to feeding all night and going cold turkey is going to be distressing for them. Babies have emotional as well as physical needs.

Mums do too. I get that. I'm not a mummy martyr. That's why I've suggested lots of practical things, a clear technique (dr Jay Gordon) to follow and I second the suggestion to get your parents to look after DD for a few days while you catch up on sleep.

Absofrigginlootly · 17/05/2016 13:17

While you're still there in the house with them I mean - and available if she gets too distressed

heyhulahoop · 17/05/2016 13:20

I think it's this thread that's hit a nerve with you! All this defensive ranting about martyrs and babywearing, wtf?! What's that got to do with anything? Mostly people have just suggested a more gentle approach and have had complete sympathy with the OP.

FutureGadgetsLab · 17/05/2016 13:22

Hula the OP is clearly desperate and several posters telling her a night off would be cruel and permanently affect her child is unfair, nasty and uncalled for.

I don't like people insinuating women must be velcro'd to their child in order to be good mothers.

Absofrigginlootly · 17/05/2016 13:42

I said it would have permanently affected MY child! Not the OPs!!!!!!

I made that clear. I said the OP knows her own baby better than anyone and has to make the decision for herself. NO ONE else on this thread can make a comment about how the OPs DD will respond because they don't know her!

LaurieMarlow · 17/05/2016 14:31

What makes you think it would have permanently affected your child Abso? Genuinely interested.

Bubble00 · 17/05/2016 15:32

This blog really helped me. With bf support and understanding:
themilkmeg.com

mnaab · 17/05/2016 15:51

If you need the break then do it. In the run up can you try leaving her with someone for a few hours at a time. One of my DC never had a bottle. I had pnd and needed a break sometimes. DH would try feeding her with a syringe or a doidy cup. In the end she would drink from a tommee tippee cup. Give them milk and a few things to try feeding her with. You might find that when she realises you're not around she will eventually feed for them.

It is far better to have a break for one night than to have a breakdown (if that's where you think this is heading)

Absofrigginlootly · 17/05/2016 16:12

Without going into lots of detail Laurie we had a very traumatic start and her natural temperament is very shy/clingy/insecure/high needs. She is deeply affected by everyday things that doesn't faze other children in the slightest etc etc

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