To leave 6 month old ebf bottle refuser for the night?

[1northernfairy]

Just for one night, to preserve my sanity.

She cries all the while and I have not had more that 3 consecutive hours sleep since she was born. And that is very rare, generally she sleeps only chunks of 30-50 mins night and day. And is Velcro'd to me for the whole night.

When she doesn't get what she wants immediately, normally boob, she goes bananas. I feel as if something has to give. I cannot carry on.

Grandparents would happily have her for the night but would have to put up with the screaming. She could probably be spoon fed milk. I don't want a few hours, I'm desperate for a night although I may lay awake worrying and feeling guilty.
AIBU?

I wouldn't. Ds was ebf and bottle refusing. He will drink from a sippy cup but only water, though now he is on solids I haven't really persevered with milk.

Have you tried Co sleeping? It has literally saved my sanity. Ds barely wakes, just snuffles for a boob, latches and that's that. We both get better sleep. I couldn't bear the thought of him screaming all night without me, and am pretty sure I wouldn't sleep any better than with him here.

Thanks all for the replies. Very divided but better than I was expecting actually the social worker hasn't turned up yet anyway.

Without boring you all too much with my domestic set up, we live in a small flat so I am still very aware of DD if she was to just be looked after in the next room, we have tried this plus she always finds her way back to me when her crying persists. She has silent reflux which is being managed and she is so much better but it's like crying is now her default setting

DP works stupidly long hours and days so has very little time to help. I feel that he needs his sleep as much as me. Also, he cannot stand the crying so any form of sleep training (and she cries at even the gentlest stuff), I would have to do without him there to back me up. I hate the crying so I'm probably guilty of offering boob as a comfort too much.

Grandparents are an hours drive away hence why leaving her for the night feels like the most worthwhile option. I know that she would be safe and loved, but yes she would get cross.

Solid food-wise she is just at the 'playing' stage, doesn't take much. I agree with whoever pointed out that a cup and spoon wouldn't work in the middle of the night. We have tried loads of bottles from several different people with me out of the flat.

What I completely forgot to consider was the giant solid painful leaky tits as a result of my night off. That puts me off. I would wake up in a puddle wishing the baby was there to feed.

I just feel completely suffocated and not sure if it's the lack of sleep or constant breastfeeding or the 'high needs' baby. I thought a night off would give me a recharge. In an ideal world as the sort of mother that I hoped to be, I would consider the upset caused to Dd to be too great compared to the benefit to me. The reality is I am an exhausted/resentful/unenthusiastic mother and that is not fair on Dd, I want to offer her more. I adore DD but do not feel I am doing her justice in this state.

Is she genuinely hungry, or just demanding boob out of habit? DC1 did that, waking up every 45 min and only wanted to BF, but didn't actually feed. (also a bottle refuser, a couple of months older though so eating plenty of solids). I had to go away for a couple of nights and DH managed to comfort him without boobs just fine. When I got back, DC was sleeping through the night. Does not seem to be too traumatised.

If you can afford it, get a sleep nanny in. I did this when dd1 was 4 months old - it CHANGED MY LIFE. She went from waking every 45 mins to sleeping a 6 or 7 hour stretch each night. There was some sleep training, but she also got up with the baby and brought her to me for feeds. DD has been a good sleeper ever since, no exaggeration. It was like night to dat in one weekend. Before she came, I was on the brink. I understand your desperation.

This way, you're still there with her but guaranteed to get some more sleep, both in the immediate and long term. Win.

Dd2 is now a month old and before she arrived I made sure we had emergency money set aside to do the same thing if we need to. No way can I survive in 45 min cat naps without damage to my mental health.

I've had three very, very poor sleepers who were all feeding very frequently through the night at that age. I feel for you, I really do, but there's no way I would have left mine for the whole night at that age.

I've not had a single night's sleep for six years now but I cope by co-sleeping and I actually get quite a decent night most nights. I lie down and keep the baby at my side and just let him feed off and on as much as he wants. I'd say I get woken about three times, for about five minutes, if he needs help with latching on.

And to the posters saying they 'can't possibly need to feed that frequently' at that age, how on earth would you know? Mine have definitely woken for hunger at that age. Some of the night feeds were for comfort but the majority were for hunger, no doubt.

Could you not take a breast pump and pump in the night? I think a quick 15 minutes while lying down in bed, knowing you can go back to sleep without being woken, would still be more restful.

I have a high needs baby. I decided my sleep was a need not a luxury when I almost dropped him out of exhaustion.

Take care of yourself - we can't look after our babies properly without looking after ourselves.

I went through this. It was hell. But I persevered until she was 13 months and cd take cows milk. I was then pregnant and norks hurt like crazy so I stopped and eventually (after prob about 2 months) she started to take cows milk. So she didn't get any milk for 2 months. But she had yoghurt and cheese etc and she seems ok now about to turn 11. I couldn't have left her but my goodness did I hate hate hate being tied like that. I did it one more time and then just couldn't face any more dcs as a direct result of this experience! Is just horrible.....

Couldn't you have the night off (which you obviously need more than your DD needs boob-on-tap for just one night) but express during the night at some point so you don't get the engorged leaky boobs syndrome but still get some decent sleep?

I wouldn't because I think it's cruel to the baby, who will be distraught without you. I've been there OP, it will get better. She probably won't take the expressed milk and will wait for you and your boobs will kill.
Could grandparents distract her with food and sippy cups for an afternoon while you catch up?

Forgot to say... We do co-sleep, have not been able to do anything but. From day one she went mental in a cot. Co-sleeping has been a God send. She has three proper feeds in the night, the rest is mostly comfort. Hoped I could try DP sleeping between us to see what happens but he's not keen. Day time she will only nap in pram with it moving and I do not drive.

Oh I feel your pain OP even though mine are 4.9 and 2.4 it's still etched in my memory....sleepless nights, feeling like a dairy cow and your word suffocated is absolutely the right word.

Only you know your baby. I personally wouldn't have gone straight to a whole night away.

I agree with the advise to look at the Dr Sears/high needs/no cry solution books. They were a God send.

Mine wouldn't take a bottle but had no issues going to a sippy cup at 6 months.

My suggestions?

• it really is a phase
• try a sippy cup instead of a bottle at this age
• do what is right for you as a family. If you think your baby will be too upset at being left that long you're probably right
• shorter times away more frequently worked for us

My kids didn't sleep better until they got down to 1 or 2 naps during the day aged between 9 and 10 months. After that things did honestly get easier. They stopped night feeds around that age too.

Hope that helps xx

Op I feel your pain. My husband workshops hour and is actually worse than useless when he is here, so it was all down to me. I started weaning, baby led, and thankfully ds took to it really well. By 7 months he was eating reasonable amounts and drinking from a sippy cup, water. I could bf him then leave him with Mil for half a day. She could give him food and water and a walk in the pram. He was a crap napper for me but napped very well for her. It could be a halfway thing to tide you over the next few months. It is hard.

Baby shouldn't need milk in the night much so will be fine. Do it do it. Not least because you might learn something unexpected. It always happens. When you step away they always step up and surprise you by going to sleep, sleeping longer, crying less or something. Sometimes us mums are actually the problem inadvertently. Are they nearby? You could agree to keep you phone on in case she really loses her shit and needs you. But I suspect she would get on fine with two other adults who love and will do their best for her for just one night.

Mine s 5.5mths (dc3) and feeds up to 10 times a night, we co-sleep. But I think she would do much better not with me. I'm just not willing to try it out yet but if I was at the end of my tether, I wouldn't hesitate.

I'm with those pps who say they wouldn't do it. Partly because of the stress this would cause baby (and it absolutely would, it's going cold turkey, and she would have no idea of when or if you were coming back) but also because - one night is not going to make you feel any different. If anything, you'll feel more tired. You need to somehow tackle the night time feeding pattern. You have a HUGE sleep debt right now and a single night is nothing. You need multiple chunks of sleep over several weeks and then you'll start to feel sane again! Someone upthread mentioned Dr Jay Gordon - this is the best technique. He recommends not using it until baby is 1 but you could definitely adapt it to suit a younger baby. Eg ring-fencing a 4 hour block during the night rather than a 7 hour block. drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

Ok I'd hesitate. But I know in my heart shed be fine.

I wouldn't do it. Not because she wouldn't be fine, which I bet she probably would, but because one night isn't going to save your sanity. I think you need to look at the bigger picture and try to find a way to get more sleep in general, not just one night at crisis point.

I'm not up for co-sleeping so can't comment on that, but would she take a dummy instead of boob sometimes? Could you try upping her feeds during the day so you know she's not actually hungry? My DS's sleep went a bit wonky when we started weaning but overall it has improved as he's taking in more during the day. I hope this is the case for you as I couldn't cope with being where you are and totally understand how you must be feeling.

I would leave her without question yes an unhappy baby is not a good thing but a mother on the verge of a breakdown from exhaustion is dangerous, ive been tired to the point I had a flash of rage that made me want to chuck ds in his cot and leave him there it only lasted a second but it was terrifying for me to feel so angry. I was so tired I couldn't cope I needed things to change so they did ds was pissed but it made me a better mother and him a better baby as a result of having a fully functional care giver instead of an exhausted weepy zombie.

Sometimes mum has to come first for everyone's sake and for what its worth ds always slept much better at grannys and nannas house than at home often right through the night. I was like you could not sleep with ds in the house I could hear him it was pointless. I needed sleep anyone who says you can survive without it can speak foe their bloody self not for me.

Also I disagree with one night not making a difference it made a huge difference to me i could think straight and pull a plan together to stick to though 2 nights would be even better.

Yes absoloutely go for it but make sure they have a cup or something they can use that she can drink out of it if she refuses a bottle. You sound like you need a little break

How would this logistically work?

She's EBF and a co-sleeper and you plan on spending a night away from her and an hour's drive away?

Would she be co-sleeping with your mom or would she be made to sleep alone in a cot, in a strange environment and not have her comfort (mom and milk) either?

At 6 months of age and knowing my baby was so dependent on me for comfort overnight I just couldn't do it.

I EBF for 6 months and my DS's sleep was horrendous. He was feeding every two hours through the night, sometimes more often, and I was exhausted. He didn't nap in the day either. When he was 10 months old I sleep trained him because I was living on about 4 hours sleep a day and I was at breaking point.

You have my sympathy because sleep deprivation is awful but think how the separation would affect your baby.

Would you feed her immediately before she goes to sleep and then make the drive back to yours? And then would you get back to their house early the next day in order to feed her as soon as she woke up?

Because between all the travelling and the anxiety you will probably feel overnight about having left her, it doesn't sound very restful.

Can't your parents stay at yours whilst you sleep in a local B&B as at least then your daughter will be in familiar surroundings and you can get back to her quickly and easily if things don't go well?

I would do it. Iv been there. I was referred for severe post natal depression. Psychologist said it was actually exhaustion due to lack of sleep. Sent dc of to grandparents who had been pre prepped so they were aware of the screaming, dc might just keep crying and refuse bottle. I had a blissful nights kip - did a quick express into the sink when I woke up full then back to sleep.

Dc turned out no to be too bad for pil. They tag teamed him and I felt like a new women

No way. I wouldn't even leave my dd at one years old. I might consider it now she's 2.5, but we do actually get a lot of sleep these days so I don't need to for that reason. It does get better with time, I have done nothing to encourage this and she maybe has one night feed, sometimes none at all. Could they perhaps watch her in the day for you just after you've fed? I know it's sleep you're really after but a bit of time just doing something for yourself might help you feel much better.

The baby will be fine without food over night (and if it is a bottle refuser that's what'll happen in all likelihood)

But I would be thinking about whether it's time to close boob shop and get some life back. That's what I did at 9 months and was the right thing looking back. Ds went without milk for 2 days before taking a cup of ex BM.

Only now am I seeing the physically affects of pushing myself like that. Although, there are other factors (I went back to work to a stressful job, had to stay overnight occasionally and had to sleep)

I did with mine, he was fine. I expressed regularly for my own comfort, he was eating solid food well. I don't feel at all bad about it, he's almost 4 now and has no lasting damage as far as I can tell.

FWIW, he never took a bottle, I stopped breastfeeding at 13 months and made a massive effort to make sure he had enough calcium in his diet and supplemented with vitamins.