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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder if it's too late to stop my neighbours walking through my garden

260 replies

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 16:19

We live in a row of houses that backs on to lovely moorland and the best thing about my house is that our garden has a gate on to the moor. most of the other houses do too but one house doesn't.

There's one small private spot, on a bench, inside a sort of half shed, where no-one can see you I like to potter in the garden

The previous owner of the house-that-doesn't became a dear friend of ours over the years and after we'd known each other about 8 years I told her she shouldn't keep walking round to the end of the road to get on the moor but should just treat our garden as the route.

So, a very pleasant new set of neighbours have moved in and DH, in a fit of welcoming enthusiasm, apparently said "oh feel free to go through our garden" to this complete stranger.

Consequently, I am finding that the family (mum and two girls, mum with friend, au pair with girls) just routinely walk back and forth through my garden.

Yesterday I wanted to go and garden but saw them setting off (after spotting acomplete stranger - the mum's friend, having a good look round) so locked the back gate whilst I was in the garden so there wouldn't be too much of shock when the gate opened (I know it's not a shock shock but some people will understand).

The garden was somewhere I felt safe. Having a family go through it is too much. But what the heck do I do? Dh says he is sorry and will tell them it was a mistake but that will just make me sound like a bitch.

DH of course never uses the garden and has no idea what it is to potter quietly in your safe place.

To explain it, it's not like having someone coming through your bedroom, but it is like someone walking through your hall.

The neighbour is going to think I'm a right cow if I say anything isn't she? Shall I just start accidentally locking it?

what do I do?

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 16/05/2016 18:21

I would just lock the gate. The au pair will only try once or twice and then go back to walking the front way.

MadisonMontgomery · 16/05/2016 18:24

Lock the bloody gate, and do NOT say that previous neighbour had access - if she queries say your DH must have confused her as he meant it as a one-off. I have a friend who has a right of way through the middle of her back garden, which she thinks was granted due to previous neighbours allowing access to a footpath behind her house. She cannot lock her gate, and her neighbours walk through the garden whenever they please. Stop this NOW.

Kidnapped · 16/05/2016 18:25

Just text her:

Hi neighbour, We've noticed a big increase in people using our garden to access the moor and we're going to have to ask everyone to stop using our garden and garden gate from now on. Hope you understand, whydidhesaythat.

Job done. Then she'll think you are sending the text to loads of people, and not just her.

diddl · 16/05/2016 18:25

"I can't lock the gate because the au pair has started bringing the small children home through it (they are actually diverting away from the road to live out the rural fantasy of walking through my gate!!!!) and it might create an awkward situation for her that she'd tell the mum about."

So bloody what?

It's not your concern.

PeaceLoveGonk · 16/05/2016 18:26

You do know you're going to have to move, don't you?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/05/2016 18:26

OK, here's how it starts. "Jane, when DH told me he'd told you to feel free to use our garden to access the moor, I was actually horrified, but I was too embarrassed to say anything. I'm so sorry. He doesn't ever garden there and rarely sits in there so he has no idea. He's an idiot. I know it's full of the neighbourhood kids but I've known them all since babyhood. When your au pair walks through and sees the state of the garden/state of me I feel awkward. I'm really sorry but it isn't working for me. Even my really close friends only use it occasionally - DH is clueless. men are clueless. I'm so sorry"

I wouldn't go with that - it's really waffly, and it doesn't come across well. Saying you were horrified makes you sound like a bit of a cow and pointing out that it's full of neighbourhood kids is quite clique-y - they are welcome but her family is not. The men are clueless bit doesn't really come across as I think you intended it, either.

Maybe if you decide what you want more it will help you formulate this better? You can be friends with them, or you can have a private garden. There's not really a middle ground now because DH has invited them to treat your garden like their own and rescinding that is never going to go down well.

If you didn't have other people in the garden, you could say you like the quiet or you work there sometimes and can you have some notice of when people will pass through - which would be enough hassle to put them off 99% of the time - but if it's usually full of kids, it's always going to come off like you just don't want them there. It kinda negates your argument about your safe space if it's full of other people anyway, because these people would become friends too, IFSWIM?

So I think you just need to accept that this will likely end the friendship and just ask them not to use the garden as a throughway. Don't give an explanation, because that's better than worsening the insult, and it gives them little to argue with. If they mention DH giving them permission, just act shocked but don't change your mind. That'll probably be the end of comms.

I was going to suggest taking up nude sunbathing but you'd need to get rid of all your other garden guests, too!

PitilessYank · 16/05/2016 18:26

I will be visiting England later this year, and I would be happy to tell your neighbors to stop traipsing through your garden. I will go door-to-door. You just have to put up with it for a few more months.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/05/2016 18:27

Although Kidnapped and diddl are spot on here, and I think I'm probably showing how much of a people pleaser I am!

TheHiphopopotamus · 16/05/2016 18:27

So bloody what?

It's not your concern

This ^ A thousand times over. Woman up, OP, just tell her. In fact, if you like, I will tell her for you. Job done.

2rebecca · 16/05/2016 18:27

I would just go round and say could they please stop using your garden as your husband didnt ask you before saying they could and youd like more privacy. Get a lock for a while and ask the au pair not to use it. I'd hate people wandering through my garden. Fine if you buy a house knowing there is a right of way but creating one if you hate it is daft. No one else lets folk traipse
through their garden. They can get to the moor but just have a short wslk

Marcipex · 16/05/2016 18:29

Good idea Kidnapped

BagelGoesWalking · 16/05/2016 18:30

Just say you don't feel safe with leaving the gate open at all times and don't want unexpected visitors in YOUR garden!

That's it. Your neighbour probably doesn't even realise the Au Pair is using it so much.

Go on! Do it when you next see her.

BagelGoesWalking · 16/05/2016 18:31

Or wait for Pitiless Yank ....

Moving15 · 16/05/2016 18:31

Just put a lock on it!! The longer you leave it unlocked the more confusion you are creating

HouseOfBiscuits · 16/05/2016 18:32

I like the suggestion from Kidnapped. Lock it now, send text and breathe a sigh of relief!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/05/2016 18:35

I would pop over and say that you're going to put a lock on your gate for security reasons, could she please let her au pair know that she won't be able to cut through your garden anymore.

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 18:35

kidnapped...you might be on to something..

diddl.. it is my concern! there are about six families and we are a real community. We look out for each other's kids....

OP posts:
LittleMissBossyBoots · 16/05/2016 18:39

Take up naked gardening. Or better yet, get your DH to take it up.

TheHiphopopotamus · 16/05/2016 18:43

Ok, so you're not going to say anything. You're not going to let DH say anything.

You've brushed off every suggestion that anyone has come up with, from what to say to locking the gate.

I'm not sure what you were wanting from this thread, to be honest.

Fanakapan · 16/05/2016 18:43

Sorry haven't rtft but could you say that you've recently reinsured your house and the insurers asked you to confirm there's no public right of way through the property. You're terribly sorry but you're going to have to restrict access to homeowners only and lock the gate.

Shrug, eye roll, what can you do, how lovely is this weather?

amicissimma · 16/05/2016 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 16/05/2016 18:46

It is difficult when you've already said she could do this. But I would have taken that to mean the odd time not this constantly traipsing through with a rag taggle of friends. It's cheeky. I agree with telling them you;ve had strangers wandering in so you are locking the gate from now on.

diddl · 16/05/2016 18:46

It's not a right of way & you don't have to let it be used as one.

If other neighbours are so concerned they can offer up their gardens & gates!

ProfYaffle · 16/05/2016 18:47

Lol @ naked gardening. Better yet, invite them round to join in the naked gardening. I doubt you'll hear from them again ....

diddl · 16/05/2016 18:47

"It is difficult when you've already said she could do this."

No it isn't.

Her husband said it & he has offered to recify it.