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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder if it's too late to stop my neighbours walking through my garden

260 replies

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 16:19

We live in a row of houses that backs on to lovely moorland and the best thing about my house is that our garden has a gate on to the moor. most of the other houses do too but one house doesn't.

There's one small private spot, on a bench, inside a sort of half shed, where no-one can see you I like to potter in the garden

The previous owner of the house-that-doesn't became a dear friend of ours over the years and after we'd known each other about 8 years I told her she shouldn't keep walking round to the end of the road to get on the moor but should just treat our garden as the route.

So, a very pleasant new set of neighbours have moved in and DH, in a fit of welcoming enthusiasm, apparently said "oh feel free to go through our garden" to this complete stranger.

Consequently, I am finding that the family (mum and two girls, mum with friend, au pair with girls) just routinely walk back and forth through my garden.

Yesterday I wanted to go and garden but saw them setting off (after spotting acomplete stranger - the mum's friend, having a good look round) so locked the back gate whilst I was in the garden so there wouldn't be too much of shock when the gate opened (I know it's not a shock shock but some people will understand).

The garden was somewhere I felt safe. Having a family go through it is too much. But what the heck do I do? Dh says he is sorry and will tell them it was a mistake but that will just make me sound like a bitch.

DH of course never uses the garden and has no idea what it is to potter quietly in your safe place.

To explain it, it's not like having someone coming through your bedroom, but it is like someone walking through your hall.

The neighbour is going to think I'm a right cow if I say anything isn't she? Shall I just start accidentally locking it?

what do I do?

OP posts:
TattyCat · 16/05/2016 17:34

I read the first page thinking "oh blimey, they're establishing a legal right of way here... must tell her!" and lo, it's all over the 2nd page already.

Op, you need to stop them accessing the moor through your garden immediately because you are establishing a legal right of way. You may already have done so, depending on how long you allowed your previous neighbour to use it. Check it out because you're heading down a very potentially painful and expensive path!

beccabanana · 16/05/2016 17:35

If I was the neighbour and suddenly the gate was being locked, I would graciously take the hint that you didn't want people trapesing through your garden. If I did bring it up (which I wouldn't) I'd just ask is it not convenient, it's no problem, we didn't realise etc. Then again, I'm very considerate of other people's feelings and wouldn't say boo to a goose. I just think the gate locking could save any fall out and if it was questioned, then the 'there were people walking through that I didn't know' line should suffice

Ripeberry · 16/05/2016 17:35

Tell them strangers are coming off the moor INTO your garden. And it's locked for everyone's safety. My grandad used to have a gate into woodland, used it for years, until strangers used his garden as a shortcut to the street!

HanYOLO · 16/05/2016 17:40

Lock it and have no qualms

It's not a right of way, and don't let it become one.

How far is the walk round anyway?

limitedperiodonly · 16/05/2016 17:54

Tell your husband to rescind the offer. Mine often does things like this. The kindness of his heart runs away with him. Luckily mine is never going to get very far with me.

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 18:00

I can't possibly do the right of way thing because it sounds so bloody antagonistic. I never thought of it which is a bit embarrassing because I am a lawyer - but not when I'm in my garden IYSWIM.

I can't lock the gate because the au pair has started bringing the small children home through it (they are actually diverting away from the road to live out the rural fantasy of walking through my gate!!!!) and it might create an awkward situation for her that she'd tell the mum about. No mother will understand if some weird thing happens as they walk back around and small child ends up crying or something... she'll feel protective and as if her child had been made unsafe.

The truth is the only option. And that's awful because how can she understand the difference between the neighbours' kids coming in and out and her/her kids/her au pair/her mate with her coming in and out.

Fucking DH!

OK, here's how it starts. "Jane, when DH told me he'd told you to feel free to use our garden to access the moor, I was actually horrified, but I was too embarrassed to say anything. I'm so sorry. He doesn't ever garden there and rarely sits in there so he has no idea. He's an idiot. I know it's full of the neighbourhood kids but I've known them all since babyhood. When your au pair walks through and sees the state of the garden/state of me I feel awkward. I'm really sorry but it isn't working for me. Even my really close friends only use it occasionally - DH is clueless. men are clueless. I'm so sorry"

OP posts:
whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 18:01

Oh, and the geography goes like this:

  1. road
  2. houses
3 back way/snicket round the back of houses 4 gardens (so the gardens are split away from the houses)

But my poor neighbour doesn't have a garden abutting the moor, so can't put a gate in

OP posts:
ChicRock · 16/05/2016 18:04

Too waffly and not particularly clear what you're getting at. It reads to me like you're asking only that the au-pair stops using it.

Start with... "I'm very sorry but you're not going to be able to use our garden for access in future, I'll be locking the gate...".

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 18:06

oh shit I can't say that....

all the other neighbours will think I'm an uptight bitch now...

OP posts:
FuriousFate · 16/05/2016 18:09

You don't have anything to feel guilty about. Woman up, OP! You're obviously a lovely person but you're going to get walked all over (or your garden is) if you don't say what you think soon. Good luck, it's really hard when being nice is your modus operandi.

SpinnakerInTheEther · 16/05/2016 18:11

Get a pet that you let into the garden but have to keep the gate locked so they don't escape?

Start looking after a young child so you have to keep the gate locked, as they play out?

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 18:11

It's worse than that furious.

through nervousness, I'm going to come across as slimy/smarmy/nasty/smirky - it's going to come out terribly.

My fucking husband! He always comes out smelling of roses and leaving me looking like the bad guy. He used to do this to his sister when they were kids too.

OP posts:
MintyChops · 16/05/2016 18:13

Try " Hi Jane, hope you are settling in well? Look, I just wanted to mention that it's not going to be possible to come through our garden to get to the moor any longer. Thought I should let you know sooner rather than later so Au Pair can get used to going round by the road. Beautiful day today wasn't it? Anyway must dash, so much to do......"

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 16/05/2016 18:13

Your DH created this problem in offering the use of the garden, and he's offered to rectify it by telling the neighbours it was a mistake. Why not let him deal with it then, and save yourself all this anxiety at what to say?

The neighbours can't really complain about not having access to someone's private land. Just smile and say hello in a friendly way whenever you see them and I doubt they'll think badly of you. The worst they're likely to think is that your husband is a bit of an idiot.

PitilessYank · 16/05/2016 18:13

I don't think that locking the gate and waiting to see if they ask about it is the best response. It is very awkward, and might leave both of you feeling uncomfortable. I would just talk to them, and say exactly what you have said here, that having folks walking through the garden at random times, it turns out, is really affecting your enjoyment of your outside space. Just trust that they will understand it. (I would probably also have a little present of baked goods to give them at the same time, just to make is a bit more friendly.)

However, your mileage may vary. I tell people things they don't want to hear every day, as part of my work, so these sorts of conversations are very easy for me.

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 18:14

"Start looking after a young child so you have to keep the gate locked, as they play out?"

Where am going to find one of them? It's back to the spiralling lie again...

could I text her?
I am so sad because I thought we were going to be friends and now she'll hate me.

OP posts:
MintyChops · 16/05/2016 18:14

No excuses. No I'm sorry, keep it casual but just say it as a fact. Done!

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 18:14

I suppose I could adopt....

OP posts:
PeaceLoveGonk · 16/05/2016 18:15

Oh for Pete's sake, OP, stop being such a wet lettuce. Lock the bloody gate (this is going to turn into a cancel-the-cheque fiasco of a thread!)

HanYOLO · 16/05/2016 18:17

No you are not being uptight. It's your space and the neighbours kids are there at your invitation or your kids' invitation.

Taking a short cut through someone else's garden on a daily basis is a bit out of order too.

You don't have to explain why, just say hi mrs new neighbour, we'd rather you didn't use our garden to access the moor, sorry for any confusion, thanks. if she says oh your DH said it was ok, you just say "oh did he?" and look vague, no it was just a misunderstanding, wrong end of the stick, love.

HanYOLO · 16/05/2016 18:18

Does your garden have a gate on your side of snicket or gate on moor side of snicket, or both, or is the snicket through/open to the garden?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 16/05/2016 18:19

Unless your neighbours are deeply unpleasant and entitled people they will be perfectly understanding when DH rescinds the invitation (just be honest, it was a spur of the moment thing, but now it's been thought through you realise it's a bad idea for a a variety of reasons).

If they are unpleasant and entitled doesn't really matter if you piss them off.

And lock your gate so people don't "forget".

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 18:20

gate on moor side of snicket,

It is true, I am a wet lettuce.

I once broke another neightbour's cello a bit (long story) and she came round bright and breezy saying "isn't it brilliant! I got it fixed for just £90!" so I wrote her a cheque and everything was fine.

I wish I get her to do it (but she died so I can't)

OP posts:
HanYOLO · 16/05/2016 18:20

She won't hate you

IMO Au Pair is taking the piss

OP posts:
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