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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH always makes me out to be some sort of domestic failure because I'm female?

99 replies

FakeOrchids · 16/05/2016 10:02

DH works full time. I work pretty much full time via a combination of working in a part time job and running my own online business. 2 kids, age 7 and 9.

To cut a long story short, I do practically everything in the house: all of the housework, laundry, food shopping, cooking, childcare, organising, etc, with DH maybe unloading the dishwasher very occasionally or putting the occasional load of washing in the machine. He refuses to do more as he 'works'.

I am getting fucking sick of him insinuating all the time through jibes, sarcastic jokes and moaning comments that I am some sort of domestic failure as things aren't done to his standards. To be fair, most mess is mess that he has made!

There is always this underlying eye rolling smirking attitude of "We all know how useless you are in the house". Sometimes he moans at the children that "Mummy hasn't done her job properly". Yesterday he moaned because the fridge hadn't been tidied and wiped out in a few weeks. He also always gets onto me saying lots of women have much higher standards than me, and manage to bake, make things etc. I just don't have the time to a)make the house a showhome and b)bake!

AIBU to be fucked off? We had an argument yesterday after the fridge incident and I told him that since he does fuck all in the house he doesn't get an opinion on the cleanliness/tidiness of the house. Now he's in a bad mood with me and apparently I have an attitude problem!!

OP posts:
LidikaLikes · 16/05/2016 10:05

Is the root of his issue the fact he doesn't seem to want a working wife, would prefer a SAHM?

He sounds like a prat.

Criticism of you in front of your DC is low.

YANBU to be annoyed or to point out his double standards.

Junosmum · 16/05/2016 10:06

YANBU.

He's a sexist twat.

Next time he mentions it tell him to it himself. Stop washing his stuff or cooking for him. I would not let him get away with that attitude.

OTheHugeManatee · 16/05/2016 10:07

He is a sexist dickhead and YANBU.

'Mummy hasn't done her job'. WTF. So he gets to be waited on hand and foot, strew his shit everywhere and still swan about in a spotless house because you- who also work full time - are doing all the shitwork on top of your paid job? I don't think so.

Hire a cleaner if you can afford it, but even that doesn't solve the problem which is his disgusting, prehistoric attitude.

Twitterqueen · 16/05/2016 10:11

I've got the rage Angry
Tell the stupid, fucking, arrogant, lazy dick that clearly "Daddy isn't doing his job properly as he never helps Mummy with anything."

OTheHugeManatee · 16/05/2016 10:11

You need to challenge him on his attitude. 'Why is it my job? Why are you exempt from picking up after yourself? Is it because I have a vagina? Why does that make me your domestic servant when we both work? Why should I spend my free hours doing chores while you get to sit around? How is that fair?'.

OTheHugeManatee · 16/05/2016 10:13

Or perhaps of you were really bitchy you could tell the children in front of him that Daddy isn't doing his job properly because he doesn't earn enough money to pay for a cleaner to pick up the mess he leaves everywhere.

JingsAndCrivens · 16/05/2016 10:15

He sounds like a massive twat. A massive sexist twat. I don't get this 'I work full time therefore I don't need to lift a finger in the house' mentality. If he was a single man would he not do any housework then either?

MollyRedskirts · 16/05/2016 10:16

He is being a massive wanker.

It's up to you what you do about, but you obviously see it's not right since you're posting about it. I'd be tempted to go full on nuclear in my response, if it were me.

tootsietoo · 16/05/2016 10:18

If he actually really said that to the children - then that is beyond the pale. That is almost LTB territory for me!

It's really simple. If anyone (adult or child) wants something done in the house, they do it themselves. Not expect someone else to do it for them!

penisbeakerlaminateflooringetc · 16/05/2016 10:19

Wow.

Why on earth is the mess your responsibility? And to criticise you in front of your children?

Your children will grow up thinking it is normal for women to do ALL the work.

someonestolemynick · 16/05/2016 10:20

Wow, what an arsehole!

Please don't involve your kids in a pa stand off though.

Is your th otherwise pleasant company? If no, my first ever LTB.

If yes, adopt an attitude of why is it my job? In my house we have a "if it bothers you, you clean it up rule." In a household everyone (and that includes kids) should pitch in to run the show. It's not your job anymore than it is and the fact day to cure his attitude problem is to laugh in his face and make it obvious how ridiculous he is being.

Groovee · 16/05/2016 10:20

Go on strike! Do yours and the children's stuff and nothing of his for being so rude.

Arkhamasylum · 16/05/2016 10:20

This has given me the rage. You work. It's not your job to pick up after him. He shouldn't be bringing your children into it.

Does he think he's your master because you married him? Being constantly undermined and criticised isn't a joke. It's serious. He's a sexist bully.

NannawifeofBaldr · 16/05/2016 10:23

I'd be volcanically angry for a long time.

Serious discussions would be had.

RobotLover68 · 16/05/2016 10:23

Yesterday he moaned because the fridge hadn't been tidied and wiped out in a few weeks

I would be handing him a cloth

seven201 · 16/05/2016 10:24

He is a twat

Arfarfanarf · 16/05/2016 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 16/05/2016 10:30

Why do you do all the housework in the first place? You've taken your role in this mess, you've put yourself in the position of slave.
I'd stop, if I were you.

ThatStewie · 16/05/2016 10:30

Criticising you like this is emotionally abusive behaviour. It's controlling and cruel - especially using your children as props for his personal attacks on you.
Do you want to continue this relatuonship?

glassgarden · 16/05/2016 10:32

Play along with it, agree that domestic work isn't your forte, laugh it off and deliberately do a bad job so that he has to do it

This is a strategy that many men use to great effect, you can make it work for you too😋😇

Standingonmytippytoes · 16/05/2016 10:32

AHHHH... I'm so angry on your behalf.
What a twat tell him to take care of himself get a dickhead basket label it Dickheads and put all his shit in it.

He says anything about shit not being clean show him where the cleaning supplies are.

Or better yet LTB.

pitterpatterrain · 16/05/2016 10:35

Wow. Unacceptable.

Has he got worse recently or has he always been like this?

glassgarden · 16/05/2016 10:37

He is of course a manipulative piece of shiite
Stop letting him get to you, he is jerking you around like a puppet on a string, stop reacting, don't absorb his criticism, let it be water off a ducks back

leelu66 · 16/05/2016 10:38

Why are you putting up with this OP?

Give him a list of chores. Until he starts doing his half of the chores, don't cook for him or do his laundry or shop for him.

LookJustCancelTheCheque · 16/05/2016 10:40

He's being a cunt.

He mustn't make snarky comments in front of the children. If you say nothing else, call him out on that.

But personally I'd make sure I gave myself as much time off work as he gets, and never mind any housework that doesn't get done as a result. If he moans about it, point out that this is what happens when you've both got the same amount of free time, and say that you'll divide up remaining chores equally.

As for I would be handing him a cloth – I'd be handing him his balls on a plate.