To be annoyed that DH always makes me out to be some sort of domestic failure because I'm female?

[FakeOrchids]

DH works full time. I work pretty much full time via a combination of working in a part time job and running my own online business. 2 kids, age 7 and 9.

To cut a long story short, I do practically everything in the house: all of the housework, laundry, food shopping, cooking, childcare, organising, etc, with DH maybe unloading the dishwasher very occasionally or putting the occasional load of washing in the machine. He refuses to do more as he 'works'.

I am getting fucking sick of him insinuating all the time through jibes, sarcastic jokes and moaning comments that I am some sort of domestic failure as things aren't done to his standards. To be fair, most mess is mess that he has made!

There is always this underlying eye rolling smirking attitude of "We all know how useless you are in the house". Sometimes he moans at the children that "Mummy hasn't done her job properly". Yesterday he moaned because the fridge hadn't been tidied and wiped out in a few weeks. He also always gets onto me saying lots of women have much higher standards than me, and manage to bake, make things etc. I just don't have the time to a)make the house a showhome and b)bake!

AIBU to be fucked off? We had an argument yesterday after the fridge incident and I told him that since he does fuck all in the house he doesn't get an opinion on the cleanliness/tidiness of the house. Now he's in a bad mood with me and apparently I have an attitude problem!!

Sounds as if he's bullying you! A slippery slope to a split up. You both need to sit down and tell him straight that you are not happy with his attitude.
Then you'll know where you stand, one way or the other.
Men who are playing away always start to 'snipe' like this, trying to 'gaslight' the wife so she is seen to be the unreasonable one!

The fact he does this and in front of your children is enough to give me rage!

Bloody hell.

He needs stringing up by his pubic hair.

Oh shit. I think I have this too but in a slightly milder form, my husband is directly influenced by his Dad who delights in telling me how pleased he is that his daughter has become such a proud housewife. My husband loves to jokingly tell me how messy I am but he himself does very little of the stuff that needs doing. I am surrounded by women who delight in talking about how much time they spend on their houses and I always feel inadequate. How did I end up here?? How did we all end up here? Where are all you lovely mumsnetters who seem to live in the real world?

Meemolly, now you see it, what are you going to do about it so that your DC and their partnera aren't saying the same in 20/30 years?

As a start, spend less time with these people and more with more fun and less sexist people! Or doing whatever you enjoy.

Sounds like you'd be better off without him.

Shame DH doesn't get a proper job that pays decently allowing you to stay home doing all the things he wants.

But too bad - he isn't an alpha male and able to do that.

YANBU OP! I'd hit the roof.

Where is the OP?

He's a cockwomble. What are you getting out of this relationship exactly? You're already working full time and running the house, so essentially doing everything you would if you kicked the fucker out.

I too get the rage at the assumption that having a vagina means you do all the housework. There should be an equal (or at least equal-ish) division of labour if you both work FT.

FWIW I am a SAHM so I do all the running of the house - but only because I am a SAHM. When I worked full time I did longer hours than my DH so he did most of the housework!

Just ask him who is going to be doing all the domestic chores in his new place when he's living on his own.

How many of these posts do we need to have on here? OP, of course you are not being unreasonable, your partner is a prick, but you absolutely have to stop putting up with it.

Partner and I have a rule that whoever has the day off work does the housework (he works during the week and I work weekends ). Because I have more time at home I do all the big jobs like cleaning the oven or changing bed linen. Tbh ,I have higher standards than my partner and his version of tidy is very different to mine BUT I never criticise him for it I just redo it when he's not looking He does try and always seems so happy with himself when he tells me what little jobs he's done for me. I wouldn't criticise him just because I'm overly picky, it's my issue so I'll sort it out. Same as ,I tend to do all the DIY jokes (it's become a bit of an in joke with all the neighbours that they always see me with the power tools whilst partner sits with his cup of tea watching ). He's always more than happy to do whatever DIY jobs I ask of him BUT I feel better doing it myself as he doesn't have the perfectionist streak in him like I do. This would probably be different if we both worked fulltime and I was too tired to do it all myself.

Basically, what I'm saying is ,if he has issues with how you do stuff then he should do it himself !! It's always easy to have higher standards when you're telling someone else what to do. But when they have to do it themselves it's a different story.

Dh works full time. He's really good at cleaning the inside of the fridge and washing up. I'd laugh it off then tell him I'm trading him in for an upgraded model. One, who knows how to use the Hoover and cook a meal and such like.

And if dh did stuff like that in front of DD, I'd do roll eyes, daddy's going off on one crazy and I'd take him to task behind closed doors.

Dh is better than me verbally, when I'm really not happy about something, I send him an email - a bit more formal than a text. I'm careful to be very adult about it and it usually works. It took me a long time to get to this position as he used to be a real manchild.

He also always gets onto me saying lots of women have much higher standards than me, and manage to bake, make things etc.

To which you counter that lots of men with MUCH higher status jobs than him manage to pull their fucking weight domestically.

My dh (and I when I'm not on mat leave) has a long hours, high pressure job. In charge of projects worth billions. He still does his share of child wrangling and domestic shit because he lives here too and he's not a massive twat he was up at 5:30 this morning to take ds while I got an hour of sleep as I'd been up all night. He gives him breakfast and parks him in the home office in his bounced while he gets a head start on emails. Then he goes to work all day. There's no whining when he gets home if the house isn't pristine. Again, because he lives here too and he's not a massive twat.

Counter it. Every time.

I know ltb is a mumsnet cliche but this is hugely twattish behaviour

Quite right nannyogg

Harrrumph.

Op, stop putting up with it! Tell him to pull his bloody weight or sling his bloody hook. Tell him he's a whining, mysogynistic man child. Tell him you're sick of acting like his mum. Tell him there is NOTHING less attractive than a whiny, entitled man child.

If he wants a housekeeper he can pay for one. Honestly, I would be kicking him to the kerb.

He refuses to do his fair share of housework. OK. Why don't you refuse to do his housework for him?

You are behaving as if it is genuinely is your housework that he helps with.

Do you wash his pants for him? Do you buy and cook food for him then clean up afterwards? If so, why?

I am intrigued as to how he refuses? "DH you are in charge of meal planning, food shopping, cooking and cleaning up afterwards from now on. I am in charge of laundry and the family diary." What would happen?

Btw why are you ever touching the dishwasher? Surely everyone knows that is the perfect job for a 7 and 9 year old. Hoovering, table wiping and bathroom sink wiping is theirs too. Or are they allowed to opt out too? Please tell me you aren't training your sons that only grown women do housework.

This is a really depressing post OP. I'm a SAHM with 1 toddler and even my DP would never say anything like that. He doesn't appreciate what you do.. He seems to forget you are working just because some of it is at home. What a prick.

My husband works seven 12-14hr days most weeks but does whatever housework he comes across. Whether that's putting washing out, ironing school uniforms, cooking, whatever without even mentioning it. I work two days a week and have two children but I'm sure he does as much as me if I sat down and thought about it.

Why on earth are you putting up with this? Is he the shag of the century? Seriously, get rid asap. This man is a nasty piece of work.

Is he shag of the century?

Think I would say to the DC when he spouts that bull 'and if daddy earned enough to support all of us on his own I could give up work but as he doesn't he can get off his arse and help' and hand him a dishcloth!
Presuming he doesn't of course..
Seriously ...prat!
Does he have any good points?

Ether stop doing anything for him until he gets the message or just tell him to fuck off.

I suggest you begin by going away for the weekend leaving him to it.

Why have you allowed him to continue behaving in this way? It's not exactly a good example for your children is it?

He's definitely out of order he ought to help whether or not you work - one of DH's friends has a job one level below the main board at a FTSE 100 company and he does all the gardening and food shopping and most of the cooking (including filling the freezer for when he is away). So I won't let my DH get away with too much nonsense. (I'm a SAHM with a small part time job.) A few of my favourite phrases are

"Feel free" when he complains something hasn't been done

"Oh I thought you'd left it there for a reason" when complaining that his mess hasn't been tidied away

"Go and ask your father what he is making for lunch" when he has sat around reading the newspaper all Saturday morning