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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you think this is poor first date etiquette or not?

280 replies

Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 01:01

I went on a first date earlier. For starters he was half an hour late which I thought was pretty terrible, I was loitering around the meeting spot feeling like a bit of an idiot and towards the end was extremely tempted to tell him where to stick it... However he more than made up for it during the date. He was warm, kind, funny, charasmatic etc. We were having a fab time... Until his friends turn up at the bar. Instead of a simple hello and introduction which is what I expected, he invited them to sit with us! There was zero effort to include me in the conversation either, it was pretty much as though I weren't there discussing things between themselves about their shared nights out and such. I made my excuses up after maybe ten or fifteen minutes and left. He walked me to the bar entrance, hugged and asked if we could go for dinner next weekend. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to actually and felt it had all been rather rude.

I asked my friend for advice and she said she'd have felt flattered he wanted to introduce her to his friends. I didn't see it like that at all but then I am quite the introvert so not sure whether that has a bearing on things! AIBU to find it rude or is it just me being awkward?

OP posts:
eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/05/2016 15:56

what would he do if he did like her and did want to see her again

God, what would the date have been like if he hadn't liked her at all?? Actions speak louder than words; getting suckered into all kinds of terrible relationships often starts with trusting in how someone feels about you over how they actually treat you.

So much of this disaster date could have been avoided if he had in his mind that he might be meeting someone he could have a mutual affection for and who he would want to show some respect to.

Big date tomorrow? Don't get rat-arsed tonight. Bad news knocked you for six? Appeal to date for understanding at postpone - EARLY. Want to make a good impression? Don't be late. Shit, I'm late! better make up for it by being super attentive. Nope, ignoring her in favour of chatting to my mates about last night's piss up. The list goes on!!

PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 16:00

WellErr Blinkin' cheek! Borderline hysterical?

I don't think so.

So saying someone should give the heave ho to a bloke who is late, hung over, treats her with discourtesy to put it mildly and then has the cheek to ask for another date, is being hysterical?

God, don't know what some peeps boundaries are in a relationship

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/05/2016 16:03

I'd definitely go on a second date with him.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/05/2016 16:04

It is borderline hysterical.

Whisky2014 · 16/05/2016 16:04

Actually both time's I've said what I would do and that I don't think there's anything to lose to try once more...
I haven't encouraged her unlike many others saying don't go on the date and yes, as wellerrr has said "borderline hysterical" posters treating this as an armchair psychology sesh.
Not everyone who has been in a EA relationship is totally fucked. The op has stated herself "...treating dating as a bit of fun, meeting some new people, having new experiences etc. I wouldn't say I've actively been seeking a full on relationship."

The OP actually asked "AIBU to find it rude or is it just me being awkward?"

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/05/2016 16:09

I hope I'm not lumped in this "borderline hysterical" camp; I have definitely supported going on a second date if that's what OP wants to do!

However I truly believe this guy to be one of the classic "types" you're likely to meet (and get burnt by) on the dating scene. To me it is as clear as day, nothing hysterical about it.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/05/2016 16:10

Note: any over-analysing has been purely for the sake of attempting to explain that "type", in case any were unfamiliar. ...which it seems the majority are??

Whisky2014 · 16/05/2016 16:11

It's about what the OP wants to do and if she says "I think i'll give him a second chance" it's hardly up to anyone on here to say otherwise.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/05/2016 16:16

It's about what the OP wants to do

Well quite! But that's not why people discuss thing on a forum is it Grin

The hive mind and all that.

WellErrr · 16/05/2016 16:16

Of course it's borderline hysterical.

Bloke is late, communicates throughout and apologises profusely.
Is very pleasant on date.
Sees two friends in bar and chats to them for too long. Later acknowledges this, apologises and requests a second date where he promises to modify his behaviour accordingly.

Not sure any of this is worthy of a) labelling him all sorts from an alcoholic to an emotional abuser, or b) questioning OPs mental health and readiness to date if she's so wiling to 'put up with it.'

It's mad.
Just go out again if you like him.

Whisky2014 · 16/05/2016 16:17

Totally agree well!

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/05/2016 16:20

I think that last post was a tad on the hysterical side Well...

I have said it once and I will say it again, totally go out for a second date with anyone the hell you like for absolutely any reason under the sun. No-one is going to jump on you!

But forgive me if I think I know how this will end. And she did ask.

Bogeyface · 16/05/2016 16:37

Suggesting that the OP can do better than a man who treats her as unimportant on the very important impression making first date is hardly hysterical is it? And BTW, I hate the use of the word hysterical, its only ever levelled at women and is fucking insulting. I suggest you Google its etymology to find out why.

WellErrr · 16/05/2016 16:48

I would not use hysterical only to describe women.

PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 16:49

WellErr I don't think you have read the whole thread.

Did she say he only had 2 friends turn up? Wasn't it a crowd?

Those posters who think some of us are being hysterical have very low standards imo when it comes to how they accept first date behaviour.

PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 16:51

I would not use hysterical only to describe women.

But you know why it used to be? (hyster= wombs. men don't have them.)

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/05/2016 16:52

It was a couple Polly. All the weirder that they would blank OP all the way through their date.

WellErrr · 16/05/2016 17:04

Polly, I did not know that. Cheers.

Over reacting, then. Is there another term for hysterical?

It was a couple, not a group of rowdy mates as vaguely implied in OP.

WellErrr · 16/05/2016 17:05

And it wasn't all the way through, it was 15 mins at the end. And he acknowledged it was wrong and said it wouldn't happen again.

ample · 16/05/2016 17:17

You know what? It's a date. Toddzoid is not moving in with him and he hasn't proposed Hmm
Accept the second date - or not, OP. The decision is solely up to you.

Though what's with him apologising for his friends 'gatecrashing'. He invited them over didn't he? He invited them to join the table? Or did I miss something...
Nevermind enough of that, it's been over-analysed. Time to make a decision.

Bogeyface · 16/05/2016 17:24

Everytime women excuse a mans bad behaviour its a free pass for them to do it again, and then the Relationships board gets clogged with those same women wondering why their husbands are so useless. Sad to see what will be put up with in desperation.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 16/05/2016 17:26

just go, give him a second chance, you know some of his faults already, be wary but another date isn't committing yourself. I suspect he was really nervous and asked them without really thinking it through. no big deal, there was enough of a spark to try again. you can refuse a 3rd or 4th or 5th date if you so choose, it's under your control and you liked him if you don't go you will always wonder.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/05/2016 17:26

So you've never been late for anything Bogey.? You must be super human.

Bogeyface · 16/05/2016 17:31

Rarely, I am obsessed with punctuality, my issue is being early. But I can say that I have never been late for a date and certainly wouldnt be late for one on the basis of having a skin full the night before. But if you find that acceptable in a potential boyfriend then thats your look out. Personally I have higher standards.

Whisky2014 · 16/05/2016 17:34

How patronising!