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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think this is poor first date etiquette or not?

280 replies

Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 01:01

I went on a first date earlier. For starters he was half an hour late which I thought was pretty terrible, I was loitering around the meeting spot feeling like a bit of an idiot and towards the end was extremely tempted to tell him where to stick it... However he more than made up for it during the date. He was warm, kind, funny, charasmatic etc. We were having a fab time... Until his friends turn up at the bar. Instead of a simple hello and introduction which is what I expected, he invited them to sit with us! There was zero effort to include me in the conversation either, it was pretty much as though I weren't there discussing things between themselves about their shared nights out and such. I made my excuses up after maybe ten or fifteen minutes and left. He walked me to the bar entrance, hugged and asked if we could go for dinner next weekend. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to actually and felt it had all been rather rude.

I asked my friend for advice and she said she'd have felt flattered he wanted to introduce her to his friends. I didn't see it like that at all but then I am quite the introvert so not sure whether that has a bearing on things! AIBU to find it rude or is it just me being awkward?

OP posts:
IlikePercyPig · 16/05/2016 13:05

I'd give him one more chance but I'm a pretty forgiving person.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 13:10

I'm quite forgiving too but perhaps have been too forgiving in the past hence EA relationship Sad so I try to be much more cautious now to prevent that happening.

I'm going to give him the second shot I reckon. It does sound like he fucked up royally and wants to make up for it. Part of me (maybe a naive part..) thinks it's a good sign he wants to make up for it and is apologetic because if he didn't care surely he wouldn't bother trying a second time? I don't know. We all make mistakes and yes, I don't want to bin him off at this stage knowing so little about him. We did get on so well. I don't think they were super close friends from what I could gather, he seems to be the sort of person with lots of acquaintances probably through his job as a bar manager...

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 13:13

You seem emotionally over invested at this stage.

Are you ready for dating at all?

Maybe you should carry on building your self esteem and then you will have your arse radar set better when you date again.

Maybe see guys as friends for a while and forget about dating?

How did you meet this guy by the way? If it was online I'd stop. Meet people in real life through doing things you enjoy so you get to know them first as people maybe with shared interests before moving onto dating.

If you are doing OLD I'd stop- it's a minefield and not the best place for anyone out of an EA relationship. Yes there are some good 'uns, but there are loads of arses too.

PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 13:15

x posts.

As a bar manager he's going to be extroverted, charming, likes drink and likes people.

Is that what you want? Is that your type?

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/05/2016 13:21

He's a bar manager?? Oh god OP, he's "the type"! You know, the type I was telling about it in my reeeeaaallly long first post? He's that guy!!

Stay home.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/05/2016 13:22

You seem emotionally over invested at this stage

Agree with this Polly

Even the nicest guy in the world doesn't "care" after one date.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 13:22

It was through a mutual friend. I basically am friends with a man that works in a bar connected to the one he's manager at so they knew each other and I was at the mutual connections birthday party when we met a couple of weeks ago and exchanged numbers, text for a bit and decided to meet. Mutual friend told me he's a nice man, one of the good 'uns was how he put it. I should have said this initially I know but I'm majorly confused by the conflicting opinions right now, ha.

The failed first dates I went on were through OLD and they were pretty terrible. I think my self esteem is doing ok right now so thought I was ready to jump on back in but perhaps not... I have been happy on my own for quite a while building my own confidence back up pretty much from the ground and have been treating dating as a bit of fun, meeting some new people, having new experiences etc. I wouldn't say I've actively been seeking a full on relationship.

Dates usually go pretty bad but this is the first one not through OLD since my ex and maybe is why my perception is skewed further.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 13:24

Oh I didn't mean care about me per se, I meant he gives a shit enough to attempt to rectify his wrong doings rather than just behaving like a dick then dropping me? If that makes sense. But yes, maybe he's really not for me. He wasn't overly extroverted fwiw, seemed a bit of a mixture. He was quite nervy, especially at first.

OP posts:
lcoc2015 · 16/05/2016 13:24

Second chance but any more red flags call it a day

ChicRock · 16/05/2016 13:33

I'm really surprised anyone thinks you should give this guy another chance.

The start and end of the date were shit. Absolutely awful. That's him at his best.

Are you so desperate that almost any man will do? There's plenty more out there. Throw this one back and try again.

PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 13:35

If you are spending the best part of half a day talking online about this date, when you are supposed to be working from home, you are over-invested.

If you were more self assured, you'd either say ' Fuck him' or 'yeah..give him one more chance.'

It really shouldn't necessitate this amount of emotional energy from you, which is why I say you aren't ready for dating yet. Take a step back.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 13:45

Usually I wouldn't be this confused. It's been very cut and dry with others. I've basically been able to sack them off very quickly into the date. I actually liked him, he just cocked it up at the end hence my confusion but yes I'll put my self assured state of mind into action and give him one more chance... After consulting with my mother Wink.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 13:45

(And getting some more work done) Grin.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 16/05/2016 13:56

Is there anything to lose by seeing him again? If not, go, if there is then don't.
Worse case scenario, not enjoying the evening.

He's apologised. Take it at face value and try once more.

diamond457 · 16/05/2016 14:01

I personally wouldn't bother.
He was hungover so he was late? Didn't think to text to say hes running late, left you sat like a spare wheel and pulled several excuses over it.
Six months into the relationship he's going to be cancelling your planned days, running late for selfish reasons etc.
As for the friends what a load of bull. How awkward and to sit in conversation with them while you sit there, plain rude.
You will always be an option to him.

Whisky2014 · 16/05/2016 14:09

So many glass half empties here!

I'd just go on the date, you will see for yourself and can make up your mind without us telling you what to do.

Bogeyface · 16/05/2016 14:27

So many glass half empties here!

Yeah and you know why? Because giving a second chance to a man who treats you as an afterthought at a point when most people are trying to show their absolute best side is how you end up in a shitty relationship with someone who treats you badly.

If he doesnt give a toss on the first date, he sure as hell aint going to in 1, 5 or 10 years time is he? The OP can do better and I am amazed that so many think that she should squash down her feelings in case he is nice underneath his bad treatment of her! What if he isnt and his behaviour on the date really was the best of him?!

Its this kind of social conditioning of women to "catch" a man, any man, that leaves so many of us with useless, selfish or just good ol' abusive partners, because we are taught to not show our displeasure and to accept whatever shitty crumbs are thrown at us by the penis owners. The worst thing is, its other women who tell us this!

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2016 14:27

Having read all of this, my worry is that you aren't in a place to manage this sort of thing. He sounds like he has good points and bad points but that can go either way based on your boundaries. If you've come out of an EA relationship, your radar may be off and that could be a worry.

ChicRock · 16/05/2016 14:28

So many glass half empties here!

Nope, just a healthy dose of self esteem and standards.

Skiptonlass · 16/05/2016 14:45

oh op...

Late, hungover, chatty, ignores you completely on a first date, pushy, immature, too forward with social media, won't take no for an answer?

Bad news. Bad, bad news.

And the worst thing is he's charming otherwise. You know the mix of charming plus inconsiderate is one you should run a mile from, yes? Yet he's railroading you into another date. Look at the phrasing in his text. He's assuming you will say yes

Personally I'd reply without snark (which can be seen as flirting or a challenge) something like,

"No. I found your behaviour on the date inconsiderate. Please don't contact me again."

Whisky2014 · 16/05/2016 15:02

But the thing is...it sounds like she wants to go on a second date and I don't think it's up to us to write paragraphs and pages on why she shouldn't. We don't know the guy, OP obviously has a much better idea of him.
People are saying oh he's x, y and z OR it could just have been a bad date!

Seriously - what is wrong with going on a second date? She's not marrying the guy!
If it doesn't go well it's hardly the end of the world.

PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 15:41

I despair.

The problem with going on a 2nd date is that it gives the strong impression to the man that he can behave badly on a first date and the woman will come back for more.

(Try to see it from his perspective Whisky and not just your own.)

He knows he messed up and he knows he's chancing his arm to ask for another date. If she says yes, he's going to have all the power because he knows he behaved badly.

I think you are overlooking the basic facts. He wasn't late due to some unavoidable emergency; he was late because he was rat-arsed the night before. Fair enough. He's 26. This is typical of some men his age. He then made the OP feel uncomfortable by joining a group of friends and more or less ignoring her.

He's now got the audacity to ask for a 2nd date and be charm personified.

Whisky2014 · 16/05/2016 15:44

Ok but what would he do if he did like her and did want to see her again? He'd ask her on a date!
She can't ask him cause then that will look desperate but it's just obvious that if he did like her he would ask her on another date. Isn't it?

Surely if he didn't care he wouldn't ask her if she got home ok, or if she wanted to go for dinner.
The OP said herself a mutual friend told her he is a "good 'un" so for this instance I would give the benefit of the doubt. I am sure the OP can trust the mutual friend?

PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 15:53

Maybe he gets off on treating women mean and keeping them keen- heard of that before?

Maybe he's a narc who wants the ego trip of asking her out again, and her saying ok, even though he is fully aware he's behaved like a dick.

Maybe you have overlooked the fact that the OP has issues with boundaries, has had a previous EA relationship, admits her radar is skewed, yet you are actively encouraging her to see a man who didn't just make one mistake on the first date but several.

Of course it's up to her. But she did ask on a forum. And she doesn't know him; she's had a bit of banter over a drink when he was already hung over.

Look at what men do- not say after the event when they want something and will say anything to get it.

WellErrr · 16/05/2016 15:54

Go on the second date.

And ignore the majority of the borderline hysterical over-analysing on this thread.