Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 10 11 12

Original poster

To ask if you think this is poor first date etiquette or not?

280 replies

Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 01:01

I went on a first date earlier. For starters he was half an hour late which I thought was pretty terrible, I was loitering around the meeting spot feeling like a bit of an idiot and towards the end was extremely tempted to tell him where to stick it... However he more than made up for it during the date. He was warm, kind, funny, charasmatic etc. We were having a fab time... Until his friends turn up at the bar. Instead of a simple hello and introduction which is what I expected, he invited them to sit with us! There was zero effort to include me in the conversation either, it was pretty much as though I weren't there discussing things between themselves about their shared nights out and such. I made my excuses up after maybe ten or fifteen minutes and left. He walked me to the bar entrance, hugged and asked if we could go for dinner next weekend. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to actually and felt it had all been rather rude.

I asked my friend for advice and she said she'd have felt flattered he wanted to introduce her to his friends. I didn't see it like that at all but then I am quite the introvert so not sure whether that has a bearing on things! AIBU to find it rude or is it just me being awkward?

OP posts:

Baconyum · 17/05/2016 18:43

I don't think those of us that said they'd not have given him a 2nd date have too high standards, more a case of more life experience.

When someone shows you who they are (take note) but also it rarely changes!

Faithnotfear · 17/05/2016 18:57

Sounds like a player. If he's like that on your first date chances are he will only get worse. I'd listen to the alarm bells and cut your losses.

Bogeyface · 17/05/2016 19:21

A lot of the respondents on here expect too much perfection on a first date.

I fail to see how expecting your date to be on time, unless there is a very good reason and hangover is not a good reason, being the focus of the dates attention and being treated with respect is asking for perfection.

As I said above, I am amazed at how many PPs would accept such shoddy treatment! When I said women who do that must be desperate, I was referring to those who where trying to excuse his behaviour, not the OP who has made it clear that she thinks it was rude and I agree with her.

At least she will be going into the next date with her eyes open but I cant help feeling that he is hooking her in and the shitty treatment will gradually start again once she is well and truly into him.

Bogeyface · 17/05/2016 19:23

And as has been mentioned several times, the first date is when you present yourself at your absolute best isnt it? If this is his "best" then I dread to think what his worst is!

piggypoo · 17/05/2016 19:26

He sounds really rude! I'd not see him again, half an hour late? I'd have waited 10 minutes and then gone home! I've never had rent-a-crowd turn up at a date either! :)

ProphetOfDoom · 17/05/2016 19:35

You're looking at this analytically and your mum has your back. Go on date 2 - but it might just be you are at different evolutionary levels & he's never going to be a long-term prospect.

Be interesting to see - if you get past date 2 - how another evening goes when he's in company with friends. Charm is, well, charming but is just gloss. Judge him by his actions and by the company he keeps.

KittensandKnitting · 17/05/2016 19:49

I think he sounds all right and deserves a second chance.

He was late but it happens, he kept the OP in the loop, apologised and apologised again

They had a lovely few hours together and enjoyed each other's companies

His mates happened to arrive at the bar, he invited them to join them with the hamster cage (this has me in hysterics) yes they should have tried to include the OP more, yes they should have buggered off when they realised he was on a first date.

But maybe they didn't think it was a first date, maybe they are just go with the flow people... I actually think the positive here is that he was wanting the OP to meet his friends.

A mutual friend has said he is a good un, he text to make sure the OP got home safely, by 7ish this morning he had already contacted her, he apologised again for his lateness, took her stroppy/goady text on the chin (no offence meant OP herself described it as a bit stroppy or similar) and he apologised again and invited her for dinner and admitted a mistake. None of this crappy waiting three days rule he likes her he text her.

I'd say he sounds all right actually :) maybe something really horrible happened and he went and got drunk (who hasn't done this) surely it's worth a second date - I'm sure the OP will always wonder about him if she doesn't!

In the past when I was dating I went out on many first dates with men who pulled out all they stops on first or second dates and actually turned out to be the biggest arse holes... DP was late for our first and quite a bit late for the second date (and is always bloody late for everything still!) But he is the kindest, most relaxed and genuine man I've ever met and is the love of my life.

Please go on that second date OP and update :)

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 17/05/2016 19:50

While I wouldn't be impressed by the lateness or the friends showing up I think there is some major overreacting on this thread. A second date is just that, a second date! If he blows it then that's it, no harm done. Despite some of the dire warnings here Op is not going to find herself shackled to the guy for life just because she has dinner with him.

Op if you think it's worth another date then do it, you don't need other people deciding for you. It's dinner and not a commitment.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 17/05/2016 19:56

Were they his escape plan?

Bogeyface · 17/05/2016 19:59

Despite some of the dire warnings here Op is not going to find herself shackled to the guy for life just because she has dinner with him.

But is exactly how it happens! You give them another chance, fall for the charm and a few weeks in your a falling in love which makes the excuse making easier and the leaving so much harder. Ask the women on Relationships who found themselves shackled to men who treat them as an afterthought, how it started. 99% will say that they were charming and fun in the beginning, they always are!

I think its clear that those of us who have ended up with the loser are the ones posting the "dire" warnings, because we know just how easy it can be to fall into a bad relationship with charming twinkly eyed men.

Bogeyface · 17/05/2016 19:59

you're

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 17/05/2016 20:03

Yes bogeybut you get a picture of a person over time surely? Two dates isn't hugely different to one is my point and if the Op is someone who would fall madly in love that quickly then she'd be her own worst enemy!

They got on well, she'd like to see him again. I can't see the big deal in dinner that would warrant some of these responses.

Bogeyface · 17/05/2016 20:07

Presumably because you have never been sucked in by a man who you end up wishing that you have never met.

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 17/05/2016 20:07

Damn girl, raise your standards! This guy is a flake. He might be a charming, sexy flake but he's a flake and he's rude to boot.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 17/05/2016 20:09

This is a really interesting thread!

In my 20s I would definitely have put up with the sitting silently with friends.

the lateness would have annoyed me but I would have put up with that as well.

I think I was wrong, by the way.

I think the OP needs to find out a bit more about him IF she can without getting too emotionally involved. A lot depends on how she feels about laid back guys - he's clearly laid back, and kind of proud of having lots of friends and wild nights out. That may be a turn off or a turn on. Then the question is: is he laid back to the point of sloppy and rude? Or just laid back, but reasonably considerate?

The trouble is, if you give charming men too many chances, they've reeled you in before you're prepared to admit to yourself they're taking the piss.

Original poster

Toddzoid · 17/05/2016 20:12

It was a fun and lovely date as I said before. He was lovely and we got on very well for about four hours before the friends came along (with their hamster cage . Pretty certain they weren't an escape route given the fact he's initiated a second date, kept in contact regularly since, apologised profusely for ruining it etc. If he hated me and had text them to come save him I'm pretty certain we wouldn't be in touch right now!

He had some rough news the night before hence the impromptu night out but was still keen to meet with me so didn't want to cancel despite hangover and such.

It is just a date, it's not like I'm marrying the guy . This is his last chance and if it all goes Pete Tong I definitely wouldn't see him again. I think he knows that.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 17/05/2016 20:14

No he was rude, not only was he late because he had a hangover, but he let 2 friends join your date, and ignored you, don't see him again. If he's like this on the first date, I dread to think what he will be like as a partner.

Original poster

Toddzoid · 17/05/2016 20:15

And yes he is very laid back which is something I find fairly attractive, to a point. Mostly because the EA ex was very full on, pushy, intense, strong willed etc so I'm pretty much looking for the opposite of that right now which is laid back, relaxed, KIND! All of which he seems but we'll see.

OP posts:

bimbobaggins · 17/05/2016 20:17

Id be more annoyed by the lateness than the friends turning up

Newbrummie · 17/05/2016 20:24

You do not sitting waiting for half an hour without an extremely apologetic text with an ETA just for future reference. In ye olden days he would have been out of luck because after 10 mins you left.

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 17/05/2016 20:40

Good luck then! Be on your guard

KittensandKnitting · 17/05/2016 20:43

Well if I had given up on DP for being an hour late on our first date I would definetly be missing out!

He is a wonderful man, who is kind, fun to be around, incredibly respectful of me, supportive, works incredibly hard and has raised two wonderful children on his own.

He is however bloody awful at time keeping, but everyone has their faults and will take him being late occasionally because his positives far out weigh his time keeping issues.

This chap made a mistake and he hasn't been backwards in coming forward in admitting this, shit happens, mistakes happen it's how people deal with it afterwards and he's appologsied - good for you OP for giving him another shot, you don't have to marry the man just because you watch a movie and have a bit of dinner :) but you might just find he's a really nice bloke, or he might act like an arse and you walk away

Definetly worth a second go :)

Louisee82 · 17/05/2016 20:52

Give him a second chance but any funny business then give him the boot. It does sounds like he's asked them to come in case it was awkward, then perhaps it was going well and he didn't feel like he didn't have any choice but to ask them to sit down. Perhaps he was being polite and didn't really expect them to join you! Was it a blind date?

PterodactylToenails · 17/05/2016 21:00

Give him another chance. I don't think the friends joining you is too big a deal really, you said you left after only 10 minutes of them joining you and with a big fat hamster cage with them I doubt they were going to make a night of it.

TwentyCupsOfTea · 17/05/2016 21:10

Arghh what a nightmare.
Thing is I can well imagine being in a pub, on an early (or even first!) date with my dP and bumping into mine or his friends! We know lots of people in lots of pubs and in our circles it would be bizarre to not all sit and mingle!!

However! We knew this was the case so early dates were at less frequented or local pubs, restaurants or parks to avoid that situation whilst we got to know each other! If he had apologised 'sorry about this becoming a group activity! Can we have dinner at the weekend - just me and you this time - promise!' Or similar, I would see him again.

The lateness would irritate me more, but if you like him give it another go.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 10 11 12