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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you respond?

252 replies

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 12/05/2016 12:23

Pink - my sister
green - sisters OH
Purple - my child minder

The end of the text says " so he feels like part of the family xx love you xx "

How in the bleeding hell do I respond to this without another argument starting? Sad

part 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2632927-Should-I-just-swallow-my-pride

part 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2633818-I-tried-too-swallow-my-pride

How would you respond?
OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/05/2016 03:42

Haaaah. My now ex-SIL tried this one as well. My mum told me that she would "decide on the day" whether or not she was coming - so I told my Mum to pass it back that that simply wasn't an option, as I wasn't wasting a meal on a "maybe". She didn't come

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/05/2016 03:43

Oh and I would have told her myself but my bro and her wouldn't speak to me at all, so no point.

FasterThanASnakeAndAMongoose · 15/05/2016 08:47

Oh. My. Days.

You've been incredibly restrained - well done OP!

I'd probably go with bright and breezy too. Something like 'OK, up to you. It'll be far too late to let us know on the day though. If I don't hear from you by x date then I'll assume that you're not coming and cancel the childminder for school pickup.

The only thing that would stop me massively kicking off and telling them to get to fuck would be worry for dsis and not wanting to isolate her from the family and push her more into his control. What a twat.

OTheHugeManatee · 15/05/2016 10:26

Text back 'this is getting too complicated, can you give me a call to discuss or let me know a good time to call you'.

Then when you have her on the phone (or he can't be texting pretending to be her' get her to reply in yes or no answers whether he is listening in or not. If he is (he will be) tell her this is getting ridiculous, you won't have a controlling boyfriend driving a wedge between you and can you meet up and talk. Make sure you are meeting just the two of you. Then find out from her what on earth is actually going on.

She may be taken in by his madness, she may be stuck in the middle. Only you can decide what you can tolerate. But the longer you continue playing this text game the more likely it is that he'll succeed in angering you enough to isolate her.

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 15/05/2016 10:38

She now isn't attending either apparently. I had the misfortune of a phone call from HIM. Everything said was so scripted and definitley not anything my sister said. I could not hear her in the background , so whether she knew the call was taking place I don't know. I let my mum know and she's going to speak to them BOTH as she is visiting today. Don't even think Jeremy Kyle could save my sisters partner - although he would have a field day with this.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 15/05/2016 10:51

You really, really need to speak to her alone.

OTheHugeManatee · 15/05/2016 10:52

All this faffing with intermediaries - him, your mum, text messages, whoever - just escalates the potential for drama.

RaeSkywalker · 15/05/2016 10:59

I wouldn't give it any more thought or energy. They've made their decision, I expect that the expectation is that this will cause you to agree to their demands out of desperation. Do not rise to it, do not negotiate. They are not coming- tell the venue to cater for less people.

GinIsIn · 15/05/2016 11:03

I would be willing to bet he wants to sit outside so he can try and muscle in on the photos after.

Just a thought - if he wants a role, can you hire something from inconveniently far away for the party and assign him the role of having to go collect it on the day?!

mw63 · 15/05/2016 11:12

Oh Kung what a horrible situation to be put in so close to your big day given it has been planned for so long. I feel sorry for your sister but she is an adult, responsible for her own choices and should not allow them to mar your special day. I think you have handled yourself far better than I would. Personally I would go with Acrosstheponds suggestion adding something along the lines that you would love to talk (not text), perhaps we could both meet for a coffee/lunch. Tell her that you love her and really hope she can make it.
I do hope nothing happens at your wedding as their is an underlying threat in their last text.
Wishing you well on 'your' special day

fuzzywuzzy · 15/05/2016 11:13

Kungfu, would you consider just letting things lie then?

Tell your mum not to get involved it's a joint decision between your sister and her partner, they don't want to attend, they're welcome to but they don't want to. So you can cancel the childminder and respect their decision.

I'd do that, don't get angry so door is open for your sister to come to you when she has left the boyfriend. But equally don't let the boyfriend make your wedding about him, which is what he's attempting.

AugustaFinkNottle · 15/05/2016 11:16

You should tell them that you have reached the point where you really don't care whether your sister comes or not because her partner is making her behave in such a twatty way. Otherwise he'll think that he's hurt you and therefore done something clever by keeping her away from the wedding.

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 15/05/2016 11:28

No my mums not gonna start a fight more a " oh you could of at least rang your sister to say you weren't attending any of it instead of *" and gaige her reaction. As I said we don't know if she knows he made that phone call. I don't really want to speak to him after what he said he's lucky it wasn't face to face because I more than likely would of kicked him in the shins repeatedly!

OP posts:
mw63 · 15/05/2016 11:30

x posted there, didn't see you had a call from HIM

SlimCheesy · 15/05/2016 11:35

He wants a reaction. Just shrug and say 'up to you'. And let them/he be. People like this loathe being ignored more than anything.

twirlypoo · 15/05/2016 11:41

Reply breezily, Ahh that's a real shame you have made that decision X - let my sister know if she changes her mind she is always welcome :)

Then don't engage - he sounds horrific. Is your sister actually okay?

ShootingStar75 · 15/05/2016 11:45

He rang you?! What an absolute cock! I'm guessing by what you've said the conversation from his side wasn't nice (I can't say I'm surprised unfortunately), did he try and use the excuse that it was his lack of role in the wedding that meant they both couldn't come?

As hard as it is I think to stop it ruining your day you'll have to accept it is what it is with regards to your sister not attending and make the most of sharing your day with everyone else. I can't fathom what sort of twat tries to impinge on someone else's day the way he has yours, he's literally done it to get a rise and gotten pissed off when you haven't.

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 15/05/2016 11:57

It was like he wrote a speech and read it straight from the paper.
Keeping it short his points were

  • I'm cruel to my sister
  • I clearly don't care because I haven't done anything she's asked
  • if I loved my sister id do as she says Hmm
  • this could all end of he could come to the ceremony and have a role in the ceremony and they both join at the head table
And if we continue not including him in plans on a general whole my sister won't be part of our lives.

As you can tell he's a real Ray of sunshine! My mum should be round there now so won't be long til I find out what's happened.

OP posts:
Ilovenannyplum · 15/05/2016 12:00

Christ, what a prick.
I'm sorry he's put you in such a shitty position OP

glowfrog · 15/05/2016 12:02

What a dreadful situation for you, OP, and your sister. He's using the wedding to isolate her from her family. You said they'd only been together 11 months and have a newborn - I bet he got her pregnant to control her as well.

Good luck dealing with all that - it's not the outcome you wanted but I hope at least you get the wedding day you want.

ShootingStar75 · 15/05/2016 12:03

So despite the fact you explained to him umpteen times that none of the siblings partners where invited, despite the fact there are only parents at the top table, despite the fact the only roles in your wedding are of bride or groom he expected you to make an exception for him and change it all on his say so?!
What an absolute narcissic prick! I don't think I could have bitten my tongue so if you got through that phone call without telling him to fuck off or give his head a bang you are a much better person then me.
I feel so sorry for you, I got married earlier this year and as laid back as I was it was stressful arranging it without this added drama on top.
I only hope your sister wasn't aware of the phone call and that your mum asking gives her the strength to stand up for herself although I do think she'll probably struggle/has struggled to do so already.

SideOrderofChip · 15/05/2016 12:05

What a prick!

MidniteScribbler · 15/05/2016 12:21

Why on earth should the partner of a sister of the bride have a 'role' in a wedding. His only 'role' is to show up, look after their children and smile politely.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/05/2016 12:31

None of this surprises me. It was never about him attending the wedding. It was about isolating your sister.

Nothing you could have offered to accommodate him would have satisfied him. It was never about that.

Your poor sister. At this point all you can do is let her know you'll always. be there when she needs you.

jacks11 · 15/05/2016 12:37

I'm not sure you can prevent an argument- they (or perhaps he?) is determined to get their (or his) way. You just need to be firm about what you want and let them get on with it. You are not being unreasonable. I too think that he may wait outside the ceremony in an attempt to get in by default, but I'm not sure you can stop him waiting where he wants to.

You need to be very clear with them that he is not invited and that he cannot have a role and cannot sit at the top table. And stick to your guns, or you will be setting a precedent.

I would text back " I'm really looking forward to seeing you at my wedding ceremony. To be clear, your DP is not invited to the ceremony and this is not negotiable. Where he waits during that ceremony is up to him. The childminder can pick up your DC's from school and bring them as previously arranged. If you want her to look after your DC's at the party, then her number is xxx and I suggest you arrange that between the two of you. Regarding your DP having a role in the wedding, that isn't possible. The top table will just be me and DH and our parents- understandably that means your DP cannot be at the top table. Love, Kungfu"

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