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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you respond?

252 replies

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 12/05/2016 12:23

Pink - my sister
green - sisters OH
Purple - my child minder

The end of the text says " so he feels like part of the family xx love you xx "

How in the bleeding hell do I respond to this without another argument starting? Sad

part 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2632927-Should-I-just-swallow-my-pride

part 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2633818-I-tried-too-swallow-my-pride

How would you respond?
OP posts:
Lovewineandchocs · 12/05/2016 13:11

Hi Sis

Re your DP waiting outside, that's fine, also yes you guys and DPs family are all very welcome at the party. I had spoken to [childminder] about picking up DCs and bringing them to the ceremony to meet us all, get photos taken etc. Hadn't thought of her coming to childmind at the party, however if you want to try and arrange that with her, here is her number. Unfortunately there really isn't a role for your DP in the wedding and the top table is just going to be me, DP and parents. Looking forward to seeing you on the day and excited about the party x

smokeybandit · 12/05/2016 13:12

Have I read it wrong, if everyone's going to be at the reception why on earth would a childminder need to be there for your sister? Can't she watch her own children or arrange for her own childminder.

CodyKing · 12/05/2016 13:13

Scrub that - put it back in his court

What roll would he like?

Then say ofcoarse he can be in the top table with Me and DP parents!!

We'll put you next to all the girls friends - and slimey Sam - remember him LOL!! you'll have a blast away from green highlight man! Xxx

BuunyChops · 12/05/2016 13:13

You do realise that he won't just sit outside, he will try to get into the main room. . .

You do know that, don't you?

Bogeyface · 12/05/2016 13:15

I lurked on your last two threads but I am getting so annoyed, it's like they're trying to piss you off!

This.

I suspect that that is exactly what the prick is trying to do. He is controlling towards her and probably absolutely hates that she has a relationship with anyone but him. How better to solve that than engineer a blazing row with you over this, where your parents and siblings back you up, and then he can persuade her to cut you all off as you obviously dont care about her or her family?

Stick to your guns, but do keep the lines of communication open with your DSis for when she (hopefully) sees the light and wants rid of this tosser, she will need you then as he wont go quietly.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 12/05/2016 13:16

Ask him if he'd kindly serve the drinks.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/05/2016 13:17

Wait what? He wants to sit at the top table even though it's only bride, groom and parents? No other siblings & partners?

IMHO he's making unreasonable demands to find a 'reason' to make your sister 'pick him' and go NC with her family.

What a manipulative bastard

ChaseAvenal · 12/05/2016 13:18

Oh in that case it is very weird her asking about the childminder and I like the idea of getting the childminder to say no when she asks.

If your top table is just the two of you and parents then that's great, it doesn't give any leeway for him. We're doing the same at our wedding as it seems so much more suitable when siblings, bridesmaids, groomsmen all have partners and/or kids.

It seems like you'll be able to say no to the things you want to say no to out of practicality, so if they object they're obviously being ridiculous.

TransvisionTramp · 12/05/2016 13:21

Bloody hell, is this still going on? Kungfu I really feel for you.
I'd be tempted to reply to them standing your ground, telling him there's no roll role for him, no he will not be on the family table and saying that this is your final answer, so please stop it with the requests.
You don't have to give reasons, it's your day not theirs.
God he's just AWFUL isn't he?

squizita · 12/05/2016 13:22

I'm a bit shocked at people who think she's the sneaky one but maybe that's down to having a stalky, controlling ex.

So I can see exactly what this is.

Either 'poor me, you're abandoning me bad wife' tears or bullying on his part. She's so eager to please she's lost all common sense.

Very sad.

ChaseAvenal · 12/05/2016 13:23

And agree with other posters that he is trying to alienate or completely cut off your sister from her family. If so then you'll know by how they react to your response.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 12/05/2016 13:23

My god, this man has no shame or self-awareness. How many of us would demand a role at the wedding of our partner's sister's wedding?? Hmm

Chippednailvarnishing · 12/05/2016 13:23

Give him his own table...

How would you respond?
ZippyNeedsFeeding · 12/05/2016 13:25

Tell her he can be the Usher In Charge Of Fucking Right Off.

He is just trying to manipulate you, to prove that nobody gets the better of him.

Arfarfanarf · 12/05/2016 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 12/05/2016 13:26

To be fair the only seating arrangement is the top table , the rest is a free for all. Sit where you please kind of thing. That's how I'm seeing it he's testing his boundaries what I will and won't agree too. I have thought if I agree to him hanging around the ceremony he might try barging in causing a scene. But I always think worst case scenario. To be honest I don't know whether the venue would allow a straggler hanging around could violate a code or something Confused

OP posts:
ChaseAvenal · 12/05/2016 13:26

Why does he even want a role Under? That's what I find most disturbing. It smacks of someone not only controlling OP's sister but wanting control over everyone and everything. Very concerning.

2016Hopeful · 12/05/2016 13:28

But your sister isn't even meant to be on the top table - does he want to sit between the bride and groom!!! Maybe he can hand out the programs into the ceremony as he is sitting outside anyway!

RaeSkywalker · 12/05/2016 13:33

Kungfu my cousin got married in a very small venue. No room for cousins at all. We're a close family so this was a bit of a shock initially but we all just got on with it and said we'd see them at the reception venue. There were not hard feelings at all.

However, 2 of my 6 cousins decided to go and wait 'outside' to see her in her dress. The very nice Registrar asked why they were standing outside and they explained the seating restrictions- the Registrar then invited them in to stand at the back as it would be "a shame" for them to miss it! So she had 2 of us there.

Just bear in mind that someone well-intentioned may invite him in if he's hanging about...

LagunaBubbles · 12/05/2016 13:33

Hes upping the ante now by the looks of it!

Nabootique · 12/05/2016 13:34

He probably doesn't really expect to sit at your table, it's just giving him room to barter to get what he actually wants: "Oh, I can't sit at the table? Okay, I can just come to the wedding then, yes?".

If he does come to sit outside it won't happen. It'll suddenly be "Oh, well, I'm here now. Now where is an extra chair?" and you'll give in to avoid a scene, understandably.

magicstar1 · 12/05/2016 13:34

He's a controlling prick. Did you see my post on your last thread? He's exactly like my friend's ex who even followed them to the park where the photos were taken and caused a huge row in the carpark. Don't pander to him!

HereIAm20 · 12/05/2016 13:34

His role can be to direct the traffic on the M6

rwilkinson84 · 12/05/2016 13:34

Wow this is getting ridiculous! He's trying to see just how much he can get away with…and he'll push this even further on the day when he things you won't tell him to go.

I'd go back to her and say that what you've originally said stands and if your DSis wants the childminder in the evening then she can phone and organise that and pay for that herself.

Really concerning relationship going on there Confused

IronDuchess · 12/05/2016 13:37

Please do not let him 'sit outside', I guarantee he will try to get into the room one way or another, it's a ploy for you to allow him at the venue and then he'll make his move. I bet the baby will need his/her Mum or he'll try to sneak in once the ceremony had started. Please say no!