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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How would you respond?

252 replies

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 12/05/2016 12:23

Pink - my sister
green - sisters OH
Purple - my child minder

The end of the text says " so he feels like part of the family xx love you xx "

How in the bleeding hell do I respond to this without another argument starting? Sad

part 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2632927-Should-I-just-swallow-my-pride

part 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2633818-I-tried-too-swallow-my-pride

How would you respond?
OP posts:
jacks11 · 15/05/2016 18:24

Glad it has worked out, sort of. Or at least, I'm glad that not only is your sister coming to your wedding, she has also (hopefully) had her eyes opened with regards her controlling partner. I'm glad your mum is staying with her tonight.

I hope things all work out for both you and your sister.

TornUpPaper · 15/05/2016 18:33

What a prick. Good on your Mum, and hopefully it won't just be one night he's banished.

44PumpLane · 15/05/2016 19:05

Just caught up on all 3 threads- so pleased that you have s bit of good news! Is there any way you can pop round to see her and give her a massive hug, tell her how much you love her and are always there for her "just in case" he starts to ear worm at her?
I know she's sent him away overnight but with such s young baby you can bet she'll have him back and he sounds the type to continue to be a prick so some hugs and love now could go a long way to cementing her family love in her head. Xx

VioletSunshine · 15/05/2016 19:38

My sister apologised for his behaviour and assured me she is still attending all parts of the wedding and not to worry

Just read your three threads and literally breathed a sigh of relief at this post. He's definitely trying to at least drive a wedge between you and your sis. And he'll probably start on your mum and sis at some point too. My exP tried the same to me and to his exP and her family, and this guy sounds very similar. Just keep reiterating to your sister that you are always there for her and do want to spend time with her etc. And under no circumstances (as tempting as it would be) say anything that could be construed by her or MrControlling as you badmouthing him. Would not be at all surprised if he's said at least once to her that he thinks you don't like him as part of trying to alienate her from you, and anything remotely negative would be taken as confirmation :(

You've handled this really well! My sis was agonising over who to invite to the ceremony for her wedding due to it being a small venue, so that in itself is already a tough situation for you to have navigated. Incidentally, they had a "no kids at the ceremony" rule too, which makes sense tbh since ime wedding ceremonies can be really boring for kids even when they have a part in it...

Hope your big day goes off without a hitch (well, except the one that's supposed to happen anyway ;) )

glowfrog · 15/05/2016 20:28

That's great news, OP, and good on your sister. Wishing you and yours all the best.

Barmaid101 · 15/05/2016 20:41

Wow, I so hope you sister has seen the light now!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/05/2016 04:01

Good God, I'm horrified that he effectively stole your sister's phone and has created all this drama - so glad that your mother's intervention has brought this to light and has helped to sort things out!

I sincerely hope that your sister realises what a horrendous thing her other half tried to do to her, and to her family as well, and makes a good decision accordingly.

toastyarmadillo · 16/05/2016 05:15

Bloody hell what a cockwomble!

OTheHugeManatee · 16/05/2016 10:01

I suspect you haven't heard the last of this manipulative, controlling prick OP. He's been rumbled this time but if your sister is apologising for him she's not planning to leave the relationship. I think you can expect a lot more drama before she sees what he's really like Hmm

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 16/05/2016 12:12

Me and my sister are catching up later in the week so don't worry! My mum said she was strong last night and ignored all calls and texts. And my mum made it clear we are all there for her if she needs help with the children/bills or be there if she just wants to let of steam. And I'll be repeating that when we meet up. My mums still there and he hasn't showed up but isn't letting up with calls and texts she had to turn her phone off. My sister has told my mum she doesn't think she can carry the relationship on , but is scared to be a single mum to 3 children with 3 fathers. And doesn't believe anyone would want her being a 3x3 bless her.

OP posts:
TransvisionTramp · 16/05/2016 13:13

Woah, just caught up with all this. Your poor, poor sister. Really hopes she LTB.
Good luck with the wedding OP Flowers

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 16/05/2016 13:36

OMG this is crazy!! What a living nightmare.

Sending every strength to your DS - I hope she can leave this loser behind. Rather than worry about another relationship right now, lets hope she can focus on herself for a while.

I hope she is free from this horribly horrible waste of space now.

mnaab · 16/05/2016 13:52

Wow that is really controlling behaviour and quite serious. He needs help and she really needs to get out because it's only going to get worse!

mnaab · 16/05/2016 13:54

Does she know if he has a history of controlling/abusive behaviour?

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 16/05/2016 14:06

Does she know if he has a history of controlling/abusive behaviour?

Does it matter though - he's doing it now and that is what is important!

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 16/05/2016 14:36

Yay for DSis! I am Shock at her partners behaviour though - what a way for an adult to behave Shock

evelynj · 16/05/2016 14:55

Phew, hope she stays strong & doesn't give him an inch. Have a wonderful wedding :)

craftwhore · 19/05/2016 21:48

Dear op, I'm so happy to hear this latest news with your mum and sister. Hope she's been able to stay strong. So glad this stressful family situation seems to be moving in the right direction and you can enjoy your wedding without so much worry.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 19/05/2016 22:08

Wow, just caught up with this. What a surprise it was him texting. Not!

Hopefully this will give your sister the kick up the bum she needs to tell him to go to fuck for good. Given his controlling behaviour it won't be easy.

Barmaid101 · 19/05/2016 22:47

Excellent for your dsis. Hope your meet up goes/ went well! Glad she has seen the light

squizita · 20/05/2016 09:46

This is ridiculous. They want to cause a drama on your wedding day. Pathetic.

I would also be tempted to tell them not to bother.

Anyone else finding it frustrating the number of 'they' and 'she' blaming posts? Come on this is basic common sense from the start - the husband is dominating the situation! Angry

squizita · 20/05/2016 09:55

The first initial text my sister knew was meant to be sent but more of " I know I'm being cheeky but is there any way you could fit xxxx in? If not no worries " kind of text and he ignored that and added what he wanted. She's sent him to his mums for the night , and my mum is staying with her and hopefully talk sense into her how he is controlling and was trying to isolate her. My sister apologised for his behaviour and assured me she is still attending all parts of the wedding and not to worry

OMG if I was your mum I'd clear the spare room and take the sis and kids out of there! He's NUTS. Real risk of abuse if you ask me.

MTPurse · 20/05/2016 10:06

Hi Op, I have just read all your threads. Just an idea but do you have an Uncle, friend or relative who could stand outside the venue? As he knows the date and time is there any chance he would turn up and cause drama for you after he has been caught out with all his lies? He sounds very controlling and he may use your actual wedding day to try and cause a scene with either causing trouble for you or your sister?

craftwhore · 20/05/2016 10:49

YES squizita, completely

NameChangeMum456 · 20/05/2016 11:11

My initial instincts based on experience of a controlling, abusive man.

He's using the wedding as a way to make you look unreasonable to your sister to isolate her. He doesn't care about the wedding, he's being deliberately difficult to provoke a response from you so he can say "see, your sister is entirely unreasonable, we're not going and we're not speaking to her anymore". Thus he will have cut off family who will have been able to point out his behaviour and offer her support.

Might be entirely wrong, but it seems familiar to the behaviour of my ex, who used family illness to isolate me further by encouraging me to cut off family members who didn't follow his idea of reasonable behaviour.