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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you respond?

252 replies

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 12/05/2016 12:23

Pink - my sister
green - sisters OH
Purple - my child minder

The end of the text says " so he feels like part of the family xx love you xx "

How in the bleeding hell do I respond to this without another argument starting? Sad

part 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2632927-Should-I-just-swallow-my-pride

part 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2633818-I-tried-too-swallow-my-pride

How would you respond?
OP posts:
ChaseAvenal · 12/05/2016 14:47

Perfect reply. Covers all bases yet comes across as incredibly polite.

UptownFunk00 · 12/05/2016 14:47

I feel sorry for your sister, she does sound very controlled and just wants her partner to be involved.

Said partner sounds like a controlling, manipulative arsewipe.

EarthboundMisfit · 12/05/2016 14:49

Gobsmacked. So cheeky.

SoEverybodyDance · 12/05/2016 14:50

MargaretCavendish Exactly WTF! It was crazy, but he'd literally had a few shags with this girl and got her pregnant so I think he was ultra concerned about doing 'the right thing'. I mean when he came round to tell us he was getting married I had to lift my jaw off the floor and resist the temptation to ask "Who to?" Sad really, because it didn't result in a happy partnership...

LadyAntonella · 12/05/2016 14:51

souper that is exactly what I was just thinking!!!

And yes dance I think that's quite weird that the groom asked you to come to his wedding but not to come to the church because you once had a one night stand... Unless there's more to it I guess.

LadyAntonella · 12/05/2016 14:52

Ah x post dance. That kind of makes sense. Shame it didn't end well for the couple.

bibliomania · 12/05/2016 14:54

I feel really sorry for your dsis now - I agree with a pp that he's probably pushing this to engineer a row and to be able to isolate your dsis. I think he is absolutely cold-bloodedly setting out to break down the relationship between you and her.

Don't reply to the text - it just means you're in a dialogue with him. Have you any way of talking to your dsis without him earwigging? Apols if I missed this - haven't read all three threads but I do remember something about him being at home all the time.

mummyto2monkeys · 12/05/2016 14:58

I honestly can't believe how self entitled they are behaving! I wonder if they would be happy to set your terms and conditions for attending their wedding.

Why does he want to wait outside? Does he think she might try to escape when he lets her out of prison for the wedding? I wonder if some reassurance that you won't let her escape or run away during the wedding would help?

I'm confused by this , my husband would happily take our children to the park and then meet us at the party venue. Knowing him he would actually prefer this. He would drop me off first, with a kiss and tell me to have a lovely time. But then he never was the jealous type, I would go out with my friends whilst he was offshore and he would call/ message me if he was on nightshift and ask if I had a good time. He would even give me his card and tell me to buy something nice to wear out.

As for wanting a role in the wedding, I think it is very clear that your sister is in a relationship with a first class narcissist.

www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-craig-malkin/narcissists_b_3331293.html

www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/personal-stories-narcissistic-spouse/385-how-do-i-know-if-my-husband-is-a-narcissist-behavioral-signs.html

This one is especially relevant

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201409/10-signs-youre-in-relationship-narcissist

mummyto2monkeys · 12/05/2016 15:00

Happy for you to set the terms.....

Liiinooo · 12/05/2016 15:01

This is AWFUL. I've followed this from the start and he is being a right PITA.

You are right to stick to your original plan. Maybe also tell them cannot keep moving the goalposts for her DP, it would be hurtful to all the other partners.

PatriciaHolm · 12/05/2016 15:03

I might be inclined to call the venue and ask if he calls, he can be told no waiting - you just know he's going to....

diddl · 12/05/2016 15:12

Must be very tempting to reply that X is making it all too much about him complicated so perhaps best if they all just come to the party afterwards.

TransvisionTramp · 12/05/2016 15:17

I might be inclined to call the venue and ask if he calls, he can be told no waiting - you just know he's going to....

This. Me too. Cover your arse OP

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 12/05/2016 15:27

I didn't think of calling the venue I'm gonna do that right now. The child minder wasn't best pleased with my sisters plan, it's covered now though she can't mind my sisters children because her and her husband are attending the reception GrinGrin

OP posts:
SurlyValentine · 12/05/2016 15:33

This bloke is a fucking nightmare! Seriously, he just doesn't know when to can it!

Not sure why he wanted your CM to mind their children while they're at your party, unless it's so he can engineer a massive row with your DSis without having to worry about where the kids are or what they're doing.

Definitely get your venue onside with a "no waiting outside ceremony rooms" rule, even if they have to make one up.

You're doing brilliantly kungfu, stay strong and keep going Flowers

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 12/05/2016 15:50

Well played with the CM! Stay strong you are amazing

Witchend · 12/05/2016 16:32

I think you need to give the venue the heads up, otherwise what happens if he calls the venue and announces that they're happy for him to wait there.

Could you offer his experience for the kitchen? I'm sure they'd appreciate a washer-upper and general dog's body. Grin

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 12/05/2016 16:57

Great text, kungfupanda. Really polite!

Just be mindful of the fact that he thinks he's got you over a barrel because you desperately want your sis at the wedding, and he's controlling your sis. He's trying to call the shots, on your wedding day. You've so far not caved into that bullying (it's practically blackmail ffs) - so keep it up, and stay strong.

Some of these controlling types cannot bear for their partner to go to anything without them - and it'll be this that's driving his behaviour. Don't take it personally.

OTheHugeManatee · 12/05/2016 17:05

My god but he really is a monumental prick Shock

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 12/05/2016 17:07

I contacted the venue and they most definitley will not be having anyone lingering in the halls if he wants to wait outside that is fine but unless he is an invited guest it's a no go. I also asked if somebody from the venue could invite him and they said No and not to worry.
I got a text back that simply said " I need too think about this I will text you back when I have thought it through."
Wonder what demands are next? I simply can't deal with it anymore it will almost be easier my sister not showing up so there isn't a massive row. But then he's won if she doesn't come Sad
Anyone up for babysitting for a few hours I'll pay in wine GrinWine

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 12/05/2016 17:21

Op just stop playing the game. You've made your wishes clear. Don't text your sister any more if he's using her phone to manipulate you. Speak to her directly or not at all. Stand your ground and do not engage. Seriously, people like him feed on the attention they get from behaving like this. Stop feeding him.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/05/2016 17:23

Think this through, bollocks! HE needs time to think up more unreasonable demands. It's not about him actually attending, it's about him continuing to make demands until (he hopes) you get pissed off enough to 'disinvite' your sister. That's what he's after! For you to initiate the 'break' between her and you.

RaeSkywalker · 12/05/2016 17:26

kungfu your text was lovely, there was nothing to object to. They're being unreasnoble. Accept that her (well actually his) actions are out of your control. You've behaved with class and extended a kind invitation, it's up to them what they do with it.

Do not let this cast a shadow over your day.

glueandstick · 12/05/2016 17:38

wouldn't it be much better if hit men were much cheaper. And more legal.

monkeywithacowface · 12/05/2016 17:40

It's quite frightening really the lengths this guy is going to. Sounds like whatever you do he's going to make the whole build up as stressful as possible all round. I don't think I would reply to anymore messages now