How would you respond?

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

Pink - my sister
green - sisters OH
Purple - my child minder

The end of the text says " so he feels like part of the family xx love you xx "

How in the bleeding hell do I respond to this without another argument starting?

part 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2632927-Should-I-just-swallow-my-pride

part 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2633818-I-tried-too-swallow-my-pride

Loving that last paragraph Arf! Would be read by an innocent as polite and considerate whilst being absolutely clear to ControllingArsyBoyfriend that he has lost this round.

How do I nicely put the no too sitting outside the ceremony then? it just seems everything I'm saying he's twisting it into its some how a personal dig at him. He's doing his because he knows how desperately I want her there so being a massive twat
I'll agree to his family at the party as that was the original idea.
I'll tell my sister to contact the child minder herself
He can't sit at the table because it's only me , DP and parents of us both.
And there isn't any rolls too fill

All parties should have a Piñata Kungfu

Nob head's role can be the Piñata.

Hi Sis,

Of cause Controlling BF & his family are still welcome at the party, and obviously he will be sat with you and the children! We'd hardly make him sit at a table on his own as much as we might want to ! Childminder is still OK to collect the girls and bring them to the party, you'll have to ask her about the rest.

I will ask the venue if there is somewhere suitable for Controlling BF to wait, but there's a cafe/ Costas/pub down the road where he (and baby?) would probably be more comfortable.

If Controlling BF is serious about wanting to help, then we still have to organise some party bags for the kids. If I send a list of their ages, do you think he could sort out some small toys & games, then he could hand them out with balloons before the meal. It would also be a good way for him to meet everyone & for them to see him as part of the family.

Love OP

Be strong, Kungfupanda! This man is crazy, and the only thing you can do is maintain your boundaries and be firm. This is your wedding.

I'm did LOL a bit at the thought of the top table being "Bride, Groom, B&G's Parents, Bride's Sister's boyfriend though How ridiculous. Does he think your sis will be sitting at the top table?

just skimmed all 3 threads

[WTAF face].

Kungfu I would simply say no, no, no.
Reiterate the invitation for DS/baby to the service and her P & his family to the party.

Repeat repeat repeat.

I'd also let him know you know its him sending the text (not sure it would be particularity helpful but i just couldn't resist doing that)

As I'm on a mighty short fuse. Just tell him to fuck off. Your wedding. Your rules. Your sister has bigger problems than your wedding- hopefully she'll see this. He sounds a massive cock.

And indeed you poor sister is in a living nightmare!

It isn't a personal dig. Just tell him to his face exactly what you think so nothing can be inferred from the coming and goings.

no to sitting outside.
no to sitting at top table.
yes to family coming.
no to roll. it's just sliced bread.

it just seems everything I'm saying he's twisting it into its some how a personal dig at him.
Remember it's not you it's him.
This is what he does.
Be wise - don't let him do this to YOU.

Your sister is making her own decisions as she is entitled to do.

Just as you are also entitled to make all your own decisions.
He will never be satisfied - even if you agree to "concessions" he will be pissed off and make a drama about it.

Sometimes you just have to accept that there is no fairytale ending . You and your DP have decided what you want and you are quite rightly going with that. I'm afraid it looks like there is no way for your sister to be at the wedding without him pulling her strings. He doesn't care about compromise, and every attempt to appease him just confirms that he has the right/power to manipulate all concerned.

This isn't something I'd usually suggest, but would a strong word from your DP help, do you think? Some species of wanker can only hear "no" from another man.

Even if you gave in to him, I can guarantee that he would find a way to ruin everything, to "teach you that nobody treats him like that". In fact, there are no guarantees that he won't do that anyway.

So, your sister will only come to your wedding if you pay for a childminder to watch her children, her OH can sit outside the venue while you get married (I'd probably be fine with that depending on the type of venue - it's a free country and all that), sit at the top table at the reception and also have a role so he feels part of the family? Sorry, she is being hugely unfair to you. It does sound like it is probably because her OH is coercing her into making these demands so I do feel for her too, but there is no way I would accommodate all or any of her requests. It's just weird that he so badly has to be included. It's the kind of thing you might ask if you had a 5yo child, not an adult partner. The top table thing I wouldn't mind either but asking you to pay for a childminder is taking the absolute piss.

I'd probably say something like

"Yes, the whole thing has been stressful for us all. We would love to see you there, but as everything has already been arranged we can't create a role for OH now. We would love your daughters to be there too, but, having just paid for a wedding, we can't afford to pay for their childminder for the whole day. It would be lovely to see you there, but I would hate to upset you and OH any further by making you feel as if you have to come under conditions you aren't happy with. So I would completely understand if you feel you can't make it."

I would worry if he was to interrupt the ceremony. If someone does when everyone is asked if there is a reason why the marriage cannot take place, not matter what even if someone does it for a joke, they will not continue until the claims have been fully investigated. I would be worrie about that. Think you should give the venue a quick call, explain what's going on and say he will be waiting outside, but could they insure nobody invites him into the room

Have you not asked him to come on honeymoon OP?

SO now you now for sure he is reading (deleting?) and sending texts from your sisters phone. I like Arf's message particularly the last para I still really think you need to get your sister on her own to see if she even knows what this twat is trying to do.

You need to text back saying "No."

If someone does when everyone is asked if there is a reason why the marriage cannot take place, not matter what even if someone does it for a joke, they will not continue until the claims have been fully investigated.

I wouldn't think that's a worry.

He's more likely to waltz in with the other guests and stand besides OP's sis territorially, inviting a challenge to leave, I'd have thought.

Goes to show how bad my baby brain is at the moment, thought he was generally asking for a roll at the wedding, I did think fuck it give the twat a cheese sandwich if its that much of a big deal...

In all seriousness I don't even know you and I cannot believe how selfish your sister and her partner are being, it's your wedding, do what you want!

I would say no he can't wait outside, you spoke to the venue and they said no people can just wait around outside. Give her babysitter details but tell babysitter to just say no. Tell her table is only for you DH and parents so no he can't. And no there isn't any roles, not that type of wedding. Maybe add at the end yes you are very upset and disappointed about it all too, just want to be able to enjoy YOUR wedding.

Sorry I know I have repeated what other people have said.

I'd also be tempted to say yes to everything, arrange for your sister to be collected very early on the morning of your wedding, then act all surprised when his car mysteriously won't start and he can't make it to the venue in time. Such a shame.

errrg this guy really is pushing it isnt he. If you give in on one of these seemingly small things I think you are doomed.

Just say;
sorry no space to wait outside the room, and the venue says is a fire saftey issue.

I can't speak for the childminder here is her number if you want to book and ask her about her fees (then give the childminder a heads up)

With top table just firmly say, no its parents only ( is your sister even sitting there?)

Is it the sort of venue that won't have a waiting area? Could you speak to the venue and explain the situation so if someone calls to see if there is a waiting area the venue can say no? I genuinely think you need to come up with some sort of excuse to stop him being at the venue otherwise he will ruin your day. I was in a relationship with someone who sounds so much like your sister's OH and believe me that type of person is so narcissistic that he will do anything to get what he wants. Luckily I got out of the relationship after about 6 months, I dread to think what my life would have been like if I'd stayed.

'There are no rolls for him to fill.....we are having a hot meal, but thank him for the offer.'

As for hanging around (no)
You paying for a childminder when they will be there anyway (no)

It's lovely that X wants to feel part of the family. Lets start meeting up more often after the wedding: it does rather feel as if we've lost touch over the last few months and it feels like we hardly know you, let alone X whom we've only met 3 times!

the problem with giving them/him/DS reasons or excuses is they will always argue back, or offer alternatives/fixes to get around the problems. It just invites more suggestions from them.

I think you have to be dead straight with them so there is no wiggle room at all. And then repeat.

NO!
"this is our wedding and I am making the decisions about it not your P"
No.
I do not want to do that.
etc

I'm so sorry that they are putting all this stress on you and your day OP. It's a fucking nightmare.

There won't be anywhere to sit outside the ceremony!
I had the same thing. My venue held 14 people and my mil invited her entire family (some of whom we'd never met) when I said she would have to uninvite them she asked if they could stand outside!?!
I know this is only One person but you need to be firm incase he brings his family to stand outside too.
Its nerve wracking enough as it is without having to worry about what you might meet when you get there.
just send a message with what you want to happen and say... this is the plan, I won't change it now.