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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you respond?

252 replies

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 12/05/2016 12:23

Pink - my sister
green - sisters OH
Purple - my child minder

The end of the text says " so he feels like part of the family xx love you xx "

How in the bleeding hell do I respond to this without another argument starting?

part 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2632927-Should-I-just-swallow-my-pride

part 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2633818-I-tried-too-swallow-my-pride

OP posts:

StrictlyMumDancing · 12/05/2016 14:09

You said your sister was involved in the wedding prep until recently? So she presumably knows the seating arrangements. I wouldn't get into an argument, I'd just treat it like a very strange request from someone who knows she's not on the 'family' table.

I'd be tempted to reply something like:
If OH promises he will stay outside, I will check with the venue they are ok with that. Its still fine for baby to come in with you. Not really sure why you're asking for him to sit away from you at the reception though? If you want to ask childminder then I'll happily give you the details so you can arrange it with her, but if she's ok with it then you'll have to pay her.

FWIW where I got married they weren't ok with stragglers, because there was always a wedding afterwards they needed the areas for

anotherdayanothersquabble · 12/05/2016 14:09

You get the 'patience of a saint' award of the day!! Good luck!!!

Waiting outside: why don't you say that you have asked the venue and are waiting for a response. Then in a few days, say they have referred you to their website / terms of booking and highlighted the maximum number of occupants in the room and quoted fire regulations..

As for a role.... mmm. Oh, yes please, it would be great if he could put ribbons on the back of all the chairs in the venue...

Table: we only have 4 places at the top table but have allocated a 'best table, with bigger flowers, close to us, to you and your family. It will have pink ribbons on all of the chairs instead of lilac.

I hope for your sake he is the kind of prat who likes to push boundaries, make people uncomfortable, cause anxieties but in the end will not seem to be doing anything wrong in the face of others. (I had a landlord, next door neighbour like this once, complete psycho but always tried to appear reasonable in front of others so it looked like I was the nutter)

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/05/2016 14:10

Oooh. Poke the bear.

"Sis, I'm a bit concerned about Controllo's mental health; it is really very unusual for the partner of a sibling to be quite so insistent that they are involved in the logistics of a wedding, especially when it's a very simple wedding and no-one really has any role anyway. Did he have parents who neglected him - would that explain such a desperate need to be noticed and included, even when it's really not appropriate? Honestly I'm concerned for him; he sounds quite ill. If he needs to talk to someone then maybe we can ask around for a good counsellor xxx"

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/05/2016 14:11

I've read all three threads too and I am utterly gobsmacked that it's still going...

I'd just respond as others have suggested with something along the lines of the previous thread - DSis boyfriend is invited to the party after the wedding ceremony, kids will be at school when the ceremony will be taking place but they too are invited to the party afterwards and DSis is invited to the whole thing. Anything else is coming across as pushy and obnoxious at this point and would be verging on the entire invitation being completely removed from everyone, no matter how upset they claim to be about it.

Best of luck to you on this.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/05/2016 14:12

How do I nicely put the no too sitting outside the ceremony then? it just seems everything I'm saying he's twisting it into its some how a personal dig at him.

First, I'd call the venue and ask what their 'policy' would be. Is there an anteroom that he'd be waiting in or would he be standing outside on a porch or lawn? It may be that they have a 'no waiting' policy in place otherwise you could end up with 10 people in the room and 30 people 'waiting outside'. Hopefully there will be a policy you can quote. If not, perhaps the venue could 'create' a policy (i.e. no waiting in the anteroom/hall) to help you out if you feel comfortable discussing it with them. Obvs you probably can't stop him from standing out on the pavement or a 'public' area of the venue (garden, lobby, etc).

I do think that there is a great chance that he will either simply follow your sis into the room or create a scene if he is not allowed in. AND even if you say 'no' he'll probably show up anyway. Especially if his intention is to create a rift in your family.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 12/05/2016 14:12

You need a song in your head for the day...
It's my day and no nutter is going to ruin it for me.
Can you get one of DH's siblings on side who can be his chaperone / your body guard at the reception? If he comes within speaking distance, DH sibling can lead you it him away??

Furiosa · 12/05/2016 14:13

Kungfu

I wouldn't respond. Pretend you didn't get the message and simply text back what the plan is. What the plan had always been.

Don't get drawn into this man's game. Ignore him and any attempt he makes to muscle in. He's already going to be the spectre at the feast so might as well treat him like he's invisible now.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/05/2016 14:14

I meant to add, don't get involved with the childminder and what they may or may not be able to do on the day. I wouldn't even give them the childminders number just in case it all backfires.

LemonBreeland · 12/05/2016 14:17

He just gets worse! I feel for your poor sister.

SlimCheesy · 12/05/2016 14:23

You could reply;

'Of course OH can have a role. His role is to not make our day all about him. When can he start?'

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/05/2016 14:24

He wants a role, does he? and he wants to wait outside? Too easy! he can be the car park attendant.

No, honestly, just say there are no roles as it's only a small wedding and there is no "family table" apart from you, your OH and both sets of parents - he doesn't count as any of those people, so he'll be sitting with your sister elsewhere in the room, just like all the other siblings and their partners/children.

Cheek trying to muscle in on your childminder though - whatever for? If he is waiting outside, then surely he can mind your niece himself?!

Original poster

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 12/05/2016 14:24

I've sent

Hi XXX & XXXX
Sorry took so long in responding. I called the venue and there is strict policy on no "hanging around" as they put it as it violates a few of there health and safety codes. Heres XXXXs number ........ Have a call and see what she says. On the table it's only me X mum and dad, X and X. But there's enough tables and there is no seating plan so feel free to sit where you wish! And that's lovely of Xxxx to offer to be of help but everything is covered. So sweet of him to offer though thank him for me please. Oh and of course XXXXs family are more than welcome at the party that was the plan all along. Send the girls my love xx

Let's see how long it takes to respond , took two days for this text to come through. It's like he's purposley trying to stress me out

OP posts:

t4gnut · 12/05/2016 14:26

Why is he so desperate to be so involved in this event. Surely he must understand its not about him?

SlimCheesy · 12/05/2016 14:28

God, you are nice, OP.

Rachel0Greep · 12/05/2016 14:28

After that just ignore, ignore, ignore any further crap.

SlimCheesy · 12/05/2016 14:28

See, no-one can possibly take offence at your message. Bet he somehow manages it though.

SoEverybodyDance · 12/05/2016 14:30

I do feel sorry for you OP, and your sister. This would take all of my skills to try to manage it to get what I wanted without him using it later on as an excuse to drive a wedge between me and my DS. Can you talk to her on the phone so that he isn't manipulating the messages?

I don't think sitting outside the room is a good idea. He might barge in, or be let in by some kind person who doesn't know better, and if he is waiting outside you might feel tense about what might happen after the ceremony during that special moment that is utterly yours.

There is also potential for embarrassment if someone says the wrong thing afterwards. It happened to me eons ago at the wedding of a friend. One night I got off with a good friend of mine - it was a delicious night and there were no complications afterwards, ever, we went straight back to being friends. Fast forward three years, I was in a long term relationship with a mutual friend and he was getting married to a woman he'd recently met who'd got pregnant straight away. He asked my boyfriend and I to come to the reception but he asked me if I wouldn't come to the church. Unfortunately the church was in the middle of nowhere so I ended up having to drive up with OH and wait outside the church. When the ceremony ended I just walked from the churchyard to the reception with everyone else, hoping I wasn't noticed and was horrified for the groom when the bride asked me why I wasn't in the service. It was an entirely innocent thing that just turned into something awkward and I wished I'd handled it differently. His being outside will just remind everyone that you were the person who didn't let people in!

And about the roll, I'd say yes would be delighted to accommodate to this particular request, which would he prefer, cheese or tuna?

Anyway, good luck to whatever you decide to do and have a beautiful day.

NeededANameChangeAnyway · 12/05/2016 14:30

Good text! Although I still think you should have included Arf's subtle dig probably no point in antagonising people though.....

uglyswan · 12/05/2016 14:30

I agree with Furiosa - this twat obviously gets off on forcing people to react to him and his ridiculous demands. Don't engage, don't cast about for reasons why you can't let him sit outside while you get married, he'll just come up with more arguments as to why your reasons don't count. I'd suggest a quick "I think it's best to stick to the original plan". And then see if you can arrange to meet your DSIS for a coffee or something on her own so she's knows you're there if she needs to talk about Controllo and his freaky mindgames.

MargaretCavendish · 12/05/2016 14:33

Obviously this is a side issue, but SoEverybodyDance WTF?! He invited you to the wedding but banned you from the ceremony because you'd had a one night stand?! Surely I'm not the only one who thinks this is crazy...

Chippednailvarnishing · 12/05/2016 14:33

please get the waiting staff to place baskets of bread rolls around his place...

SouperSal · 12/05/2016 14:34

I get the feeling he might propose at your wedding......

purplefox · 12/05/2016 14:35

Why would he want a role in your wedding when he's only met you twice? Why would he think you'd want this stranger involved in your wedding? Crazy.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/05/2016 14:45

V good text! Unfortunately I agree with PPs that he's going to find a way to be offended or insulted. And don't be surprised if he doesn't call the venue to 'verify', just hoping that they say he can 'wait', either because you've 'lied', because he tells them you want him there but won't push it, or because he bullies them.

You do realize that this is just the beginning for you and your family, don't you?

momb · 12/05/2016 14:46

...or does she mean that he's a really fussy eater so will only come if he can have a roll instead of the chicken dinner or whatever you were having?

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