AIBU To Think We Wouldn't Cope?

[picklypopcorn]

DP and I really want to start a family. We have been together for 8 years, bought a house 2 years ago and financially we're ok, not a lot in savings (

We are pretty skint, and have 2 dc, fairly inexpensive because we buy second hand and have made use of local selling sites. We are not materialistic and create our own happiness without relying on the latest everything/amazing house etc to fulfil our lives. Money is not our God.

The most expensive out of everything is childcare.

And I'm not saying there won't be unexpected bumps, things to work out or get to grips with but you two sound so sensible, sorted and above all loving, that I'd be confident you can work through it and find a way

I'm sure many people envy your future inheritances OP even, though I guess you shouldn't count on it 100%, maybe but if I were you OP, I'd feel pretty confident that you have financial flexibility too and as you say could go part time. Sounds idyllic if you ask me!! Am so happy for you!

OP, I think you have been given a completely unnecessary hard time. I think because so many posts on here are about selfish, thoughtless, sometimes abusive wankers, that some posters have forgotten what a happy relationship looks like.!

I absolutely think you should start ttc as soon as you can. There is nothing to stop you. Your dp sounds absolutely fantastic. I would say one thing however. If he is as great as you say (and I have no reason to think otherwise) then it would be really nice to give him some financial protection by getting married.

At the moment he is in a very vulnerable financial position. I am giving the exact same advice as I would give to a woman. I would be horrified for a woman to be 'living together ' in their dps house, with little or none of their own income, looking after dcs.. It cuts both ways..

Working on the marriage thing, he just needs to bloody propose! Last time he proposed I was 21 and still at uni, so I said 'not yet'... I'll start dropping some heavier hints!

Well, planning a baby is a perfect reason to discuss getting married!

I'm not worried about your dh because he has his name on the house and you're not withholding your earnings - most of the people I've seen posting on here don't have their names on the joint ownership of the main asset.

You said he's reading this thread? Just tell him on here that you're planning to marry him. Sorted.

Haha he's well aware :) he stopped reading the thread when everyone started saying he was freeloading, it's upset him a bit. We had a chat and icecream, i pointed out if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldnt resent me, and he snapped out of it pretty fast after that. Think it made him see how I see things if that makes sense!

I don't understand. If you have £400 each month for savings then how do you only have less than £1k in savings? Have you only been saving for 2 months?
The honest answer though is that you will cope. I was scared how we would cope when my first was due and my wife gave up work. I was scared when my second was due and when the third surprised us... We cope. We have to.

If your DP were a woman I don't think anyone would question his dedication to wanting to be a SAHP. It doesn't sound like a fly-by-night thing - you've been together 8 years, not 8 weeks.

Let's say he "skills up" or "proves he can support you" for a few years before you try. Then, what? He, or you, face a few years out of the job market to parent before having to shoulder-barge your way back, in the face of all the people unwilling to hire p/t parents or those thinking you're lazy because you've been "sat at home" for five years. What a waste of time all that skilling and proving would've been.

Kids aren't cheap, but they're doable for almost any budget provided you're not foolish or a snob. Plenty of ideas on here to minimise costs. I've gotten shitloads of stuff off Freecycle, sales and charity shops, and batch cook like a demon, if you want my tuppence-worth.

You don't know if you'll have trouble conceiving. You don't know if you'll be together in ten years. You don't know if he'll change his mind about being a SAHP once he's experienced it, but then the same could be true of you, or any parent. All you can do is talk. Do you both really want a baby right now? If so, do it. And plan carefully. Go to local parenting groups/coffee mornings and talk to people. Budget. But make sure you have fun together doing it all. Good luck!

Me and my partner initially thought the same, could we cope financially. My siblings who had already had children said that you just adapt and find a way. And I have to say, they were completely right. Neither of us earn enough on our own to cover all the household bits so both incomes needed but we saved through trying and pregnancy. I got 90% maternity pay for 5months and I am now on stat pay but easily have the difference covered from savings. If you're worried then tighten your belt a little bit more while you're trying and pregnant to get a bit of a buffer in savings. We also had the added expense of fertility treatment to even get pregnant. As others say, you can get perfectly decent stuff second hand; we got bag loads of early clothes from car boot sales!!! Babies grow so fast that second hand clothes have been barely worn and my MIL was as excited as yours and picked up other bits in charity shops whenever she saw them. Cot and wardrobe off eBay. It's definitely possible to work it out, I have been surprised at how comfortably we have continued to live since LO came along.

picklypopcorn, I can't believe some of the criticism on this thread!! As I'm sure my answer would only attract more, I have pm'd you!

There is never a 'good' time to have a baby, but if you are with someone with whom you want to have a baby then do it! You clearly have a good grasp on your finances and if you've got childcare sorted then almost everything else can be dealt with fairly easily, as long as you compromise (for example, you ca pick up brilliant children's clothes in charity shops for pence).

Children are amazing. Being able to have them with someone you love is amazing. Good luck!

P.S. I think your DP sounds amazing too. DEFINITELY someone to have a baby with!

picklypopcorn, FWIW, I got pregnant accidentally for the first time at the grand old age of 40 (never thinking I would be lucky enough to), split up with the father immediately (he didn't want me to have the baby) and was a single parent for the first 10 years of my DC's life. It was simultaneously the hardest and the most wonderful thing I've ever done. I look at my DS daily and realise just how lucky I have been. I did struggle financially and practically when he was younger - yet having no-one to take over after a long day's work was much harder than being hard up - but I became self-employed when he was two and a half and life became a lot less stressful.

If you want children there is never a perfect time to have them, and at 40, with no support it certainly wasn't perfect! I've not managed to further my last 'career' as such, but am so much happier and have since met the man I'm about to marry and we're joining our two families. Life seems to have a way of turning out for the best, and you two sound as though you'll manage perfectly. SO sorted, SO in tune with one another. I wish you all the best for your future family!

OP one thing I was thinking from the beginning and still am is that if you only have £400 a month spare after bills with only you working what will you use for spending money? Gifts, treats, new clothes? Even worse, what if the car or boiler breaks down? Also: holidays. Become much much more important when you're a working parent.

The money really is quite tight. Not the end of the world but something to consider.

Also, as an aside- if your DP is making 3 applications a. Day with no success he is doing something very wrong- I would get advice from a CV expert, it's not expensive. You also need to personalise your cv and cover letter for each application which at 3 a day he can't be doing?

If you are savvy and don't get sucked into buying useless pfb stuff then the until cost of having a baby won't be too much.
Babies only need clothes food and nappies and not all that much in the toy department until they get older like 6-9months.

We earn a bit more than you and my parents provide childcare, but I'd say it sounds doable for you as we have some extra costs.

Get everything second hand except for mattress and car seat, you'll save a fortune. Ignore the cute outfits, my DS was just in babygros and vests for the first few months - it's easier on you too if you don't have to fiddle about with little trousers and shoes everytime a nappy needs changing. And save every penny you can starting now.

I don't think she's planning to give it back after 9 months though.
Costs increase. Sahp is a luxury many can't afford. Childcare is a luxury many can't afford.

Hello op I think you should go for it.
I think dp should be a sahd till dc is 4-5 then once you have the inheritance he can do his teacher training with that money. In the meantime he can learn to drive and pick up shifts at weekends etc.

Get a bit more of a buffer in savings to ease your mind and start doing the maths now.
Prams/ cots and the like can be bought second hand on Ebay or local selling sites for not a lot. Conversely they can also be bought for eye watering amounts.
Have a look around and see whats available.

Never buy a second hand car seat or mattress.

As a rough guide moses baskets last till they can pull themselves up in them or get too long for them. So anywhere from 5 to 9 months.

Cots around 2-3 years old then I would go straight to a bed. Weigh the pros and cons of getting the cots that convert to toddler sleepers. Are they more expensive compared to just going from a cot to a bed? Is it worth it for an extra 12-18 months use? Bed rails may or may not be useful.

Measure your doorways so you know what size stairgate you need and look up prices.

If using formula you go through on average 1-1.5 tins of 900g powder a week. Bottles you'd probably need around 20 for the duration of bottle feeding (not all at once start of having 6-7 in use through the day and replace as they wear out)
There are many types of sterilisers from cold water and milton to microwave steam sterilisers to ones which produce steam themselves.

If breast feeding factor in the cost of breast care items like pads and lotions. Also factor in a breast pump if you want to express and the relative items needed for breast milk storage.

Weaning you only need a few bowls and start with one meal and introduce another when ready. You can puree a portion of your own meals or buy them. The price range is quite wide.

Clothes can be bought from second hand shops, online or from supermarkets. The early stuff of vests and baby grows don't usually cost that much and can usually be bought in multipacks so get researching that now.

Nappies a rough guide is around 6-12 per day (the higher number for smaller babies which are renowned poop machines).

Toys increase in price as they get older and also decrease in size. Look at an xbox compared to a toy car

The only other big expense is going to be child care and even if you've got that covered research it should your circumstances change.

School uniforms are usually pretty cheap until secondary school with the largest expenses being coats and shoes. There are some areas which recycle uniforms and they are also popular on local selling and free sites. You don't have to have enough uniform for a clean one every day, you can follow a one set on, one set clean and one set in the wash rota.

Buy cheap underwear for potty training as there will be some accidents you just can't face trying to wash out.

Maternity wear, don't bother really just get elasticated and buy a couple of sizes up. Bump bands may be useful though for a bit of extra support.

For the post natal period again cheap underwear and the highest absorbency towels you can find.

Best wishes.

I haven't read through to the end of the thread, but I am surprised at some of the criticism the DP is getting. It doesn't sound to me at all like he is workshy or trying to use a baby as an excuse to give up working altogether. He works in a restaurant, ànd the OP says he loves it, but they feel he will be able to pick this type of work easily up again after a break. I don't know why people are being so patronising about him 'growing up' and getting a 'proper job' etc. In many countries, eg France, being a waiter IS considered a respected 'career'. There are many sahm's around, why is it not OK for a man to feel that he would like to have the role of staying at home and raising his children? The biggest expense with a child is childcare, and if you're not paying this your outgoings will not go up hugely until the child is older (school age, at which point DP can go back to work, especially if you have 2 full sets of lovely retired parents on your doorstep to help out with childcare gaps). There are always challenges involved no matter what age you have your child, things can be difficult, illness or unemployment can come along and you can't foresee and plan these twists and turns of fate. If you are the sort of people who love impromptu city breaks, or long nights out on the town, regular theatre trips, eating out, partying hard, then possibly there would be a case for doing a bit more of your living now before having a family. But you say you are very settled, so why not start your family now? My brother and sister had both started their families at your age, and now in their early fifties are completely free agents again, with the prospect of a good chunk of years ahead to travel, work, have fun etc. Me and DP were 40 and mid 40's when DD was born. You do have less energy by then, the money worries are still there (work can go pear shaped at any point in your life!), we will be retirement age when she reaches uni. We couldn't have another so she is a lonely only, we may never see her children grow up, and she at age 6 has only 1 grandparent left. I wish I had had her years before and I would never advise anyone to wait provided they are in a realistic position to care for a child, which this couple clearly are.

I went back to work when my DS was four months whilst my dh was a sahd. I am very ambitious and am also the main bread winner. I met my DH on a grad scheme and he left the city to freelance as a sports writer after we married which meant he got paid virtually nothing . It was hard work but no more than for other people when you have a baby. DH was great and also did some writing during nap times. When DD was born I went back after 6 months. Forward 6 years later I'm still the main bread winner - pay for the mortgage, private schools, nanny etc but DH has pursued his career and founded his own business which surprisingly may end meaning I don't have to work ever.. Main point is we aren't a traditional set up but it worked for us. I had my first at 27 but actually I think 25 would have been better ( it makes no real odds) but the impact on my career I think may have been less if I was in a more junior position- maybe? Also I never felt my DH ever sponged off me - we are a partnership. His chosen path just earned less - he could have stayed in the city and we'd both have 6fig salaries working hard but not seeing each other and our family. Whatever you decide it will be right for you.

We went with our gut instinct on having our first - we just felt ready regardless of situation. We had planned to wait longer after we got married but we wanted to complete our family by having a baby. With my second I wanted a three year gap but it ended up less then 2 years. Not ideal as we knew tha double school fees would come sooner than later. I think it works out whatever happens mainly because you make it happen.

You poor love getting all this brief. We all live whatever life suits us. Conventional or not. No-ones business if you are both happy. And reading your replies you seem well and truly happy. Back to question. Have a baby! Or at least try for one. You dont know how long it will take, or that you will even get pregnant (I'm a gynae nurse-seen a lot of heartache). There is NEVER a perfect time. A happy home, even if you are not affluent, is all you need.