AIBU To Think We Wouldn't Cope?

[picklypopcorn]

DP and I really want to start a family. We have been together for 8 years, bought a house 2 years ago and financially we're ok, not a lot in savings (

have you given thought about what it would be like to be out the house 7am-6pm daily when you see the baby for one waking hour daily if you're lucky at the grumpy part of the day? You sound pretty confident that you will cope so it seems the point of the thread has been answered, that you will cope. Anything else aside, with a lot of family support things are never going to get that desperate.

MunchCrunch01 see this is the kind of thing I need help with, I don't know anyone IRL with children so I wouldn't know if being out for that long would be a problem for me?

I'm not a parent, I wouldn't know how badly that would affect me.?

Well he's not on the thread, and you seem quite happy to speak for him, so I just wondered.

I would be worried about a friend who had been applying for jobs for 18 months with no success at all.

I would presume it had affected them. I certainly wouldn't be making glib comments about how happy their life was doing other, low paid work to get by, even if they did enjoy it.

You don't have to be motivated by money to want to get an interesting job related to your field of study. Lots of those pay badly too, but can be very fulfilling and important.

I really don't think someone who has had 18 months of rejections in the job world is in a great place to be deciding on full time fatherhood.

Waiting until your wedding and giving him time to find a new direction and stop the job hunting seemed so sensible.

It's really hard to say upfront & that's why it's nice to be able to afford options - you can do those hours (I do), but I say from experience I've found it hard and it'll likely be a much nicer time for you if you can afford to buy yourself time to work 4 days a week or do 5 in 4 or half days on Fridays anything like that helps. Personally I'm less effective in my job post-DC as (as you can see) I'm spending a lot more time thinking about my kids - my failure to compartmentalize clearly!

You earn more combined than myself and DH

We have two kids.

You adjust.

DoinItFine He is reading the thread actually, I'm getting pasted on facebook messenger Lots of "sick" emoji's when I talked about how awesome he is (thanks for that DP ). He doesn't know what DP means, I've told him it means Demanding Prick so no one correct him

He also wants to know why this emoji isnt on facebook/ iphones!

Anyway, DoinItFine I don't actually disagree with you, his field of study is music hence why jobs are very limited. I think in all likelihood we'll wait the two years until after the wedding, but start losing weight and saving money now. The transition I'm making is going from "one day" thinking to "happening then" thinking of that makes sense?

The transition I'm making is going from "one day" thinking to "happening then" thinking of that makes sense?

Yes, that does make sense. Particularly given how young you both are.

You've lots of time to plan and get everything lined up.

Music is a tough field for sure. Is that also the hobby?

It'seems a good one though, because it should enrich your life for having done it even if you never work in it.

If music is the hobby that sometimes pays, maybe a way forward would be to stop all the work applying for jobs for a while. It is such an exhausting and demoralising way to spend your time and then concentrate on the hobby/job.

I know the restaurant work is enjoyable, but does it clash with music playing opportunities? Which would he drop if he had to choose?

There are so many choices to be made and opportunities to be taken for a 27 year old in his position.

Those things close down when you have kids. For a while anyway.

Just don't close them down too soon out of fear.

Has he thought about being a music teacher?

In a school I mean? Would mean a PGCE thingie of course. Would combine his two passions - music and children.

all i can say is from my experience it was harder being the working partner and seeing very little of DS than i thought and equally DP found it a lot harder being a SAHD. I think for him he'd been used to having a lot of me time (he worked for himself but nor much during the day) so even though he still had a lot he found it hard. For me it was a lot more emotionally difficult than i thought it would be (i loved my job before having a baby and thought that would continue)

Pickly, the fact that he is applying for so many jobs is in fact partly why I'm saying that waiting for another while for him to find his vocation might be worth it. Especially if he's about to drive.

If you were 35, I'd say you don't have the time to waste, get pregnant now. But job satisfaction is a good thing. It's great the rest of his life is so good, but we all spend a lot of our life working, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Being in work is an enormous contributor to mental well being. I just think the cost benefit of him having more of a chance to find his thing, before having a baby, might suggest holding off the baby.

And in the interim, would he think about doing music group sessions for pre-schoolers?

outputgap very reasonable and a much better way to phrase it, thank you!

Music teaching we've looked in to, his PGCE would have to be funded by us though which we cant afford (£9k plus him not working for 3 years)

Yeah music is also the hobby, he's in 3 bands :)

Music? What does he play, and can he teach it?

Sorry, cross posts, but I was thinking private music tutoring rather than PGCE.

Has he considered music therapy training? DS would love to do this but has not hope of getting a music degree.

He's a guitarist and lead singer (all around rock God generally )

I would have liked dh to be sahd, before I had dcs. You cannot know how you'll feel about leaving them. What if you want to be part-time (or both of you?) - prepare for more than one option just in case.

Re being at work when kids are young.

I went back to full time work when the baby was 9 months, then in two years time I went back full time again with the second baby when she was 6 months. I worked at a high street bank so was allowed to take breaks for expressing breastmilk during my working hours, and I also took a lot of unpaid parental leave (you're entitled to 18 weeks over the first 5 years of life for each child). Plus you have your usual leave of course. The job was 9 to 5. Kids were in the nursery for half a day and with DH after that until I got home. Yes I would have preferred to be with my babies at home and I wouldn't mind being a princess either with everyone else doing everything for me, but on balance I considered us lucky! Definitely not hard done by! It was good.

I can now afford to work part time so I spend more time with my kids.

Are you sure he wouldn't be eligible for a bursary?

here

PGCE is one year if you have a decent degree.

Are you spending £400 a month on food for just the two of you? That is really quite a lot.

I think he has it pretty cushy. I think it's maybe all about him. You work, commute two hours a day, spend your deposit and inheritance, you ferry him about. He works a stress free part time job and gets to play at rockstar.

You don't know how you will feel when you have a baby. In my case I had a bit of a meltdown about going back to work, DH had to step up and we had to radically rethink our plans. You won't have that option. If you have a birth injury or PMT or whatever, tough. It is all on you.

Warming my pyjamas wouldn't be enough support for me personally.

True that you can't know how you'll feel about leaving them. You also can't know how you OR he'll feel about being at home with them - some people love it, some hate it and start chewing the walls in boredom.

As you have time on your side at the moment, I think he'd be wise to line up some more work options now - PGCE, electrician, music teaching, whatever - in case childcare turns out to drive him mad.

LOL

I really think you should have put the music/bands thing in the OP.

That changes a lot for me.

I think given your combined skills/earning potential/job situation that it does make sense for him not to have a proper job.

It makes sense to work shifts and leave himself open tomusic jobs and see if he can make something out of that. It'seems a tough, precarious road, but since you are so secure financially it is actually a risk he can afford to take. And there is a good living to be made there if things go his way.

I still think it's time to ease up on the job applications and use that time for something better.

Which is pretty much anything.

He can keep anot eye out without that being like another job.

Munchcrunch, would you tell a man considering starting a family that he should think about whether he could cope being out of the house 7am-6pm?

I've been reading this thread with great interest because my partner and I are planning to start 'trying' in a few months' time. Situation a bit different - we're quite a lot better off financially and a bit older, but we will both have to work. If anyone goes part-time it'll have to be him; I earn more. We both currently work much longer hours than the poster in this thread.

Do people really think that it's a bad idea to have a child if the woman is the main earner? I don't think this will change for us, so I don't see me ever having the option of 'deciding' whether or not to work, but surely this is incredibly normal?

Oh TinklyLittleLaugh pipe down about the PJ's you know full well that was an example and not the only support he offers. He's just FB messaged me and said "I'll warm the baby's PJ's too if that helps?"

He does have it pretty cushy, very cushy actually and I'm incredibly happy to be able to provide that for him :) I have it cushy too, career I can excel in which satisfies my ambitious streak and a fabulously supportive home life which he provides

No, £200 a month on food roughly, then he contributes to savings and gives me £100 for spending money as all my wage pretty much is eaten by savings and bills :)

True I don't know how I'll feel, this is my main worry :(