AIBU To Think We Wouldn't Cope?

[picklypopcorn]

DP and I really want to start a family. We have been together for 8 years, bought a house 2 years ago and financially we're ok, not a lot in savings (

"Well I can't very well say "we're brilliant", we're lovely" now can I?

And WE can't afford, we're a team. WE have asked for feedback, I sit at the computer with him while he does it!"

Mmmmm. Not like his mum at all then. Anyway, I'll leave you to it.

Good luck.

Why have you bought a house with an hours commute for you if you are the main wage earner and work longish hours? Surely it would make more sense to live near your work? Or at least live in a city not rurally if your OH doesn’t drive? There would be more opportunities for work for him in a city as well I would have thought.

Don’t count on an inhertitance either, wills can be changed at any time.

Personally I would wait, you are still very young, and it would be better to be more established in your career if you are the main earner.

We live where we live because of family mostly and because we are in a tiny pocket of low cost housing in an area of massive cost housing!

Kidnapped not at all, he is dyslexic, I go through the responses with him... Problem?

But you have massively reduced his employment chances by doing so surely? If he can only apply for jobs locally or via public transport this must cut down on what he can apply for?

Yep, don't want to it but it was his families choice and his choice not mine

What? You didn't like the choice of where you bought a house? Surely this house is actually dependent on your income (mortgage companies don't tend to be thrilled about variable hours)? And his family got to pick where you bought it?

If your partner wants to drive, but is lacking in confidence/experience due to the bad experience, then one way is to take an automatic license. It means you can't drive a manual car, but these days automatics are brilliant, I prefer one anyway and doing the automatic test was what turned my husband from a non-driver who was never going to pass in a regular car into a driver. If you are in a rural area then him learning to drive and taking the test is your number one priority as it will be needed for both jobs and babies!

Do you do anything for yourself or does it all resolve around "helping" your partner and what he wants? Sounds a very imbalanced relationship. He lives the life of Riley doing his hobby etc while you pay for it all?

Why did his family and him choose the house when it was your money paying for it

Up till this point I'd have said all seems great, go for it, but this worries me. Especially as the location doesn't really work for you (hour commute will be awful if you have DC) or him (fewer job opps, doesn't drive)

Also not sure why the house is split 50/50 after the first £20k if you are the one paying virtually all of the mortgage. If you were married then yes of course 50/50 but you're not yet...

I didn't say I was u happy with where we live, I love it! Please everyone stop jumping on me, can we go back to my original question?

Not sure why you came on to ask for people's opinion then get defensive when people offer it? No point in asking stuff if you only want people to validate it! But if that is the case then you know what you want to do anyway.

And why is the house 50/50 when you are paying everything? So if you split up you would be massively out of pocket?

picklypopcorn - of course we can go back to your original question! The answer is - good luck in August!

I posted to ask how expensive kids are, I've ended up defending my relationship, my choice of partner, my financial arrangements, my choice to have a career, my in laws and now my choice of housing, none of which is at al relevent

Of course I'm defensive! Everyone is implying I'm a mug who's dp is taking the piss, which couldn't be further from the truth.

I am a strong believer that there is no absolute perfect moment to have children - you just have to take the plunge and hope for the best.

I have two woopsy-daisy babies (yes, two. Yes I know about the menstrual cycle and fertility and contraception.). The first was conceived when I was engaged but not yet married, in my first job with OH finishing up a course. Not ideal financially or otherwise but I don't regret it for a minute and even feel she smoothed the way for some things in our lives.

Number 2 - we were both working, had just bought a house, lived relatively near my family and I guess it would have been the perfect time to decide to have a second...we were kind of working up to it mentally (and probably would never have got there ;) ) but turns out that, just a few weeks before his birth, OH job disappeared unexpectedly and we ended up emigrating far away...

Moral of the story, even if it seems like the perfect time you never know what life will throw at you and sometimes when the timing seems wrong, it can all work out.

If you both want children then you will make it work. Good luck.

You're getting a really hard time and I don't know why. You sound like you gave a great partnership and it works for you. It's no one else's business who earns more etc.

Given all you have said I would say go for it. The most important thing is having a supportive partner and that's what you have. Yes they do cost money but 6 months full pay is excellent and DP can pick up shifts in evenings etc to supplement if needed. Ask parents to contribute towards car seat, pram, cot and look for clothes in supermarkets or eBay. Good luck!

If u have the right person, everything will fall in place, like people said if you think too much on if u can afford u will never have a baby! At least u have a job and a stable life, how many people don't and have kids and turn up ok!

Well of course it is all relevant if you are having a baby. It's a massive step, especially for a girl like you who sounds lovely, bright and sorted and has everything to lose if she makes a poor choice.

Look, chances are you will have a baby, DP will be a great SAHD, you will be happy going off to work and leaving him to it and everything will be lovely.

But the "what ifs" are worth thinking about. And you need to think dispassionately about your partner: I've been in relationships with some great, fun, charming guys, but there are only a couple I would have considered having a baby with.

Not 'everyone' has jumped on you, some of us have told you to go for it, but I can totally see why you're getting defensive. You shouldn't have to be defending your choice of partner, house, location, job, etc. You have a stable relationship, a job and are chronically sensible. Pretty good starting point for parenthood, I'd say.

Plus, you already have one cheerful, laid-back, guitar-playing, non-driving, would-be rockstar in the house, so if you end up with a teenager like mine, you'll take it completely in your stride.

Thanks everyone and thanks tinkly, be assured the what ifs are firmly on my mind!

It won't be August, I'm probably going to go back on the pill. 3 months is no where near enough time to think this through properly!

I agree with previous posters who have pointed out that you might not want to go back to work full-time. I had my first baby last year, and while I seem to be less maternal than other mum friends (was quite happy to leave her with DH for a couple of hours from early on, for example), and was happy to go back to work (4 days per week) after seven months, I wouldn't want to work full-time - I enjoy having one day at home with her, and it gives me a chance to keep in touch with people I met on maternity leave. Likewise, the long commute would only leave you with an hour a day with your child, and you might find that hard too. I'm home at 6 and DD goes to bed at 7.30, but I can see that when she drops to one nap a day she'll need to go to bed earlier, which will cut into our time together in the evenings.

Your DP being isolated is another concern. Firstly the rural location is a problem as he can't drive (you can take him to gigs now, but that won't be possible once you've had a child). Assuming he passes his test, can you afford to run two cars on your reduced income?

My DH took two months paternity leave when I went back to work and he struggled with being socially isolated - he took DD to all the baby groups I'd been going to, and knew a few people there from our ante-natal course, but still felt very much the odd one out as the only dad there despite most people being friendly. Will your DP be as happy being a SAHD as he thinks he would be? It would be better to be prepared to be flexible - you going back part-time, him continuing to work and trying to find a role related to his degree/ hobby.

And if he does become a SAHD, his main role will be childcare - are you prepared to do more housework than you do at the moment? Sounds like you have it easy at the moment, but babies create lots of extra work!

OP your financial situation doesn't sound prohibitive to me and sounds pretty average for couples starting a family

however I disagree with PPs on 2 main points

1. The "cost" of babies is not nappies and cots, the "cost" is loss of earning potential, loss of career progression (due to being unable to go above and beyond e.g. attending courses and extra things like overtime needed sometimes to climb he ladder), difficulties getting back into work if one of you takes a break etc. It can be a massive knock, more than you expect

1. People who say "you just adapt" are wrong. Some people do, but many families find themselves in poverty after having children so it is not the case that everyone's finances can just "adapt". Not everyone has a host of luxuries they can cut back on to soften the financial blow of having children. If everyone "just adapts" then how do PPs explain child poverty?

Firstly, got to page 6 before HAVING to chip in!

OP you and your DP are getting so much stick that I'm horrified. It sounds to me as if you have the perfect attitude, the perfect relationship, prretty amazing finances, ideal family relationships and support... what more is there to want?

I think people should back the hell off from questioning your DP. If the two of you are happy then who cares. He sounds great. You both sound great

And of course famiies can and do work with two working/ career minded parents (and obviously a lot of times it has to), in my opinion I think it is probably far easier if one parent is happy to be at home/ be more flexible with work, whilst the other is more ambitious/ career focussed. It surely saves a lot of aggro and negotiating and of course it doesn't matter what which sex/ gender does which role, so long as everyone is happy.

And self employment can always help boost a CV - even if it is nominal self-employment to cover the years whilst being a SAHP - who is going to check exactly what he was doing or how much - or care?!? It is an excellent smoke screen if it relly worries you. And hey, surely he's a musician? All artists are expected to devote time to their art aren't they? I think his hours low wage are totally irrelevent if you have enough to live on and good budgeting skills as you obviously have OP.

So, I think if you should go for having a baby soon if you heart agrees OP. Don't wait.

Who knows what can come up in the next few years (ill health etc) and whilst you might feel worried about that or have to cope with being short of money, I think neither of you will regret having kids, but if you wait and then can't conceive or something goes wrong, I'm POSITIVE you will look back on this time and wish you had chosen to have a baby now.

Just to clarify my perspective; we decided not to have children straight away, because of wanting to try to buy a house and all the sensible things, but years later with health taking a turn for the worse (pre-exisitng so couldn't get cover) and so-so finances we are still struggling with renting, and now at our age with no great improvement in sight, it is the most devastating thought that now will will never get the chance to be parents though we would love to adopt but health may rule us out.

In hindsight, we would have managed a baby so much better then than now, but that is something we now have to live with and hope that there is still a chance for us.

Go with your heart OP x