AIBU To Think We Wouldn't Cope?

[picklypopcorn]

DP and I really want to start a family. We have been together for 8 years, bought a house 2 years ago and financially we're ok, not a lot in savings (

And why wouldn't he be working for 3 years? It's a 1 year course usually.

If it is something he is interested in (and he's right to reject it if he's not interested in it), then 1 year and 9K (that's if he doesn't get any help with his fees) would be a decent investment in a career in my opinion. He could get a loan for the fees if need be. Or do music lessons on the side to bring some cash in.

Actually my friend is in your position with a DH who is/was a SAHD/ musician. She is 50 and pretty much burnt out from carrying them financially for 30 years. In fact, just this last year she has put her foot down and he has got a job. He is stressed and depressed now and their relationship has gone downhill quite a lot (now he has to pull his weight). She is thinking of letting him quit and sucking up the lack of cash (four kids to get through Uni) because he can't/won't hack it.

True I don't know how I'll feel, this is my main worry

Just know that it is not knowable. Accept that and plan with it in mind.

It's a knowledge gap you can't cross until you find yourself in charge of your own child :)

Worrying is pointless.

But dismissing Tinkly's valuable perspective is pointless.

She's has a point.

A cushy life you are happy to support at 25 could be a pisstaking drain on resources by 35.

You both need to protect yourselves and each other from that eventuality.

If you are smart and plan well, there are lots of options.

Why ask for opinions and tell people to pipe down when you disagree with them?

Obviously I am projecting here a bit, thinking of my mate. But seriously, what is cute and romantic and cool when you're a feisty 20 something. Isn't so amazing when you are a knackered 50 year old.

Again it's the driving thing, our nearest uni that offers a PGCE in Music is 60 miles away and we definately couldnt afford for him to live away :(

Is the place you are living really ideal?

A non-driver in a creative field might have a lot more options in a city.

I think you two sound lovely together. You clearly have a solid, very grown-up relationship and you are being terribly sensible. There's a point at which you have to put down the Excel 'for and against' spreadsheet and the micro-budegting, and just do what feels right. It might take you five minutes or five years (or longer, or not at all) to conceive. There is rarely an optimum time financially, it sounds like your future is relatively secure and you are both on the same page. Having the same values and communicating openly before you have kids is definitely good. Being best friends even better. Parenting can be bloody hard. You might be quite broke for a bit. But it's highly unlikely you will regret having a baby together. Good luck!

All these ifs that posters are givimg you. Ignore them. You can only plan with the knowledge you currently hold and a little bit of foresight. But none of us can predict the future. None of us know what is round the corner.

LOL at doin's change of heart. He plays an instrument. Oh, ok then. Not a lazy bugger after all, because he plays an instrument.

Wtf?

This thread is depressing.

I'm really disappointed at the sexism on this thread, a lot of what's been said wouldn't be if the genders were reversed.

I think maybe get married first, wait a year or 2, marriage is a good legal protection for lots of reasons, weddings need money too and much easier to organise without a little one, and it would be good practice financially for you both if you spend that time living on just your wage and you could save his.

My ex and I did this and meant my not earning after having dd wasn't such a shock.

Babies aren't expensive (excepting childcare), we weren't financially badly off but still didn't spend much (only things we bought new were travel system, next car seat up and high chair plus new mattresses and bedding for cot and Moses) we were given an awful lot either as barely used hand me downs (got a ton of clothes barely worn and some never worn from a friend who's 5th and last dc was her only girl!) or gifts.

Even if I DID have the money I personally think it's nuts to put eg pre schoolers who are going to get messy in expensive clothes - plus they outgrown every month!

Babies are relatively cheap - it's teenagers you need a lottery win for

As for your dp, he sounds fab! I'm seconding (though had thought of it myself before reading but was surprised it took 4 pages!) The idea of your dp being a childminder or similar. Several mners have male dp's that are and I know a couple in ral life too, it seems to be much sought after. Maybe being an early years worker when yours reach school? He sounds very patient and relaxed type. Also liking the music tutoring idea. He can start locally till he can get the driving sorted. BTW there are driving instructors that specialise in nervous learners, I used one (had been in a bad accident when younger and was a nervous passenger let alone driver).

Good luck with it all.

Because you were being deliberately facetious and you know it

I don't dismiss your point, I think it's very valid and so does DP!

We are in a very fortunate situation with regards to the future in that I'm set to inherit 3 mortgage free homes in total although hopefully the last one wont be for a very very long time. DP is an only child too.

We're not relying on inheritance, but the first lot realistically will be in the next 5 years (she's 90 and has severe dementia). That's 2 houses, both worth £150k+ one of which we'll be keeping on and "renting out" to my sister although we won't charge her rent (she lives in it currently). The other £150k brings about £500 rent a month currently and when we wanted to move, we'll sell it. The rent on that nearly covers DP's wage at the moment and would certainly top it up if he stayed in his current job for ever. I'll be earning approx double what I am now in 10 years if I keep my head down and work hard, which I'm hoping to do!

Before anyone questions why DSis isnt inheriting, that's a very long story and something I'm not keen to go into although she will inherit the house she lives in, just in a round about way.

Anyway, my point is there's ways in the future that I could afford to go part time :)

HelloTreacle9 how do you know about the spreadsheet??

I never said or thought he was a lazy bugger.

I thought he was someone with a degree in something they wanted to pursue who had had 1.5 years of knockbacks and was probably at quite a low ebb.

That's why I suggested giving up the job hunting and working more in the restaurant.

If he is managing to pursue his area of interest, then that doesn't make sense.

I'm actually ta king time out of my day to try to help someone who, let's remember, ASKED for advice.

And also started the thread far from convinced it wasn't a good time to have a baby.

But if taking the piss out of me makes you less pretend depressed, then have at it.

Yes, I would tell a man too that they need as much flexibility in their schedule as they can get. It does bother my DH too. I think I also made it clear that I find this hard, it's not a gender point. Also as I've said, there's 'getting on with it' and there's optimal, surely you plan things to optimize everyone's happiness and ideally both parents get flexibility.

DoinItFine you have helped, it's been lovely to have someone willing to give an unpopular opinion and it's so hard sometimes to sense the tone of posts, I think a lot of MN stuff gets blown up for no reason :)

DP says rest assured he's not feeling low about job hunting, it's a pain in the bum (he used different words [blush) but not a lot really gets him down!

PGCE does not talk three years if he already has a degree? One year course.

silverpenny yeah I've just seen that! Still no courses for 60 miles unfortunately :(

"Again it's the driving thing, our nearest uni that offers a PGCE in Music is 60 miles away and we definately couldnt afford for him to live away".

I wonder if you've realised how you talk about him.

When you talk about his positives it is "He is brilliant, he is lovely, he is talented..."
When you talk about his negatives it is "We couldn't afford, we've asked for feedback about jobs, we don't know..."

It comes across as if you've very slowly fallen into a mothering role with him and you've quite unconsciously assumed partial responsibility for his perceived failures.

It is his fault he can't drive and his fault he hasn't saved up enough money to retrain (if that's what he wants), get a better job, whatever. His alone.

So if your DH is 27, did he graduate at 21 or did he go to Uni later? What did he do before Uni? Has he been looking for a direction for many years or is music his main direction anyway?

"He is brilliant, he is lovely, he is talented..."

Well I can't very well say "we're brilliant", we're lovely" now can I?

And WE can't afford, we're a team. WE have asked for feedback, I sit at the computer with him while he does it!

I think armchair psychology can add two and two and get 22 sometimes...

Presumably moving to somewhere more accessible without driving (as DoinItFine suggests) is financially not viable? You must currently be living somewhere with cheap property prices?

Sounds like you are in the perfect position so go for it. Good luck

Oh, and some more helpful points: if your partner got a 2:1 then he should get a PGCE fee bursary of £4000, and can take out a student loan for the rest. Living expenses still an issue, obviously. There are paid training places, though normally you need some relevant experience for this. This might also be an issue even if he applies for PGCE courses (lack of experience) - has he thought about applying for jobs as a TA? And what about primary rather than music?

MargaretCavendish yeah nice cheap property, we couln't afford to move and have a 5 year fix on the mortgage anyway :)

How does he get to his gigs and practices with all his gear? Do you drive him everywhere? That would be difficult with a baby.

He might struggle as a non driving SAHD living rurally to get a baby to playgroup, or nursery, or school or the doctors. Learning to drive is a priority isn't it? You don't want to be driving yourself to hospital in labour.

Yep learning to drive is a massive priority! He's working on it, it's really tough for him though after his accident.

His band mates pick him up for gigs usually but I like to go occasionally and when I do, I take him :) Amazing how much kit you can fit in a hatchback!