AIBU To Think We Wouldn't Cope?

[picklypopcorn]

DP and I really want to start a family. We have been together for 8 years, bought a house 2 years ago and financially we're ok, not a lot in savings (

What a load of shite outputgap

I was still studying when got pregnant with DC1. I've managed fine to get a career off the ground whilst being a parent (even though I became a single parent 4 years on). It's perfectly possible, and whilst many of my peers are now going off on maternity leaves and leaving high pressured careers because of children, I'm at a nice stage when I can look to throw myself into work more as the kids get more independent. I think it doesn't make odds what age you have kids in terms of balancing work and family - there are pros and cons any way.

My ex never had a well paid job (though that had nothing to do with why we split up). His not working full time actually helped me a lot get my own career going. No reason at all why your ex can't be a SAHD for a bit and look to get back into work more seriously in a few years, fitting it round childcare.

I did find I didn't want to work full time though, as I wanted some time at home with the DC - that's just my own personal view - but if you're thinking your DP will stay home just because you're the one who earns more you might want to give some though as to whether that's actually what you want, and be prepared to flex your plans a bit if you do find the idea of being away from your baby such long hours isn't appealing. Both working part time, even if that's you doing 4 days a week and him 1/2 days might work better, so good if you can have a bit of money behind you to make that viable.

Really? I would go ape shit if a dd of mine got pregnant having never had a proper job. It would make her way way too vulnerable in the future. We will all have to work into our 70s, and I want my children to build a career that maximises their chances of doing something worthwhile and that's interesting and rewarding. And never having had a proper job before having a family ain't the way to do that.

And I think the dp in this case may rue the day he didn't give himself the chance to find his thing before having a baby.

So, everyone on the minimum wage isn't doing a 'proper job'? Who is going to do these improper jobs then, like cleaning, working in service industries, caring and so forth? How incredibly rude to those people. It's one thing to want to retrain or maximise your income, that makes sense, but dissing people on NMW jobs? Millions survive on them and everyone depends on them being done to have their society function!

OP, if you are happy with the distribution of work and money in your household that's good enough, especially as you seem to have covered paying for a mortgage, insurances, are getting a lump sum.

In fact, the more you write, the more you seem more sorted than many people a decade older.

Good luck with your decision.

output is spot on.

If I were his mother and these were his plans I would be super worried about him.

There is a massive difference between not being ambitious and not being capable of standing on your own two feet as an adult.

The former is not a problem. The latter really is.

It is for women every bit as much as men.

But you are very, very naive if you don't think having children will have an impact on your career and your earning power.

In all likelihood it will.

In a way that you might never recover from.

If your partner is someone who has never done any kind of work other than part time shifts in a restaurant at some point in the past, that could matter.

Giving him time and space to figure out his adult life is a much kinder thing to do for him than rush into his SAHD dreams.

It sounds like he is using that as a way of opting out of having to figure out how to build an adult life for himself.

His life now sounds pretty depressing.

No baby deserves to be born as a sticking plaster on someone else's life.

So, everyone on the minimum wage isn't doing a 'proper job'?

Every childless 27 year old with a degree he's never used who is working shifts in a restaurant that don't come close to covering his living expenses isn't doing a proper job, no.

It's a shit situation to be in.

But opting out of it by having a baby would not be smart.

But why did he waste money and earning time on a degree if he wanted to work in a restaurant part time? 'Proper job' was shorthand for job commensurate with his (expensive) qualifications. And he is trying to get one, so I think he should give himself more time before potentially losing the option.

Go for it Op. Some of the posters on here are smug twats who i'm sure have a perfect life. I'm sure if they can manage it, all of us can.

I posted a thread the other day about having a child by a sperm donor and had most of the posters basically saying that I shouldn't have children because I have MH issues (depression and anxiety). I doubt they would say that to a woman wanting children who has a physical disability.

Please don't listen to the smug posters, if people did the human race would die out. We aren't all born equal and sometimes you just have to play the cards you are dealt and do the best you can.

Babies are not expensive, except for childcare and you've said this is not an issue. However, children are very expensive and carry on getting more expensive as the grow up.

There are unavoidable costs like food, clothes, shoes and school uniform. Then once at school lots of requests for school trip money, which starts off small but increases as they get older and the more expensive the trips get - DD2s trip this year is £300 and DD1 in secondary is £800

Children want the latest trainers, bike, gadgets etc for Christmas and birthdays because 'all their friends have them'. This doesn't mean that you have to provide them but it can be difficult to say no all the time. Then there is extra curricular stuff to pay for if they want to participate in sport, music for example possibly followed by university at £9k a year.

So unless your DP is willing to take on more financial responsibility at some point, I would say that you are right to be careful about this decision.

His life now sounds pretty depressing.

Why, because he doesn't earn a lot? He has his own home, is working in a job he loves and is in a very happy relationship... which part of that do you think is depressing him?

He also has a fabulous hobby which creates a bit of income and he loves to do, he also has the flexibility in his life to do that... wish i had such a depressing life

He wants a baby because he loves children and would be a fantastic Dad. He's wanted kids since he was a child, MIL tells a story that when asked what he wanted to be when he was older he answered "A Dad". He was about 10 at the time. The first year we were together, we had the kids conversation and at that point he was doing his degree, he asked if I wanted kids then so it's not like he's decided kids will solve al his problems now, he's always wanted them.

The career I'm in has massive earning potential, I'm due a promotion (all being well) in July. My company are progressive and very supportive. They offer 100% paid ML for 6 months and a further 6 months on 50%. They do flexible hours, WFH, all sorts to support women with kids. One of my colleagues came back after ML last year, she was promoted in January. Very oild fashioned to imagine women with kids can't have successful careers.

outputgap did you miss the part where I said he's been applying for 18 months for jobs with his degree? We live in a rural area and he doesnt drive for reasons I've explained... how many degree level jobs do you suppose their are in a rural area with no industry?

I travel an hour a day for my job...

• an hour each way

Every childless 27 year old with a degree he's never used who is working shifts in a restaurant that don't come close to covering his living expenses isn't doing a proper job, no.

Christ, it's the retail thread all over again.

You'd have a different view on restaurant staff and 'proper jobs' if someone served you raw pork or tipped a curry in your lap. I'm sure the argument that they were only dabbling anyway wouldn't cut any ice then.

Unfortunately, no, not all people with a degree can have a professional job now, not enough to go around. Luckily the OP's partner is sensible and still works anyway. Some of the attitudes on this thread about what counts as a successful life are completely eye-opening.

I'd always rather one of my children had a great professional income as it's a good back up in years to come, but if they chose not to go that route, found a lovely partner, had a stable non-rowing relationship, had a hobby and owned their own home, as well as working in a NMW job, I hope I would be incredibly proud of them.

You are making out this man is a waster, I think that's incredibly offensive to the OP and what they have achieved together.

No, depressing because applying for jobs for a year and a half and getting absolutely nowhere is terrible for your confidence.

He can't be a SAHD forever.

He's only 27.

There is no rush to parenthood.

There are lots of things he could do in the next few years to make himself more independent of you and your earnings and your inheritance.

Don't you want that for him?

Four years of SAHDing, maybe with some PT something, possibly followed by a short course could put him in an excellent position just as the economy picks up and then they'll get to move on to two good incomes with no major childcare worries by their early-to-mid-30s.

It's the homeownership and two supportive families nearby that tips it for me; Plenty of broody couples a decade older would give their right arm for that.

You'd have a different view on restaurant staff and 'proper jobs' if someone served you raw pork or tipped a curry in your lap.

Nope, I wouldn't unless every single one of them is 27, male, childless etc etc

One of my suggestions was that if he loves it so much, he could make it his proper job.

He could decide that this work he loves will be his future and throw himself into it and see if he can progress at all, take on more responsibility, learn about the trade.

There is nothing at all wrong with working in a restaurant being your job.

But there is something wrong with giving up on working because you can't find the job you want.

If he were someone I loved, I'don't want to be bloody sure that wasn't what was going on.

It is offensive, I'll defend him to the hilt. He's an incredibly lovely guy, type of guy who puts my PJ's on the radiator an hour before I go to bed and packs me a lunch for work every night for the next day.

Even though his earnings are low, he insists on paying for meals out once a month and we could probably save a fortune on the food shopping (which he pays for) if he didn't insist on impressing me with his cooking

He's a truly truly great guy, one of a kind and an absolute gem!

Do I give two hoots that he doesn't earn a lot? Fuckity fuck no.

It is offensive, I'll defend him to the hilt. He's an incredibly lovely guy, type of guy who puts my PJ's on the radiator an hour before I go to bed and packs me a lunch for work every night for the next day.

I think you two sound great together

DoinItFine I want him to be happy, that's what I want for him and a career isn't going to do that for him. Not everyone finds happiness in money.

Do you want him to be financially independent?

OP good for you! your partner's (and your) lives sound lovely and there really are some negative people on here. You clearly work for a fantastic and forward-thinking organisation-I do too, I've had 2 kids, been off on 2 sets of mat leave of a year each and haven't found any bar to career progression whatsoever. Life doesn't stop when you have a baby, how DARE someone suggest that it would be a 'sticking plaster'! How rude! Your DP can still do a few shifts/his hobby/study for something as it sounds like you will have fantastic family support to look after your DC. Anyway, you have until August to decide to TTC for sure, so a few months to make plans as to how it will all work in practice. Keep the lines of communication open and keep encouraging and supporting one another

Just5minswithDacre haha thanks, he's my best friend!

People think I'm bullshitting when I say it, but we have never once had a cross word between us. We discuss big stuff like this often, we talk about politics (we have very different views on a lot of things) but we've never argued.

Life is too short not to be happy :)

Lovewineandchocs that's great to hear that your career has continued un-hindered! That was a concern of mine until I spoke to my colleague about it, she assured me there was no limitations placed on her after she came back so I'm feeling better about it now :)

DoinItFine why is what I want for him relevant? Surely it matters what he wants?