AIBU To Think We Wouldn't Cope?

[picklypopcorn]

DP and I really want to start a family. We have been together for 8 years, bought a house 2 years ago and financially we're ok, not a lot in savings (

Just spoken to DP and sent him this thread (hi ), I've altered my standing from flat "no" to "let's see how things are in August", he's delighted and says thank you mumsnetters!

By all means think long and hard about your finances, but don't make the decision based only on that. There's nearly always a way to make things work.

I had DC1 last year at the age of 25. I like the thought of having at least one kid who has flown the nest while I'm still only 50 (bloody hope so!!).

I've noticed on MN threads whenever anyone asks whether they should have a baby (first or subsequent) the majority of people pile in saying yes, you should even though it's pretty obvious that it's not the best time.

Your boyfriend clearly needs to find work that he can progress in. I know he's happy working part time in a restaurant but will he be happy doing that when he's 50? If you can't afford for him to retrain now, you certainly won't be able to when there are children.

Why doesn't he enrol on a course such as plumbing/electrician in September and spend a couple of years getting qualified. He would then be able to be self employed - it sounds as though this would suit him. In the meantime he can carry on with driving lessons so that when he's qualified he can drive.

You are rushing things. He has a degree and has had six years without a professional job. He needs to do something - clearly applying for the jobs he's applying for now isn't working so he has to do something that will work.

You are still really young and you have loads of time ahead of you. His job should be a priority now and it should be sorted before children are involved.

I would just say don'the design your entire adult lives around being parents.

There is so much else to do.

I find the rush you're in a bit odd.

You say you're really ambitious, but you're going to choose pregnancy at 25?

A SAHD can't carry the baby, can't breastfeed the baby.

Is this a good time in your career to be working below your best for a couple of years?

To take 6 months out on full pay?

To potentially do it again in a few more years?

You can'take really reverse the roles. You will still be a mother with all that implies for your body and your baby's dependence on you.

I really don't think you've thought this through.

There are some very odd replies on this thread.

There is no real need to do this in August.

I find it very odd that people are trying to dissuade a couple who want to have children to have children. Biologically, this is actually an optimal time.

I also think it is definitely worth thinking about the longer-term in terms of your partner's job. He doesn't have to be career oriented to not want 40 years of being a waiter. This conversation needn't preclude the first, babies are in preschool by three years old, so unless you are planning four or more, I don't see the huge issue with both improving his prospects (so as to bring in a stable and better second wage) and having children.

Ultimately, I don't get this 'live first, have babies later' mentality. It's obvious you are living now, plus you have been together nearly 10 years so hardly need to explore a different life, as you have already chosen this one.

Most people I know love being family oriented and doing family things, even if there is stress along the way, and it sounds to me like you would be very suited to this, as you are already stable and into your homelife.

it sounds like it'd be very nice for your family at large, I'm just not sure it'll be very nice for you because you'll have all the pressure, and not much of the enjoyment Op. I do work 5+ days a week with my 2 DC and I miss them, even though they have good alternative care. I also as I've said think that both P have to be able to earn good money, choosing to scrape by for 5 years just seems avoidable. I wonder if the baby is your (lovely) DH's way of getting out of the depressing cycle of trying to get a job that matches his capabilities?

I find it weird for people to encourage a 25 year old woman, who is financially supporting a boyfriend who has never had a proper job, to get pregnant ASAP and have the baby he's pressuring for, so that he can stop even the pretence of working.

A 27 year old who is incapable of functioning independently in the adult world is not a good bet as the father of your children, even if you are both relying on an inheritance to ensure he has a cushy life.

Some couples of this age might be ready to start a family now. This one is not.

Has your partner considered a career in childcare?

If he loves babies/children, he could be a child minder if your local school is walking distance he could offer wrap around care. No need for a car and he would still be able to care for your own child.

If this may appeal to him, he could try helping out a local toddler groups now before you have your own baby.

If you really are 'chronically sensible' I would be getting married before getting pregnant. Men are often keen for babies, but not many take them with them when the relationship fails.

Do it! I used this same excuse for 4 years then took hubby's advice to "see how it goes" and was up the duff within 2 weeks. Our beautiful boy is 2 years old now, my hubby is a SAHD and we still have quite a nice life on my earnings alone. You find a way to manage, believe me.

When I found out I was pregnant earlier in the year my first response (well second after the excitement) was 'oh my God, how are we going to afford this'. It was the same when we moved into a more expensive house a month later. I tend to be a worrier.

The house expense has worked out fine and we haven't had the baby yet but I'm now confident that we will be able to afford it. It seems more real now and I think I'm more aware of where our lives will change and so we'll make savings. I'm also more aware of what things are likely to cost when we have the child and what baby 'equipment' is necessary, what I'll be happy to buy second hand, e.t.c...

Also don't forget to factor in child allowance. I know it isn't huge amounts but it will help. For us it will especially help when I'm on maternity leave and pay goes down.

Oh for gods sake. What the fuck is a proper job? He has a job. A job is a job is a job.

Calling him a 'boyfriend' is patronizing. They have been together for 6 years, have bought a house together, and are planning their future together. He works, and looks after the house. That is hardly the description of a layabout who is scrounging off of the OP.

He does more than me. I 'only' look after the DCs and I expect DH to contribute to both the housework and childcare when he is not at his full time job. I am clearly a lazy, good for nothing sod who is taking advantage of my husband. Or is it OK because I have a vagina?

I'd get your DH to up his hours. And save like mad until your maternity leave finishes. Then he can do part time around the baby. you could afford a baby but life would be more comfortable with a higher income.

I disagree that babies aren't expensive! We got a lot of secondhand stuff but it all adds up and they outgrow clothes constantly. However The biggest expenses for us were moving to a bigger house and buying a second car, then childcare, so not relevant for you. But the other stuff adds up and when you're on mat leave it's hard not to spend much.

I would also be encouraging your DP to think about how he will work around your hours (evenings, weekends) to take the pressure of you a little.

At 27 with no children, a proper job is one that covers your living costs.

Working part time shifts in a restaurant while your girlfriend pays the bills is not living as an adult.

On paper me and dh can't afford children but we have 2 little boys. We are constantly broke but I wouldn't change it for the world. There's always a reason not to do it but if it's what you want them do it!

Did you miss the part where the OP said he has a degree and has been applying for full time positions for 18 months?

Yes, he might not have much ambition, but not having ambition does not equal lazy, and not having a full time job in his degree field is not uncommon in today's job market.

So he should never have a family because graduate unemployment is currently high, and his girlfriend happens to earn more than him? That is some twisted logic there.

it's especially hard with the first DC to be reasonable as you've got the rose-tinted spectacles of how lovely babies and children are, and none of the reality of the grueling slog, the boiler breaking on the day that you've been up half the night on a day you have an important meeting at work. Mind you, with the second one you still have slightly dented rose-tinted spectacles :)

Nobody is saying never have a family, we're talking about the difference between making really good decisions and getting by when you have to. Babies make it harder to re-train, it's not impossible, but it will be harder.

He has a job, he's not scrounging off me in any way and we haven't claimed a penny in benefits our entire lives, we have BOTH worked incredibly hard to both have degrees and a house we own by the time we were 25. We are a partnership, so back off DP he's doing absolutely nothing wrong.

He's not "pressuring" me to have a baby in the slightest, he wants to be a father, why does that have to be sinister??

He's not my boyfriend, he's my partner. We've been together 8 years and have a joint mortgage, just because there's no ring on our fingers doesn't mean this is a flash in the pan romance

Of course he lives as an adult, just because I'm a breadwinner and happen to have a vagina doesn't automatically make him a cocklodger. As I've mentioned, he does EVERYTHING in the house and still works between 20 and 30 hours. Admittedly 30 hours is quite rare but it's usually more than 20. 20 hours at minimum wage is not much, just because he doesnt earn much you assume he's at home all day on his arse?

If earning potential is the only thing that makes a male partner worthwhile to you that's incredibly sad. Jesus wept.

I strongly disagree that your partner needs to up his hours, start building a career etc etc. He can do, but why is it such a must?? I am 37 and most of my friends have already gone through the wave of relationship problems, some have divorced, some stayed together, some are happy, some not. The happiest families are the ones where one of the parents works part time or not at all. The most stressed out families are those where both parents work full time. If you're very career driven then it's quite convenient actually that your partner is more relaxed in that sense. When you have kids it's super important to have someone at home, cooking, cleaning and keeping the family sane.

Crossposted with you, picklypopcorn.

sorry, lost my shit a bit.

Thanks SpotOfWeather I tend to agree, hence why DP not bothering with a career doesnt really bother me now :) His lack of ambition used to get on my nerves during his degree because he was so relaxed about deadlines etc, but he came out with a 2:1 in the end so I had to eat my words a bit!

Your dp needs to get a proper job before you have a baby. His CV will be awful. He is cutting off so many future opportunities for himself and your family.

I would say exactly the same if he were female and you male.

And being 25, you have more time.

You seem to do all the preparing for the future, OP. He needs to do some investing in the future himself by being able to earn decent money, regardless of ambition or whatever.