AIBU To Think We Wouldn't Cope?

[picklypopcorn]

DP and I really want to start a family. We have been together for 8 years, bought a house 2 years ago and financially we're ok, not a lot in savings (

I've got a 5year old and a 6month old. You get £20 a week child benefit for your first child then £11 a week for 2nd. Each week I buy a tub of milk £8.25 and nappies last about 2weeks and I buy Asda which are £3.75. You can spend loads on baby things but they don't need it. If your happy with secondhand go to carboots or eBay. Hth

You are only 25, what is the big rush to start having children when you don't sound to be in a more secure position. It doesn't sound sensible at all in your current situation.

Lancelottie he's doing ok with the driving, he's been learning 4 months now (my mum takes him out in their car) and he's able to drive on roads with traffic pretty competently, although I was in the back seat last week and feared for my life (more to do with me than him i think!)

It's slow progress because he's very nervous all the time, he's terrified of hurting someone so jumps and over reacts if pedestrians cross etc etc.

I reckon he may pass his test potentially next year some time at the rate he's going

All the 'money doesn't matter, babies just need love' people, can I ask if this is what you tell your own children?

None of my beeswax what an internet random does with her life, but I'd hope any kids I had would establish careers etc and have lived a lot before having kids.

OP, those are very tight margins you describe. Of course it can be done, but don't underestimate how stressful it can be scrimping to make ends meet. MN is full of people who are trying to keep their families going on low incomes and it can create all kind of problems including relationship breakdown.

I'd say, what's the rush.

Having no ambition is a very attractive quality is this time of deification of work.

It takes a lot of gumption to say (particularly as a man) that you want a nice family life and time to enjoy it.

I do think it's important to at least know you can support yourself. And right now he doesn't.

There's a difference between choosing to give up work and not really having any work to do.

I've seen how that has affected my very clever mother with a degree who never had a job because she's me. Which was obviously totally worth it ;)

You're both so young and there is no rush to have children.

If he loves restaurant work, why doesn't he concentrate on getting to the stage where he can support himself?

I just think you will both be very constrained by a situation where only you can earn enough money to keep you afloat.

I have found I am actually saving money since having a baby and we've bought a house!! My lifestyle before was quite expensive as we were always out.

I breastfeed so no expense there, can't be bothered with drinking so no expense there and Aldi nappies are the best out there IMO and at £3.56 for 98 nappies you can't complain.

The initial outlay in terms of pram, cot etc. scared me but since my DD has been here it's fab!!

DoinItFine thanks for that, i agree, he gets a lot of stick from friends (both his and mine) for wanting a family and being as they call it "a house husband". He's been called effeminate for it (he's 6ft and built like a brick shit house and is about the least feminine person i know!) but it doesnt bother him at all, it takes courage to go against the grain and I find it massively attractive.

I think essentially the point you're making is that it's doable, but not ideal? I would probably agree although I think I need more info on actual brass tax, the cost info has been really helpful.

I am a SAHM and have been for 9 years. As my DC have gotten older, I've done volunteer work - in school etc. I have absolutely no ambition either, beyond being here for my babies. Whilst my DH financially supports me 100%, my being at home has enabled him to concentrate 100% on his career (he is ambitious). He is also parents well and contributes to household jobs. You seem to be as supportive as my DH is and as long as the two of you agree on what you want to do, everyone else's opinion of your set up is really irrelevant. Yes he will get funny looks for being a SAHD, but there are a lot of them out there. Its great that he does do the kind of work that can fit in around family life if you need extra £. He could probably set up a dog walking business if he wanted something else - lots of people leave their dogs at home all day. Even though I have no ambition, I am just finished a Degree with the OU - in case I want to go back to work now my babies are older. I will have something constructive on my CV then. In ten years time, he might have found his "thing", equally his thing might just be being a loving and supportive partner and father.

And just on the age thing. The comments that you are in your twenties and have "loads" of time left to have babies, so live first etc. That is true to an extent, but you can live with children too. I didn't have my DC till my 30's (living first and all that) but DH and I are only going to enjoy life after children have finished Uni and left home as old people. I find that quite sad and wish I had met him earlier and had children earlier.

It would hardly be a reckless decision but you do have time - babies can change things and you need flexibility and that can be expensive. It's not ideal that your DH is under-employed, he may not like being a SAHD as much as he thinks, and you may not like working FT out the house when you eventually get to it and if DH doesn't have the ability to earn some reasonable PT cash so you can cut back a bit you've got a recipe for resentment there. Similarly, it's harder to put extra hours in at work to get promotions when you've been kept up half the night with a baby that won't sleep or a teething/sick toddler. It's easier to get a bit more income first, get used to your more senior job and then change nothing when baby comes. Of course you CAN cope but it seems a more stressful path to me to have babies now.

OP, just go for it. You sound incredibly grounded..... you even have critical care cover ffs! I am 37, 4 kids, still rent and am as happy as a pig in shit. You have done all the planning and while you are far from rich, you sound like a baby would make you both happier than Ralph Lauren clothes and a holiday in the Maldives every year!

Contrary to what people say, kids do not have to be expensive. My kids do not get designer clothes as they have been raised to understand that needing a designer label on your clothes is totally unnecessary. For a great deal of people it just masks their own insecurities. I prefer to teach my kids self-confidence and acceptance of others and as such my 16 and 12 year old sons live in £5 a pair joggers and £2 Tshirts. You can offer your future family a secure roof over their head, a loving set of parents and an extended family that will be willing to bend over backwards to help.

You do not need to buy ££££ nursery suite , or a £1000 travel system. You can get 90% of it on the cheap......I never spent more than £150 on a buggy and car seat and my kids turned out just fine. In fact my 16 year old is doing his exams and is predicted all As annd A*s. Despite us being poor as dirt when he was a baby. Also, remember that after the implannt comes out it can potentially take you 12 months to regulate your cycle and become fertile again. So you may get some extra time to save even if you are "Just waiting to see what happens". or you may get caught right away.

Good luck!

Fannyupcrutch haha I am, ridiculously grounded and I find it very difficult to "take the plunge" with any decisions as a result

This is why I question whether it's reasonable to think we could have a baby or whether I'm over thinking?

"We're getting married hopefully in 2018 on our 10 year anniversary... that's the dream anyway!"

That would seem to be the ideal time then. Save up as much cash as you can between now and then and then go for it. Less than 1K in savings now is not ideal at all.

I agree with most here. He might not take to being a SAHP and you might not take to being a WOHP (and you won't know that until you are actually there doing it all) so you need to at least try to factor in some flexibility into that.

And I honestly don't want to be the voice of doom here, but if you split up and he is the SAHP then he's in a better position to go for primary residency of any children that you may have. Sorry but that's something to consider.

It's definitely reasonable, it just may not be optimal! Those are 2 different things. You don't sound as though you could make a crazy unreasonable decision and that's no bad thing!

Kidnapped I'll be 27/28, I've suggested that would be a better time too :)

You both sound admirably sensible and frugal, your DH seems lovely. I am sure you will be fine with a baby. There is never a perfect time.

I should probably have mentioned earlier also, I have a £150k inheritance coming in the next 5 years that we'll be using to get a bigger house. Maybe then would be the right time? I'm terrified of being infertile, it's my biggest fear hence why I think I rush these things!

Yay, do it do it do it and well done you on the house!

No don't wait 5 years!

There is no guarantee that you will fall pregnant straightaway. If you wait and then start you could be into your 30s before you even fall pregnant. Nothing wrong with that, but if you want to start a family now just go for it.

There is more to life than CVs and work experience. People get back on the career ladder all the time after childcare breaks. Yes it might be difficult but it is not impossible.

Neither is it a crime to not have ambition. Someone needs to serve tables/clean/work in shops. A lot of people use those jobs as a stepping stone, but equally, a lot of people enjoy those jobs or do them because it fits in around their life. Work to live, not live to work.

You sound like a lovely couple. I think you are in a perfectly good place to start a family. Better than a lot of people. Better than I was, and am with two DCs.

Babies can be as cheap or as expensive as you want them to be. Breastfeed, shop second hand, don't buy all the gimmicky crap you think you'll need but never use (Bumbo i'm talking to you). Go forth and multiply ;)

The right time is now

Well, alright then, August it is...

Don't wait 5 years!

well come on - if you read correctly, Op has no wiggle room for working less after ML currently as the main earner. I'm all for babies are lovely, have them as soon as you can, but it's not always lovely if you feel stuck working 5 longish days a week (out 7am-6pm daily) and have no flexibility to work a bit less and start to get down that you can't see your lovely baby more, even if you know it's well cared for.

No, babies are expensive unless you have a lovely granny or someone to look after them for free. Childminders and nurseries cost a lot. Or, as in this case, if one parent does the caring you have to offset against lost earnings and& lost future earnings.

OP in your situation (now I've read your more recent posts) I'd probably go ahead. But I would advise your dp to think about what he is going to do for work long term and work out whether it would be better for him to reskill now or later (or possibly part-time whilst being the main carer).

You have a contingency. If you can't manage on the money, then DH can pick up more evening and weekend shifts. It's not like people who are struggling to manage with no option of increasing hours.
With the inheritance as well, why would you even hesitate?