Should I just swallow my pride?

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

I'm getting married in 3 weeks. Me and the OH want a small wedding but a large party. The wedding is 10 people so we have 5 guests each. I have 3 siblings and my Mum and Dad as guests and He has got his mum and dad and his 3 siblings.
My sister is currently with someone and has a new born baby with the new guy and 2 older children. I told my sister the wedding she is invited to but the party her children and partner and his family are welcome to the party. She was absolutely fine with this. Until last week - she rang to say unless her , partner and 3 children can attend she won't be coming but she will attend the party. I told her if she doesn't attend the wedding she is not welcome at the party.
She text today asking could my OH not drop his siblings for her children and partner (baby wouldn't need a seat so doesn't count as a person) I told her absolutely not her partner was shouting in the back ground I'll give her money for a bigger room I want to be there. So I ended the phone call. He sent me a text to say how I was pathetic ive hurt my sister and to not include my nieces in the wedding im a vile person for doing that.
This obviously has called a massive family argument. But I'm torn on what to do shall I stick to my guns? ( I originally said my nieces and her partner can be in the wedding photos after the ceremony outside so they don't feel totally excluded) or shall I cave in and get a bigger room because I obviously can't oust my OH 3 siblings.

Sadly I think OP has walked straight into a trap. This abusive man has already started to isolate the sister by not allowing her to go anywhere with the baby without him. He now has the perfect excuse to escalate his behaviour "your family hates me"

If you don't want to cut your sis off accept she can't make the ceremony but let them come to the party. If he behaves badly everyone will see him for who he is.

The guy is clearly a cock and it doesn't bode well for your sister I'm afraid.

However.

You think that nobody else has a problem with this and indeed the wives are "grateful" for the time to prepare. Well I call bullshit on that being their true feelings. If DH's sibling got married and I was NFI then I would be very hurt. I wouldn't say anything to the bride and indeed given we are polite and British and generally want to avoid hurting others even if hurt ourselves, I could envisage saying "oh yes of course that will give us time to prepare, haha, marvellous" but I wouldn't forget this. So just don't assume everyone else is as happy with the arrangements as you assume.

Get her the room she's your sister you'll regret it sorry.

Clacks makes a good point.

"time to prepare" yeah right. They are being nice because most people are nice.

You are getting it easy because you're having a saintly MN tiny wedding. But in the real world, you're hosting people and dumping your siblings' spouses and your nieces and nephews is odd.

The spouses aren't glad you've given them extra time to get ready (what would that even mean - are they ogres?!). Most people who know you will think you're precious and selfish to prioritise a tiny room over your brothers and sisters in law, and your nieces and nephews. By all means have a tiny wedding but immediate family should mean immediate family. If you really don't care about them just elope.

But don't worry, everybody will be too polite to tell you you're being odd and Bridezilla.

I feel sorry for your sister OP. She's between a rock and a hard place.

I feel sorry for the sister too Kitty for the same reason.

I think people are being unfair to OP though, everyone seemed happy with the arrangements and agreed to the numbers until sister's bf threw a spanner in the works last minute.

You simply cannot keep everyone happy re weddings. Whether they are huge, medium, tiny, wherever, whenever they are. It's a balancing act to try and have the kind of wedding you want while wanting everyone else to have a great time and not put them out in any way.

My wedding was all about giving everyone a great party - we had a paid bar, it was in our home town, we kept speeches and ceremony short and sweet, we asked for no gifts, we put most of our budget into great food and drink, rather than my dress or cars etc.

We still 'upset' three people. One for not inviting a daughter we didn't know existed, one for not inviting the wife he'd just split up with and one who complained afterwards about it being over two levels and having lots of stairs (the man in question was an able bodied 35!). Most people had a whale of a time though!!

I think calling OP a bridezilla and 'odd' actually puts you in a bad light TonyDanza (though your nickname is beyond genius).

If this happened with DH's family then I would feel put out. But I wouldn't be majorly upset if all the partners and kids weren't invited. I'd put it down to each to their own, not what I'd do, etc but I'd only feel excluded if I were the only partner not invited.

The same would apply if my family invited other partners and not DH, I'd be angry at them for it. If no partners were invited I'd suck it up and assess whether going was feasible.

FWIW we did have an exclusion thing happen with regards to a gathering, my DH was invited but someone's newish DP wasn't - their argument was that they knew DH and our DC well whereas they'd never met the newish DP and limited numbers/money/etc. Argument only stopped when DH couldn't get time off work and MIL took my DC for me. The resentment is apparently still there.

Was you invited to their wedding and how many people did they invite. They may find what you are doing strange. Her husband see's himself as part of the family. The fact he is offering to help you out with a bigger room say's a lot. I am working out who is more stubborn you or him. Someone in the family wants to come to your wedding is that not a compliment.

"I wouldn't say anything to the bride and indeed given we are polite and British and generally want to avoid hurting others even if hurt ourselves, I could envisage saying "oh yes of course that will give us time to prepare, haha, marvellous" but I wouldn't forget this. So just don't assume everyone else is as happy with the arrangements as you assume."

I love this comment it is so true people in this country will smile to your face as soon as your back is turned they are bitching about you. Her husband has bollocks to say how he feels none of them are going to say anything to you their just gonna smile at you and ask how it went. They wont tell you how they feel. If your breath stinks that night do you think any of them will tell you they will whisper it to someone else.

We had a very small wedding when we got married, 24 in total including us, but it literally would not have crossed my mind not to invite my siblings wives/husbands/partners (or their children). If I'd been invited to a siblings wedding without my husband & kids, I simply wouldn't have gone. Given that weddings are about family & creating new/enlarged families., the no kids rules at some peoples weddings is also bizarre to me.

I've seen a similar situation before. A friend (S) was getting married and our mutual friend (M) was chief bridesmaid. Unfortunately M has a DP exactly like your BIL. My boyfriend and I made it our mission to babysit him for the day to try to give her some space. He wanted to drive to the park where they were getting photos taken so he could watch, tried to insist that M not sit at the top table and with him instead etc. Even with us keeping a leash on him, he managed to start a huge row with M in the carpark which the hotel manager got involved in.

Do not let this man near your wedding...he will start a row.

Let your sister know you'd like her at the wedding, or they can come to the party, but that's all.
I hope it all works out.

I had a tiny wedding. I could have 4-5 guests/witnesses. I invited DM,Dsis x2 and my DD. Second Dsis said if her DH and kids couldn't come then she wasn't gonna turn up. So I said ok and she didn't come. End of. No-one else gets to dictate your wedding. If they can't suck it up while you just have a quick, intimate ceremony (with no kids running around) then that's that. I class immediate family as parents and siblings.

Also your BIL sounds abusive I agree, keep an eye on your Dsis

Back down and say you'd love to see her at the party if she feels she can't come to the wedding. That you were disappointed but shouldn't have lashed out in the way you did.
At least that's a compromise.

Kungfu I hope your wedding goes well.

You've every right to want your day how you want it. No one is entitled to be at your big day unless you want them there.

If you've already decided to tell your sis she is welcome at the evening party with here family, I totally agree with that and that is what i would do in your shoes. Also, if you can I'd try and meet her for a cuppa, unless she lives miles away. I'd apologuise for overreacting and saying she could not come to the party unless she can to the service. I;d remind her what she said "... my sister agreed at the start she was fine with the plans her words " would be nice to spend an hour alone with the ones I grew up with..." And I'd tell her how much I wanted her to be there, both for the ceremony and the party but that whichever she came to, I would be delighted to see her.

I'd probably try not to get too aught up in comments on her partner, he sounds awful and now they have a baby together he may be in her life for a long time, although hopefully she will see sense and things will change. You and your mum and other siblings will be a lifeline for her so try and be loving and close and not allow this awful man to spoil either your special day or your special relationship with your sister.

Mayby the fact she wanted photos on her kids on the special day may be something that lures her back, but of course really it will be because she cares about you.

I agree with Across the pond pages back, position him in photos where you can photoshop him out and whatever else good advice she gave.

Good luck, enjoy your special day.

Was you invited to their wedding and how many people did they invite. They may find what you are doing strange. Her husband see's himself as part of the family. The fact he is offering to help you out with a bigger room say's a lot. I am working out who is more stubborn you or him. Someone in the family wants to come to your wedding is that not a compliment.

Did you bother to read more than the op? They aren't married, have been together less than a yr, he is abusive & controlling (hence the offer to pay for a bigger room, so he can be there to make sure his gf "behaves"), and up until very recently, the sister had NO problems with how the op was arranging her wedding.

Add to that, he won't even look after his girlfriends older children, so no, he isn't actually part of any family.