Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just swallow my pride?

166 replies

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 12:30

I'm getting married in 3 weeks. Me and the OH want a small wedding but a large party. The wedding is 10 people so we have 5 guests each. I have 3 siblings and my Mum and Dad as guests and He has got his mum and dad and his 3 siblings.
My sister is currently with someone and has a new born baby with the new guy and 2 older children. I told my sister the wedding she is invited to but the party her children and partner and his family are welcome to the party. She was absolutely fine with this. Until last week - she rang to say unless her , partner and 3 children can attend she won't be coming but she will attend the party. I told her if she doesn't attend the wedding she is not welcome at the party.
She text today asking could my OH not drop his siblings for her children and partner (baby wouldn't need a seat so doesn't count as a person) I told her absolutely not her partner was shouting in the back ground I'll give her money for a bigger room I want to be there. So I ended the phone call. He sent me a text to say how I was pathetic ive hurt my sister and to not include my nieces in the wedding im a vile person for doing that.
This obviously has called a massive family argument. But I'm torn on what to do shall I stick to my guns? ( I originally said my nieces and her partner can be in the wedding photos after the ceremony outside so they don't feel totally excluded) or shall I cave in and get a bigger room because I obviously can't oust my OH 3 siblings.

OP posts:
CancelTheCheque · 09/05/2016 13:48

I would be tempted to reconnect with sis - apologise for the outburst and calmly explain that SHE is welcome with the kids but her partner is not, he is a stranger to you and he is making you uncomfortable and you would rather not be uncomfortable on your wedding day. I would also add that you understand if she does not want to go on these conditions (but you would be thrilled if she were there for you) and perhaps suggest meeting up to celebrate at a later date if she declines.

His behaviour is ridiculous, you shouldn't allow it to interfere. Plus, if people don't tolerate that kind of behaviour maybe sis will realise it's unacceptable.

SouperSal · 09/05/2016 13:48

Haven't RTFT but if you're getting married in the UK the ceremony must be open to anybody at all that wants to attend by law. You can't stop anybody attending.

Sundance01 · 09/05/2016 13:50

I agree with some of the others - lashing out - whilst understandable - has caused this to escalate.

Ring and apologise to your sister and tell her of course she and her family are welcome at the reception and no worries about the wedding and then say no more to anyone about it.

CocktailQueen · 09/05/2016 13:52

So your sister has been with this man for 11 months, they have a newborn baby, but you've only met him twice?

Yet then you say: My mums also concerned if he comes to the party it will no longer be mine and my DPs day he'll ruin it/steal the limelight which he had history for.

When does he have form for this, if you've only met him twice?

I can't imagine not wanting my niece and nephew at my wedding. If your sister has a baby with this guy, it makes him more than a bf, no matter how little you like him. if your sister is being controlled by him, keep communication open between you in case she needs to talk to you.

Awkward.

CocktailQueen · 09/05/2016 13:52

My mum means now this massive argument has taken place if he comes he will do something for revenge ruin the day etc. he's like that.

How do you know?

DailyFaily · 09/05/2016 13:54

Out of interest, are your children coming to the wedding? I know you haven't mentioned your kids but I'm assuming there is at least one as you mentioned having a childminder?

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 13:55

cocktail because my family are around him quite a lot and ive heard some stuff from my sister about his revenge stories [whether they are true or not I dont know] and she laughs like its normal. So I think I need to grow some lady balls apologise for being a nob and put the invite back for the party. Thankyou Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 13:57

daily yes my child is attending but doesn't count as a person because they have to sit on somebody's lap.

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 09/05/2016 14:01

TBH I think it's a bit strange to have such a small wedding that family members can't be there. The actual wedding ceremony is MUCH more important than the party. What about your OH's siblings, do they have partners? I would feel a bit funny about not inviting partners.

Is there a reason why you can only have 10 people? Is the room really tiny?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/05/2016 14:01

You can't stop anybody attending
A venue can absolutely limit numbers under health and safety regs

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 14:06

dancer I don't have much family and nor does my partner. Think it would be a reminder of we had a lot of empty chairs that ones that we loved can't attend because they are no longer around. We also wanted an intimate wedding so we could look back on the day and have fond memories. Not point at the wedding pictures and be like " oh there's barbara can't stand her now " or " which partner of my sister/brother was that again?"

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 09/05/2016 14:11

Oh I see. So they're partners 'for now' rather than long term relationships? Yes that makes a difference and I can see your reasoning.

But what about your nieces? Wouldn't you want them at the ceremony?

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 14:15

I have to be a bit vague for certain reasons but all I can say is my sister has a niche for picking the wrong men this has reflected on the girls at times and caused problems with school which means they can't have unexplained abcenses or any kind of leniency on their attendance and the wedding takes place when they are in school but they finish school while the ceremony is still taking place. If that makes sense? I can't fully explain without revealing too much and it isn't my personal life to reveal

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/05/2016 14:15

You've gotten very good advice, tell sis she's welcome to the wedding as per your original plans and leave the rest up to her.

I have only two pieces of advice;

Try to position knobhead in any pictures in such a way that it will be easy to photoshop him out. I have a feeling I hope he won't be around permanently.

Try to keep your relationship with your sister as close as you can. She will need you badly at some point.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 09/05/2016 14:16

The actual wedding ceremony is MUCH more important than the party.

I didn't view it like that for my wedding - the party was definitely prioritised :)

Thurlow · 09/05/2016 14:19

YANBU, he's being an arse, though I feel sorry for all of you having to cope with that twunt in the family.

Am I the only person who noticed this gem earlier? in fairness I didn't permit partners at my wedding unless engaged. (One of them did propose and got an invite 2 days later!). Might have been different if they'd had a child, though.

Really? No invites unless that were engaged? Shock

princessmi12 · 09/05/2016 14:26

URBU..your bloody Bridezilla
kiddy ban is one thing but DP AND kiddy ban WILL cause arguments and tention in wider family ..It amazes me how people like you don't see it coming then complain

1horatio · 09/05/2016 14:27

It's obviously your right to "ban" unwanted family members from attending the ceremony (or to just not invite them). But saying that she wasn't welcome at the party...?
What about saying that they're all welcome at the party, that your sister (not the rest of her family) is still welcome to attend the ceremony and that you really want her to come...?

It's obviously your decision. But tbh, I would have been heartbroken if my little sister didn't attend my wedding... Even if I absolutely hated her DP.

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 14:29

princess bridezilla ban? Oh Ok I forgot you know the whole situation. So that makes me a bridezilla for wanting the wedding day how me and DP want it? Then I will take that title.

OP posts:
youshouldcancelthecheque · 09/05/2016 14:30

I would sit down and chat to your DSIS about this and try to make it about what makes it easier for her, she has just had a baby, her hormones are all over the place and her OH sounds like a piece of work.

Your comments about how her OH has form for causing a drama and the fact they have been together long enough to grow a baby means that he isn't just recently on the scene and due to the baby won't be a temporary fixture in your sisters life.

samG76 · 09/05/2016 14:34

Thurlow - the "no invites unless engaged" rule seemed a reasonable way to distinguish partners for now from long term relationships. Had they had children it might have been different, but none of them did.

Chlobee87 · 09/05/2016 14:37

Did I read it correctly that some of the siblings you've invited have actually got husbands/wives who are not invited? So not just casual bf/gf situations. Actual lifelong partners.

If so I think it's a bloody miracle that you've only fallen out with one of them. I would never attend a wedding that my DH wasn't invited to, no matter who's it was and I know he would feel the same. For it to even be suggested would make a big difference in my relationship with the bride and groom because they've essentially said that one of you is unimportant to them.

Each to their own and it's your wedding but honestly, I'd count yourself lucky because this could have gone down a lot worse and you should have anticipated some friction with at least some of the guests.

TheNaze73 · 09/05/2016 14:38

YANBU, your sister however, is being a complete cock.

princessmi12 · 09/05/2016 14:38

Op
Whole situation doesn't matter
By not inviting sis' DP you ARE disrespecting him and also her choice of a partner.
If you entertain the idea of you sis not being at your wedding/party you are not a nice person,end of it.
Why don't you get a life instead of making issues out of nothing but a whim...wedding is just a single day but Sis and her DP could be for life.If you worried about it being not "perfect" you ARE Bridzilla!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/05/2016 14:39

Stick to your guns, Kungfu, re-invite your sister to the party and tell her that you hope she'll be there at your wedding because you want her there. Don't back down on anything else.

Her 'partner' is nothing to you and their having a child together doesn't cement him into your family either.

Swipe left for the next trending thread