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Original poster

Should I just swallow my pride?

166 replies

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 12:30

I'm getting married in 3 weeks. Me and the OH want a small wedding but a large party. The wedding is 10 people so we have 5 guests each. I have 3 siblings and my Mum and Dad as guests and He has got his mum and dad and his 3 siblings.
My sister is currently with someone and has a new born baby with the new guy and 2 older children. I told my sister the wedding she is invited to but the party her children and partner and his family are welcome to the party. She was absolutely fine with this. Until last week - she rang to say unless her , partner and 3 children can attend she won't be coming but she will attend the party. I told her if she doesn't attend the wedding she is not welcome at the party.
She text today asking could my OH not drop his siblings for her children and partner (baby wouldn't need a seat so doesn't count as a person) I told her absolutely not her partner was shouting in the back ground I'll give her money for a bigger room I want to be there. So I ended the phone call. He sent me a text to say how I was pathetic ive hurt my sister and to not include my nieces in the wedding im a vile person for doing that.
This obviously has called a massive family argument. But I'm torn on what to do shall I stick to my guns? ( I originally said my nieces and her partner can be in the wedding photos after the ceremony outside so they don't feel totally excluded) or shall I cave in and get a bigger room because I obviously can't oust my OH 3 siblings.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 09/05/2016 17:13

princess they're not much of a family unit if he refuses to look after the children who aren't his. The only thing that's 19th century about this is accepting his cuntish behaviour as fine and those people who can't attend events without their OH.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/05/2016 17:16

Upsil, OP acknowledges that, she was angry and is re-inviting her sister. She says so, ^^, several time now.

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 17:18

upsil another one who hasn't bothered to read it all. It has nothing to do with my sister new baby it's him pulling strings. He shouted in the background he'd buy a bigger room he wants to be there. As I've also said she's not allowed to take baby out without him. It's not just she said she's not coming and I had a tantrum , she first asked me to get rid of my partners siblings to make room. When I refused they offered to buy a bigger room - I refused and now she's said well I'm not attending if DP can't come. It has nothing to do with the children what so ever.

OP posts:
StrictlyMumDancing · 09/05/2016 17:21

I think had the sister said she wasn't comfortable leaving her newborn even with her DP for a short amount of time, then this argument wouldn't have happened. The OP has also said their DC is going but won't take up a space as they will be on a lap - this same sentiment could be applied to the newborn, she could have just asked for the newborn to come. But said she's said she wants her partner and all 3 kids invited - that is not the same issue at all. She's also later come on and suggested the OPs DH's family should be cast aside for hers - again, that's not someone who has an issue with leaving their newborn.

I know if it were my DH, and this was the plan all along but I'd gotten uncomfy at leaving my newborn, he would come and sit with DC outside so I wasn't too separated and the wishes of the couple were still being respected.

Headofthehive55 · 09/05/2016 17:22

Reading your original post, you didn't want partner to feel "totally excluded" but clearly excluded a bit, by your own admission.

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 17:22

The if DP can't come im not coming felt almost blackmail I think she thought I'd say Ok! He can come I will sort something out but it backfired. All I can do is give her back the option of the night party

OP posts:
RiverTam · 09/05/2016 17:27

Of course he's blackmailing you, that's how these cunts roll. Expect more of the same when your sister wakes up to what he is, I'll bet he'll be threatening suicide and all the rest of it if she dares to leave him.

Headofthehive55 · 09/05/2016 17:29

rivertam I certainly don't think I am 19th century by refusing to attend weddings without my DH. I can attend, I just choose not to. when someone says do you want to do this, or that, you choose don't you?
So I can have a night with DH or go to a wedding alone, hmm. Easy. Night with DH.

RiverTam · 09/05/2016 17:30

I have every night with DH. I am capable of spending time apart from him, and guess what! It can be lots of fun.

Headofthehive55 · 09/05/2016 17:43

Well lucky for you. I do not have every night with DH, so the time together is rather precious.

I also don't drink, not interested in disco dancing, and am rather hard of hearing, meaning that in evening reception type places I am reliant on lip reading which gets tiring.
We do go out dancing which we love, but mine requires a partner!

Just pointing out that some people have very different circumstances - and interests and it's not 19th century, or to be sneered at.

RiverTam · 09/05/2016 17:58

Fair enough. Do you know that any of your particular circumstances are what's going on here? Given that the OP's sister's initial response was positive to this idea?

Headofthehive55 · 09/05/2016 18:20

No idea. I just get annoyed when I hear things like "you never know you might just have fun" as if I don't normally! I just choose different ways of having fun.

RiverTam · 09/05/2016 18:35

Sure, I get that, but if your set of circumstances bear absolutely no relation to what is going on with the OP, then it's kind of irrelevant, wouldn't you say? This isn't about you!

Headofthehive55 · 09/05/2016 18:51

No it isn't about me, but I wanted to outline that people see things differently, for all sorts of reasons. And they don't always share that info.

She can go to the wedding - she is choosing not to. Different reasons to me perhaps, she will have her own. But they are her reasons, and therefore valid. It's not a summons!

YouSay · 09/05/2016 19:18

I wouldn't leave my newborn at that age so I wouldn't go.

LagunaBubbles · 09/05/2016 20:16

Whether you would go to a wedding without your partner is just another example of people being different, there is no right or wrong. I have never seen someone who wouldn't go without their partner look down or lecture someone who would but I've seen plenty the other way round. I'm more than capable of going out without DH, and the implication here a lot of the time is there is something a bit soft if not, I just don't want to, I wouldn't go to a wedding without him as it would be a rare night out for us and I wouldn't enjoy it without him. Maybe OPs sister feels the same. Or maybe her partner has "forbidden" her to go without him, which seems quite likely.

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 20:30

yousay if she said that was the reason I would of taken it on the chin but it has nothing to do with her baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 20:35

laguna exactly my point it's him. Obviously I was a twat and I will put that straight but I'm scared damage is done and he's already started the stirring. She is very easily led and brain washed but all I can do is apologise and try.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 09/05/2016 20:38

It must be so frustrating kungfupanda, the only thing you can do is be there for her when it (inevitably) goes wrong.

Chlobee87 · 09/05/2016 21:34

headofthehive I'm with you totally. It's got bollock all to do with being unable to attend an event without your DH or DP and I also resent the comment from the PP who said it was "19th century". Fucking ridiculous. I do lots of things without my DH. We are not glued together. What I absolutely would never do is attend an event, hosted by my own family(!), where the person hosting wants to airbrush him out of our family as though he doesn't exist. How utterly hurtful and insulting. I get that the sister's partner is a knob and there are other issues, but the previous comment about people being unable to attend events without their OH being 19th century did not appear to be aimed at that couple in particular.

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 21:48

Chloe he wasn't airbrushed out of the event. He was invited too the party and HIS family. If he's that precious and thinks the world revolves around him he can sod off! I've said plenty of times nobody else had a problem with our plans , but he's obviously been nagging as times gone on. I don't get what he thinks my sister could possibly do in that short time she wasn't under his watchful eye.

OP posts:
Gide · 09/05/2016 21:57

I don't think you can do any more, kungfu. If he's being an arse and now she is, they're the ones who will lose out. I always say do what you want at your wedding, I wish I bloody had.

Whocansay · 09/05/2016 22:02

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your sister about how you feel. Apologise for overacting and reinstate the original invitation to her.

I wouldn't invite him though. To any of it. He sounds like the sort who would enjoy spoiling your wedding to make a point. Fuck him. It's your day.

I hope it all goes well. Flowers

CancelTheCheque · 09/05/2016 22:03

Maybe he's just trying to put a wedge between you. Kicking up a fuss at the last minute sure sounds suspicious.

magoria · 09/05/2016 22:15

I would tell your DS you love her, you still want her to come and watch you get married however her DP is, as before, like all the rest of the partners invited to the evening do only.

And that you will be there for her if she ever needs you.

If she chooses not to come that is then her decision.

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