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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I just swallow my pride?

166 replies

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 12:30

I'm getting married in 3 weeks. Me and the OH want a small wedding but a large party. The wedding is 10 people so we have 5 guests each. I have 3 siblings and my Mum and Dad as guests and He has got his mum and dad and his 3 siblings.
My sister is currently with someone and has a new born baby with the new guy and 2 older children. I told my sister the wedding she is invited to but the party her children and partner and his family are welcome to the party. She was absolutely fine with this. Until last week - she rang to say unless her , partner and 3 children can attend she won't be coming but she will attend the party. I told her if she doesn't attend the wedding she is not welcome at the party.
She text today asking could my OH not drop his siblings for her children and partner (baby wouldn't need a seat so doesn't count as a person) I told her absolutely not her partner was shouting in the back ground I'll give her money for a bigger room I want to be there. So I ended the phone call. He sent me a text to say how I was pathetic ive hurt my sister and to not include my nieces in the wedding im a vile person for doing that.
This obviously has called a massive family argument. But I'm torn on what to do shall I stick to my guns? ( I originally said my nieces and her partner can be in the wedding photos after the ceremony outside so they don't feel totally excluded) or shall I cave in and get a bigger room because I obviously can't oust my OH 3 siblings.

OP posts:

MLGs · 09/05/2016 13:05

They sound awful re the shouting in the background and text etc.

I do think you should have said fine to her just coming to the party though, as not worth the fight.

It does strike me as partner not wanting to look after the kids or give her any break which would annoy me.

Original poster

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 13:08

That's why I posted on here maybe I have been a bit rash but then it's absolutley broke my heart she agreed to everything helped me plan bits of the wedding , got excited with me over certain secrets happening at the party. For her to reject to come to my wedding, all to appease her partner. That's what I mean I don't know whether to swallow my pride and allow them at the party but I don't know if I would be able to refrain from throwing ice cubes at her DP head secretly

OP posts:

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 09/05/2016 13:12

Of course you oust your OH's siblings. It's a case of the new partner not wanting your sis to be out of his sight, and attend something without him, do you think? Your dsis's partner has behaved outrageously, and for that, I think you have to stick to your guns. You cannot be bullied by him.

I'd actually be really upset if my sis excluded my dc from wedding plans, but as this rule is the same for everyone, and you've planned a tiny wedding party with a big party for everyone afterwards, YANBU.

Awful situation - do you think your dsis actually won't come to the wedding at all?

RiverTam · 09/05/2016 13:14

I would actually reinstate the invite to the party. Remember that this arsehole will want to separate your sister from her family, and make him 150% dependant on him, and him alone. Don't let him. But equally stick to your guns with regard to the wedding itself.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 09/05/2016 13:15

Oh sorry, I think I misunderstood. I would let her come to the party, even if she didn't come to the ceremony. Only for the sake of family relations though. I'd be about the whole thing.

It would be a "Fine! Come to the party, and miss the ceremony then, if that's what you want" type thing.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 09/05/2016 13:15

In the circumstances, I'd stick to my guns over the original 10 but apologise for saying she couldn't come to the party, I know you said it in anger and frustration but that is BU. You clearly would need to invite the partners/children of all the other siblings if you broke your plans for BIL. Is it just a short service and then party straight after?

My sister could only afford a small wedding/meal so that part of the wedding was her and her DH, both sets of parents and their witnesses. The rest of the family went along to see them come out and booked a meal at a local Italian before the party. There's no need to fall out about this really.

xandra588 · 09/05/2016 13:18

Don't let the kids come if you don't want them to come. Girl, this is YOUR day, ppl have to deal with it.

Charlesroi · 09/05/2016 13:20

From the things you have written it looks like your sis's 'D'P is making her life hell over this. He sounds like a twat, to be honest.

I think you have to stick to your guns, but please don't fall out with sis over this. Something tells me she's going to need you ...

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 09/05/2016 13:20

Oh for fucks sake. What is it about other people's weddings that makes people so entitled? For what its worth, I did the same as you, except we only had four guests, our parents, and then a party after with our siblings and friends. None of our siblings were twats about not coming to the ceremony. That bit was only 10 mins anyway! Its your wedding, other people are over complicating it!

Original poster

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 13:21

I obviously want her there for both but I simply know that isn't going to happen. I think it's the fact if I back down it's like HE has won and in a weird way feel as if he's almost controlled me. She can't go anywhere without him being stood there , no phone conversation without him listening. It's taking its toll on the whole family and we have tried to be there but it's like I said it feels if we constantly back down to him he isn't just controlling her but the whole family.

OP posts:

cheapandcheerful · 09/05/2016 13:21

Your way of lashing out??? Because she feel like she's not yet ready to leave her newborn?

Have my first ever

Original poster

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 13:23

My mums also concerned if he comes to the party it will no longer be mine and my DPs day he'll ruin it/steal the limelight which he had history for. So do you think I should just swallow my pride and say they can come to the party but obviously not the wedding due there being no room

OP posts:

Original poster

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 13:24

cheep you quite clearly have not read any of this. Have one back

OP posts:

RiverTam · 09/05/2016 13:30

Yes, I can see why you'd feel that he's controlling everything. It's very hard, because you can't exclude him without excluding her and she needs you. It's a kind of trying not to cut off your nose to spite your face situation. What a mess. What a cunt. How has he managed to weasel his way into her life like this, in less than a year?

I don't suppose there's any way of speaking to your sister alone, is there?

Charlesroi · 09/05/2016 13:30

I think - for your sister - you have to reinstate the party invite. You'll be in her life a lot longer than he will.

Lemonade1 · 09/05/2016 13:30

Gosh what a predicament. I agree with all the posters who said it was unreasonable of you to say sister couldn't come to the party. But you've admitted that. I'd phone and say you are terribly upset that you have fallen out over this. You love her and want her at the wedding but understand if she will only come to the party. Say you can't back down about her oh and kids coming for various reasons. That's all you can do really. Don't have him there, he will do or say something to marr the day.

Headofthehive55 · 09/05/2016 13:31

It's up to her is she comes to the wedding itself. Why on earth do you want photos of people who were not at the wedding? (Your nieces) here is a picture of you at the wedding you didn't attend!

Guests are not bit part actors that you instruct but people in their own right. You may dislike her DP, but she may dislike yours. Irrelevant.

The wedding is the important bit - the actual wedding. She is entitled to decide which part of the invite she wishes to accept. You are entitled to choose whether to invite her or not, but your demands on not attending the after party, if she doesn't come to the wedding sounds petty and mean.

cheapandcheerful · 09/05/2016 13:31

I have read the thread and I'm sorry but I still think YABU. It sounds like she made a polite request which you declined by 'lashing out'. I appreciate that her dp didn't handle it in the best way but perhaps he was sticking up for your poor dsis who had just managed to inadvertently get banned from her sister's wedding party.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 09/05/2016 13:32

But then, you aren't really backing down if you look at it from the other point of view. Your original plan was that they were all coming to the party anyway, It's just that your sister wont be at the ceremony. It doesn't sound like she bears a grudge at you for what you are doing, but instead is a bit disappointed at her whole family not being there. I guess she probably wanted more of a role for her children and was looking forward to showing them off. She can obviously still do that as part of the party.

I wouldn't worry about bil trying to overtake the party - Just make sure you have other people primed to keep him under wraps - your other siblings and DHs siblings and whoever is running the entertainment/venue staff etc.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 09/05/2016 13:33

I'd also leave it open enough that your sister could still come to the ceremony if she'd like to - can she bring the baby to that?

DailyFaily · 09/05/2016 13:36

I think if you want to maintain a relationship with your DS you should reinstate the invitation to the party, and I would also make a point of saying that you would still love her to be at the ceremony and her seat will be there if she changes her mind. And have the rest of your family on standby to deal with the partner if he is a pain during the reception. He sounds vile.

Original poster

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 13:38

My sister was actually quite excited to attend the wedding without the children as they would be in school. The only thing my sister requested was could they be in photos as the view at the venue is lovely more so for her private collection than me using them as a prop
The original plan was for her DP to have baby then meet at the party as he wont let her go to functions or places with baby without him present
He just has dropped posion in. This has been the plan for 6+ months it wasn't just sprung on her. I've admitted I acted irrationally but j thought if I acted petty shed see how petty she was acting. I know not very mature but in the heat of the moment emotions get the better

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/05/2016 13:39

But he was originally invited to the party no? I would totally stick to your guns about the wedding ceremony and rescind the ban on them attending the party. Just apologise and say that you over-reacted because you were so hurt that she would miss it to appease the cock she is with.

emmalimesmom · 09/05/2016 13:40

call his buff and hire the most exspensive castle room you can find cos hes paying

Original poster

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 13:43

tread he was even his family was invited to the party! My mum means now this massive argument has taken place if he comes he will do something for revenge ruin the day etc. he's like that.

OP posts:

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