Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just swallow my pride?

166 replies

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 12:30

I'm getting married in 3 weeks. Me and the OH want a small wedding but a large party. The wedding is 10 people so we have 5 guests each. I have 3 siblings and my Mum and Dad as guests and He has got his mum and dad and his 3 siblings.
My sister is currently with someone and has a new born baby with the new guy and 2 older children. I told my sister the wedding she is invited to but the party her children and partner and his family are welcome to the party. She was absolutely fine with this. Until last week - she rang to say unless her , partner and 3 children can attend she won't be coming but she will attend the party. I told her if she doesn't attend the wedding she is not welcome at the party.
She text today asking could my OH not drop his siblings for her children and partner (baby wouldn't need a seat so doesn't count as a person) I told her absolutely not her partner was shouting in the back ground I'll give her money for a bigger room I want to be there. So I ended the phone call. He sent me a text to say how I was pathetic ive hurt my sister and to not include my nieces in the wedding im a vile person for doing that.
This obviously has called a massive family argument. But I'm torn on what to do shall I stick to my guns? ( I originally said my nieces and her partner can be in the wedding photos after the ceremony outside so they don't feel totally excluded) or shall I cave in and get a bigger room because I obviously can't oust my OH 3 siblings.

OP posts:
Primaryteach87 · 09/05/2016 15:17

I think yabu. It's fine not to invite the children to the wedding but you can't be surprised when she says she's not able to come to that bit. You should have taken that graciously and said you totally understand and you'll look forward to seeing all of them at the party.

ExConstance · 09/05/2016 15:19

Last time!!!! The nieces are excluded because they will be at school, they will come to the end of the school day before the ceremony ends and could go along for photos. There is nothing wrong at all with a small ceremony for 10. My brother in law had one for 6 and DH (his brother) and I were not invited but we went to the party. If DH had been invited I'd have been more than happy for him to go on his own.

TheNaze73 · 09/05/2016 15:22

samG76 What kick up the backside, were you trying to give them after a few months? I'm lost & easily confused Confused

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 15:24

So it seems for future reference when people are planning a wedding go against what you want and suit everybody else wishes got it. It just seems a lot of you have read parts and made assumptions. If you read the other siblings who have partners where totally fine to not attend because they get to sort and prep everything out for them to get to the wedding. Once again my sister agreed at the start she was fine with the plans her words " would be nice to spend an hour alone with the ones I grew up with "

OP posts:
Thurlow · 09/05/2016 15:24

we thought their DP could do with a kick up the backside.

Confused What, you thought they needed help proposing?

(Apologises for derailing the thread!)

SouperSal · 09/05/2016 15:31

Truthfully, I would rather half of the people at our wedding hadn't been there, but it was important to DH/DH's family that they were. Over a decade later I can't say it bothers me.

Relatives on my side (that I hadn't seen for well over 10 years and had never met DH) took umbridge at being invited to the evening only. Frankly they needed to put the effort in before!

I wouldn't have excluded anyone's partner though, even those I'd never met!

Chlobee87 · 09/05/2016 15:32

KungFu you sound irritated that some people do not agree with you. If you ask for opinions then you need to be prepared for some people to have a different opinion from yours.

The other siblings may have been fine about it, but I still stand by my point that you're very lucky it was only the one couple who had an issue. DH and I have 9 siblings between us. If we had not invited their spouses and children then there would have been absolute uproar and I know that the vast majority of them would have been very hurt. That's why I think you are lucky that it's only your sister and her DP who have an issue with it.

samG76 · 09/05/2016 15:35

Thurlow/the Naze - that's correct. We wanted to welcome the DPs as incoming family members on the basis that they did the decent thing. Both couples still together and happy after more than 10 years, so I'm sure they weren't bounced into anything. Just a "nudge", really, to use the popular term.

1horatio · 09/05/2016 15:36

I personally like that you just invite the immediate family... :)

I have soooo many aunts/cousins/uncles/2nd cousins etc. Doing what you're planning to do would have been nice.

You do you :) I'd just tell your sister that she's still invited to the ceremony and that her family is welcome to attend the party. If you fear that her OH would be rude (or anything) you could even apologise? A lie like that would be absolutely justified in my opinion.

EarthboundMisfit · 09/05/2016 15:36

I think you've both been unreasonable, tbh, although I see both your perspectives. Your real mistake was saying she wasn't welcome at the party if she didn't come to the wedding. Not sure where yoiu go from here.

Original poster
Kungfupandaworksout16 · 09/05/2016 15:46

a lot of people are getting off track from what my OP was about. I wasn't asking an AIBU towards how many guests are attending , or my nieces and nephews not attending the ceremony or AIBU for not accepting my sisters partner.

No I'm not annoyed. People are allowed opinions , it's just tiring when people are making unjustified comments without reading properly! I know I'm in the wrong for saying no go to the party but all I can do is put it back out there.

OP posts:
StrictlyMumDancing · 09/05/2016 15:50

You probably shouldn't have disinvited her from the party but I understand your frustrations, especially with someone trying to change something 3 weeks before the wedding and for your own sibling to not want to attend your wedding because all partner's aren't invited would massively rankle. Especially the latter thought process that your STBDH's family are worth less than hers.

If I were in your shoes I think I would now contact sister and tell her she hurt me badly but I am sorry I disinvited her to the after party. The invite for her as original still stands, however given his reaction he is not welcome at all unless he apologises, and even then not to the wedding. If he doesn't want to apologise and she chooses to boycott the wedding then I'd be deeply saddened but that's her choice entirely.

Then leave the ball in her court.

EarthboundMisfit · 09/05/2016 15:51

I wouldn't be changing my plans, but I'd let it go if she just wanted to attend the party.

Headofthehive55 · 09/05/2016 16:09

Perhaps she felt differently on having a new baby. I remember being excited about lots of plans, then had a baby and was less interested in them. I also felt it more necessary to have DH around on days out.

I would have felt very hurt and excluded if my DH sister got married and I was not invited. It would bother me, and I would express that - not to the bride, but to DH. I know my DH and he wouldn't go. It would be like I had been told I was not really part of the family, which would be odd, as being married does mean you are "one ".

It's up to you who to invite of course, but family rows tend to linger.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/05/2016 16:30

But Headofthehive, OP's sister isn't married to her partner, it's a relatively short relationship albeit there's now a baby involved - and he's a controlling knob. It's not really the same as your scenario.

Headofthehive55 · 09/05/2016 16:37

I get that they are not married, but some people do choose not to marry, or marry when it's convenient. I can see that some partners, especially if they also have children, are in a long term relationship and I don't think they should be treated so differently.

Keely93 · 09/05/2016 16:42

Wouldn't bother me if my DP's family had a wedding I wasn't invited to and then I got invited to the night do.
The other guests and their partners/wives/husbands have obviously been okay with it, so he whom by the sounds of it has been in the family less time than anyone else should deal with it, I don't mean he has to be happy about it, but deal. It's your wedding and you can have as many or as little as you want. I only want a little wedding too, I'm sure it will cause drama, but tough, if it suits me and dp then that's what matters.

I probably would have said something that sounded spiteful too in a moment of madness, if she's been fine with it before it's a bit late to kick up a fuss now isn't it??

Stick to your guns. And remember what you and husband to be say goes! Rein it's her to the party and explain you'd love your sister at the ceremony but if she won't fine. X

princessmi12 · 09/05/2016 16:44

What difference does it make her sis is not married to DP? They have a baby and they are a family unit.
OP can get married in 3 weeks and divorce next year and Sis can never marry DP but stay with him for the rest of their lives!
Some people on this thread belong in 19 century..

Headofthehive55 · 09/05/2016 16:50

Some people are fine with it and some people won't be. Dealing with it sometimes has knock on effects I.e. Neither of them going. That's dealing with it, it doesn't mean you have to do what the B&G want, it means choosing the option available to you that you find most palatable.

We were invited to a wedding, evening only, without the children at Christmas. I wasn't happy about it, but dealt with it - by not going at all. Polite decline. No issues, just preferred to do something else that day.

BieneBiene · 09/05/2016 16:52

But he isn't the only one not invited. The other married siblings aren't either. He isn't being singled out so I don't see what the issue is?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/05/2016 16:53

Headofthehive yes, I do see what you mean, I'm just taking the OP literally as to how she feels about this man and the way he treats her sister. I wouldn't see him (or even hope to see him) as a long term prospect either.

It's his behaviour that makes him be treated differently, and the sister by extension as she's siding with him and acting as his mouthpiece when it's nothing to do with him, it's her sister's special day. OP's sister agreed to it in the first place too.

SurlyValentine · 09/05/2016 16:57

KungFu I think the only bit you should back down on is the invitation to the party for DSis, her 'D'P and the children. And I'd think hard about re-instating his invitation to be honest. You've said he won't look after your sister's elder children, only his own. Fair do's, he can stay at home with the baby while your sister and nieces enjoy the party! Grin

You've explained perfectly clearly why your nieces won't be at the ceremony but will be in the photos. No problem. All the logistics have been worked out.

So, all your DSis's partner needs to do is take care of his own baby for an hour/hour and a half while your sister is attending the ceremony, before the party later. And he's kicking off about it, demanding to be invited to the ceremony. Probably because he's upping the controlling, abusive behaviour to include your sister not being "allowed" to go anywhere without him, not just functions where she is taking their baby. Because he's a cockwomble.

Please try and sort this out with your sister - I think she'll need you very much in the not too distant future.

Headofthehive55 · 09/05/2016 17:05

You can make anyone sound dreadful - you see what you want to see.
She may have had second thoughts about it, now baby is here.

Of course she doesn't need to invite him - but the consequence might be none attendance from sis.

Makesomethingupyouprick · 09/05/2016 17:05

I understand you regret what you said but you've created this situation. Your sister said she wouldn't attend the wedding but would come to the party.

It doesn't sound like she was making any demands and you responded by saying she couldn't come to the party in that case.

I'd be really hurt if I was her and pissed off if I were her partner. Which is what has happened. I'd apologise and reinstate the party invite.

UpsiLondoes · 09/05/2016 17:13

So you have been planning this for 6 months while your sister was pregnant and she was excited.

Now that she has a newborn, she is uncomfortable leaving the newborn for an extended period and said she'll skip the ceremony and just come to the party after - and you've gone apeshit and said if she doesn't come to the ceremony too, she can't come at all?