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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me, or should this dinner lady be in a bit of trouble? Or am I just being over sensitive of DD?

176 replies

MilliesCookies1 · 08/05/2016 15:41

Using my sister's account (due to a technical reason) and I have already emailed HQ, so this is about my daughter, but her niece.

Anyway... DD is 10, year 5. She has been having some friendship problems. Her best friend has 2 other best friends. She fell out with her best friend as she wouldn't let my DD play this game with them. I said that making up would be the best as they have been friends for years. She went over to their lunch table, her best friend was sitting with her other 2 best friends; she asked if she could sit with them and they all said no and one girl was laughing at my DD (one of the best friends of her best friends) and my DD called her a bitch, I know that was completely unacceptable and I have told my DD about appropriate language now, she has had a punishment for that. However, the mother of the girl who she called a bitch, is a dinner lady/mid-day assistant. She came over and her DD told her that my DD had just called her a bitch, she giggles and said "don't worry girls, I think she's one" and all the girls laughed at my DD. I did ask for a meeting, as I don't think that was particularly fair of the dinner lady, I get my DD should have been told off for saying bitch, but I don't think the mother, who's a dinner lady should start implying my DD is too. They all admitted (even the dinner lady) that she had said everything my DD had claimed she had said. The head teacher looks at me and goes "there you go!" and that was it... No apology (my daughter had to apologise to the other girl) and nothing more was done... AIBU to think that isn't particularly fair? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Whatamuckingfuddle · 08/05/2016 19:33

Sorry, the first part there was 'lose their source of income'. Well done autocorrect

Naicehamshop · 08/05/2016 19:34

Very poor behaviour from the MDS. I do lunch duties and it is a nightmare sometimes but this is no excuse for the very poor judgement shown by this woman.
Don't leave it there OP - go back and complain; if you don't get an acceptable reply from the HT then speak to the governors.

Bitchqueen90 · 08/05/2016 19:37

How on earth can anyone justify the dinner lady's actions? She's an adult, she needs to behave like one! OP's dd is 10 years old, obviously the language is unacceptable but she's still a child. The adult in this situation should have responded like an adult.

LittleHouseOnTheShelf · 08/05/2016 20:00

No member of school staff should ever call a child a name like that. Ever. It's never justified.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/05/2016 20:04

How on earth can anyone justify the dinner lady's actions..
This is mumnet, Queen. Absolutely anything can happen. People never cease to amaze.

Lightbulbon · 08/05/2016 20:16

I'm surprised she's not been suspended pending investigation.

Can't teachers lose their registration over things like this?

Clare1971 · 08/05/2016 20:24

Am I reading this differently from everyone else? Your DD calls dinner lady's DD a bitch. Dinner lady laughs and says 'Don't worry girls, I think she's one.' Dinner lady is talking about her own daughter surely not your DD? Isn't she trying to make a joke of it by agreeing with your DD? This is still the wrong way to handle it, and unprofessional, but it might explain why, when she admitted to what she said, she expected you to be satisfied. I don't think she was calling your DD a bitch at all. Of course she shouldn't have used the word at all but could it have been her way of playing it down? Do you see what I mean? Am I crazy?

Original poster
MilliesCookies1 · 08/05/2016 20:27

Clare - she was talking to the girls - the 3 girls on the table and referring to my DD as the bitch, she said in the meeting that she didn't exactly call her a bitch, it was more so 'recycling her words'

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/05/2016 20:30

Do you know what Clare. You actually make a good point, but to ascertain who she meant. You'd have to have been there I suppose to hear her tone. 2 of the exact same sentences can have various different meanings, and intended targets, which can change dramatically through tone

Clare1971 · 08/05/2016 20:37

Millie in that case she was out of order. I don't think I'd lose too much sleep over it though. I'd tell DD that it wasn't a nice thing to say just as it wasn't nice of her to say it. The dinner lady might not have sounded repentant but she'll think twice next time.

Naicehamshop · 08/05/2016 21:14

That is not acceptable Clare - anyone who works in a school has a duty to behave in a certain way towards the children in their care. It is difficult enough to insist on fair and kind behaviour from children without an adult coming in, behaving appallingly, and not receiving any sanctions. That is very much undermining the work done by everyone else.

Clare1971 · 08/05/2016 21:38

I didn't say it was.

summerdreams · 08/05/2016 21:46

Yanbu

grinnerlynn · 09/05/2016 10:40

Reading it, I dont think she was calling your daughter a bitch, it sounds more like a jokey way of saying it about her own daughter.

Dinnerladys daughter says, your daughter called me a bitch, to which she responded with "don't worry girls, I think she's one"
I think the comment was aimed at her own daughter is reply to her daughter telling on your daughter.

hope all that makes sense lol

grinnerlynn · 09/05/2016 10:41

also you was not there, so to be honest you are only taking your daughters version that she was saying it to the three girls and not to all the girls as a group.
She shouldnt have said it full stop, but I honestly believe she was making a jokey come back at her own daughter,

alexhurton1994 · 09/05/2016 10:42

Your DD shouldn't have said it, but she is 10 and now knows that's wrong, but the dinner lady should know a lot better. She should have had a formal warning at least.

TransvisionTramp · 09/05/2016 10:52

Aside from the dinner lady being completely out of order, and needs to be taken to task about it.
During the meeting you had they all also acknowledged that bullying had taken place. The exclusion, the laughing. What is the Head Teacher doing about this?
It looks like your DD is the only person who's apologised, and admitted she was in the wrong here. I wouldn't be happy with this, at all.
Definitely take it further. If the Head does nothing, the next step is the Board of Governors.

middlings · 09/05/2016 10:53

Dinner lady was completely inappropriate and should apologise. My children are much younger than your daughter and if I say something inappropriate (DD1 has a big thing about the word "hate" at the moment), then I apologise to them! Same difference.

whois · 09/05/2016 10:59

School sounds a nightmare. Bullying being left unpunished. Adult calling a child a bitch and admitting it and nothing being done.

Katherine2626 · 09/05/2016 10:59

Not very grown up behaviour by dinner lady - maybe that's the example that her DD sees regularly and why she is nasty. Rise above it - give your DD the very best example of ignoring those who can't be friendly and prefer to be unkind. 'Heard somewhere that 'Other people's opinion of you is none of your business' - a very liberating remark; sets you free from the less than lovely personalities among us. People are vocally unkind to try to upset you - if they don't succeed the loss is theirs, on so many levels.

Winterbiscuit · 09/05/2016 11:04

YANBU. Of course the dinner lady shouldn't copy what a child has said and use it against them. And as for the head just saying "there you go"...!

Original poster
MilliesCookies1 · 09/05/2016 11:04

grinner please don't be annoying. I have said that the dinner lady has already admitted to me what she said any that it was to my daughter. Fucking hell, what is wrong with the people that go on about how a parent is taking her kids side and that you seem to know better? Why on earth do you think you'd know more about this than me? Who has had a meeting with the head and dinner lady?

OP posts:
ImNotThatGirl · 09/05/2016 11:07

grinner are you the dinner lady?

urkidding · 09/05/2016 11:08

The dinner lady should have reprimanded your daughter and reported the incident to the teacher in charge.

Mummylinda78 · 09/05/2016 11:11

She should have been the adult of which she is in this situation and made them be friends, not single out and bully a child very unprofessional i would speak to someone higher up