Is it me, or should this dinner lady be in a bit of trouble? Or am I just being over sensitive of DD?

[MilliesCookies1]

Using my sister's account (due to a technical reason) and I have already emailed HQ, so this is about my daughter, but her niece.

Anyway... DD is 10, year 5. She has been having some friendship problems. Her best friend has 2 other best friends. She fell out with her best friend as she wouldn't let my DD play this game with them. I said that making up would be the best as they have been friends for years. She went over to their lunch table, her best friend was sitting with her other 2 best friends; she asked if she could sit with them and they all said no and one girl was laughing at my DD (one of the best friends of her best friends) and my DD called her a bitch, I know that was completely unacceptable and I have told my DD about appropriate language now, she has had a punishment for that. However, the mother of the girl who she called a bitch, is a dinner lady/mid-day assistant. She came over and her DD told her that my DD had just called her a bitch, she giggles and said "don't worry girls, I think she's one" and all the girls laughed at my DD. I did ask for a meeting, as I don't think that was particularly fair of the dinner lady, I get my DD should have been told off for saying bitch, but I don't think the mother, who's a dinner lady should start implying my DD is too. They all admitted (even the dinner lady) that she had said everything my DD had claimed she had said. The head teacher looks at me and goes "there you go!" and that was it... No apology (my daughter had to apologise to the other girl) and nothing more was done... AIBU to think that isn't particularly fair? Or AIBU?

[GDarling]

This is a difficult one, did the DL say that to yr DD, or to her own? Many mothers think nothing of using that language with their children daily, maybe she does call her a 'bitch' at home? Have u ever thought that it was that girl who decided to exclude your DD in the first place (Little bitch!) It's very hard to prove and we always make more of it than the kids, they move on quicker than us adults, don't dwell on it, let yr friends know just it case something similar happens again.
More importantly your DD needs to feel she is a lovely friendly girl with good friends and accepted by her peers, so important at her age, yes she vented her anger, who doesn't? Actually I would rather she did that, than go off crying all on her own defeated (that thought breaks my heart!)
She sounds stronger than you think, move on, get her new friends to come to your home and thoroughly spoil them rotten.

[SolsburyHell]

I agree with you Op. What are you going to do?

[ThreeBecomeFour]

I agree that the dinner lady was totally inappropriate in her response. The girls were effect jelly bullying your daughter and she said they were bitches. Poor choice of words but under the circumstances and the emotions she must have been feeling I suspect it was justified. You've handled that aspect and school should be handling what happens in the school. I'd be on the phone to the school and speaking to the Head. The dinner lady should actually report bullying not side with the bullies. Good luck and I hope your daughter finds some nicer friends xx

[Winterbiscuit]

You could start by emailing a complaint to the head, so that you have your information and the head's reply in writing (if she phones, say you would like a written response).

After that, if you do not get a satisfactory outcome, you can escalate the complaint.

[ThreeBecomeFour]

Effected.... Not sure where the jelly came from.....

[Billben]

I'm a lunchtime supervisor at my DDs' school and I would be out on my ear if I ever called a child a bitch. That's number one. No 2 - If anything happens that involves my daughters while I'm there, I don't ever get involved. I always let somebody else deal with it.
That dinner lady was way out of order and our HT would not stand for it one bit.

[FullTimeOfTwo]

Hi OP, you are defiantly NBU. I would not want any adult let alone one that works in my DD's school speaking to a child like that. It is supposed to be a safe place for children. We all know children can argue and fall out but that is exactly why there should be responsible adults there to intervene and guide them appropriately, this dinner ladies behaviour was totally inappropriate, and a bad example to set for the children.

You have acted appropriately in dealing with your child's behaviour in respect to the bad language she used, the school also need to pull the dinner lady into line and make it clear that her handling of the situation was totally appropriate.

I hope your DD is ok x

[ConfusedMumma]

peacheshoney - are you serious? If your DD can dish it out, she needs to learn to take it! This is an adult, in a position of responsibility - how she reacted is totally and utterly unprofessional.

OP - I wouldn't be calling the school - I'd be up there today speaking to the Head teacher again, and demanding my DD got an apology. That is outrageous behaviour from the lunchtime assistant. I'm genuinely shocked.

[Baconyum]

Some people need to READ THE THREAD!

Not only did the dinner lady admit to calling a 10 YEAR OLD CHILD a bitch, she's admitted to encouraging bullying! She should be out on her ear! I've friends who do this job and several that are teachers they wouldn't DREAM of behaving like this as it's nasty, immature and very unprofessional!

Yes ops dd shouldn't have said it, but as is often the case (evidenced by other threads on bullying) schools don't seem to have a problem with victim blaming if it makes their lives easier - so make it harder for them.

Nell15's post was really good, definitely take it further and if the head doesn't up her game (she sounds shit by the way) get onto the governors. Get as much in writing as possible (hopefully she'll be as ridiculous in writing and then you'll have proof).

[grinnerlynn]

No, not a dinner lady, and appologise if ive upset you, I was just reading it that maybe she was making a joke at the table at her own daughters expense.

[ReginaBlitz]

See if that was me and I was the dinner lady I would have told my daughter to stop being a bitch. Can't stand bullying etc and I certainly wouldn't be laughing along with my kid if they were being nasty, I'd be fuming. I would ring the school the dinner lady/mum sounds like an immature twat.

[Baconyum]

Which would also be nasty and unprofessional grinder as that would be bullying!

[Baconyum]

*grinner bloody autocorrect!!

[grinnerlynn]

yes and ive already said there was no need for the word to be used and it was unacceptable, as i said, I appologize and read it a different way.

[MarchEliza]

So your DD is (rightly) left in no doubt that she cannot call one of her peers a bitch, but that it is acceptable for an adult to call her one?? What does this teach her or anyone else about acceptable language and behaviour?

Apart from the fact that this will only exacerbate the bullying situation, your DD had to apologise to her friend and the dinner lady should apologise to your DD.

[Chlobee87]

Do you know what, I wouldn't even bother going back to the HT. As far as I'm concerned, he/she has already proven that they are not interested in the bullying that your DD is facing (which is what this is - systematic exclusion of one individual by a group of their peers) and they have also failed to react swiftly and strongly enough in the face of what I can only assume must be gross misconduct by one of their staff. HT has had their chance to deal with it and has failed.

I would now be going direct to the governors with this and bypass the HT from now on since they are actually also part of the culture of bullying from both pupils and staff at this school.

YANBU and I would be absolutely fuming if this were my DD. Yes she said something bad, but she was facing extreme provocation. Anybody who has been in the position of being excluded and ridiculed by a group will understand the stress of this. She was also brave and grown up enough to go over there and try to make up with them - no easy feat when it's 3 against 1. She sounds like she has her head screwed on but just snapped on this occasion. Plus, SHE IS 10.

Good luck OP, let us know what happens.

[ImperialBlether]

I agree with Chlobee87 and not only would I want them to be looking at the dinnerlady's actions and words, I'd be asking them to look at their anti-bullying policies. From the head teacher to the dinnerlady, this policy is not in action.

[Tessabelle74]

Your daughter, quite rightly, had to apologise, the dinner lady should have to do the same! I'd be livid and I'd be lodging a complaint in writing too!

[wol1968]

I remember having a situation not completely unlike this with my own DD a few years ago. No ongoing bullying thank heaven, but arguments between a threesome that were complicated by two of them having varying levels of SEN. In our case the class TA stuck her oar in and made a completely out-of-order comment about the situation to my DD. We were disgusted. Fortunately I was on good terms with the other parents and got them both to take statements on behalf of their DDs, then we wrote down DD's account of the incident and what led up to it. Then we followed up with a visit to the Head, armed with our evidence and a dictaphone which may or may not have been left switched on and asked for an apology and an assurance that this would be properly dealt with. We followed up the visit with a letter summing up the meeting so that all key points were in writing. (Ironically, as so often happens, the original argument was sorted out by the girls fairly quickly and would have been entirely forgotten if it hadn't been for the adult interference).

The class TA got moved to a different class the next year.

[MsHoolie]

I misread this at first, thought she was calling your daughter a bitch... but she was actually saying she agrees with your daughter that her own daughter is a bitch?
(Sounds like she is one, nasty mean girl)
Hmm.
I bet it defused the situation, put her daughter in her place for sure.
But did it make your daughter's situation better or worse?

I'm all for an occassional strong verbal pushback at school so people know you are not a pushover, my son is 12 and is at a boy's school where a lot of the boys swear but my son won't.
I have told him if he ever needs to tell one of these boys (who pick on him at times) to eff off, I won't punish him... just don't make it a habit.

I'm hoping she has her friendships sorted out now. School is tough :(

[MsHoolie]

... yep, re-read OP and it looks like dinner lady was actually agreeing with your daughter... you may have wrong end of the stick??

[Salon99]

My daughter is now 19 and when she was 11 something similar happened to her , she was in a group of 4 who were all good pals until high school when one of the girls decided to leave my daughter out at lunch and more besides really nasty bitchy things and make the other 2 girls do the same , my girl was really upset one lunch time and some other kids asked her what was up and my girl said oh they're all so mean to me blah blah blah they're just bitches , girls being girls it got back to the other kids and one of the mums then got involved and called my daughter a bitch , omg what a nightmare , it all turned out ok , my girl is now doing really well made new great pals whereas the other ones have not turned out so well so karma always does it's job

[TransvisionTramp]

I didn't read it as the Dinner Lady agreeing with your DD.
I read it as her saying to the collective bullies that she thinks your DD is one, resulting in the girls all laughing at your DD making her feel even worse.
Am I right or wrong here?
Either way, she's completely out of order and dealt with it badly.

[Salon99]

I also read it as the dinner lady calling the child a bitch

[lettysmith21]

I am a lunchtime supervisor, and this is definitely unacceptable! Have you reported it to the school? This would be a stackable offence in the primary school I work in. Hope it gets resolved.