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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me, or should this dinner lady be in a bit of trouble? Or am I just being over sensitive of DD?

176 replies

MilliesCookies1 · 08/05/2016 15:41

Using my sister's account (due to a technical reason) and I have already emailed HQ, so this is about my daughter, but her niece.

Anyway... DD is 10, year 5. She has been having some friendship problems. Her best friend has 2 other best friends. She fell out with her best friend as she wouldn't let my DD play this game with them. I said that making up would be the best as they have been friends for years. She went over to their lunch table, her best friend was sitting with her other 2 best friends; she asked if she could sit with them and they all said no and one girl was laughing at my DD (one of the best friends of her best friends) and my DD called her a bitch, I know that was completely unacceptable and I have told my DD about appropriate language now, she has had a punishment for that. However, the mother of the girl who she called a bitch, is a dinner lady/mid-day assistant. She came over and her DD told her that my DD had just called her a bitch, she giggles and said "don't worry girls, I think she's one" and all the girls laughed at my DD. I did ask for a meeting, as I don't think that was particularly fair of the dinner lady, I get my DD should have been told off for saying bitch, but I don't think the mother, who's a dinner lady should start implying my DD is too. They all admitted (even the dinner lady) that she had said everything my DD had claimed she had said. The head teacher looks at me and goes "there you go!" and that was it... No apology (my daughter had to apologise to the other girl) and nothing more was done... AIBU to think that isn't particularly fair? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/05/2016 16:00

Then make an appointment with the Head and explain this is what you expect and why. It seems to me to be a reasonable request. However, if you are met with another refusal then express your disappointment and drop the whole matter - life's too short. I would also advise you to ignore the inevitable advice to complain to the governors and/or Ofsted.

Why?

Onlytimewilltell · 08/05/2016 16:03

The dinner lady didn't call OPs daughter a bitch directly, as already stated in OP.

She just tried to laugh it off by the sound of it as it was probably awkward for her that it was her daughters friendship group involved. It's more likely she was just trying to diffuse the situation. In our school your daughter would have been marched straight to the head teachers office, which she may have felt awkward doing because of who it was.
I would butt out of it now if I were you and concentrate on your own daughters language. Yabu.

witsender · 08/05/2016 16:03

She was completely out of line, yes, I would make a complaint.

Arfarfanarf · 08/05/2016 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

witsender · 08/05/2016 16:09

As a governor, we would take this seriously if it came to us. Which it wouldn't, because the head would deal with it.

MadamDeathstare · 08/05/2016 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 08/05/2016 16:12

But Only, you don't laugh off an incident by agreeing with the wounded party that yes, the other girl is indeed a bitch. You just don't.

For a start, that's adding fuel to the fire, it's using the power and status of being an adult to ensure that your child 'wins'. And it's showing the child at fault, that this member of staff will not behave professionally. That's not exactly diffusing a situation!

In this situation, the adult should behave, well, behave like a grown up, like a member of staff, and deal with it according to school policy.

If that adult feels they cannot deal fairly and professionally with something their child is involved in, they ask another lunchtime supervisor to step in.

twelly · 08/05/2016 16:13

I think that where parents work in this capacity there is often a conflict of interests, some even take on work (not just MDS but TAs) in order to be near and support their child. I therefore think the HT was wrong and that the MDS should not have got involved and referred to another member of staff. I would like to think that the MDS mother concerned is now fully aware of this conflict and of her role as it sounds as if she had no idea about the boundaries

mmgirish · 08/05/2016 16:15

I suggested that you focus on your daughter and not the dinner lady because, as a teacher I see petty squabbles with students every day - particularly amongst girls. Rarely do I hear a child calling another child a word such as bitch. If your daughter has admitted saying it on this occasion, you should consider that she may be frequently using that type of language. In my opinion, I would find that worrying if it was my child.

AmysTiara · 08/05/2016 16:16

I'm with you op. She should have told your DD that it was an unacceptable word to use not said what she did.

Original poster
MilliesCookies1 · 08/05/2016 16:18

You know what I find? Most of the teachers or people who work in school (not all) seem to want to stick up for any staff in schools...? You're telling me to focus on my child, I did that first, as she is my priority, I now move on to thinking about the dinner lady.

OP posts:
MattDillonsPants · 08/05/2016 16:19

People are SERIOUSLY acting like OP is unreasonable here!??

OP's child is entitled to and deserves supervisors who are CARING and IMPARTIAL and who do not pal up with little girls to join in bullying.

This is ridiculous! The woman should have a disciplinary. A written warning.

A ten year old using bad language should be told off...a lunchtime supervisor saying the CHILD is a bitch?

Disgusting. Inappropriate.

LanaorAna1 · 08/05/2016 16:20

This is the second thread in 24 hours about a rude child whose unacceptable behaviour has not, to the outrage of its parents and MN's goad-a-holics, been waved away by the rest of the planet.

Adults aren't always perfect, especially not when exasperated by brattiness. That's ok. Everyone, inc your DD, needs to learn that - and that sometimes you get more than you bargained for when you kick off at someone without provocation.

ilovesooty · 08/05/2016 16:20

I'm a former teacher and think the dinner lady was out of line. There are other people who work in education on this thread who have said the same.

MattDillonsPants · 08/05/2016 16:21

Adults aren't always perfect but when they are in charge of children it is in their interests and those of the children that they try damn hard!

And not acting like a mean child is pretty basic stuff.

tictactoad · 08/05/2016 16:21

I'm a dinner lady and would expect to get bollocked from here to kingdom come should I ever be foolish enough to make that kind of response.

This biased incompetent should have handed the situation over to a colleague to deal with and if it were my child I would most definitely make a complaint.

ilovesooty · 08/05/2016 16:21

Sorry, noticed you said "not all"

Suggesting you focus on your daughter's language is deflecting the issue.

Original poster
MilliesCookies1 · 08/05/2016 16:22

Lanaor - she was provoked...?

OP posts:
I8toys · 08/05/2016 16:23

Definitely complain. Go to the Governors with it. A child calling another child a bitch is wrong but an adult who is responsible for those said children in a school environment is completely irresponsible and unprofessional.

She should not be allowed to be anywhere near your child or her own if she continues to work there and I would make sure that I tried to make that happen. Her judgment is being skewed by her child's presence.

mmgirish · 08/05/2016 16:23

You asked for an opinion on an online forum about your daughter. I gave you my opinion. Not based on being a teacher but on how I would feel as a parent in your circumstances with experience of how children treat each on a day to day basis. I'm not sticking up for the dinner lady. I haven't mentioned anything to support her at all.

MattDillonsPants · 08/05/2016 16:24

OP stop bothering to defend your child. She's ten. Ten is young...and she made a mistake whilst upset.

The staff member needs to have some sort of retraining and a bollocking.

Did you complain about her?

MattDillonsPants · 08/05/2016 16:25

Oh I see you did and the HT was dismissive!

Write to the governors.

This sort of thing is indicative of a badly run ship.

Original poster
MilliesCookies1 · 08/05/2016 16:27

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm not saying what she did was right, and she has apologised for that. I just don't see how it's fair that it's okay for an adult to do it but not a child...

I went in and spoke to the head on Friday, right at home time (when I was told) and that was it... I wasn't sure how else to further it

OP posts:
katemiddletonsnudeheels · 08/05/2016 16:28

I agree an apology is appropriate.

It's different to the other thread because the teacher did not mean anyone other than a colleague to hear, whereas this dinner lady did.

MattDillonsPants · 08/05/2016 16:28

Write to the board of governors. Tell them exactly what happened.

I promise you, no matter what some people on here say, this is NOT ok.