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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it me, or should this dinner lady be in a bit of trouble? Or am I just being over sensitive of DD?

176 replies

MilliesCookies1 · 08/05/2016 15:41

Using my sister's account (due to a technical reason) and I have already emailed HQ, so this is about my daughter, but her niece.

Anyway... DD is 10, year 5. She has been having some friendship problems. Her best friend has 2 other best friends. She fell out with her best friend as she wouldn't let my DD play this game with them. I said that making up would be the best as they have been friends for years. She went over to their lunch table, her best friend was sitting with her other 2 best friends; she asked if she could sit with them and they all said no and one girl was laughing at my DD (one of the best friends of her best friends) and my DD called her a bitch, I know that was completely unacceptable and I have told my DD about appropriate language now, she has had a punishment for that. However, the mother of the girl who she called a bitch, is a dinner lady/mid-day assistant. She came over and her DD told her that my DD had just called her a bitch, she giggles and said "don't worry girls, I think she's one" and all the girls laughed at my DD. I did ask for a meeting, as I don't think that was particularly fair of the dinner lady, I get my DD should have been told off for saying bitch, but I don't think the mother, who's a dinner lady should start implying my DD is too. They all admitted (even the dinner lady) that she had said everything my DD had claimed she had said. The head teacher looks at me and goes "there you go!" and that was it... No apology (my daughter had to apologise to the other girl) and nothing more was done... AIBU to think that isn't particularly fair? Or AIBU?

OP posts:

BertPuttocks · 08/05/2016 16:29

I sincerely doubt that the dinner lady would have been let off so lightly at our school.

They are very careful to make sure that the staff are not responsible for supervising their own children. A MDS supervisor with a child in KS1, for example, would only work on the KS2 playground. Once their child had moved up to KS2, the MDS would be moved over to KS1.

At the very least I would expect there to be a reprimand with a reminder about what to do if your own child is involved in an incident.

seventhgonickname · 08/05/2016 16:29

So your daughter is being bullied(exclusion is bullying),she is young and lashed out(you dealt with that),the responsible adult makes a glib comment and effectively call your daughter a bitch,all the other girls laugh.Am mystified that the head thought that was OK....go back and get her reasoning and check if your daughter being treated alright with the other girls as it might escalate.

ErNope · 08/05/2016 16:30

I'm with the dinner lady on this... takes one to know one, after all. Of course it was unprofessional and I hope the head teacher did say something behind closed doors, But I wouldn't expect a disciplinary or similar.

witsender · 08/05/2016 16:30

I'm a teacher too, and think she was out of line.

I8toys · 08/05/2016 16:32

I agree Seven it gives a bad message to the other girls that this behaviour is okay and with an adult in charge doing it also. Ask to look at the bullying policy as well.

MattDillonsPants · 08/05/2016 16:32

ErNope What on earth do you mean? "Takes on to know one"?

What nonsensical argument is that?

The dinner lady is STAFF.

She can't speak like that to children!

witsender · 08/05/2016 16:33

"Takes one to know one?!" The kid is in yr 5! She's testing out language, school staff need to be above that. Would the woman have said that had the other child not been her daughter?

Alfieisnoisy · 08/05/2016 16:34

YANBU

Midday assistants need to be careful about what they are saying as well as other schoo,staff.

My DS is autistic and he has real issues round food and can gorge. In Y4 my son he,ped himself to a lot of cucumber one day. A midday assistant called him out of the queue and told him in front of other children that he was very greedy. Resukt was that DS refused to ever set foot in the dinner hall at lunchtime ever again. He had packed lunches ever after that point.

It could have been dealt with so much better...all she had to do was chat to him about a sensible portion and he would have complied.

Thankfully he is now in a special school where they DO know how to relate to children with the type of difficulties my son has.

TheSultanofPingu · 08/05/2016 16:34

I'm a midday supervisor. She was totally in the wrong to get involved like this. I think it's shocking.

ErNope · 08/05/2016 16:35

Well MDP, I'd be hesitant to go all out for blood seeing as OP's DD was being offensive in the first place, I know its unprofessional but surely a 15 year old should expect to be insulted (If that was even what the dinner lady meant) should she be able to dish out an insult?

I8toys · 08/05/2016 16:35

That's my point Wisender. I bet she wouldn't. I would ask that the policy re parents working with their children be looked at.

BoGrainger · 08/05/2016 16:36

I think the mda just made a bad call. If she had decided instead to take it further, tell your dd off and take her to see the HT you may have been on here saying that she was wrong to take the side of her dd etc.

ErNope · 08/05/2016 16:36

My bad, I read the post as 15. her being 10 does change my opinion. I assumed OP's DD was 15 (ie almost leaving school). Apologies for that.

Original poster

MilliesCookies1 · 08/05/2016 16:36

Er - she's a 10 year old also, I'm sure my DD could have coped if the girl had said back to her she is a bitch, but not a member of staff

OP posts:

Medusacascade · 08/05/2016 16:38

I'm a school governor too and I would not be happy with the staff member or the way the head teacher has handled it. The SMSA had shown she is not the right person to work in a school if that's the way she chose to deal with the situation.

MattDillonsPants · 08/05/2016 16:39

Millies you've had enough people agree with you here. Ignore those who are sticking up for the horrible staff member.

What's your next move?

BoGrainger · 08/05/2016 16:40

And I would expect that the mda would have been called in for a chat with the HT afterwards.

EarthboundMisfit · 08/05/2016 16:45

Yes, of course she should be I'm trouble, that's outrageous.

123lekl · 08/05/2016 16:47

There are some vile posts on here. She's a 10 year old litter girl- of course she shouldn't have sworn and op knows that her daughter was in the wrong (actually I do feel for her daughter as being left out is a horrible feeling), but the dinner lady was completely out of order. I can't believe some of these attitudes - it's the perfect parent brigade out in force!
I'd complain to the school and expect at least an apology

123lekl · 08/05/2016 16:48

*little!

bearleftmonkeyright · 08/05/2016 16:49

I've done midday for years and I definitely think you should take this further. Midday behaved disgracefully.

nell15 · 08/05/2016 16:50

I think you should email the head and tell her it is unacceptable to use language like that to your daughter in school or out of it, and I would also enquire whether the midday in particular and the team of them has had any recent training in appropriately managing conflict situations. Tell the head you want a written response in 5 days and if you are not happy with that response you will be taking it to the governors.

I used to do training for midday assistants in managing behaviour and conflict precisely because some of them blurred the boundaries and didn't behave in a professional manner. I am supportive of midday assistants and would fight their corner as they're often expected to know what to do in what a very responsible position- they're supervising up to 300 children for an hour a day, 5 days a week with v little training or support from school. The kind of behaviour your daughter experienced is because the middays are being managed to trained by the school. There should be a named senior member of staff who has responsibility for midday in school.

nell15 · 08/05/2016 16:54

Sorry iPhone playing up: are NOT managed or supervised

Janeymoo50 · 08/05/2016 16:56

Dinner Lady overstepped the mark as too emotionally involved. I'd be peeved too, it's just made the matter worse BUT getting into a ongoing petty squabble over who called who a bitch is just fanning the flames of this silly argument anyway.

Boomingmarvellous · 08/05/2016 16:56

Dinner lady was wrong for reaching the same level as a 10 year old.

Of course your DD was also wrong but she has accepted this

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