Aibu to think I should not be the one who is apologising?

[Coulditbeme]

Hi, I do not think I am being unreasonable but my partner thinks I am so I'd like some opinions of people who don't know us please.

Been together 6 years and have a small baby who was not planned but is very much loved by us both.

We both work full time during the week and here's the problem - he spends a lot of time away at weekends with hobbies and seeing family and friends - just says "this is what I'm doing this weekend" and off he goes whilst I am left here alone with my child from a previous relationship and our baby then on his return, which is whenever he chooses, is very happy to see baby and play with her and look after her but I feel very much like he hasn't missed me and only comes back at all for the baby.

He's been having so much fun on these busy weekends away that he falls asleep early the night he comes back and hardly ever wants sex, which I find upsetting.

I really miss him and would love to feel that he has missed me and wants sex with me.
Feel like he doesn't love me.
I've told him many times to no avail.

A couple of weekends ago i lost it when he just went off with a friend and forgot that we had plans. I was so looking forward to finally having a day together, it was a culmination of previous times I've been left to cope alone and when he did turn up I lost my temper, slammed a door and shouted at him that I wasn't putting up with it any more.

He thinks I am being unreasonable, he says doesn't like me when I'm unpleasant and angry and a controlling horrible person.
I stress him out - but his behaviour stresses me out!

I've found myself apologising though i don't think I'm in the wrong here because he was thinking of leaving me unless I basically become a different person, one who will just put up with his shoddy treatment of me without complaint. If I do that then all is well.

I'm so upset I ask is for a bit of consideration and love to be shown.
I don't expect him here all the time, don't mind him seeing friends and family at all.
i just want a simple life with a man who might well go away but comes back when he says he will, tells me he's missed me and makes me feel loved.
Staying awake for sex once in a while might help too.

He never tells me he loves me although when I ask he says he does.
I feel so unloved, I'm just a nuisance.
Feel like he doesn't love me, doesn't fancy me and doesn't consider my feelings.

He just cannot see it at all. Doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.

Who's unreasonable? Me for expecting to be a priority and feel loved or him for expecting to just come and go as he pleases without consulting me?

Was I justified in losing my temper and how do we move forward if we both think the other is at fault??

[Hairyspiderinyourunderwear]

He is trying to make you feel at fault because it means he doesn't have to face up to the fact he abandons his family every weekend for the good life.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

OP, He isnt a good father at all. A good father would want to spend most of their free time with their kids. He is just doing the very minimum.

You have 2 choices:

Leave or Put up with it. He will never change his ways because the 3 of you are just not important enough.

[MaddyHatter]

i don't normally throw this out there.

But i would bet my bottom dollar he has another woman back home.

You're being taken for a mug love, get rid!

[HappyNevertheless]

H ecan't see it because he is a twat. Or extremely selfish and doesn't want to give up his life as an adult with no responsibility.
He can't see it because he doesn't want to see it.

[Janecc]

How long has he been doing this for? Did he ever used to take you too? He's definitely treating all you all appallingly.

[FlyingElbows]

Oh lovey you're not his partner you're his substitute mother. He's a dick. It's not you letting your child down. Why do you want to be with him? Can you list maybe five things about your relationship which are good and make you feel valued?

[summerdreams]

Ltb, your doing fine with out him and you will feel so much less lonely there is no worse feeling them being lonely in a relationship.

[summerdreams]

I'm sorry but I actually agree with maddyhatter

[arethereanyleftatall]

When you say 'going home to see his family' of a weekend; do you mean his parents & siblings, or his wife and children?

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

He is trying to gaslight you (make you think you are mad) but it's not working! Good for you.
Sounds like he has someone else 100%
He goes out more that I did when I was single and he most definitely is not and has 2 small children.

You can live without him. You already are! Just living a half life waiting for him to walk back through the door.
Take control. Sack him off. You deserve a thousand times better.

[arethereanyleftatall]

After your first few paragraphs, I thought you were going to say 'should he be looking after his child more so that I get a break?' And everyone would have said 'yes, equal time off' But you haven't even mentioned that. Do you both see bringing up your child as equal responsibility?

[Coulditbeme]

When I said visiting family I mean his parents, siblings, friends and their children.
He has not been married and has no other children of his own apart from the one he has with me.

Five things that make me feel valued -

1. He can be thoughtful in ways at times, puts a lot of thought into Christmas / birthday presents and sometimes just turns up with nice gifts on no particular occasion and he does offer help around the house when he's here.
   
   
2. It is clear that he loves our baby and it's lovely to watch them together - again when he's here.
   
   I can't think of any more though :-(
   
   I don't feel he loves me as much he loves our baby.
   
   I feel he'd be off if it wasn't for her.

[Coulditbeme]

I do not get time off. I work full time and always looking after the children in the evenings and at weekends.

He has said he will stay in if I go out but it would have to be on a weekend when he'd nothing already planned.

[RubbleBubble00]

Sounds like he's only staying for the baby, I'm so sorry.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

He says he think you're being unreasonable because you're attempting to put a crimp on his activities. He sleeps in your home and get his pants washed while his social life goes on elsewhere. Without you.

If this is his idea of an ideal home-life he needs his head examined. And so do you for putting up with his shit. This situation is nothing like a proper close relationship should be. You know it and he's trying to gaslight you. Get rid!

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Well if you break up he can have his baby on the weekends, that will stop his caper.

[Gide]

How long has he been doing this? It's ridiculous! I'm sorry, OP, if he was into you, he wouldn't be doing this. Primary aim of weekends off for me is to spend time with the DH.

He's being a twat, I think you know this. Does he have a second family back home??

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

He cant love your baby that much if he pisses off every weekend.

[Hairyspiderinyourunderwear]

He can be thoughtful in ways at times, puts a lot of thought into Christmas / birthday presents and sometimes just turns up with nice gifts on no particular occasion

Not enough to base a relationship on for me, is it enough for you?

he does offer help around the house when he's here

He isn't "helping" because that implies it is your job. If you both work and you do most of the childcare then most of the housework should be his job. If he "helps" when he is there and he isn't there a lot then he is slacking on his part of the responsibilities.

It is clear that he loves our baby and it's lovely to watch them together - again when he's here.

So he loves his daughter.

He has said he will stay in if I go out but it would have to be on a weekend when he'd nothing already planned.

So his plans come first, he is his priority you get left overs if there are any.

[petalsandstars]

Does he support you (as a family) financially? Or are there separate finances?

[Birdsgottafly]

""He is trying to make you feel at fault because it means he doesn't have to face up to the fact he abandons his family every weekend for the good life.""

I don't think he views the OP as his family, she's a working base, who happens to have a baby by him.

His life, is the one that he chooses to go to of a weekend and even if they split, his life will continue, as it is, except his living costs may rise.

OP, I totally agree with the Gaslighting comments, he's playing you. This needs to change, before he completely wears you down and your youngest is of an age, were she will miss him, when he goes, for good.

Has he ever told you that he wanted a full on family life with you?

[AyeAmarok]

I think the only thing you can do here is end the relationship.

You could issue an ultimatum that he has to stay in with you at the weekend, but really, do you want a partner who is only there because you forced him, not because he actually wants to be?

[Merd]

If my DH did this to me it would spell the end of our relationship, and we don't even have the added pressure of kids.

I fervently agree with the posts above and would add that your partner bloody well knows he's in the wrong or he wouldn't have been angry, he'd have been surprised and tried to change things.

[midsummabreak]

He is trying to make you feel at fault because it means he doesn't have to face up to the fact he abandons his family every weekend for the good life
wot Hairyspiderinyourunderwear said

He can't face facts that he is behaving selfishly as that necessitates facing the fact he leaves his beloved baby, his beautiful stepchild, and his beautiful partner every bloody weekend he can ..... then comes back to be fed and have his washing done,as others have said

[TigerPath]

YANBU

He sounds like a selfish bully. He obviously doesn't love you, care about you or want to spend time with you. Seems he is actively avoiding time with you.

I think you need to tell him it's over, and leave.