Aibu to think I should not be the one who is apologising?

[Coulditbeme]

Hi, I do not think I am being unreasonable but my partner thinks I am so I'd like some opinions of people who don't know us please.

Been together 6 years and have a small baby who was not planned but is very much loved by us both.

We both work full time during the week and here's the problem - he spends a lot of time away at weekends with hobbies and seeing family and friends - just says "this is what I'm doing this weekend" and off he goes whilst I am left here alone with my child from a previous relationship and our baby then on his return, which is whenever he chooses, is very happy to see baby and play with her and look after her but I feel very much like he hasn't missed me and only comes back at all for the baby.

He's been having so much fun on these busy weekends away that he falls asleep early the night he comes back and hardly ever wants sex, which I find upsetting.

I really miss him and would love to feel that he has missed me and wants sex with me.
Feel like he doesn't love me.
I've told him many times to no avail.

A couple of weekends ago i lost it when he just went off with a friend and forgot that we had plans. I was so looking forward to finally having a day together, it was a culmination of previous times I've been left to cope alone and when he did turn up I lost my temper, slammed a door and shouted at him that I wasn't putting up with it any more.

He thinks I am being unreasonable, he says doesn't like me when I'm unpleasant and angry and a controlling horrible person.
I stress him out - but his behaviour stresses me out!

I've found myself apologising though i don't think I'm in the wrong here because he was thinking of leaving me unless I basically become a different person, one who will just put up with his shoddy treatment of me without complaint. If I do that then all is well.

I'm so upset I ask is for a bit of consideration and love to be shown.
I don't expect him here all the time, don't mind him seeing friends and family at all.
i just want a simple life with a man who might well go away but comes back when he says he will, tells me he's missed me and makes me feel loved.
Staying awake for sex once in a while might help too.

He never tells me he loves me although when I ask he says he does.
I feel so unloved, I'm just a nuisance.
Feel like he doesn't love me, doesn't fancy me and doesn't consider my feelings.

He just cannot see it at all. Doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.

Who's unreasonable? Me for expecting to be a priority and feel loved or him for expecting to just come and go as he pleases without consulting me?

Was I justified in losing my temper and how do we move forward if we both think the other is at fault??

[midsummabreak]

Tell him you need to take yourself off for the weekend to see your ill parent/friend and give him as much notice as he gives you

[StrictlyMumDancing]

The thing is that you are very much a single parent with a lodger at the moment, you are definitely not in a relationship even though you want to be. As hard as it is to imagine, once you get rid of the gut wrench of ending this so called relationship, you'd see it was easier to actually be a single parent (either with or without an actual lodger)

[glassgarden]

He cannot see how he is at fault and I cannot see how he cannot see how he is at fault
I imagine he knows full well that his behaviour is totally out of order an unfair on you, he won't admit it because then he'd have to admit that he ought to change

So he just digs his heels in and insists that black is white...I guess it's a form of gas lighting
You're place is just free bed and board while he's working

He's a piece of shit and you should kick him to the curb

[Purpleismycolour]

Sounds like he wants you where he wants you if you get my drift, yanbu to ask for a little bit of his time

[MairzyDoats]

Can I ask how old he is? And what is his parents relationship like? I can't believe that he thinks this is how a proper relationship works, and the only thing I can think is that this is what he has seen modelled - his father behaving like a selfish bastard while his mother lets him...

No matter, the only way you can get him to see that it's completely unacceptable is to draw a line in the sand and say 'no more'. I know you don't want your baby to grow up without her father, but to be honest that's exactly what is happening already.

[BuunyChops]

Do his 'family' know about the baby? 'cause if it was a relation of mine and s/he was turning up regularly without the baby Id be asking some questions. I find that bit alone very very odd.

[Penfold007]

Are you he isn't going home to his partner and their children every weekend?

[GColdtimer]

What was it like before you had the baby?

[arethereanyleftatall]

The thing that worries me about this thread is that I get the impression that her partner not loving her is somehow her fault. It's not. He is a twat. You can do so much better.

[arethereanyleftatall]

That she thinks her...
That should have saud

[Coulditbeme]

It was like this before we had the baby.

I was stupid to think it would change.

I've met his parents, siblings and friends several times over the years and they are all very nice.
They facilitate his behaviour though.
They love the baby and are pleasant to me but because she wasn't planned they don't seem to see as he doesn't why he should moderate his lifestyle.

He's in his 40s so not a teenager.

[PetraStrorm]

He's in his 40s?? Jesus, I thought he was about 25 (and now I'm mentally apologising to all the responsible 25-year-olds).

He will never change. He will never grow up.

Splitting up is a really really difficult decision to make, but I'd put money on you feeling the most amazing sense of relief and peace after you've done it.

[Merd]

surely any family would know a child needs their dad, even if it was unplanned? They're not that nice if they don't!

40s makes it even less excusable and also sadly even less likely he will ever, ever change. Sounds like a mummy's boy.

I think you could give him an ultimatum so he has a "chance", but I'd be tempted to just tell him not to bother coming back!

[Beeziekn33ze]

He's been going off almost every weekend for 6 years? Sorry if I've misunderstood but is that right?

[midsummabreak]

If he is a mummy's boy, then his mum will have brought him up to believe that his behaviour is above reproach as he is a special darling who can do no wrong He may need to visit mum often as she is desperate to see her darling boy, and he is caught up with feeding his ego with her over the top and (nauseating)doting admiration

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

OP, what do you and your kids get from this man?

You dont get any affection, sex or any consideration.
You baby gets a part time, wannabe disney dad.

You are effectively single and the difference being in this relationship and actually single, is that you dont have to make an effort with this emotionally stunted 40 year old.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Is this every weekend?

If so I'm afraid others are right - he isn't going "away" at the weekend; he's going "home" and he "works away" Monday to Friday and stays with you then... He doesn't see you as home, if this is every weekend.

What happens when he has annual leave? Do you take family holidays?

[Boolovessulley]

He is in his 40s!!
I imagined him to be no older than 26.

I agree with what has been posted. He is being unreasonable . He won't change why should he he can gave his cake and eat it.

[smokeybandit]

Have to agree with everyone else. YANBU, he is. You're not going mad and you're not wrong for wanting him to be home and doing what he should be, sharing his life with you. My dh goes out every Friday to see one set of friends, every Friday, unless we have plans or its not convenient. I can't imagine him being away for the whole weekend! Can't he see them every other week, or them visit him? Would he ever take the kids, don't they need/deserve to see his family too? Do you have family nearby, it sounds as though you're maybe quite isolated? Does he contact you while he's away? He's acting like a teenager instead of growing up like everyone has to when they have kids. Sad as it is, your own wants have to take a bit of a back seat when you have kids and some people just don't seem to be able to do that. You're not the one who needs to change so he doesn't leave, he needs to change so you don't kick him out!

[Stardust160]

I found your thread op after your support on mine. I hope you give him a kick up the arse

[Paddletonio]

You barely seem to be in a relationship - he is completely taking the piss. I really wonder what he has said to his friends and family about your relationship as they must wonder when he is down there every weekend. He's not acting like he is in a couple at all.

I couldn't stand for that and I would leave him, personally. You don't deserve to be treated like this. A relationship should be a partnership, a team. He isn't considering you even one tiny bit.

[Coulditbeme]

Thankyou for all your replies.
It's certainly eased my mind.
I thought I was going mad!

I don't think even one person on here has said I'm being unreasonable.

I think a talk is definitely on the cards and we will see where that takes us.

I might even show him this thread as he has previously said that nobody else apart from me thinks he behaves unreasonably.

[Flufflepuff]

Definitely not unreasonable!

I might be wrong, but I'd be cautious about showing him the thread, especially if you've posted other stuff with your username you wouldn't want him reading.

I just think that a load of people online won't convince him he's being unreasonable and the threat of losing you should be the motivator; the fact that you think it's unreasonable should be enough. If that makes sense?

[MaddyHatter]

once in a while, wouldn't be unreasonable.

Going away even once a month, wouldn't be unreasonable.. but he ought to be making the effort to take you with him once in a while too, so its a family visit!

My DH has a social life, he's been out the last 3 weekends in a row, i'm going out next weekend. But we share the childcare, housework and responsibilities.

The issue here isn't that he has a life, its that he's treating you like the home help and the unpaid babysitter while he carries on living like a single man.

Unplanned or not, he had a child with you, you're a family, its about time he started behaving like a responsible fucking adult, partner and father, not a teenager!