Aibu to think I should not be the one who is apologising?

[Coulditbeme]

Hi, I do not think I am being unreasonable but my partner thinks I am so I'd like some opinions of people who don't know us please.

Been together 6 years and have a small baby who was not planned but is very much loved by us both.

We both work full time during the week and here's the problem - he spends a lot of time away at weekends with hobbies and seeing family and friends - just says "this is what I'm doing this weekend" and off he goes whilst I am left here alone with my child from a previous relationship and our baby then on his return, which is whenever he chooses, is very happy to see baby and play with her and look after her but I feel very much like he hasn't missed me and only comes back at all for the baby.

He's been having so much fun on these busy weekends away that he falls asleep early the night he comes back and hardly ever wants sex, which I find upsetting.

I really miss him and would love to feel that he has missed me and wants sex with me.
Feel like he doesn't love me.
I've told him many times to no avail.

A couple of weekends ago i lost it when he just went off with a friend and forgot that we had plans. I was so looking forward to finally having a day together, it was a culmination of previous times I've been left to cope alone and when he did turn up I lost my temper, slammed a door and shouted at him that I wasn't putting up with it any more.

He thinks I am being unreasonable, he says doesn't like me when I'm unpleasant and angry and a controlling horrible person.
I stress him out - but his behaviour stresses me out!

I've found myself apologising though i don't think I'm in the wrong here because he was thinking of leaving me unless I basically become a different person, one who will just put up with his shoddy treatment of me without complaint. If I do that then all is well.

I'm so upset I ask is for a bit of consideration and love to be shown.
I don't expect him here all the time, don't mind him seeing friends and family at all.
i just want a simple life with a man who might well go away but comes back when he says he will, tells me he's missed me and makes me feel loved.
Staying awake for sex once in a while might help too.

He never tells me he loves me although when I ask he says he does.
I feel so unloved, I'm just a nuisance.
Feel like he doesn't love me, doesn't fancy me and doesn't consider my feelings.

He just cannot see it at all. Doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.

Who's unreasonable? Me for expecting to be a priority and feel loved or him for expecting to just come and go as he pleases without consulting me?

Was I justified in losing my temper and how do we move forward if we both think the other is at fault??

[AugustaFinkNottle]

Does he seriously think he has done nothing wrong at all? Does he think it's OK to swan off every weekend without consulting you? How does he justify that to himself?

[mum2Bomg]

Henrysmycat - LOVE your post!

[mum2Bomg]

Plan something lovely well in advance and tell him you're off. Go and have a lovely time on your own or with a friend/relative and do not apologise for it. Don't use it as an excuse for a row, just go and spend time doing something or seeing someone YOU want to see. He sounds like he it's totally lacking empathy so show him what it's like.

Maybe even suggest you have a weekend each? He won't like it but then he will have to suggest a change?

Hugs xxx

[Henrysmycat]

Let me add a few things:
There is NOTHING WRONG with being a bitch if being a bitch is taking care of yourself and your children.
I just happen upon this thread and the thing I see is the opinion of yourself and being seen as a failure for having two kids by two fathers and not a happy ending in sight. So, you cling on to him in a non-existence hope. You don't love this man.
First, go back a step and accept that your only fault is your bad taste in men or your pure unlucky nature. Don't give a shit about what people say or think if they 'judge' you. Don't judge yourself. I definitely, don't, and you'd find it hard anyone to say the opposite in this threat too.
Forgive yourself. You know, he's not good for you. And stop yourself loving a fantasy. It'd be more believable if you declared Leo Di Caprio would sweep you off your feet.(more chance this happening than your current situation).
Think the example you give to your children. Would you like your daughters, to be in such relationships? You seem to love your kids and yet, you give them an awful example!
Go online. Yes, match.com/tinder/Internet dating is crap but get out. Go on dates, even with complete losers. There must be a good one out there. I done that, pre-marriage, with a ad (no online dating 20 years ago) and I've meet some nice people some losers but ultimately, I was busy and had too much fun. And got some stories to tell. Get out of the funk, get him out of your system. Get DD1 a babysitter/send her to her father, put some nice clothes, makeup, hair. Let the Twat (your ex) pick your kid and go out. Enjoy it. You are not alone. For all the horror stories you hear about Internet dating, I've see many success in my immediate circle.

Last but not least, Arrange visitations and money with Twat. All in black and white and on paper. It's not being a bitch, it's being sensible for your kids.

[Overshoulderbolderholder]

I'd be concerned if I was in your shoes. Forget what he says, his actions are telling you loud and clear how this guy is thinking.

Quoted the above from quitelikely5, I think this is spot on.
Maybe you can both turn this around but only if you BOTH want to.. To say he's not on the same page at the moment is an understatement!
Sorry you are feeling sad, this is tough on you, do you have family/friends living near, do you have support? Are you asking even? Xx

[Fpmd1710]

Tbh OP it sounds like emotional abuse and manipulation. He controls you without you even realising it, but he has been the one in the wrong however he always twists it so that you end up apologising and it also sounds to me that he's got you feeling like you need him to be happy. You really don't need somebody who is going to treat you in such a way and then make you say sorry ultimately for his actions, whilst he then leaves you feel you're going crazy and questioning yourself because you dare not speak to him about his twatish ways in case he leaves you. This will just be a constant cycle of the same thing if you take him back, he really doesn't seem like a person who will learn from his actions and at 40+ it's not likely he will change in the future if he's still this immature now.

[Lilacpink40]

"He makes me feel like I'm going mad"...get out ASAP!
Keep as much sanity as you can on the way out as your DCs and you need you to be ok

[AnyFucker]

Wrong, the better (sorry pressed post by mistake)

You are doing your children a dis service to cling on to a dysfunctional relationship in this way

[AnyFucker]

The sooner you accept this one has also gone w

[Coulditbeme]

Yes Anyfucker, I have had some very good advice on here and it certainly is hugely appreciated. Thankyou all very much.

In the absence of real life friends you are al helping :-)


I know I must sound like a massive doormat.
I certainly feel like one.

I can hear myself almost begging to give us another chance and doing the dreaded pick me dance and I hate myself for it.

I do love him, so stupid but I just want to love and be loved and bring our baby up together.

My eldest daughter saw her dad leave us for another woman, that was a traumatic time and things have been very difficult there for us over the years.

I didn't not want another failed relationship for my little one.
I wanted it to go right this time, to be in a happy relationship and bring her up together.

[AnyFucker]

Op, have you taken any notice at all of all the good advice on your thread ?

You seem dead set on making a doormat of yourself.

[skittycat]

I've been through a similar break up recently (no children involved though) in which I was blamed for everything that had gone wrong, he wouldn't admit fault for anything he'd done (including messaging another woman). At the time of the break up he pointed out everything that I had ever done 'wrong', not accepting fault at all to the point that I was so weak that i practically begged him for another chance to prove I could be a doormat.

Initially after the break up we were still being all friendly, had a couple of meals out & teas together. And in all honesty i think it made it worse, and harder to deal with. It was almost like I was clinging on to hope he would realise what we could have had either though the relationship made me feel like crap when we were together. Seeing him, and him being around me made it more difficult for me to pick myself and get on with my life.

6 months down the line and I barely see him now and feel so much better for it. He was toxic and his actions/things he has said over the last 6 months have made me realise just how little he did for me, and with how little respect he treated me.

For your sake I would advise limiting contact with him. He can see your child, but do not do the family outings. As nice as it is to be a family, your child will much rather a strong, confident mum who is not being made to feel worthless and being blamed for everything wrong in a relationship. Look after yourself, and instead of using your energy on trying to please him/accommodate his poor behaviour, focus it on yourself instead.

[cees]

Sounds like you are trying to hard. You broke up so stop seeing him for outings with baby, you are just letting him pick up and put you down when he's finished playing with you.

You seem to be way to accommodating so stop, why give him the family life on his terms only. He sees how much you want it to work and he knows you are not going tell him to get lost. Well I say surprise the shit out of him and arrange access days for him and stick to them.

Don't go with them, he should be well able to take his baby out without you, do something for yourself. Don't let him think you are waiting for him to take you back, show him you are independent and not reliant on him.

[holdinghands]

Oh and remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe if you start making a life for yourself and he sees your moving on, he might just see what he's lost. If we can tell you're still in love with him, he can too.

[holdinghands]

You're going on outings together? I'm sorry OP but that doesn't sound like it's going to help you move on with your life. You're obviously still in love with him and would love to be a family again (although it doesn't sound as though you ever were) and family outings are just going to reinforce that feeling. You also mentioned having no friends to talk to, this will also make you focus on wanting him back so you're not on your own.

If I was in your position (and I have been) I would make it clear that he is welcome to see his child but it should be without you. I would also set out regular visits and not just when he feels like it. Basically his behaviour hasn't changed, he was in control while you were together and he still is, even though he has left.

You should also check what mother and baby groups are available in your area. Once you make friends and have people to talk to/go out with, you will start thinking of life without him. As long as you continue with these family outings you will never move on. And maybe he knows that.

[honeyroar]

He doesn't know if he can get past this?? So what OP, this is about you and your baby and working things out so you're not his free au pair/mother while he has a fun life.

Try and give yourself some space. Don't go on joint happy family outings, they will only hurt/prolong the situation. Let him take baby for a few hours while you go shopping or see a friend. Try and use it to become you again, not someone stuck at home waiting around.

As for him taking her overnight, he might try it a couple of times, but I suspect it won't be such fun without you doing the mundane bits ani it will also impact negatively on his single act/any new relationship, so I expect he won't push for as much as you expect..

[StopShoutingAtYourBrother]

If this is the case OP then it sounds like he's feeling guilty, doesn't want to take any kind of ownership for the situation and cos you're nice and accommodating trying his best to convince you its all your problem.

Op - unless he can grow up and admit what's really going on, I'd say it's already over.

[StopShoutingAtYourBrother]

Hold on - he doesn't know if he can get past you shouting at him?

Shouting cos you're tired of being left alone every single weekend with his baby while he goes out and leads a single life?

[Coulditbeme]

It's been a good week but a rotten week too.
We had already booked the week off work so no work this week to distract.
It's been good in the sense that we've seen each other every day and taken our baby places together then he has gone back to his place on his own at nights.
It has also been rotten for much the same reason.
We've had nice time together, I love being together and doing things together with the baby, it's what I saw for the future.
It is very hurtful when he pops over, we have a nice time then goes back alone at night.

It's good that he wants to spend time with our baby but it hurts that he doesn't seem to want me.

No more has been said about contact this week, I think he'd be quite happy to leave things as they are to be honest - no animosity and days out with the baby.
Rest of his time free to do as he pleases.

I don't know where I am though.
What about us and our relationship??
He says he can't take any more of the way I've been treating him, which makes me sound awful but I'm really not.

Some things I've admitted fault to and apologised for, I said I shouldn't have lost my temper and shouted but I just wanted him here and was feeling right at the bottom of the list.

He says he doesn't know if he can get past it.

All I have wanted all along is to be shown love and feel wanted - the little things that make a relationship - the cuddling on the sofa in the evenings, sharing the day's news, snuggling in bed.

I can't stand being in limbo like this.
I haven't told anyone in RL because I just don't want any of this to be happening and I'm embarrassed too because it all sounds so pathetic so I have no friends to talk to about it.

[Deeppansexual]

The baby is WAY too young for overnights.

[Deeppansexual]

I think you should absolutely and explicitly take control of finances and access and not worry at all about what he thinks about it. He'll see his dd and he'll contribute properly to her care financially and with his presence. No popping in, no borrowing all your gear, no reneging on arrangements. Firm but fair.

[stiffstink]

Has he been interested in contact yet OP? Why do you think he feels a right to have overnights? How many times has he been responsible for the baby overnight?

I would deal with him via mediation (instigated by him).

[Coulditbeme]

Could he insist on overnights?
He now seems to feel it's his right to do so.
If it were to go to court ( I hope not) does anyone know if he would be likely to be granted overnights at this stage?

[WeAllHaveWings]

You are not being unreasonable contacting child maintenance.

You are not being controlling wanting a fixed schedule for contact (including weekends).

Agree with other posters he gets to take his baby out, but he provides all the necessary wipes, cream etc.

Keep things reasonable and amicable as long as he is for the sake of your baby but do not be a door mat. Call in the necessary support/mediation if required.

[justmyview]

Be on your guard for a conversation in a few weeks / months when he says all this was a big mistake & he really wants to go back to how it was (ie free lodging in your house instead of paying for his own accommodation)