Aibu to think I should not be the one who is apologising?

[Coulditbeme]

Hi, I do not think I am being unreasonable but my partner thinks I am so I'd like some opinions of people who don't know us please.

Been together 6 years and have a small baby who was not planned but is very much loved by us both.

We both work full time during the week and here's the problem - he spends a lot of time away at weekends with hobbies and seeing family and friends - just says "this is what I'm doing this weekend" and off he goes whilst I am left here alone with my child from a previous relationship and our baby then on his return, which is whenever he chooses, is very happy to see baby and play with her and look after her but I feel very much like he hasn't missed me and only comes back at all for the baby.

He's been having so much fun on these busy weekends away that he falls asleep early the night he comes back and hardly ever wants sex, which I find upsetting.

I really miss him and would love to feel that he has missed me and wants sex with me.
Feel like he doesn't love me.
I've told him many times to no avail.

A couple of weekends ago i lost it when he just went off with a friend and forgot that we had plans. I was so looking forward to finally having a day together, it was a culmination of previous times I've been left to cope alone and when he did turn up I lost my temper, slammed a door and shouted at him that I wasn't putting up with it any more.

He thinks I am being unreasonable, he says doesn't like me when I'm unpleasant and angry and a controlling horrible person.
I stress him out - but his behaviour stresses me out!

I've found myself apologising though i don't think I'm in the wrong here because he was thinking of leaving me unless I basically become a different person, one who will just put up with his shoddy treatment of me without complaint. If I do that then all is well.

I'm so upset I ask is for a bit of consideration and love to be shown.
I don't expect him here all the time, don't mind him seeing friends and family at all.
i just want a simple life with a man who might well go away but comes back when he says he will, tells me he's missed me and makes me feel loved.
Staying awake for sex once in a while might help too.

He never tells me he loves me although when I ask he says he does.
I feel so unloved, I'm just a nuisance.
Feel like he doesn't love me, doesn't fancy me and doesn't consider my feelings.

He just cannot see it at all. Doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.

Who's unreasonable? Me for expecting to be a priority and feel loved or him for expecting to just come and go as he pleases without consulting me?

Was I justified in losing my temper and how do we move forward if we both think the other is at fault??

[mygorgeousmilo]

YANBU but you aren't in a relationship either, sorry. He is disgusting and treating you like a doormat. There is no friend or family member that's more important than you and the baby, there just isn't! And there is also no such thing as a man that can't be bothered to have sex, this screams affair, or he's going out and meeting girls and getting his end away. Either way, he clearly doesn't give a damn. I would throw him out. I would have thrown him out the first time it happened though to be honest. Sorry to be brutal, but unless you get tough then this will be your future.

[QuiteLikely5]

You have a very difficult decision to make.

You have two DC and obviously you did not want to make the same mistake this time as you did last time but it looks like he is not giving you much choice if you don't want your self respect on the floor.

When you have got DC you can't just swan off here there and everywhere.

He is treating you all like an option rather than a priority.

He may well not even mind if you break up because he will just go back to his nice care free life.

The more you lower your standards for this man, the unhappier you will be

[summerainbow]

He just lodges with you for work . His home and famliy are 100 miles and goes home to them . You are not famliy .

[acasualobserver]

He sounds horribly selfish. How did you end up with him? Was he always like this?

[Lebranic]

You are not unreasonable at all. He needs to step up! Completely utterly selfish behaviour, you deserve better than him.

[mickeysminnie]

Has he always gone away every weekend? I agree with summerainbow you are just handy accommodation and company for him while he works near you and he actually goes home every weekend. Possibly to his other relationship or even family!

[FlyingScotsman]

Why are you not going away to see his friends and family with him?
And what was happening before you had the baby? Did you go away together or was he away on his own too?

You are totally right that his behaviour is unacceptable.
You need to start having a bit of self respect and refuse to lower your standard to 'promising you won't get upset again' just to be able to keep him.
Keep who?
The bloke you feel in love with and that treated you nicely
Or the bloke that has no carte at all for your feelings, is refusing to listen to you and is putting you last all the time?

At the moment, you have the latter. And you are in love with the first. Unfortunately, it looks like the first bloke has tranformed himself into the second...

[ohtheholidays]

OP he isn't treating you like your his partner/his equal he's treating you like an employee,your his child minder,cook and cleaner all thrown into one.

In a relationship you don't tell someone what your doing you discuss it!
In a relationship you both give,not one giving and the other one taking all the time!
In a relationship you expect to share things with one another,you expect to have some physical contact,you expect to be heard and valued,you expect to be helped,you expect to be loved and valued!

Right now your partner is doing none of these and you are not to blame he is!

YANBU in the slightest,if one of my sons(we have 3 sons,5DC)behaved the way your partner is when they were in a serious relationship I would be pulling them up on it and so would my DH,there's no way we'd expect one of our DC to abandon they're partner and DC to come and visit us all the time!

[Alohamora]

OP I went through similar round about this time last year although our DC are older.

DH was going away for his hobby all the time, in the first 12 weekends of 2015 he was away for 8!

The final straw came when he prioritised his hobby over our DS birthday and away he went leaving me stunned stupid and DS devastated. I had a thread here at the time. I ended up texting him and gave both barrels at 1am. He was home 10am next day and it was 9 months before he went away again - his choice.

Nowadays we look at weekend he could be away together though he only goes occasionally now and never near a child's birthday. Life is much, much happier for us both now as the resentment has gone.

[NoCakeLeft]

He doesn't love you. YANBU. LTB.

[starry0ne]

I remember been in similar situation .. not to same extent.. I really wanted to work at my marriage but in the end I realised that I couldn't work at the marriage on my own..

He either doesn't care or is having an affair...

He isn't been a good dad... He pops in and out of her life when he feels like it..

The comments he has made is to put you back in your place.. Let him continue as he were..

You need to make exit plans yours or his..

[Catinthecorner]

Drop the eldest with their dad, pack a bag and have a long weekend away, leave Thursday night come back Monday straight to work. Obviously he's only got himself and the baby to look after - you manage so it must be easy. After all in your relationship it's ok to make weekend plans without considering childcare or consulting your partner. Do this as many times as needed to make your point.

[candykane25]

You need to be up and out for the day before he leaves the house. Regardless of whether he has plans, leave him with the baby. Take other DC with you if you need to.
Don't ask, just do it. And do the next day. And the next weekend.
Then he might learn to do things differently.
If he doesn't, it's not working.

[PetraStrorm]

OP, if you did split up, and your ex had to take sole care of your baby when it was his time to have her, how likely do you think he would be to cancel his weekends away to do this? Or change his work schedule to accommodate parenting?

That will give you an idea of how great and committed a father he really is.

[LittleMissBossyBoots]

So sorry you're going this. It's hard when you realise that your 'partner' doesn't love you or value your relationship like you do.

You deserve better

[wannabestressfree]

I would tell him not to come back sorry. It must be really hard reading this and the comments but you deserve so much more and so do your children.
Start putting your foot down now and say no more. How dare he suggest you apologise and that you need to change. My exh was like this. He went away all the time and drank heavily when I was expecting..he wasn't and still isn't family orientated. His loss. I have a lovely partner now....he can't help enough. I never have to ask him to come round or stay in.....
Do you speak to his mum regularly or family? You sound almost like a OW.

[BeckyMcDonald]

He just sounds bloody awful.

What have young given up for this baby? Nine months of carrying her. The physical after effects of pregnancy and birth. Sleep. Time to yourself. Maybe a career? All of your hobbies. Your social life. Possibly some friends who've fallen by the wayside?

What's he given up? Absolutely fuck all.

I wouldn't even entertain having him back. I can't stand people who think their life just continues as normal after children while their other partner sacrifices everything to look after the child. It's so selfish.

[FrogFairy]

So he has basically told you to shut the fuck up and let him do as he pleases.

Can you live like that forever? I couldn't.

[TheUnsullied]

I'd tell him not to bother coming back too. When precisely is he at home? If you're taking all the responsibilities of a single parent and getting none of the benefits of a loving relationship, you may as well get rid of him and save your emotional energy.

[Unicow]

He is bvu if he is refusing to show you any kind of affection and he is swanning off every weekend without you. What's the point of him being with you if he doesn't want to be with you? I would have got mad long before now!

[expatinscotland]

I'd tell him to stay there, too. He's just lodging at yours for work.

[Kariana]

If he threatened to leave you and you had to apologise to get him to stay then I'm afraid your relationship is pretty much already over. No man who loves his partner would do that. I'm really sorry you are going through this but it does sound to me like you need to take a long hard look at this situation. I can appreciate that you want to be loved but don't stay with this man hoping that he's going to 'throw you a bone' on the odd occasion or suddenly change his ways. When he comes back you need to sit him down for a talk and be prepared to be the one making the ultimatum, he will accuse you of being controlling again no doubt but that's because he is so used to controlling you!

[Hairyspiderinyourunderwear]

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."- Maya Angelou

He is showing you exactly where his priority is.

If he spends three out of four weekends with you and says "once a month I'd really like to see my friends and family would you like to come?" then that would be different. He wants to spend his time with them, not you. You come after them when he only has a few hours after work, he wants to spend the bulk of his free time as a single man with his friends and having fun.

I'm sorry he is doing this to you.

[Coulditbeme]

Thankyou for your replies. Good to see that I'm not alone and that others agree that his behaviour is unreasonable.
You've made me feel less like I'm going mad.
He cannot see how he is at fault and I cannot see how he cannot see how he is at fault.