Aibu to think I should not be the one who is apologising?

[Coulditbeme]

Hi, I do not think I am being unreasonable but my partner thinks I am so I'd like some opinions of people who don't know us please.

Been together 6 years and have a small baby who was not planned but is very much loved by us both.

We both work full time during the week and here's the problem - he spends a lot of time away at weekends with hobbies and seeing family and friends - just says "this is what I'm doing this weekend" and off he goes whilst I am left here alone with my child from a previous relationship and our baby then on his return, which is whenever he chooses, is very happy to see baby and play with her and look after her but I feel very much like he hasn't missed me and only comes back at all for the baby.

He's been having so much fun on these busy weekends away that he falls asleep early the night he comes back and hardly ever wants sex, which I find upsetting.

I really miss him and would love to feel that he has missed me and wants sex with me.
Feel like he doesn't love me.
I've told him many times to no avail.

A couple of weekends ago i lost it when he just went off with a friend and forgot that we had plans. I was so looking forward to finally having a day together, it was a culmination of previous times I've been left to cope alone and when he did turn up I lost my temper, slammed a door and shouted at him that I wasn't putting up with it any more.

He thinks I am being unreasonable, he says doesn't like me when I'm unpleasant and angry and a controlling horrible person.
I stress him out - but his behaviour stresses me out!

I've found myself apologising though i don't think I'm in the wrong here because he was thinking of leaving me unless I basically become a different person, one who will just put up with his shoddy treatment of me without complaint. If I do that then all is well.

I'm so upset I ask is for a bit of consideration and love to be shown.
I don't expect him here all the time, don't mind him seeing friends and family at all.
i just want a simple life with a man who might well go away but comes back when he says he will, tells me he's missed me and makes me feel loved.
Staying awake for sex once in a while might help too.

He never tells me he loves me although when I ask he says he does.
I feel so unloved, I'm just a nuisance.
Feel like he doesn't love me, doesn't fancy me and doesn't consider my feelings.

He just cannot see it at all. Doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.

Who's unreasonable? Me for expecting to be a priority and feel loved or him for expecting to just come and go as he pleases without consulting me?

Was I justified in losing my temper and how do we move forward if we both think the other is at fault??

[ElspethFlashman]

What age is the baby?

[kittybiscuits]

Child Maintenance Service only costs £20. I would wait for him to suggest a contact schedule (lol). If he starts suggesting he pops over at a time of his choosing I would tell him to book mediation so a schedule can be agreed. Please start CMS straight away because it's obvious how he is going to be.

[Coulditbeme]

She is one year old.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Where is he living now?

I have a horrible feeling that he's spent the last year or so buttering up someone closer to home and he'll probably move in with her in a few weeks/months (long enough that he can convincingly say she wasn't part of the break up). Maybe prepare yourself for that?

He has done you a favour but it must hurt, I'm sorry.

[Coulditbeme]

He is renting a flat nearby.

It wouldn't surprise me if an OW pops up soon. He swears not but we shall see.

I just don't know what to do wrt contact.

If I say no more popping in and out it'll be me wanting it all my own way but I don't know what to suggest by way of formalising contact because I don't want my baby going away with him for overnights and certainly not whole weekends.
Not whilst she is so young.

[Hairyspiderinyourunderwear]

So what if it is you wanting it all your own way. Give him plenty of options but nail it down to certain times spread through the week (I'm evil so I'd allow all day Saturday and Sunday for one) He has had it all his way up till now.

[RandomMess]

I think regarding contact you offer something like:

Tuesday & Thursday evenings (5pm-7pm depending on work/bedtime), two out of three Sunday afternoons 2pm-7pm)

That means him collecting her and dropping her back. You have her ready to go but no changing bag palaver he sorts his own out!

[ElspethFlashman]

God yes to him having his own supplies at the flat. Any fool can buy baby wipes! Don't supply them!

I also would make one of the days on the weekend, just out of evilness.....

[TutanKaDashian]

Dump him OP, he's not a partner. He's a twat and you can do loads better. My ex-husband was exactly like this, seemed to see me as a convenient babysitting service However, now I'm with someone decent and we do nearly everything together. I love it.

[buckingfrolicks]

I guess you could try family mediation here - given that you seem willing for him to see your DD, and he seems to want to, then a mediation session might really help you both.

[silverpenny]

He sounds awful. Are you sure he isn't seeing someone else in his home town?

What on earth are you getting from this relationship at the moment? It sounds like nothing and it awful being treated like this and YOU end up apologising.

LTB.

[Marmalade85]

My DP was always making plans and leaving me with a small baby. The only thing that worked is that if he goes out for a day without the baby, then I get a day without the baby. If he goes out for 6 hours then I get 6 hours free time - it soon reduced the amount of time he would spend away.

[justmyview]

Be on your guard for a conversation in a few weeks / months when he says all this was a big mistake & he really wants to go back to how it was (ie free lodging in your house instead of paying for his own accommodation)

[WeAllHaveWings]

You are not being unreasonable contacting child maintenance.

You are not being controlling wanting a fixed schedule for contact (including weekends).

Agree with other posters he gets to take his baby out, but he provides all the necessary wipes, cream etc.

Keep things reasonable and amicable as long as he is for the sake of your baby but do not be a door mat. Call in the necessary support/mediation if required.

[Coulditbeme]

Could he insist on overnights?
He now seems to feel it's his right to do so.
If it were to go to court ( I hope not) does anyone know if he would be likely to be granted overnights at this stage?

[stiffstink]

Has he been interested in contact yet OP? Why do you think he feels a right to have overnights? How many times has he been responsible for the baby overnight?

I would deal with him via mediation (instigated by him).

[Deeppansexual]

I think you should absolutely and explicitly take control of finances and access and not worry at all about what he thinks about it. He'll see his dd and he'll contribute properly to her care financially and with his presence. No popping in, no borrowing all your gear, no reneging on arrangements. Firm but fair.

[Deeppansexual]

The baby is WAY too young for overnights.

[Coulditbeme]

It's been a good week but a rotten week too.
We had already booked the week off work so no work this week to distract.
It's been good in the sense that we've seen each other every day and taken our baby places together then he has gone back to his place on his own at nights.
It has also been rotten for much the same reason.
We've had nice time together, I love being together and doing things together with the baby, it's what I saw for the future.
It is very hurtful when he pops over, we have a nice time then goes back alone at night.

It's good that he wants to spend time with our baby but it hurts that he doesn't seem to want me.

No more has been said about contact this week, I think he'd be quite happy to leave things as they are to be honest - no animosity and days out with the baby.
Rest of his time free to do as he pleases.

I don't know where I am though.
What about us and our relationship??
He says he can't take any more of the way I've been treating him, which makes me sound awful but I'm really not.

Some things I've admitted fault to and apologised for, I said I shouldn't have lost my temper and shouted but I just wanted him here and was feeling right at the bottom of the list.

He says he doesn't know if he can get past it.

All I have wanted all along is to be shown love and feel wanted - the little things that make a relationship - the cuddling on the sofa in the evenings, sharing the day's news, snuggling in bed.

I can't stand being in limbo like this.
I haven't told anyone in RL because I just don't want any of this to be happening and I'm embarrassed too because it all sounds so pathetic so I have no friends to talk to about it.

[StopShoutingAtYourBrother]

Hold on - he doesn't know if he can get past you shouting at him?

Shouting cos you're tired of being left alone every single weekend with his baby while he goes out and leads a single life?

[StopShoutingAtYourBrother]

If this is the case OP then it sounds like he's feeling guilty, doesn't want to take any kind of ownership for the situation and cos you're nice and accommodating trying his best to convince you its all your problem.

Op - unless he can grow up and admit what's really going on, I'd say it's already over.

[honeyroar]

He doesn't know if he can get past this?? So what OP, this is about you and your baby and working things out so you're not his free au pair/mother while he has a fun life.

Try and give yourself some space. Don't go on joint happy family outings, they will only hurt/prolong the situation. Let him take baby for a few hours while you go shopping or see a friend. Try and use it to become you again, not someone stuck at home waiting around.

As for him taking her overnight, he might try it a couple of times, but I suspect it won't be such fun without you doing the mundane bits ani it will also impact negatively on his single act/any new relationship, so I expect he won't push for as much as you expect..

[holdinghands]

You're going on outings together? I'm sorry OP but that doesn't sound like it's going to help you move on with your life. You're obviously still in love with him and would love to be a family again (although it doesn't sound as though you ever were) and family outings are just going to reinforce that feeling. You also mentioned having no friends to talk to, this will also make you focus on wanting him back so you're not on your own.

If I was in your position (and I have been) I would make it clear that he is welcome to see his child but it should be without you. I would also set out regular visits and not just when he feels like it. Basically his behaviour hasn't changed, he was in control while you were together and he still is, even though he has left.

You should also check what mother and baby groups are available in your area. Once you make friends and have people to talk to/go out with, you will start thinking of life without him. As long as you continue with these family outings you will never move on. And maybe he knows that.

[holdinghands]

Oh and remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe if you start making a life for yourself and he sees your moving on, he might just see what he's lost. If we can tell you're still in love with him, he can too.