Desperate for some advice... It's regarding my son (who is 12)... Anyone?

[somewhereoverthere]

Hi,

I literally have no one to talk about this to... I'm just desperate for advice. I can't find much info online, but came across here.

My son has a laptop, his dad brought it for him (we are recently divorced) and I was never keen on the idea. However, it has a been a big help for homework and my son uses it a lot to Skype with his dad, who he only sees once a month - that's a whole other issue.

We have some controls on there - as much as I could possibly find, I spent a lot of time Googling, etc. and things have been going okay.

However, he does use Skype to talk to his new friends, from high school. They all have it, apparently, and it's good if you don't have FaceTime, which he doesn't. He has been taking his laptop to his room a lot, which I have tried my best to discourage. However, he complains that it gets to loud downstairs when he is trying to work (I have 3 other children) - 8, 6 and 4. Also, the younger one does constantly press the keys, which I then get a bad attitude from my older son (the one I have talking about). So I have just let him take it up, he gets his homework done.

Everything has been working out okay, I haven't really thought much of it.

However, he was crying in the bathroom for about 35 minutes, something which was very odd, so I ended up getting him out of there, for him to just break down in my arms. I gave him a cuddle and asked what the problem was, he got angry, stormed away and said he just couldn't tell me.

I later get a knock on the door from 2 of my son's best friends, who live in our village (they don't go to his school) and asked if they could speak to him and I tried to explain that he was a bit upset and asked if they might know if anything has happened recently. They looked at each other in a really weird way, I was then panicking and admit I raised my voice a bit at them, they said I should ask him and left with a bad attitude, because I shouted at them (not really a shout, but a raised voice). I now feel really bad about this, but cannot sit and worry.

I went up and told my son who I had just saw and for him to tell me. He starts shouting about how this man is unfair and how he is going to be in so much trouble and how sorry he is and how he is packing all his bags. I tried to get him to calm down; he then grabs some pain relief and says he might as well just take them all. I snatched them and just told him to tell me and tried to explain that I would sort it.

He then was explaining how he did something really stupid online. That this person said that he was a 13 year old girl and said that he knew (a friend of my son's name) and he had told her to add him. However, he wasn't actually that person, etc. etc.

My son then explains how he showed on his webcam and it was a big mistake and was literally sobbing with tears - I tried to calm him down and was trying to say that I'm not mad at him and we can sort it and we will report it and all that.

He then goes on to say how it isn't possible and all his friends have seen an image of him naked and they all laughed at school today and everyone knows and have been sending it all around to everyone. He says that everyone has been nasty and printed posters out of this picture, but he was saying that it was at his after school club so no teachers or other years know yet, but how they will on Monday and how they will post it all over Facebook (my son is not on Facebook) etc. etc.

My son is literally in hysterics. I have no idea how to help, I am trying to say that it will be okay, but really, I don't know if it will? It sounds awful, I just don't know what to do or say, or whatever. I'm just lost and need some advice. He is cooped away in his room, crying and screaming. He has lost the plot.

Please can someone here just give me a little advice? Please, I'm absolutely desperate.

I have actually told Dd (12) that it's an offence. As part of a wider discussion about Internet use and dangers.

However, I think telling the OP that is only going to make her more reluctant to call the police and certainly don't think this should be pointed out to the child in question at this stage. Thinking he will be done for crime is likely to top him over the edge.

Just to add, OP, that when this happened at my son's school - a very similar incident, the school & police dealt with it very sympathetically and the boys who had also been tricked into sending inappropriate photos were all very well supported through the process.

And, it feels horrible when you are going through it, but it will blow over, your son will get over it with your love and support.

Can I just reiterate - and I have direct experience of this - the police are very unlikely to blame a 12-year-old boy for this.

Does anybody remember the case of the, I think, 15 yo girl who 'eloped' with her teacher and was eventually found in France some years ago?
He had been grooming her for years, her family are friends of friends.
Naice family, grew up in little village, computer in the living room only, had no smart phone (remember those days when not every child barely out of nappies had a smartphone?), popular at school etc etc. The parents had no idea. She used the public computers to communicate with him, and no alarm bells rang when she said she was 'emailing MrSoandso' as her parents assumed it was legitimate school related stuff.

OP, please don't be put off calling the appropriate help in for your son by the discussion on this thread. This is absolutely a police matter and will help to protect him and who knows how many other children.

My heart goes out to both you and your son. This is devastating for him and I hope school and the police step in and take real action to find the culprits of such a cruel and intimate trick.

I hope you have now called the police so they can figure out what's really going on.
There are some hlevil people out there
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/11679309/Teenage-blackmail-victim-killed-himself-hours-after-gang-sent-intimate-pictures-to-a-friend.html

Evil not hlevil.

I really hope you've called the police about this - you really must. I also hope your DS is ok - the police will be able to help him with the distribution issues and talk him down, hopefully.

As others have said, it is a criminal offence to distribute naked pictures of children, even if you are the child in question, but the Police are unlikely to be harsh on your DS. The others who continued to distribute the picture though - another matter. They will be dealt with far more harshly, and rightly so.

This stuff should have been taught in school - they should all KNOW that it's a criminal offence, ffs, and yet it still happens. :(

So so sorry that he has fallen victim to this trick and I really hope that the Police help your son come to terms with what has happened to him.

I read this last night and just finished. Sadly, as a secondary teacher, I know of plenty of occassions where this kind of thing has happened. We need to be drumming esafety into our kids from toddlerhood.

I haven't read the full thread but I'm sure it's been made very clear that you need to report to the police.

When I was 14 after years of bullying even the couple of friends I thought I had (though in hindsight I realize they weren't really friends) turned on me. I appreciate it's not the same situation but I just remember the feeling of being early teens in absolute crisis and not knowing how on earth I could carry on with my life from that point. My parents shifted heaven and earth for me to move schools and it turned everything around for me.

At the moment he must be dwelling on how on earth he will ever face going back to that school again. I really think if you can offer him a "run" option it could be the solution you need.

Can we stop linking to suicide after such events please?
Far more children go through similar and while distressing, they do NOT commit suicide in far higher numbers, and the OP is worried for her son already.
Reporting bias means that such tragic events will be reported, whereas the more common outcomes don't make good copy so won't get publicised.

somewhere, you need to be the adult here and do the right thing and your son need to see you doing the right thing: be in his corner, absolutely and totally, and get the authorities involved. This is far bigger than the both of you.

Depending on what happened the police may well blame the boy. They did with my nephew and he was only 13. If you don't believe me, read their own statement:
www.theguardian.com/media/2014/jul/22/teenagers-share-sexts-face-prosecution-police

That's why I'm suggesting finding out the details of the situation first, i.e. was he coerced / was there an adult involved. If no adult involved and he sent the image voluntarily, the police may tell him he's committed an offence, which will no doubt make him feel even worse than he already does.

OP I hope DS is feeling better this morning and that you both managed to get some sleep

Surely those circulating or holding the image are at risk off police prosecution?
Have you thought of posting this on threads related to legal advice, OP?
Hope your DS is okay

Pacific oyster and I posted about the same case. The OP wasn't sure whether things were serious enough to involve police. Ronan's story highlights why she must. This was not a case of cyber bullying by others in the school, it was a dangerous Nigerian gang who prey on young people to gain money. I just felt the OP needed to know that this was a possibility!

No Carol, just no.

The worst possible advice is for the OP to get to the bottom of it before police involvement.

Jesus wept.

There are naked images of her 12 yr old son circulating - it doesn't matter how or why it happened at this moment in time - that's for later.
What matters now is getting it contained as quickly as possible - this means the police as an emergency and the school.

Fwiw I have repeatedly spoken to my children about Internet safety from the moment they started using it.
I've told them about cases like this as they've been in the news & put it in terms of 'don't share anything online that you're not happy for your entire school to see - words or pictures'.
Every parent should be doing this from a very early age.
This could be any one of us in this situation.

I asked DD(16) how this sort of thing went down in her school. Honestly this happens a lot.

Inform the Police, the Police will come into school. At that moment students will delete any pictures they have on their phones (puppies and kittens!). Having had the living daylights scared out of them.

As long as your DS isnt defensive and any reaction he gives is positive then this will all be done and dusted in a couple of weeks.

But, and this is the hard bit, your DS sent the picture in the expectation of getting a picture back. He should not be sending pictures or asking for pictures.

Sorry to make clear, when the police come in students will delete any pictures they have on their phones even the puppies and kittens!

The thing is, this can happen in any school, and does. In my ds's school they have internet safety drummed into them constantly, which is reinforced by most parents at home. But unfortunately some hormonal boys just forget it in the heat of the moment and fall for the online lies if they think/hope a 'girl' is interested in them.

OP please update this thread. Your DS has been groomed and abused by a paedophile please seek police advice.

Its a police matter. I know how your son feels it happened to me when i was 18 on my fb, must be even worse at his age cause hes still in school. Please keep an eye on him at all times.

Police, straight away.

Mango do you really think it will help her son's state of mind to think he's in trouble with the police right now? Ffs he's in enough of a state as it is. Not to mention that IF this turns out to be a prank by other kids and IF her son sent the image voluntarily, the police will probably record it as a crime. I'm not saying he'll be prosecuted but police can and do issue cautions for this sort of thing and even if they don't it'll go on his file and could have long term implications for him re. DBS checks etc.

Depending what happened, the school could probably deal with this effectively and without escalating the situation the way the police would. I'm not saying definitely don't call the police. I'm just saying that, depending on the details of the situation, police involvement could be unhelpful for the child and have unpleasant repercussions for him.

Absolutely DO NOT investigate this yourself.

Get the police/CEOP involved - whether it turns out to be a prank or a huge paedophile ring or something in between, this goes beyond 'normal' parenting challenges.

to you, somewhere.