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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Desperate for some advice... It's regarding my son (who is 12)... Anyone?

249 replies

somewhereoverthere · 06/05/2016 21:40

Hi,

I literally have no one to talk about this to... I'm just desperate for advice. I can't find much info online, but came across here.

My son has a laptop, his dad brought it for him (we are recently divorced) and I was never keen on the idea. However, it has a been a big help for homework and my son uses it a lot to Skype with his dad, who he only sees once a month - that's a whole other issue.

We have some controls on there - as much as I could possibly find, I spent a lot of time Googling, etc. and things have been going okay.

However, he does use Skype to talk to his new friends, from high school. They all have it, apparently, and it's good if you don't have FaceTime, which he doesn't. He has been taking his laptop to his room a lot, which I have tried my best to discourage. However, he complains that it gets to loud downstairs when he is trying to work (I have 3 other children) - 8, 6 and 4. Also, the younger one does constantly press the keys, which I then get a bad attitude from my older son (the one I have talking about). So I have just let him take it up, he gets his homework done.

Everything has been working out okay, I haven't really thought much of it.

However, he was crying in the bathroom for about 35 minutes, something which was very odd, so I ended up getting him out of there, for him to just break down in my arms. I gave him a cuddle and asked what the problem was, he got angry, stormed away and said he just couldn't tell me.

I later get a knock on the door from 2 of my son's best friends, who live in our village (they don't go to his school) and asked if they could speak to him and I tried to explain that he was a bit upset and asked if they might know if anything has happened recently. They looked at each other in a really weird way, I was then panicking and admit I raised my voice a bit at them, they said I should ask him and left with a bad attitude, because I shouted at them (not really a shout, but a raised voice). I now feel really bad about this, but cannot sit and worry.

I went up and told my son who I had just saw and for him to tell me. He starts shouting about how this man is unfair and how he is going to be in so much trouble and how sorry he is and how he is packing all his bags. I tried to get him to calm down; he then grabs some pain relief and says he might as well just take them all. I snatched them and just told him to tell me and tried to explain that I would sort it.

He then was explaining how he did something really stupid online. That this person said that he was a 13 year old girl and said that he knew (a friend of my son's name) and he had told her to add him. However, he wasn't actually that person, etc. etc.

My son then explains how he showed on his webcam and it was a big mistake and was literally sobbing with tears - I tried to calm him down and was trying to say that I'm not mad at him and we can sort it and we will report it and all that.

He then goes on to say how it isn't possible and all his friends have seen an image of him naked and they all laughed at school today and everyone knows and have been sending it all around to everyone. He says that everyone has been nasty and printed posters out of this picture, but he was saying that it was at his after school club so no teachers or other years know yet, but how they will on Monday and how they will post it all over Facebook (my son is not on Facebook) etc. etc.

My son is literally in hysterics. I have no idea how to help, I am trying to say that it will be okay, but really, I don't know if it will? It sounds awful, I just don't know what to do or say, or whatever. I'm just lost and need some advice. He is cooped away in his room, crying and screaming. He has lost the plot.

Please can someone here just give me a little advice? Please, I'm absolutely desperate.

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 07/05/2016 10:13

The fact remains that he shouldn't have sent images of himself naked to anyone. That's not victim blaming, that's fact.

No, that's victim blaming, in it's purest form.

PacificDogwod · 07/05/2016 10:15

I think it is north tbh

gingergenie · 07/05/2016 10:17

Agreed BillSykesDog - it is technically a crime but he will not be treated as a criminal. And rightly so. The criminals are those who have tricked him and betrayed him. I guess the law is there to cut down loopholes I.e. The perpetrator/paedophile involved getting away with it by saying "I didn't take those pictures, they took them of themselves" kind of thing. In no way whatsoever do I believe that this child is a criminal. But telling children it's technically a crime, might just prevent more children getting caught out like this?

PacificDogwod · 07/05/2016 10:18

Ah, crap, both

gingergenie · 07/05/2016 10:20

No. It is not victim blaming. If my sons or daughter sent naked pictures of themselves to others online I'd be horrified. The repercussions are absolutely horrific and my children would get every ounce of support. I am showing you what is on the Ceop website, where they tell people not to send pictures of themselves. That is NOT victim blaming.

BillSykesDog · 07/05/2016 10:21

I think it's more there to stop 16 year old girls going on Adultwork and doing Camwork or selling mucky pics as a way to get around the law by saying that nobody else has distributed it.

I certainly don't think it's meant to apply to groomed 12 year olds.

But telling children it's technically a crime, might just prevent more children getting caught out like this?

At the expense of rushing to criminalise a child victim in a highly distressing situation?

BillSykesDog · 07/05/2016 10:23

Yes it is victim blaming. It's straight down the line of 'You were wearing a short skirt, had a drink so you deserved it'.

KoalaDownUnder · 07/05/2016 10:24

Actually, BillSykes, it is not.

'Victim blaming in its purest form' would be 'OP's son deserves what he got for sending the pictures'.

Nobody here is saying that. Nobody is that callous.

People are saying he did something wrong. Sending naked pictures of yourself to a stranger you think is a 13-year-old is wrong (and, possibly, criminal), even if you are 12 yourself. Fact.

That doesn't mean he wasn't a victim of whoever enticed him. He was.

I would say exactly the same if the genders were reversed.

gingergenie · 07/05/2016 10:25

No one has expressed a rush to do anything other than comfort this poor boy, calm him down and help his poor mum move forward in what must be horrific circumstances. I certainly haven't said anything about rushing to tell the lad he's to blame. Far from it. Your understanding of the devious nature of paedophiles is a bit naive. They are adept at manipulation. I used information from the Ceop site to highlight the law on the matter, not to state that this boy should be treated with anything less than the love, compassion and care that he needs and deserves.

Kenworthington · 07/05/2016 10:26

A similar thing happened with my son when he was about 13, we called police who were very interested. All computers and phones were taken off and analysed. It blew up into a massive investigation. Some man had been targeting young teens (all boys- all either out as gay or questioning their sexuality), I'd (unfortunately) seen all the messages, he was very convincing (posed as a 13 yr old boy) and it moved very very quickly. Ds did go on to develop some issues I belive as a result of this. He's 17 now and totally gone but it was a dark place for him for a while. Please please call the police asap if you haven't already. Chances are it won't just be your son that's been duped. for you, it's a horrible horrible thing to have to deal with

KoalaDownUnder · 07/05/2016 10:26

We cross-posted.

Not one person has said the OP's son deserved it.

Sending naked pictures/videos of yourself is not in the same ballpark as wearing a short skirt. I can't believe you suggested that.

tvremote · 07/05/2016 10:29

I'm not saying this in a horrible way, but we don't know how their conversation went, he may have been asking the 'girl' for pictures... She then may have said if you go first and off he sent? He may have actually asked, or anything! We don't know really

SouthWesterlyWinds · 07/05/2016 10:30

Am I correct - skimmed the thread but is your son is threatening to hurt himself, you're in the countryside with other children? Can you make it straight to the police station? If no, then it's not 101, it's a 999 job. It happened this morning, he's going to hurt himself if you leave him alone and 101 will take its time to get back to you. Let the police co-ordinators sort it out. They will automatically contact CEOP, who are mainly Mon-Fri but do have a skeleton crew at the weekend.

PacificDogwod · 07/05/2016 10:31

Yes, I do think ALL teens need to get the message that sending naked pictures of yourself to somebody you think is a 13 year old girl is wrong and a criminal act, no matter what age you are yourself.

Gawd, what a minefield.

There are screeds of pictures of me in the buff when I was a toddler/child, on beaches, in gran's garden running around under the lawn sprinkler. Of course they were taken before everything went digital (I am ancient ), but I do find it upsetting that this would now be seen as a questionable act: parents documenting their child's fund, and that it is far less likely that children will be allowed to enjoy their naked bodies under any circumstances. Sad.

PacificDogwod · 07/05/2016 10:32

It does not matter who asked first.
Why are 13 year old even considering naked photos of each other??

I am so out of touch. It weirds me out tbh.

GrumpyOldBag · 07/05/2016 10:32

Call the police, call the school.

This type of incident has happened at my son's school, it is increasingly common, you need professional help to deal with it.

And obviously it is not your son's fault.

BeckyWithTheHair · 07/05/2016 10:33

Call the police right away! Contact the school, arrange to go in first thing on Monday morning, the school will hopefully be able to gather the children together before the school day and explain the serious implications of sharing those pictures.

Favouritethings · 07/05/2016 10:33

How is your ds today op? Xx

BeckyWithTheHair · 07/05/2016 10:34

Also do you have any relatives or close friends that he may be more open to talking to? Like an Aunt or Uncle? He is obviously embarrassed and may feel more comfortable talking to someone else.

BillSykesDog · 07/05/2016 10:35

Not one person has said the OP's son deserved it.

Sending naked pictures/videos of yourself is not in the same ballpark as wearing a short skirt. I can't believe you suggested that.

Jesus Christ. Even that actual post implies he is to blame by suggesting that sending the pictures puts him in a 'different ball park' of culpability.

I'm hiding this thread. Enjoy telling a mother in obvious distress that her son's to blame for a sexual offence committed against him and is, in fact, a criminal himself.

What lovely people you are, how helpful, how constructive.

cecinestpasunepipe · 07/05/2016 10:36

I hope your son has managed to calm down this morning. If not, I think you need get medical help for him. Poor, poor boy.
Without being overdramatic, I agree with all the pps about police involvement. You sound like a very loving mother, by the way. You and he WILL get through this, OP. Sending you both love.

MrsKCastle · 07/05/2016 10:38

OP, please do phone the police if you haven't yet. They are (sadly) very used to this kind of thing and have special teams to deal with it.

They will be able to establish exactly what has happened. At this stage, it is possible that it is a prank by a couple of your DS's friends which could go no further. I know your DS thinks it was a 'man' but this could be just as much a lie as the '13 year old girl'.

It is also possible that there is an adult involved, who has been communicating with children from your son's friendship group/school. Paedophiles often do trick children into sharing naked images of themselves, and then use these images to blackmail and threaten the child. At least you NOW know that there is a problem and you can deal with it, so it won't go further. If there is an adult, they have lost any power that they might have had because you are aware.

MrsKCastle · 07/05/2016 10:41

Just to add that if you call the police, they will do all the necessary communication with the school and any other children involved. They should be your first phone call.

KoalaDownUnder · 07/05/2016 10:44

Bill, you are not listening.

Wearing a short skirt is not an offence.

Sending naked pictures of yourself to a child is.

The two acts are 'in a different ballpark' of wrongness, whether you like it or not.

YOU are the only person bringing up the notion that the OP's son is to blame for the actions of the person who tricked him.

Stop shooting the messengers.

CarolH78 · 07/05/2016 10:46

I don't think anyone is saying he's to blame - quite the opposite, I don't think he's to blame at all but depending on what exactly happened the police may treat him as if he's (at least partly) to blame. I don't think being told he's committed a criminal offence is what the poor kid needs to hear right now, hence why I'm suggesting caution about involving police because that may be exactly what they tell him. And yes, as Larry said, it goes on police file even if they don't pursue it

Of course, it does depend entirely on what really happened. If it was an adult then go to police, no question. If it was another child at school then it depends on the conversations they had. If OP's DS was bullied/blackmailed into sending the image, then police will blame only the bully. But if he willingly sent a naked image to the "13 year old girl" he thought he was talking to, then he has committed an offence. I'm not saying I agree with that but it's the law and the police will tell him so.

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