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Original poster

Desperate for some advice... It's regarding my son (who is 12)... Anyone?

249 replies

somewhereoverthere · 06/05/2016 21:40

Hi,

I literally have no one to talk about this to... I'm just desperate for advice. I can't find much info online, but came across here.

My son has a laptop, his dad brought it for him (we are recently divorced) and I was never keen on the idea. However, it has a been a big help for homework and my son uses it a lot to Skype with his dad, who he only sees once a month - that's a whole other issue.

We have some controls on there - as much as I could possibly find, I spent a lot of time Googling, etc. and things have been going okay.

However, he does use Skype to talk to his new friends, from high school. They all have it, apparently, and it's good if you don't have FaceTime, which he doesn't. He has been taking his laptop to his room a lot, which I have tried my best to discourage. However, he complains that it gets to loud downstairs when he is trying to work (I have 3 other children) - 8, 6 and 4. Also, the younger one does constantly press the keys, which I then get a bad attitude from my older son (the one I have talking about). So I have just let him take it up, he gets his homework done.

Everything has been working out okay, I haven't really thought much of it.

However, he was crying in the bathroom for about 35 minutes, something which was very odd, so I ended up getting him out of there, for him to just break down in my arms. I gave him a cuddle and asked what the problem was, he got angry, stormed away and said he just couldn't tell me.

I later get a knock on the door from 2 of my son's best friends, who live in our village (they don't go to his school) and asked if they could speak to him and I tried to explain that he was a bit upset and asked if they might know if anything has happened recently. They looked at each other in a really weird way, I was then panicking and admit I raised my voice a bit at them, they said I should ask him and left with a bad attitude, because I shouted at them (not really a shout, but a raised voice). I now feel really bad about this, but cannot sit and worry.

I went up and told my son who I had just saw and for him to tell me. He starts shouting about how this man is unfair and how he is going to be in so much trouble and how sorry he is and how he is packing all his bags. I tried to get him to calm down; he then grabs some pain relief and says he might as well just take them all. I snatched them and just told him to tell me and tried to explain that I would sort it.

He then was explaining how he did something really stupid online. That this person said that he was a 13 year old girl and said that he knew (a friend of my son's name) and he had told her to add him. However, he wasn't actually that person, etc. etc.

My son then explains how he showed on his webcam and it was a big mistake and was literally sobbing with tears - I tried to calm him down and was trying to say that I'm not mad at him and we can sort it and we will report it and all that.

He then goes on to say how it isn't possible and all his friends have seen an image of him naked and they all laughed at school today and everyone knows and have been sending it all around to everyone. He says that everyone has been nasty and printed posters out of this picture, but he was saying that it was at his after school club so no teachers or other years know yet, but how they will on Monday and how they will post it all over Facebook (my son is not on Facebook) etc. etc.

My son is literally in hysterics. I have no idea how to help, I am trying to say that it will be okay, but really, I don't know if it will? It sounds awful, I just don't know what to do or say, or whatever. I'm just lost and need some advice. He is cooped away in his room, crying and screaming. He has lost the plot.

Please can someone here just give me a little advice? Please, I'm absolutely desperate.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 06/05/2016 22:10

OP - the police will be able to trace whoever posed as a girl and persuaded your son to send picture. It is not difficult to do. As PP have said, this is criminal activity - possibly grooming, definitely cyber bullying. The age of criminal responsibility is 10.
Some girls were expelled from a local school several years ago for cyber bullying - to a far lesser degree than this. The police and the school will take it very seriously.

You need to keep your son with you and probably contact your GP for advice. Your son is going to need support to get through this - especially if he is feeling suicidal.
Don't leave him alone and don't send him back to school until this is reported and being dealt with. Poor kid. I am so sorry this happened to him. Thank goodness you found out straight away though.

Your son's dad should have made sure he went through appropriate internet safety advice before he even bought him the lap top.Angry

Spermysextowel · 06/05/2016 22:14

I'd contact the groups that others have suggested to find out who did this & try to stop it & I second

pillowaddict · 06/05/2016 22:16

He needs you to tell him you'll make it ok so you need to do that, be strong for him, reassure him and if that means telling him he won't go back until you've spoken with teachers make that happen. He will be feeling guilty and foolish, and he's clearly learnt his lesson re online safety, so make sure he knows he's not being punished. Contact police as others have advised I would suggest finding out role of friends who visited as it seems they may have been there to support him? Tomorrow he may feel up to contacting them for some peer reassurance? I know this must feel horrendous for you, I feel for you both, it will be okay, and whoever was behind it will hopefully be caught and not go unpunished.

Drivingforpeace · 06/05/2016 22:17

I would like to add that your son needs to hear you are not angry with him and that you will not judge him. That you are on his side and will support him totally. I think at that age my worst fear would have been my parent's reaction and 'disappointment' in me. Stay with him all night and comfort him.

BoffinMum · 06/05/2016 22:18

Report it to school and if the school has sense the culprits will be dealt with and they will be able to give advice. Get him to walk tall and completely ignore as much of the teasing as possible. More importantly tell him you will look after this and take the weight off his shoulders.

foursillybeans · 06/05/2016 22:18

Contact the police and see if there is a victim support officer who can visit you as soon as possible. They may be able to speak to your son in a way that he really understands and also assure he that it isn't just him that this has happened too. Your poor DS. It's frightening.
Can you encourage your DS's other two friends who came round who aren't at the same school to come round again over the weekend and visit him.

MangoMoon · 06/05/2016 22:19

I am so, so sorry that this has happened to your son. Poor, poor boy xx

As other people have said, Police, school - urgently.

Wrt your son, just loads and loads of reassurance that he's not to blame, that you are on his side and that he will come through this.

Lots of love to you all FlowersFlowers

Oly5 · 06/05/2016 22:19

police and school as others have said
keep your son off school and ask for a visit at home from a teacher he trusts
this will blow over but he must be so sad
keep him very close to you for the next few weeks, tell him you are there for him and you'll get through it together

Spermysextowel · 06/05/2016 22:20

Sorry hit wrong thing
I second Storms advice to contact the 2 friends who came to visit. Seems v likely they came as they were concerned & your son may take reassurance more readily from people of his own age.
I would also go with keeping a very careful eye on him too.
I feel for you. You've done your best but the technological age is a beast even if you're really savvy (& I'm aware I'm not).

EverySongbirdSays · 06/05/2016 22:23

Your poor son. Poor you.

I can only second what others have said - that this is a crime, that sharing the image is a crime, that the person who posed as a teenage girl could likely be a sex offender.

Police. ASAP.

I wish you the very best going forward with this.

MessedUpWheelieBin · 06/05/2016 22:30

Yes to police, but regarding the total lost the plot, non-ending hysteria, and probably in his head, life overnight becoming no longer worth living, I’ve been there.

My son was a victim at that age of a serious gang beating with hefty sexual overtones that was then shared across phones and the web under a derogatory feminising title.

He was tricked into turning up for it to happen, and it was this part that was the straw that did the breaking.

Right now your son's behaviour is because he's stuck between fight and flight impulses and can’t do either and that’s what’s breaking him.

That’s why the packing bags/take pills. Anything, anything, to make this end. Police action may help as it means something’s happening, rather than this.

Watch out for him banging his head on the wall.. If he Is banging his head there’s an amount that he needs to do, and an amount that’s too much.

He needs to be (probably) discreetly, watched to ensure he doesn’t hurt himself, allowed to wear himself out and totally reassured that the adult world will be taking over dealing with all of this, and kept very busy later.

You may have to ‘put your foot down’ to show that you are more than capable of dealing and sorting this, (fake it ‘till you make it) combined with being a safe pair of arms. You will know your relationship with your son and what he needs in what measure.

If he’s saying he can’t ever show his face at school etc, reassure him if it really came to it there’s home ed.

One day he may be able to ‘own’ this. You can help him by pointing out no one currently knows how mortified he is, and even if they do, he can still carry it off.
He isn;t the first or the last.

Right now he needs to feel there are safe ways out, and that he doesn’t have to handle this. We know he does, but that comes later. This advice is for dealing with now.

(Young minds may be a good place to call, but not sure they answer eve’s and weekends.)

You can guide and help him through this, even if right now you don’t feel like you can. Be a solid rock. Flowers

MessedUpWheelieBin · 06/05/2016 22:31

that was filmed then shared

JinRamen · 06/05/2016 22:32

Your poor son.

Police is a good place to start definitely.

Himalayanrock · 06/05/2016 22:32

I think also advice from Police and if he is hysterically upset..don't leave him. Also if he is threatening to self harm or you feel he is at risk ...Dr .

MrsFrankRicard · 06/05/2016 22:34

As others have said, definitely contact the school etc. Sorry this has happened to your son, I would tell him that it will all be fine (and it will!) he's not the first and won't be the last person to have a photo leaked like this, that this is a serious lesson in internet safety but you are not angry with him. Was the person who posed as a girl someone from his school? Just wondering how the image of your DS got out? Obviously it's very important that whoever did this is caught as he is only 12 bless him!

Original poster
somewhereoverthere · 06/05/2016 22:36

Wow, thank you all so much for the replies.

What an absolute nightmare.

Ex husband is out of the question, he has turned into a drinker and they only see him at a contact centre (sounds fab, doesn't it? It isn't how it seems, we were a loving family, but work stress got the better of him and is now unsafe to the kids).

My son is still in such a state, telling me to go away, which is making me a bit cross because I'm only trying to help. He has packed a bag and keeps trying to leave the front door, my other children have now woken up, which is a disaster, they're running around upstairs.

I'm trying to keep my son in the house, which is a pain, luckily he isn't tall and is no where near puberty, so very much still a little boy. However, I still do not like to use force on him, but I can't exactly let him go, it's late and dark and he is in a state.

He is telling me that no one will fix this and that he doesn't want the teachers to know and he doesn't want to talk to the police. He has told me he has deleted his Skype account. He has picked up knives, those candle lighters, etc. but I don't think he will do anything silly as just keeps putting them down, he is just literately still in absolute tears.

OP posts:
BiftasWifta · 06/05/2016 22:37

Call the police zip. Show your son that adults are going to fix this now.

I second asking him if he wants to sleep in with you tonight, he's still so little and needs his mum more than ever.

Your poor boy, hugs to him and Flowers for you x

BiftasWifta · 06/05/2016 22:37

Op*

MessedUpWheelieBin · 06/05/2016 22:37

PS, Childline might possibly be an appropriate resource at some point.

nopel · 06/05/2016 22:37

Messed sorry that happened to your son. Hope he's doing ok now.

BiftasWifta · 06/05/2016 22:39

Just saw your update, please please call the police. They will reassure him.

This is not going away on its own. He is the victim of a crime, I understand he doesn't want people knowing but as an adult and as his mother you need to do the right thing!

MessedUpWheelieBin · 06/05/2016 22:40

Do you have a friend who would come and help 'contain' your other children for tonight? Am also a lone parent and know it's a big ask, but you're in danger of being spread too thin when you may need to be focussed on him.

wannabestressfree · 06/05/2016 22:41

Call the police. Take it seriously. You have to protect him.

MammaTJ · 06/05/2016 22:41

Tell him he can move schools, tell him you will move and keep him off school until it is sorted. Anything to keep him calm and safe for now, while you sort it, with the excellent advice above!

villainousbroodmare · 06/05/2016 22:43

Over and over tell him with open arms, "I love you, you are my brilliant boy, this feels awful now but I will fix it all for you and very soon it will be forgotten."
Huge hugs for you both.