Desperate for some advice... It's regarding my son (who is 12)... Anyone?

[somewhereoverthere]

Hi,

I literally have no one to talk about this to... I'm just desperate for advice. I can't find much info online, but came across here.

My son has a laptop, his dad brought it for him (we are recently divorced) and I was never keen on the idea. However, it has a been a big help for homework and my son uses it a lot to Skype with his dad, who he only sees once a month - that's a whole other issue.

We have some controls on there - as much as I could possibly find, I spent a lot of time Googling, etc. and things have been going okay.

However, he does use Skype to talk to his new friends, from high school. They all have it, apparently, and it's good if you don't have FaceTime, which he doesn't. He has been taking his laptop to his room a lot, which I have tried my best to discourage. However, he complains that it gets to loud downstairs when he is trying to work (I have 3 other children) - 8, 6 and 4. Also, the younger one does constantly press the keys, which I then get a bad attitude from my older son (the one I have talking about). So I have just let him take it up, he gets his homework done.

Everything has been working out okay, I haven't really thought much of it.

However, he was crying in the bathroom for about 35 minutes, something which was very odd, so I ended up getting him out of there, for him to just break down in my arms. I gave him a cuddle and asked what the problem was, he got angry, stormed away and said he just couldn't tell me.

I later get a knock on the door from 2 of my son's best friends, who live in our village (they don't go to his school) and asked if they could speak to him and I tried to explain that he was a bit upset and asked if they might know if anything has happened recently. They looked at each other in a really weird way, I was then panicking and admit I raised my voice a bit at them, they said I should ask him and left with a bad attitude, because I shouted at them (not really a shout, but a raised voice). I now feel really bad about this, but cannot sit and worry.

I went up and told my son who I had just saw and for him to tell me. He starts shouting about how this man is unfair and how he is going to be in so much trouble and how sorry he is and how he is packing all his bags. I tried to get him to calm down; he then grabs some pain relief and says he might as well just take them all. I snatched them and just told him to tell me and tried to explain that I would sort it.

He then was explaining how he did something really stupid online. That this person said that he was a 13 year old girl and said that he knew (a friend of my son's name) and he had told her to add him. However, he wasn't actually that person, etc. etc.

My son then explains how he showed on his webcam and it was a big mistake and was literally sobbing with tears - I tried to calm him down and was trying to say that I'm not mad at him and we can sort it and we will report it and all that.

He then goes on to say how it isn't possible and all his friends have seen an image of him naked and they all laughed at school today and everyone knows and have been sending it all around to everyone. He says that everyone has been nasty and printed posters out of this picture, but he was saying that it was at his after school club so no teachers or other years know yet, but how they will on Monday and how they will post it all over Facebook (my son is not on Facebook) etc. etc.

My son is literally in hysterics. I have no idea how to help, I am trying to say that it will be okay, but really, I don't know if it will? It sounds awful, I just don't know what to do or say, or whatever. I'm just lost and need some advice. He is cooped away in his room, crying and screaming. He has lost the plot.

Please can someone here just give me a little advice? Please, I'm absolutely desperate.

I would call the police with him present to be honest, I think transparency is important because he has already had people talking and laughing about him behind his back, the idea of mum and police talking while he's asleep wouldn't necessarily be my first choice. However I accept I don't know op's son and he may respond quite differently.

Mumsnet is brilliant sometimes.

Best wishes, OP. Hope the police were helpful. Your son is lucky to have you, and those two concerned friends.

OP.....you have a hard night a ahead, You will not get any much sleep. Stick with your boy, he has done nothing wrong but at the moment he cannot see that.
He needs you to be the one that steps in if his impulses get the better of him.
As pp's have said.....he doesn't actually have to go back to school. Tell him this asap.
I would recommend you google childline, mind, young healthy minds..... these are just a few I can remember off the top of my head but you will get some good , unbiased advice. Best wishes to you and your son, please remember , and remember to make it very clear to him.... None of this was in any way his fault.

See, I wouldn't call the police with my sons present. Mine are slightly older, but in this situation I know the idea that yet more people were hearing the tale of his humiliation & would have to see a picture of his willy would just make it worse.

Please ring 101
You owe it. To your son.
Listen to the people posting who work in schools, they know what they are talking about

Police, school, counselling. Poor lad.

See, I wouldn't call the police with my sons present. Mine are slightly older, but in this situation I know the idea that yet more people were hearing the tale of his humiliation & would have to see a picture of his willy would just make it worse.

Would it not help to hear that they are understanding, that they've come across it before, that they can do something about it, and that they're still prepared to do all they can to help him out, knowing the worst about him (in his eyes).

Oh, bit of a highlighting fail in the quoted paragraph just there. Hopefully it's obvious that it's a response in the second paragraph.

Your poor, poor son. He must feel terrible but this isn't his fault. Please call NSPCC or Childline and get advice (and then the police, but his mental health seems like it should be the priority right now).

Kids need to be warned bout this type of shit or watch Catfish so they don't get Catfished.

The Internet can be a scary/dangerous place.

OP, I work in children's mental health so just wanted to add my two cents.

As your son has voiced thoughts about overdosing it's important that you keep a close eye on him and (discreetly, without making a 'thing' of it) place any medications (both prescription and OTC) a lockable cabinet if you have one or somewhere that is not accessible to him (the boot of your car, for example). You also need to be mindful about his access to sharps, chemicals and ligature risk items. I'm not saying any of this to be alarmist or frighten you. It may well be that his thoughts about overdosing had no real intent behind them, that it was just a fleeting thought and the moment has now passed or that it was simply a way of communicating to you how distressed he was feeling in that moment, but it still needs to be taken seriously. When you are both feeling calmer (perhaps tomorrow) it's ok to ask him "you know when you talked about taking the tablets? Was that just something you said because you were feeling so upset at the time or do you think you might actually do it?" Parents often worry that talking about self-harm or suicide will "put ideas in their head" but actually ignoring the issue is much more harmful. Let him see that he can tell you the truth and that you won't react with panic (even if you're panicking on the inside!) or judge him for it.

In the event that he becomes so distressed that you feel you are unable to him safe at home he should be taken to the nearest A&E department. Normal procedure would then be for him to be admitted to the paediatric ward for assessment by a Mental Health clinician. This is a last resort though and only needs to happen if you feel he is at immediate risk of significant harm.

I agree with previous posters that this needs to be reported to the police as soon as possible via the non-emergency number. I would also be reluctant to send my son into school again until I had spoken with the police and someone in a senior role who holds responsibility for safeguarding within the school and was clear on what action they intended to take. I would also let my son know that I was not going to send him in until there was a plan in place to protect and support him as this may help to ease his anxiety.

Also, this probably goes without saying but him away from any electronics for the time being. Firstly, seeing what his peers are writing about him on social media is the last thing he needs right now. Secondly, it's be that he doesn't have the opportunity to delete anything before the police become involved.

Oh OP how horrible for both of you

I can't add anything to what everyone else has said about just constantly reassuring him that it'll be ok. Perhaps mentioning this happens to lots of other people will help him not to feel so alone/singled out. It's a good sign that he is at least talking to you about it. You are his safe zone and on some level deep down he knows you will get him through this.

BUT I have to sound a note of caution about involving the police. I'd like to think they'll be wonderful and helpful, but something similar happened to my sister's DS (13 at the time) and the police made it clear he was "lucky" they didn't take action against him

Obviously it depends on what exactly has gone on. If an adult is involved (i.e. if it was an adult posing as the girl) then of course it's grooming. However, if it turns out this was other kids at his school - which it sounds like it might be since they've got hold of the picture so quickly? - then the situation could be more complicated in the eyes of the law.

My nephew exchanged messages and pictures with a girl in his year, she passed the messages on to her best friend, and before long his picture was all over the school. He couldn't face going in for a week and it was awful for a while afterwards but most of his friends rallied round. The girl unfortunately got very defensive about it all (perhaps understandably) but eventually people forgot about it. If it's any comfort, he's almost 16 now and doing fine.

DSis called the police and they certainly took it seriously but weren't exactly oozing sympathy. They interviewed everyone, confiscated phones etc. In the end didn't take any action but gave everyone involved (including DNephew) a stern warning about how "sexting" is illegal for anyone under 18. DSis was apoplectic that they were blaming him for what happened but they said he was technically guilty of "making and distributing illegal images" and apparently thousands of underage teenagers have received police cautions or worse for that. We were all gobsmacked by their attitude.

It might be treated differently in your case since your DS isn't quite a teenager and it sounds like he was sort of tricked into sending it. But I'd still be wary of involving police as there's a risk that they'll make him feel like he's in trouble and may tell him he's done something wrong.

I'd involve the school first rather than police. I think they're more likely to do something helpful and hopefully won't tell the poor lad off. The teachers will probably be able to find out who's responsible and hopefully come down hard on them. If it turns out there was some sort of adult influence at work then obviously call the police. Contacting a therapist or similar might also be a good idea - school counsellor maybe as first port of call?

Also second what others said above about contacting the two friends who came round and saying you're sorry for snapping at them but now that you know what's going on you want to thank them for coming round. Then invite them round again (if DS feels up to seeing them of course). Support from his peer group will be a HUGE help and if they feel appreciated for it they'll be more supportive.

Hope everything works out. Sending hugs and good luck wishes. You sound like a wonderful mum - you'll get through this and so will he

Your poor son. I hope you have called the police and things are under control.

I have to say, I don't agree with telling your son he 'did nothing wrong'.

He most definitely did do something wrong, and if that had really been a 13-year-old girl on the other end, it could have been a lot worse.

I'm not saying you should rub his nose in it now, but please don't minimise his own actions as it won't help him in the long run.

I hope the police were helpful last night.

How is he now? Hopefully got some sleep?

I hope you have taken action because really the most important thing is to react fast to stop the pictures spreading. Time is very much of the essence.

Is there any chance of him going to the same school as the 2 friends that came round last night - you said they went to a different school from him

I don't mean that you go as far as changing schools (unless it doesn't go away) but to explain to DS that you would look into him possibly changing to their school

I back up yorkshapudding's post. He will need strict supervision for the next week or so.
I hope you received some good support last night.
To those saying not to call the police call the school ...it was Friday night!
The police do want to be involved. It is an offence but at the moment the OP
doesn't know if it is kids setting him up or an adult. If it is teens they also need to be informed that this is an offence. The police can hopefully remove it before Monday although some will have seen it. They need to be informed that is talking about taking his own life and hopefully they will appointment someone appropriate but if you are unhappy with their handling of the situation report them and ask for someone else.
If it is an adult they will take it very seriously. Remember he might not be the only one that it has happened to at the school.
I hope he is coping more but please keep an eye on him because occasionally kids go calm before making an attempt so don't be complacent.

Childline or the Samaratians could be another option for him. He may talk to a faceless person more easily. They have training in this area. The Samaratians have people working in different areas and are given lots of training. I know someone who volunteers for them.

Get the Police involved asap. When my son was beaten up and pictures circulated around school the Police went to the school and made the culprit who had filmed it delete it from his phone in front of them.

You think calling the police, because a man has posted as a girl and convinced your child to take a naked picture, is extreme?

This person is a peadophile.

Definitely police. The sharing of images of that nature is a criminal offence and they will most definitely want to know. The school also need to know as a priority so they can take action (and it should be fixed term exclusion of the main culprits). Kids don't seem to understand the severity what they're doing when they pass photos of other kids around. It's so cruel. Your poor son, I hope things are a a little less bleak for him today.

I hope you ended up with some rest. It's terrifying when your children threaten suicide. Subtly watch as others have said and take control of electronics at the moment (including phones if possible) to limit what he is seeing shared.

How did the chat with the police go?

You must phone the police before the evidence is destroyed. Your sons picture is all over the net and time is important. You need to take action now....