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Original poster

Desperate for some advice... It's regarding my son (who is 12)... Anyone?

249 replies

somewhereoverthere · 06/05/2016 21:40

Hi,

I literally have no one to talk about this to... I'm just desperate for advice. I can't find much info online, but came across here.

My son has a laptop, his dad brought it for him (we are recently divorced) and I was never keen on the idea. However, it has a been a big help for homework and my son uses it a lot to Skype with his dad, who he only sees once a month - that's a whole other issue.

We have some controls on there - as much as I could possibly find, I spent a lot of time Googling, etc. and things have been going okay.

However, he does use Skype to talk to his new friends, from high school. They all have it, apparently, and it's good if you don't have FaceTime, which he doesn't. He has been taking his laptop to his room a lot, which I have tried my best to discourage. However, he complains that it gets to loud downstairs when he is trying to work (I have 3 other children) - 8, 6 and 4. Also, the younger one does constantly press the keys, which I then get a bad attitude from my older son (the one I have talking about). So I have just let him take it up, he gets his homework done.

Everything has been working out okay, I haven't really thought much of it.

However, he was crying in the bathroom for about 35 minutes, something which was very odd, so I ended up getting him out of there, for him to just break down in my arms. I gave him a cuddle and asked what the problem was, he got angry, stormed away and said he just couldn't tell me.

I later get a knock on the door from 2 of my son's best friends, who live in our village (they don't go to his school) and asked if they could speak to him and I tried to explain that he was a bit upset and asked if they might know if anything has happened recently. They looked at each other in a really weird way, I was then panicking and admit I raised my voice a bit at them, they said I should ask him and left with a bad attitude, because I shouted at them (not really a shout, but a raised voice). I now feel really bad about this, but cannot sit and worry.

I went up and told my son who I had just saw and for him to tell me. He starts shouting about how this man is unfair and how he is going to be in so much trouble and how sorry he is and how he is packing all his bags. I tried to get him to calm down; he then grabs some pain relief and says he might as well just take them all. I snatched them and just told him to tell me and tried to explain that I would sort it.

He then was explaining how he did something really stupid online. That this person said that he was a 13 year old girl and said that he knew (a friend of my son's name) and he had told her to add him. However, he wasn't actually that person, etc. etc.

My son then explains how he showed on his webcam and it was a big mistake and was literally sobbing with tears - I tried to calm him down and was trying to say that I'm not mad at him and we can sort it and we will report it and all that.

He then goes on to say how it isn't possible and all his friends have seen an image of him naked and they all laughed at school today and everyone knows and have been sending it all around to everyone. He says that everyone has been nasty and printed posters out of this picture, but he was saying that it was at his after school club so no teachers or other years know yet, but how they will on Monday and how they will post it all over Facebook (my son is not on Facebook) etc. etc.

My son is literally in hysterics. I have no idea how to help, I am trying to say that it will be okay, but really, I don't know if it will? It sounds awful, I just don't know what to do or say, or whatever. I'm just lost and need some advice. He is cooped away in his room, crying and screaming. He has lost the plot.

Please can someone here just give me a little advice? Please, I'm absolutely desperate.

OP posts:
gingergenie · 06/05/2016 23:18

Yes Boffin - kids need to know we are invincible in times of crisis. God who'd be a parent?? Sad

WhoseBadgerIsThis · 06/05/2016 23:18

I can't offer better advice that what has already been said, but just wanted to send hugs and sympathy. Definitely contact the police right away, and don't let your son feel he is the one having to make that decision, as it's too big a decision for a child to make. He's the victim of a crime, the police are called about crimes, and that's all about it. Take that choice out of his hands as one less thing for him to think about. Reassure him that telling people in authority makes these things better, even thought it feels to him now like it will make it worse. Best wishes

Ditsy4 · 06/05/2016 23:20

If I didn't live so far away I would come and help you. Please get some help. You cannot manage this on your own. You need to take control. If you are strong and decisive it will help him. So sorry you are going through this.

Cagliostro · 06/05/2016 23:22

your poor baby :( agree about police. It has to be done x

Original poster
somewhereoverthere · 06/05/2016 23:23

What, the police as an emergency? Isn't that a little extreme?

OP posts:
TheHobbitMum · 06/05/2016 23:23

No other advice other than what has been said but please, please call the police. They can reassure him that he is a victim in this and that he can't be blamed. There are laws against this and it will be taken seriously. Your poor boy, let him cry it out for a bit and love & comfort him. His world has been turned upside down by this and he probably can't see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. Your both in my thoughts x

gingergenie · 06/05/2016 23:23

That's the thing though Boffin it DOES deal with it - my 3 have all had regular education on exactly this sort of thing. As a result of this thread I have also spoken to them again about e-safety and the dangers lurking therein. No matter the curriculum, sadly pre-teens/teens view adult instruction as inherently unworthy of attention. And then we have to pick up the pieces. It's very sad that this lad is going through such an awful moment in his life. I truly hope that the OP can manage his anxiety in what must be horrible circumstances.

Original poster
somewhereoverthere · 06/05/2016 23:23

Thank you so much Ditsy

He has just sat on the sofa, head in arms... He is wearing himself out now

OP posts:
MrsFrankRicard · 06/05/2016 23:27

101 police OP Brew

Florene · 06/05/2016 23:28

No, it's not an emergency so you ring 101. It will then be graded and resources allocated.

gingergenie · 06/05/2016 23:29

Somewhere your last post didn't make sense? "What the police as an emergency? Isn't that a little extreme?"
Is this bit extreme?
Hope he's calming down now x

gingergenie · 06/05/2016 23:29
TrappedByTiredness · 06/05/2016 23:31

Keep repeating to him that it will be ok, other people have gone through this and it will be alright in the end. Keep saying things will change, it won't always be like this. And repeat.

And don't let him out of your sight until you can report it ASAP tomorrow morning. If he remains suicidal I would personally rather call the police and at least discuss it with them, rather than tell myself it's out of hours and find j wish I had.

I don't want to unnecessarily alarm you, but like others have said, some kids really do follow through in real life.

He needs to keep hearing words of hope because at the moment he hasn't got any. Poor boy. Poor you.

Storminateapot · 06/05/2016 23:31

Just get him calm. Get him to sit & look at you, focus on your eyes and copy deep, slow breathing. Keep telling him it's ok. Everything will be ok. Lie if you have to - this will blow over, but he needs to feel, right now, that anything is possible to fix this.

I absolutely would not send him to school on Monday unless you have already set wheels in motion and spoken to the school.

It's not clear whether an adult has groomed him to do this - in which case how have images got amongst his peers? - or if it's peer bullying? Either way it's a crime and if peers did this to him they are almost certainly going to be expelled. Schools take this kind of safeguarding issue extremely seriously. I'm a school governor, it's a major current issue.

Don't let him delete anything!!

Kariana · 06/05/2016 23:34

This isn't meant to sound harsh but you've been repeatedly told to call 101 and not shown any sign of doing so - I really hope you aren't going to just leave it. Please please call, you will be letting your son down massively if you don't - they can stop the situation getting as bad as he fears and as you can't move schools/towns etc. this should be a top priority. If he's calming down you have the opportunity to do it so please do. I can't even stress this enough. I wish there was more help I could give but this is the best advice in the situation.

maddening · 06/05/2016 23:36

Sorry just saw your update re ex, do you have any other family that could help?

TrappedByTiredness · 06/05/2016 23:39

Yeah I agree, if you call 101 now you can talk to someone and your poor son will have a degree of hope and a better night. It still won't be a good night but better than if you don't call. What have you got to lose by calling now?

multivac · 06/05/2016 23:43

Yes, he is the victim of a crime. All of us, though, should also note that by sending naked pictures of himself, at the age of 12, to someone he believed to be a 13-year-old girl, then he has also committed a criminal offence.

I am only pointing this out, because it is something we should all be teaching our children - it's something of which underaged teenagers, casually sexting, are often unaware.

What your boy needs now, of course, is the unconditional support and love that all the posts on this thread are urging, and that you as his loving mother are clearly giving him. Alongside support from the authorities regarding how he has been abused. And of course, OP, you need support too xxx

Himalayanrock · 06/05/2016 23:46

If he is acutely distressed, please call the OOh Dr who can start to get him some help and is also a way of informing services about what has happened.

ADishBestEatenCold · 06/05/2016 23:47

"I absolutely would not send him to school on Monday unless you have already set wheels in motion and spoken to the school"

With respect to Storm (who has a valid point about Monday) I don't think you should be planning Monday, when you haven't yet dealt with the here and now (not to mention the Saturday and Sunday that will follow on from this night somewhereoverthere).

I understand you are very shocked, but I do agree with others that this must be reported and that you do have to do something. I know it is very late (for you and your son) to phone the police now, but if you leave it till the morning, your other children will be about.

Ladybirdbookworm · 06/05/2016 23:47

Please call 101 now and report it

This is a serious matter and the situation is extreme and action needs to be taken

You both must be exhausted Flowers

MangoMoon · 06/05/2016 23:56

Yes call the police as an emergency!

I can't believe you're still dithering on it!

Phone the police now.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 06/05/2016 23:57

good advice already been given so just wanted to show support. I work in a school and we've had similar incidents. The police and school will take it very seriously. The quicker you report the more likely it can be contained. I hope your son is ok and I can understand why he is so terrified.

mrsdoughnut · 06/05/2016 23:58

Poor little love. Kids are so cruel!

OP please call the police now and get this logged and the wheels in motion. This cannot be left.

Phone the school Monday morning first thing and ask to speak or visit. They should have an SLT or pastoral department. They will take this very seriously. Let them know your son won't be back to school yet.

Let him know it's not his fault. My husband works for a school in Essex and he has had to print many a picture and message logs to hand over to police involving children. It's so scary for kids to be online these days.

I really hope your son is ok. The police and school will swoop in and get this sorted though very swiftly!!

gingergenie · 06/05/2016 23:59

I would think she's gone quiet now because she's on the phone to the police / I'm guessing she wanted to do it while her son got his head down for a bit do as not to distress him further. I think it's probably what we'd all do tbh. X

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