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Original poster

Desperate for some advice... It's regarding my son (who is 12)... Anyone?

249 replies

somewhereoverthere · 06/05/2016 21:40

Hi,

I literally have no one to talk about this to... I'm just desperate for advice. I can't find much info online, but came across here.

My son has a laptop, his dad brought it for him (we are recently divorced) and I was never keen on the idea. However, it has a been a big help for homework and my son uses it a lot to Skype with his dad, who he only sees once a month - that's a whole other issue.

We have some controls on there - as much as I could possibly find, I spent a lot of time Googling, etc. and things have been going okay.

However, he does use Skype to talk to his new friends, from high school. They all have it, apparently, and it's good if you don't have FaceTime, which he doesn't. He has been taking his laptop to his room a lot, which I have tried my best to discourage. However, he complains that it gets to loud downstairs when he is trying to work (I have 3 other children) - 8, 6 and 4. Also, the younger one does constantly press the keys, which I then get a bad attitude from my older son (the one I have talking about). So I have just let him take it up, he gets his homework done.

Everything has been working out okay, I haven't really thought much of it.

However, he was crying in the bathroom for about 35 minutes, something which was very odd, so I ended up getting him out of there, for him to just break down in my arms. I gave him a cuddle and asked what the problem was, he got angry, stormed away and said he just couldn't tell me.

I later get a knock on the door from 2 of my son's best friends, who live in our village (they don't go to his school) and asked if they could speak to him and I tried to explain that he was a bit upset and asked if they might know if anything has happened recently. They looked at each other in a really weird way, I was then panicking and admit I raised my voice a bit at them, they said I should ask him and left with a bad attitude, because I shouted at them (not really a shout, but a raised voice). I now feel really bad about this, but cannot sit and worry.

I went up and told my son who I had just saw and for him to tell me. He starts shouting about how this man is unfair and how he is going to be in so much trouble and how sorry he is and how he is packing all his bags. I tried to get him to calm down; he then grabs some pain relief and says he might as well just take them all. I snatched them and just told him to tell me and tried to explain that I would sort it.

He then was explaining how he did something really stupid online. That this person said that he was a 13 year old girl and said that he knew (a friend of my son's name) and he had told her to add him. However, he wasn't actually that person, etc. etc.

My son then explains how he showed on his webcam and it was a big mistake and was literally sobbing with tears - I tried to calm him down and was trying to say that I'm not mad at him and we can sort it and we will report it and all that.

He then goes on to say how it isn't possible and all his friends have seen an image of him naked and they all laughed at school today and everyone knows and have been sending it all around to everyone. He says that everyone has been nasty and printed posters out of this picture, but he was saying that it was at his after school club so no teachers or other years know yet, but how they will on Monday and how they will post it all over Facebook (my son is not on Facebook) etc. etc.

My son is literally in hysterics. I have no idea how to help, I am trying to say that it will be okay, but really, I don't know if it will? It sounds awful, I just don't know what to do or say, or whatever. I'm just lost and need some advice. He is cooped away in his room, crying and screaming. He has lost the plot.

Please can someone here just give me a little advice? Please, I'm absolutely desperate.

OP posts:
Florene · 06/05/2016 22:46

He is a child - you need to take responsibility for sorting this out, regardless of what he may or may not want you to do. He doesn't have the emotional maturity needed to make the right decisions to resolve it.

Call the police on 101 to log it. They will doubtless speak to you and him in the morning. In the meantime send an email to his school asking for someone to contact you urgently - they may or may not monitor emails on a weekend so you might hear from them before Monday.

Himalayanrock · 06/05/2016 22:47

OP ..you need some help.
Call a friend.
Call the Dr
Call the police.

timelytess · 06/05/2016 22:49

Have you called the police yet?
Tell him it will be fixed.
It can't be taken back but all sorts of things can happen to make him feel better. He's a child and this is not his fault (its not yours either).
Don't minimise the effect it might be having on him. Changing schools, towns, whatever would not be too much after this. He really needs you to make it right in any way you can.

Favouritethings · 06/05/2016 22:56

Call the police now. The sooner you call them the sooner the culprit can be found and his photos can be removed from sites.
Poor, poor boy xxxx

Favouritethings · 06/05/2016 22:58

And I don't blame him for not wanting to return to school.. I wouldn't return to my job had photos of me naked been leaked there.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 06/05/2016 22:59

First thing you need to do is to bring him down. I presume that he thinks he has no friends now, because one of them did this, and that everyone will laugh at him, and that even the friends who arent involved will laugh.

Of course, this wont happen at all. School will take it very seriously and if they have any sense will ensure that his peers fully appreciate the seriousness of this and treat him - rightly - as a very distressed victim. Perpetrators will hopefully be hauled up by police and will swiftly learn how funny this isn't and will end up looking like the fools in all of this.

Problem is there is no way your son will accept the logic of any of this, at this point in time. Are you in a posiiton to promise him that you can take him away from everything for a while, if needed, until it calms down, or that you can move schools or move house & start afresh? Of course the chances are remote that you'd even consider anything this extreme, and you'd never resort to action like this, but if you are in a position to convince him that you could indeed follow through on options this extreme, then it mght do the trick in bringing him down so that you can then deal with it calmly, rather than dealing with fight/flight.

Police do have to be involved, but calming your son down is the first priority. he needs to feel safe again.and to know that he can get through this.

We had something similar in our school. It happens. no-one laughed at the girl involved.

MyNewBearTotoro · 06/05/2016 22:59

I agree with calling the police. It sounds like your son is hysterical and I think he will need reassurance that something is being done, that something can be done, to calm down.

gingergenie · 06/05/2016 23:00

Op, without giving too much aware whereabouts in the country are you?

Kariana · 06/05/2016 23:01

He is a child - you need to take responsibility for sorting this out, regardless of what he may or may not want you to do. He doesn't have the emotional maturity needed to make the right decisions to resolve it.

This. Call the police immediately, then if they can't come straight away call Childline or anyone who can get an expert out to help you and talk to your son tonight. If the situation really is like you describe you need someone there to help him. He is not in the right frame of mind to be having any say on whether or not the police c are involved and certainly doesn't have the maturity to cope with this.

Once that's done contact the parents of the boys if you know them, make them aware of what's happened (their children are in danger too if nothing else) and insist they take action to retrieve and delete any pictures the boys may have got hold of.

Finally if the police don't you need to email every school address you can find and try to get in contact with themover the weekend. Failing that be outside the school gates on Monday at 7a.m. to speak with the Head or whichever teacher turns up first.

I hope everything works out.

maddening · 06/05/2016 23:02

So sorry for your son, cuddle him and let him talk about it, reassure him that it will blow over and he can stay away from school as long as he needs to, that he has done nothing wrong and has nothing to be ashamed of. def call the police and school asap. Can your ex take the younger kids so you can concentrate on him?

gingergenie · 06/05/2016 23:05

He is going to feel like the bottom has fallen out of his world. He will want to hide, he will feel ashamed and he will feel humiliated. He is pushing you away because he hates himself, so please please try not to show any irritation. Of course you are trying to help, but he's not thinking straight.
Keep him up with you, get a pizza, watch a film, keep him with you. Normalise the evening and do or say whatever you think he needs to hear right now to bring him back down and out of the fight or flight reaction. It's going to be a tough night but we're all rooting for you both (and your others too!) x

Original poster
somewhereoverthere · 06/05/2016 23:06

We are in Essex.

The thing is, I'd love to promise him that he can move schools and we can move, but we really can't. We live in the country and there is one school that is remotely close to us, I still have to drive 10 miles to get there...

The other children go to school here too, so we couldn't move and my job/the house, etc.

OP posts:
Ditsy4 · 06/05/2016 23:06

I work in a school.
I would call the police. They will be able to contact the Headteacher out of hours as they need contact numbers for key holders in case there is a break in or fire.
If he is in a real state which it sounds like he is( understandably) I would also call the hospital or GP and ask for someone from the Mental Health team to come. They are on call( my friend used to do this type of job) and should come and talk to him. You can't risk him leaving if he is feeling suicidal as occasionally kids in a heightened state of anxiety do take there own life. I'm not trying to frighten you but you need help. Otherwise is there an uncle or aunty that is close who could come and talk to him or give you support while you get help.
In the meantime explain to him that this has happened before he is not the only one.
Please try not to get cross with him difficult I know but he needs to know you are going to help him. Children in this state do not behave rationally. I have worked with children in highly distressed states and you really need to calm them first before trying to talk to them. His mind will be all over the place and he may even lash out. His whole world has turned upside down and he will be so embarrassed. I hope you can get him some help quickly.

DowntonIsMyHome · 06/05/2016 23:08

Somewhere - you don't need to promise massive changes like moving house.

Have you called the police? they'll be more than interested and shouldn't delay in their support / sorting things out

PattiLevin · 06/05/2016 23:10

Oh dear OP, I really hope this gets sorted for you and your son, sending love and all the hope in the world your way right now Flowers
Do keep us updated x

gingergenie · 06/05/2016 23:10

Absolutely what Ditsy said. He's v vulnerable. He won't believe you can save him. Not because he doesn't believe in you, but he can't see a way through this. A professional may be able to cut through some of the emotion here and Help you to reach him in a way that you can't on your own right now.

BoffinMum · 06/05/2016 23:10

Tbh this is why we need a proper esafety curriculum in schools

gingergenie · 06/05/2016 23:13

There is one already

Oly5 · 06/05/2016 23:13

Don't let him leave whatever happens.
Read Ditsy's post and follow what she said.
Police then 111 for somebody to contact an NHS mental health team.
And endless hugs for your son.
I know he doesn't want anybody to know but you MUST take action

Muddlewitch · 06/05/2016 23:13

I recently had reason to go to ceop about an issue with my DS - the Police were fantastic please do talk to them, they will take it seriously and be reassure you both.

BoffinMum · 06/05/2016 23:14

There is a lot to be said for sounding strong and standing firm and insisting on calm.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 06/05/2016 23:15

It sounds like you need help now. You can't let him out. Is there someone else who could come over to support you with the other children while you concentrate on him? Otherwise, police. Tonight.

BoffinMum · 06/05/2016 23:15

Ginger, it is a travesty of a curriculum that doesn't deal with modern reality prolly, like this.

TrappedByTiredness · 06/05/2016 23:17

OP, you first posted over an hour and a half ago, you've been given good advice to call the police, you've got a son threatening to kill himself and trying to leave the house.

Can't you call the police now? If a voice of authority tells him they can help, hat they have seen this all before and it will be ok, he may believe it more.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 06/05/2016 23:17

I just saw ditsy's post. She said it better than me.