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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have no interest whatsoever in joining in school things, like PTAs helping nights out

182 replies

LardLizard · 05/05/2016 22:51

I just don't want to know tbh

Reasons are because I feel a lot of people involved are not 100% genuine
And there's too make fake friendships and bs

So I don't want to join the oat, I don't want to help out on school fetes
No I don't want to go on night out on the town with other school mums

I have my life and an active social life and I don't want to extend that

However guess I feel a bit guilty, esp about not really helping out with school stuff, but I just don't want to know and don't want to get sucked into the policitics of it all

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 06/05/2016 07:39

I think whenever people use negative words about the volunteers - brown nosers/clique/their dc get lead in play/power hungry/I have a life - etc etc, it's simply because they're one of life's takers, and need to justify to themselves why they don't help.

And, rather than just not complaining, a bit of appreciation for those who do so much, wouldn't go amiss.

smellyboot · 06/05/2016 07:40

The other thing I recently noticed is that out of all my large circle of really good friends of all ages, local and not,, they all volunteers some where in their areas: community groups of all types, sports clubs, PTA, school govenors. If they don't do it now, they have done for years in the past. Maybe I just like caring committed community minds people.

1AngelicFruitCake · 06/05/2016 07:42

I'm a teacher and give up my free time on evenings to attend PTA meetings, spend hours out of school organising events etc because I want the children to benefit from extras.

It's always the parents who do a absolutely nothing that then complain at each event.

flightywoman · 06/05/2016 07:51

I don't give a flying fuck what you do or don't do tbh, but I don't really think you're qualified to judge whether the friendships I've made are fake or not.

Maybe the people aren't so friendly to you because you bitch and moan without ever putting any effort into a bit of help.

Our PTA organises most of the events with a tiny handful of volunteers, majority of us are either working or have more than one child, or both. And it's not all about the money we raise, it's also for community building and having a bit of fun. It's up to you whether you want to get involved, but you can get stuffed with your negative comments and judging the quality of my friendships.

Bohemond · 06/05/2016 07:56

There is odd and then there is unpleasant and sneering

LunaLoveg00d · 06/05/2016 07:56

Completely voluntary.

But what you cannot do if you choose not to partake is bitch and whine about the people who do, and complain about the choices made by schools and PTAs on how to spend the money raised. As others pointed out PTA people work really hard to raise funds for ALL of the children in a school and to offer experiences and resources which would not be covered by basic budgets.

In many years being involved on these sorts of committees I haven't come across anyone "fake" or doing it for the wrong reasons. What I have come across are plenty of people who bitch and complain from the sidelines but never put themselves forward.

gingergenie · 06/05/2016 07:56

Little red hen syndrome! I don't want to do much with the pta either but I DO offer at some help once or twice a year. Apart from anything, it sets a good example to the DC about working for the good of others and not just for our benefit.

oldestmumaintheworld · 06/05/2016 07:57

I don't think you are odd, I think you are mean. Mean with your time, mean with your assumptions about others and mean to show such a poor example to your children.

You are right that you don't have to get involved with social events at your children's school if you don't want to. However, I do believe that you as a parent should show your support for what the school and the other parents who can be bothered do for the school and your children.

When I worked full time I gave money to my children's school because I couldn't give much of my time. When I worked part-time I gave my time because I didn't have much money. I believe that all parents should do one or the other. Those who don't are either mean, miserable or very up themselves. Which one are you?

And the reason you feel guilty? It's because you know you are wrong.

MardleBum · 06/05/2016 08:04

You seem to be taking great delight in sounding sneery and belligerent OP.

Do you allow your child to attend events like Halloween parties and Christmas discos where you get to pay a few quid to drop and leave them for a couple of hours? I find the parents who do that are not so anti PTA when it suits them.

AugustaFinkNottle · 06/05/2016 08:08

I don't think it is necessary to raise extra money

How do you know? If they've raised money for playground or PE equipment, for instance, do you tell your child not to use it? If they've raised money for a school minibus, do you make sure you transport your child on occasions when he would otherwise travel in it?

Gazelda · 06/05/2016 08:11

You don't want to get involved or contribute to the PTA, that's fine. Your choice. I respect that.
But others are happy to spare time, money and energy to give a few extras for the children. You should Have some respect for what they do.

Our PTA runs second hand uniform sales, organises refreshments at Sports Day, raises money for IT equipment, sport facilities, books, pots or paint, and all manner of other 'extras' that the school doesn't receive statutory funding for.

They organise textile recycling, have spent time entering competitions to win Panto performances at the school, have introduced fun events that follow the education curriculum and made the school a lovely place for the children.

Of course, the school would still operate without all of this. But a few extras, particularly those that can last for years, are very much appreciated.

I'm on our PTA. I'm a nice person. I'm not cliquey, I don't speak to the staff on first name terms. My DD is never picked for high profile parts. She gets no benefit from me being on PTA other than the benefit thst all the children get.

I joined because I had no local friends. I work during the day so dont get to meet other parents at school. I've now made a number of brilliant, funny friends. I'm grateful to the PTA, I get far more out of it than I give.

LittleMissUpset · 06/05/2016 08:11

I was on the PTA for over a year, including a committee role which I was talked conned into because I wanted to do my bit and help the school.

If people didn't want to give their time to help, that was fine, but people came to events and then moaned, or didn't come and moaned!

It was really hard work, and the reason I left was because the head told us how much we should raise, what events she wanted, and never said thank you to us, didn't even bother showing up to the summer fayre! A discussion is ok, being dictated to is not especially as a volunteer!

So can I be excused Grin

NicknameUsed · 06/05/2016 08:16

Your posts are making me see red. You are goady, unreasonable, mean spirited, arrogant and selfish. You don't have to help, but you could at least help support your child's school, even if it is just by giving a donation if you don't want to interact with the lesser mortals who are associated with the school.

"I don't think it is necessary to raise extra money"

"I don't think what they do is necessary"

Like Stillunexpected I had no idea how underfunded our schools are until I became a governor on the finance committee. Funds raised by PTAs are no longer just being used to supply the nice to have things, but essential equipment - laptops, library books etc. I suspect that they might be used to subsidise school trips for children from families who can't afford to pay for them, plus a myriad of other things.

But of course you wouldn't know this because you just don't care.

The assumptions you have made are breathtakingly rude and sneery

Reasons are because I feel a lot of people involved are not 100% genuine
And there's too make fake friendships and bs That's utter nonsense. I never came across that when I was on the PTA. I am not cliquey and usually get left out of cliques, but I want to help for the greater good

So I don't want to join the oat, I don't want to help out on school fetes So don't then. No-one is making you

No I don't want to go on night out on the town with other school mums As above

I have my life and an active social life and I don't want to extend that In other words because you are far too superior to associate with other parents.

However guess I feel a bit guilty, esp about not really helping out with school stuff So just make the odd donation now and again

but I just don't want to know and don't want to get sucked into the policitics of it all Not all PTA committees are like that. But again, no-one is forcing you to.

LunaLoveg00d · 06/05/2016 08:16

Also for those people who would like to help but can't spare the time for meeting, we're always looking for people for wee jobs that can be done from home - putting together newsletters, emailing companies for raffle prizes, looking into lottery grants or other funds, managing the facebook/twitter feed, scouring the web for new fundraising ideas etc.

We are organising our major summer fair at the moment and are asking parents to spare ONE HOUR. not a big ask. The more people who help for a small time, the less everyone has to do.

We are in Scotland so fundraising is different - we don't pay for trips at all and don't cover any of the basics such as desks or books. We fund things like new playground equipment, or for external specialists to come in and speak to the kids, or buy new digital cameras of each class, or fund things like additional reading books to run in parallel with the main reading scheme. We have a very good working relationship with the school and discuss with them what we'd like to fund, and what they'd like to have.

DeadAsADildo · 06/05/2016 08:22

I turn up and spend money at the events-we are a large family and we give the dcs money to spend. Although I don't join in with organising I feel it's still a valid contribution, and I do appreciate the people who do the work. I think some people enjoy PTA type things more than others, though.

starry0ne · 06/05/2016 08:28

I am not member of PTA...I do help at some school fairs and disco's... I am a LP can't attend meetings without paying for childcare so don't....However I don't do it to make friends I do it to support the school..

Ours has payed for playground equipment, photocopying for teachers, pantomime ( part funded) and I pads... I find it strange your school don't need the money..

I don't have my DBS for cubs simply as I refuse to help at everything when others can't be bothered.

You say you don't attend ... does your child?

CaptainCrunch · 06/05/2016 08:31

The op is on the wind up. Probably sat there last night thinking "what's guaranteed to nip a few skulls, oh I know, I'll denigrate pta volunteers and be completely shameless about it, I'll occasionally chip in with smug, unapologetic-for-my-stance remarks to ensure it gets everyone frothing"

Pfft.

LadyReuleaux · 06/05/2016 08:35

Underfunding in schools leads to expectations that an army of mostly women will do unpaid work to raise funds. It's interesting that dads don't feel under much pressure to join in IME (although I know some do take part).

I also agree that this type of thing is often a hotbed of cliquiness. I don't join in because I have massively different views from most of them (feminist, don't like uniform, don't agree with homework in orimary, you name it) and I would not fit in at all, plus I hate meetings, plus I work and have v. little spare time.

I do get the idea that you should support the school if you can and I do this by donating something valuable to the school that I have easy access to through work (all legit and belongs to my business) and I have also donated some specific skills that I have when needed, but not on an ongoing basis.

BUT no one should have to. Schooling is supposed to be provided by the state. I think not being able to afford the time or money is a fine reason not to join in, but I also think if you find that kind of thing intimidating or a PITA, that's also a valid reason.

NicknameUsed · 06/05/2016 08:42

"feminist, don't like uniform, don't agree with homework in orimary, you name it"

What has that got to do with helping raise money for PTA funds? Those points are totally irrelevant IMO. PTAs have nothing to do with the running of a school.

Only1scoop · 06/05/2016 08:47

Agree.... think Op had a few sherbets prior to rustling up the thread....

Would count for the lack of punctuation, typo's etc and general tone.

RedToothBrush · 06/05/2016 08:50

DH's scout troop has a great policy. Membership of the kids is on the condition that the parents also contribute to the running of the troop by getting involved during the course of the year. Not all the time, but when its their turn. Magically parents stop whinging when they realise just how much effort goes into running a volunteer group their children love when it comes around to their turn...

LadyReuleaux · 06/05/2016 09:00

What has that got to do with helping raise money for PTA funds? Those points are totally irrelevant IMO. PTAs have nothing to do with the running of a school.

It has to do with the type of people I'd be doing it with who would think I was a total oddball. I'd forget to keep my mouth shut and express my opinions in conversation (I know from experience) and everyone would not know where to look. I am not a joiner, I'm not a group person, and I can't be doing with the sexism and 50s attitudes. I realise it may not be like that in all schools but in ours it is.

Therefore as I said, I do support the school financially in a way that involves me having to go to meetings or agree on plans or basically talk to anyone except the HT once a year.

BUT I would also totally support anyone who contributes precisely nothing. It's optional. We pay for school through our taxes and particularly if you are working, you contribute in that way too.

LadyReuleaux · 06/05/2016 09:01

Sorry that is "not having to go to meetings"

Deux · 06/05/2016 09:11

Surely there's a middle ground OP. Your children are benefitting despite your attitude.

I'm not on the committee but I do contribute to all events by both giving my time and contributing to the bottle stall/tombola/manning a stall etc.

Our PTA is very good and seems to be very professionally managed.

SpinnakerInTheEther · 06/05/2016 09:16

I get it. Sometimes I have wished the PTA would do a bit less. I hated all the fayres, fetes and cakes days. Not so bothered about all the trips - many weren't particularly educational IMO. I saw a lot of unnecessary spending (fancy expensive computerised reading schemes instead of allowing real books, bought, in ready planned, curriculums) I think schools should stop expecting to utilise parents, mainly mothers, as a free resource, so the school's can do less.