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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have no interest whatsoever in joining in school things, like PTAs helping nights out

182 replies

LardLizard · 05/05/2016 22:51

I just don't want to know tbh

Reasons are because I feel a lot of people involved are not 100% genuine
And there's too make fake friendships and bs

So I don't want to join the oat, I don't want to help out on school fetes
No I don't want to go on night out on the town with other school mums

I have my life and an active social life and I don't want to extend that

However guess I feel a bit guilty, esp about not really helping out with school stuff, but I just don't want to know and don't want to get sucked into the policitics of it all

OP posts:
Stillunexpected · 05/05/2016 23:53

I don't think what they do is necessary - do you actually know what they do with the money which is raised? I admit that before becoming a school governor, I never knew how many gaps in school funding were plugged by PTA monies - things that seemed as basic as buying extra sets of the reading scheme because the school budget simply wouldn't stretch to the required number. I would have thought that was pretty necessary? Similarly, when the new school opened, we had to use PTA money for playground shelter, otherwise all the kids would have boiled in a completely shadeless concrete yard on hot days, PTA money bought the climbing frame for the reception playground, lots of sports equipment used in PE lessons because otherwise there wouldn't be enough to go round, digital cameras which the kids and teachers use for all kinds of projects and displays - loads of stuff. Don't imagine just because your school seems to be well-resourced that it's all flowing out of some LA central pot of gold.

Originalfoogirl · 05/05/2016 23:54

Most PTAs subsidise school trips so they are more affordable for those on low incomes, sorry if you don't think that's necessary. Maybe if you actually understood why they did it, actually educate yourself what they are about, you'd realise it is necessary. Can't imagine the PTA would bother giving up their time and raising money, if it was unnecessary.

I'm one of those who "would if I could" (sorry fatowl). But the meetings happen when I'm still at work. I have to take so much time off work for our daughter's hospital appointments and school meeting, it's difficult for me to leave early to be at the PTA meetings. I've offered my help at events but they've never taken me up on it. I donate the "free school meal" money at the end of each year because they need it more than I do.

Nobody is obliged to help, but simply saying "can't be bothered" is quite mean spirited.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/05/2016 23:55

Ynbu. I was a working single mum. Not a SAHM with a bank msnager for a husband. I didn't have time to be brown nosing.

Stillunexpected · 05/05/2016 23:57

Since when did volunteering= brown nosing?

AerithEarthling · 05/05/2016 23:58

Yabu i am the same, i am even like it at work. Just not interested in shitting on my doorstep because if anything goes wrong it makes it very akward to the point of leaving.

dolkapots · 06/05/2016 00:01

I think the quality of the PTA very much depends on the school. In my dc primary the "main" PTA mum was the "main" PTA person in 3 schools Hmm Power hungry, control freak who treated it like a full time job and expected others to do the same. It wasn't friendly at all, lots of judginess and the organized fundraisers were all piss ups.

hettie · 06/05/2016 00:02

I don't get involved at all (bar manning a stall once or twice). But I also have no expectation from the PTA. They can do what they like, fund what that like, raise money or not... They've funded climbing walls, lights for the school plays, books, a pond etc... It's lovely and I'm sure all the kids benefit.
I have other areas of my life in which I contribute to the social good of this country and I struggle to be a good enough friend to my existing friends... If time was no object I'm sure it would be a good way for me to meet people but it's just not a priority....

MidniteScribbler · 06/05/2016 00:04

I don't think it is necessary to raise extra money

Then you're an idiot.

JassyRadlett · 06/05/2016 00:05

Wouldn't say I was insecure though.
More the opposite of that if anything
Secure enough to just say no
Not interested

Secure enough to then start a thread seeking validation?

DelphiniumBlue · 06/05/2016 00:12

What has being a single working Mum got to do with it? All the people on our PTA were working, some of them were single, some not. I don't recall any bank manager husbands, either!
We had meetings in the evening and took the kids with us - they really enjoyed it, and loved helping out at the events.
The money raised is sadly necessary, state schools are so under-funded; as other people have said, there's simply not enough in the pot to pay for "extras" like playground equipment and new books.
Am quite shocked at some of the snidey comments and assumptions made about the people who do help out.

Narnia72 · 06/05/2016 00:17

Everyone's experiences are different. I help because I wanted to be involved in some way with my kids' school and I've had the time. I've been totally put off by people complaining that we're a clique (no, it's just the same 5 people helping because no-one else will), the events are shit (again, no helpers and actually most people seem to enjoy them), and a playground clique who've made up complaints about the PFA as a group because of personal issues with a couple of the committee. One vile vile woman actually wrote a 4 page letter of complaint to the head and copied it in to pretty much everyone, in which she said we were all big bullies because her bff's rival company was allowed to sponsor an event. Then she fell out with bff and claimed the woman had bullied HER into writing the letter. It's typical of the random shit we have to put up with. Not of our doing.

In the meantime we raised enough money to update the antiquated computer system and ensure there are enough laptops for everyone to work on one each in ICT lessons...

So, the people who sneer and belittle actually do so much more harm than good, as they make the poor sods who were prepared to help not want to anymore. Then the kids lose out.

Fine not to get involved, fairly rubbish IMO if you can't even be arsed to support the events, or donate in some way. No state school can manage extras without additional fundraising. But stop with posts like this. I don't give a fuck if you don't want to get involved, but you're one of the parents who look down on those of us who do help, and end up putting us off.

I don't get any perks for helping, my kids have never been the lead in the school play, I'm not madly in with any of the staff. I do think it's important that there's a supportive community at our school and, having seen the budget cuts, that we raise what we can to help.

Here's a thought, instead of sneering, how about finding out what your PFA have fundraised for recently and see if their work has made a positive difference to your child. Then, shock horror, how about actually thanking one of the committee for doing the work they've done.

queenMab99 · 06/05/2016 00:26

I object to people saying', I don't volunteer because I have a life' implying that those who are willing to heip, are sad gits with no other interests. If you don't want to help, that is your choice, but there is no need to insult and denigrate those who do give up their time to improve things for other people.

ilovesooty · 06/05/2016 00:31

Schools are just one manifestation of the fact that some people are happy to contribute to wider society and others simply don't consider it necessary.

Many local charities and organisations are supported and kept going by people who give hours of their time. Others simply seem to be indifferent to their communities.

Ihangmyknickersontheline · 06/05/2016 00:44

I've not long got back from a PTA meeting and to be honest the turn out was poor..prob about 8 of us altogether..some new recruits because we held our meeting at a pub (with the hope of more recruits)..I can't believe you say PTA is unnecessary..Its unbelievable! Bloody hell...how naive can you be? Or are you just uncharitable generally. Hopefully for your kids sake you have a great committee that can do without you! And those piss take 'lyrics'.......

Stillunexpected · 06/05/2016 00:50

And apart from the money raised, "necessary" or not, it is the PTA at our school who organise things like the second-hand uniform sale a couple of times a year. Everyone seems to benefit from that, if they didn't do it, who would - the teachers? The office staff? Yet you can bet there would be lots of complaints about expense of uniform etc if there weren't these sales.

AnnaMarlowe · 06/05/2016 00:51

Your OP strikes me as unpleasant with all the "fake friendships nonsense".

In my experience the PTA committee are a bunch of parents working very hard to raise funds for the school (ours last year paid for laptops, iPads, a theatre group performance, outdoor play equipment and additional library resources.) and to run fun events (eg school discos( for the children.

They work very hard to make their events successful, fun and profitable and do so in the face of fair amounts of abuse from those that don't contribute

I couldn't care less that they are mostly SAHMs with the time to do it, they do a fantastic job.

I work long hours so can't commit to the PTA but volunteer to help at the summer fete and at all the school discos. I also make sure I buy what ever tickets are being sold and send in bottles for the tombola etc.

Go/don't go to their events - no one will care. But don't bitch about them - you have no idea about their motivations. It just makes you sound like a mean girl sneering at the prefects.

Clandestino · 06/05/2016 00:55

You're NBU for not wanting to join in. Your spare time is your choice.
You're BU to base it on your assumptions about people who do.
I don't do PTA. No time. I don't care if others do.

springydaffs · 06/05/2016 00:55

A's long as you and yours are OK op, who gives a fuck about anybody else?

You don't have to be friends with anybody, as you're chock full of friends already, but schools do need help.

WalkingBlind · 06/05/2016 01:02

There's no way on hell or earth that I would ever volunteer for anything at DD's school. Unfortunate for her maybe, or maybe not (do kids really want their mums there? I'd have died off) but I am terrible with people and very anti-social as well as having a couple of disabilities that could be an easy target for bullying DD.

However I do appreciate the parents that bother! I think it's very rude to assume they are a certain type of people, they're doing stuff for the kids at the end of the day.

I'd also be happy to donate funds, just not my time.

Slutbucket · 06/05/2016 01:16

I help at the PTA we are raising funds for a big project for the children. I go because I want to. Not because I'm a do gooder, false or in a clique. Just because I like it.

ohtheholidays · 06/05/2016 01:32

I don't help out with the PTA,fetes ect,I did at different schools when my children were younger,but I do appreciate all that the PTA and the other parents do to help the school.I know alot of work and effort goes into everything that is arranged for the children and they're family's.

We do attend any fund raisers that the school holds,discos,fetes ect and we always sponsor(sometimes sponsor money is raised for the actual school other times for different charitys) our DC and other children at the school.

Now and again we will gift something to the school that they've wanted for the children,so far we've gifted a wendy house,a see saw,swings and a slide for the Nursery and some soft furnishings,decorations ect for a Snug they were making for the older children.The money that's saved that way means the school can then spend it on something else that they want to do for the children then they don't have to wait so long.

YANBU for not wanting to get involved but I do think if the school and the PTA are doing a good job for the children and they're familys then that should be appreciated!

lalalalyra · 06/05/2016 02:13

If you don't want to volunteer then don't, it doesn't make you special, it makes you part of the majority of parents.

However, when there is no discos because of the five people that usually do are not able (heavily pregnant, operation, caring for a family member and two with work commitments) then don't moan. Same as when kids are sharing books one between two or three because no money was raised to buy extras. Also goes for when the football team can't play matches as no strips, when the gym mats aren't replaced after the mice get to them, when the gardens look tatty and, if you are extending the snide comments to those who volunteer in the school, when your kid doesn't get heard reading for several weeks then just remember that it's all fine because they are just brown nosers who aren't needed anyway.

herecomethepotatoes · 06/05/2016 02:35

Don't worry and don't feel guilty (or pretend you do). Some people in life are 'givers' and some are 'takers'.

It's clear where you fit in OP. You are a taker and expect others to do things for you without reciprocation. There are many people like you but you're all equally unpleasant.

It's always people like you who are first to complain when something doesn't happen due to lack of funding / volunteers.

I hope you aren't raising your children to be so selfish and mean-spirited.

TheNewStatesman · 06/05/2016 02:56

I don't think people should feel obliged to get involved with PTA if they don't want to.

I DO think that as long as people aren't really poor, they should try to donate some money instead, if they don't want to help with fund raising.

As long as the OP tries to give some cash or something, I think it's fine not to do "school stuff."

smellyboot · 06/05/2016 07:36

It is incredibly naive as other have said, to assume that state schools have enough cash to fund the basics never mind the extras. Our PTA cash has funded sports equipment, most of the new IT provision, re stocked the library with up to date books, climbing frame, equipment for the nursery and reception outdoor classrooms,, buddy benches, yr 6 leaver trip ... The list goes on.
The PTA is a core team and a an army of working parents who juggle their time to give an hour here and there to help run events. If they didn't do it, it simply would not happen and the school would be massively worse off. Funds are used to ensure that every child has an enhanced experience: this is part of the criteria for spending the money.
The kid love the events and it's nice to have community things on.
Our volunteers include mainly working parents who may or not be single or with partners who work away etc.
Our volunteers don't generally sign up to make mates, they just want to raise money to make their DC school a better place. They turn up to an event, give an hour of their time, have a laugh and then that's it. A lot volunteer elsewhere too - the same people will be spotted helping out at sports clubs etc

As people have said, there are givers and takers in life. I set my DC an example that I learnt from my mum, which was to give and contribute for the greater good.
They see that this means things happen for them.

Feel free to sneer, but it's very sad that people are like that.