To ban my 14 yo DD from dieting?

[NamelessAndShameless]

DD just turned 14 and has started saying she's fat, needs to diet etc, DH and I told her she does not need to diet, but she stormed off. We always eat healthily in our family (breakfast fruit, lunch healthy sarnies), we have one young baby and another on the way, so we're definitely trying to make sure that family stays happy and healthy! The main problem with dd dieting is that she honestly doesn't need to - not saying this in a motherly "my daughter's perfect" way, it's just that she is literally the perfect weight for her age. I dug a little further, and it turns out she's being bullied at school by "friends" saying she's "flabby" (that's a thing?). Anyway, I've told her that in no uncertain terms she is to not eat, or fast or whatever the latest weight loss shit exists, and she said that I'm an awful mother, and hasn't spoken to me for 3 days now. Have I done something wrong? Do dh and I need to look into getting her some help, or is that even worse?

The NHS bmi calculator (I used put that's she is a child and put an approximate day of birth in) says that she is a healthy weight. Granted it's at the bottom end. But still within healthy weight. And if she has grown 2 inch in 2 months, it may take a bit for her to catch up.

I can't see why your dh thinks 10kh is no better. It's the difference between just being healthy and veins seriously under weight.

I think you need to act on this now. If she puts a little weight in when her growth spurt is over, it could tip her into an eating disorder.

My attempt at calculating her weight put her on the 4th centile which means out of a hundred children her height 96 will be heavier than her.

Please please please don't ban dieting, you're going to turn your daughter into a secret binge eater/ dieter. I have been your girl (in my case though I did need to lose a bit of weight).. my dad "banned" me from dieting and refused to change the meal plans for the family, but didnt allow me to make my own food either. As a result I did all my dieting in secret, which then meant food became shameful and secret too. I still have an appalling relationship with food for a variety of reasons but my dad not allowing me to make my own choices about my food as a kid really didnt help and I still can't eat in front of him now.

Work on self esteem, build her up for her intelligence, wit and personality and take the focus completely off what she looks like. Suggest she takes up a sport instead of restricting food. This will help her self esteem and get her toning up rather than dropping weight.

"Cory As her mum, I have always taught her that failure is ok, she knows that definitely, when she falls off her horse, she laughs and gets back up, when she burns the food, she'll get a lecture from me about being more careful, and then we'll laugh - failure is ok in our home"

That is a very good start and speaks well of your general attitude, but those are very minor things that won't affect how people think of her. Does she understand that the same thing applies to other things in life which are not so easily rectified.

What I am really getting at is, is there a risk her insecurities rise from a feeling that she must succeed at her education because otherwise she will have let everyone down?

That seems to be the defining factor for the girls I have known who have gone on to develop eating disorders. Is there a way you can help her to see that it is possible to have setbacks even in big important things like your education or your career without having failed as a human being?

Did the doctor say anything about the fact your DD has grown two inches in two mo the. My teens all had rapid growth spurts but nothing even vaguely approaching that.

It doesn't sound normal

Daily It's not the first time she's had these kind of growth spurts - GP says it's not normal, nor is it a cause for concern

It sounds like she's a high achiever and she's at a preppy private school. She could be at high risk for developing an eating disorder.

I wouldn't talk to her about it just yet, perhaps phone some eating disorder charities for advice? I wouldn't ban anything outright because the last thing you want is her continuing to do it but in secret.

I agree with Italiangreyhounds suggestion of checking Internet history. There's some awful pro-anorexia websites out there (often using the term "thinspiration" ). Oh and keep an eye on when she's using the loo. Always going straight after eating can be a sign of bulimia.

I will thank you bear

What bear said, but I would also try to do what I could to undo any potential damage done by her preppy school. Let her know that if she is being bullied, it can be tackled. In the first instance, it should be tackled by the school and that it is their job to do so. But that if you get nowhere with that, it is still ok to change schools; just like it would be ok to leave a job where she was being badly treated or a husband who was emotionally abusing her. Knowing when something is unacceptable is a great life skill.

Make it quite clear to her that you know that her whole life, her worth as a person, does not depend on attending any particular school or achieving any particular results or ending up in a particular kind of career: nothing is worth making yourself ill over (which is basically what body dysmorphia is).

Maybe I am stressing this particularly strongly because I have had to deal with a suicidal teen and know that, in the end, all that matters is that they are ok: life is long if you survive to live it, and most things can be picked up afterwards as long as you are still around to do so. Young people are so strongly fed the message that what they do now is setting their life in stone and it can make their lives very anxious.

Poor DD. The bullying and comments by MIL need addressing first and fore most. But i'd be concerned about banning any dieting outright. I had a similar experience to your DD at school and my Dad just made the one comment about me looking chubby but my Mum (who was less than 7 stone naturally) banned me from dieting. I think she always wanted to be a bit more shapely herself and wouldn't accept me wanting to lose a bit of weight (it was only a bit of puppy fat looking back at pics, but the mean girls comments at school really got to me). I ended up dieting secretly, then got obsessed with dieting and ended up anorexic till I was around 23. I really think if my Mum had helped me take control sensibly - a bit more exercise, cutting out sweets daily etc, I'd have just lost the few pounds I needed, got a bit more in shape and that would have been the end. Banning teens from anything can seriously backfire.

How did the chat go when she got back, OP?