To ban my 14 yo DD from dieting?

[NamelessAndShameless]

DD just turned 14 and has started saying she's fat, needs to diet etc, DH and I told her she does not need to diet, but she stormed off. We always eat healthily in our family (breakfast fruit, lunch healthy sarnies), we have one young baby and another on the way, so we're definitely trying to make sure that family stays happy and healthy! The main problem with dd dieting is that she honestly doesn't need to - not saying this in a motherly "my daughter's perfect" way, it's just that she is literally the perfect weight for her age. I dug a little further, and it turns out she's being bullied at school by "friends" saying she's "flabby" (that's a thing?). Anyway, I've told her that in no uncertain terms she is to not eat, or fast or whatever the latest weight loss shit exists, and she said that I'm an awful mother, and hasn't spoken to me for 3 days now. Have I done something wrong? Do dh and I need to look into getting her some help, or is that even worse?

If you can face it don't give up on challenging the school. If there is that kind of atmosphere there and it's pushy and academic the pupils will be at risk of eating disorders, which even schools that are crappy at pastoral care should take seriously - and ED rumours will put off prospective parents.

Perhaps if she's dealing with a lot of body judging and sexist bullshit at school DD could also benefit from some entry-level feminism 101! Eg why girls are under social pressure to use up thought and energy that could be spent doing stuff trying to be thinner.

Oh and if DD learns to cook that could help you out on the busyness front too! We learned at that kind of age and each planned and made one weeknight meal a week.

DuckDeamon Thank you! Yes dd, in fact the whole family, could do with a little feminism talk, and learn to feel empowered! 💐

Glad you like the idea, maybe just slip it into her room so she can find it and read it in her own time.

Sadly, lots of people do get eating disorders without their parents' realising, or without their parents being able to do much about it. The people I know who've had them, their parents have been doctors, teachers, in the armed forces - all sorts of professional jobs, and good, present parents - but they're hard to deal with. Are you going to speak to your husband about talking to his mum?

IMO this is not a food/weight issue, but a self-esteem and environmental (school/critical gran) problem.

As with toddlers who are fussy eaters, do not get in to a fight over food. If it fronts are built up, she is more likely to push against everything you are saying and suggestion.
IMO nobody should be 'on a diet', we should all eat real food, eat when hungry and stop when satisfied.

I was super-selfconscious at 13, feeling really fat and unattractive and mortified that I had to expose my horrific body to the world (in a very modest navy one piece swimsuit) to the world during a holiday. I distinctly remember just how horrible and uniquely disgusting I felt about my obscene weight and lumpiness etc etc - I recently found photos on that particular holiday and I am not only not-fat, I am very slim. I had a totally distorted sense of my own size and I think, with hindsight, I had simply not made my peace with 'womanly curves' that had appeared

I am not saying your DD is the same, but I'd just concentrate on doing things that boost her self-esteem, listen to her concerns (rather than talk at her when she is not in a frame of mind to want to really listen) and please do speak to the school Her peers are likely more influential on how she feels about herself than anybody else, and it is the school's duty to stop nasty bullying - I don't care how good they are academically or otherwise

39 kgs is very light, how tall is she? The pressure to be 'preppy' can be immense

I also do not think that she will ever fall prey to eating disorders, as dh and I would have got some very professional help by then if she ever got to that point god forbid

Head in sand here I'm afraid. I have a teenage daughter who has struggled with eating disorders despite being "low risk" by all the normal criteria, and having had very prompt psychologist and psychiatric referrals.

penfold She's quite tall, definitely think she's my perfect model baby (well she's not a baby anymore but anyway) She's 5"9

Asking I shall definitely be having words with dh about his stupid mother, as he supports me in thinking she's a smothering fat obsessed freak, would it be unreasonable of us to ban her from seeing the kids until she changes her attitude? 🤔

Misty I do apologise, I realise eating disorders can go undetected, and I'm sorry to hear about your daughter 🌷, but I shall definitely keep and eye out for any changes in dd xx

Surely by that measure she's actually underweight?

Has she read How to Be a Woman? That's very funny, quite rude and contains lots of feminist stuff without being overtly political.

You need specialist help.
And I agree, ED is a possibility.
I am a bit shocked by her height/weight unless that's a mistake?

That's under 7 stone and she's 5'9! That is surely very underweight! I'm 5'2 and I believe the lowest weight before you're officialy underweight for my height is about 7 stone.

No she's not read that, but great idea!! Dd is by no means underweight however, and is the perfect size for her age she is toned from exercise but is definitely definitely not underweight

Unless she has a very light build, it's quite possible that she is already restricting her eating (or making herself vomit or exercise excessively) without you knowing - what is an appropriate BMI does depend on her stage of physical development (very variable at 14), but last year my 14 year old DD, at 5'3 and 42kg, was considered borderline anorexic by her medical professionals. 5'9 and 39kg is extremely slender, to say the least.

In my experience once teenagers start talking opening about their diet, they are probably already consciously restricting their intake. My DD dieted for months without anyone noticing.

Anyway, I know you mean well and you probably don't say these things to her, but it's coming through to me that you use the word "perfect" a lot - and that's probably a mentality that's coming through to your daughter from every angle, the pressure to be perfect.

IMO this is not a food/weight issue, but a self-esteem and environmental (school/critical gran) problem.

I agree. But the OP seems reluctant to raise it with the school, sounds like the school won't do anything even if/when she does. and moving isn't likely either.

I am not judging the OP for this. She knows the school better than me.

I definitely think the first port of call needs to be to stop the bullying.

After that it's trying to get her in side to look at food from a health point of view. Not slim vs fat point of view.

My grandmother is (ImO) anorexic and was forever making comments about my and others' appetite and weight. We had limited contact for other reasons and parents challenged her on it but she was unstoppable!

My mother diluted this by explaining that GM clearly had big food and other issues and was to be expected to say a load of crap, we'd place bets on what she'd say, and store up examples to take the piss out of her over later.

My father dealt with it by eating very little when at her house or she visited, then taking us all to the takeaway afterwards!

God, could write a zillion worssbabout the various eating/food issues in my family!

It's the bullying you need to address. Either these are friends who need to remember they are friends and butt out of her eating or they are BULLIES who need putting in their place. Work with your dd to see which it is and how she wants to work towards this.

Please tell her as ex dieter I have had nothing but misery from diets, which simply do not work. Healthy food and exercise if the way to do.

Break the stale mate, take her out for something fun and not food related, crazy golf, a shopping trip etc and try and break the silence.

I think you should explain to her that dieting is a known cause of obesity. The body starts to overcompensate.

My dd was not fat but a chunky 14 year old, it was part of the effects of puberty.

Now she is very slim and she has never ever dieted.

Misti She does have a light build from ballet as a youngster and exercising now, but not in a way that makes her muscly, she's definitely not underweight, as dh and I have had this conversation before, and we have taken her to the GP who has said that her weight is normal

Many people who end up really quite ill with EDs have perfectly normal weights - again, this is not about her weight (although I'd be worried about that height/weight ratio tbh). It's about her relationship to food and to her body.
Also, I agree about the use of 'perfect' - aiming for perfection sets us up to fail. You can always find something to dislike about any body. Also re 'toned' - 14 year olds should not worry about toning - they have youth on their sides, they should be active and enjoy what their bodies can do for them.

I am not saying that your DD has an ED - none of us here can make a diagnosis. But I would take this further with some expert help. Have a look at the B-EAT website - lots of good info there.

Here's another thought: do you think your changing shape as your pregnancy progresses is upsetting to her? Teenaged minds go in all sorts of directions…

Break the silence.
Do something fun together, do not mention 'food' or 'diet' or 'weight'.
Find out if she is happy and if not, why not.
Take it from there

She is probably under a lot of adult and peer pressure to be perfect at school, too.

I agree with various PPs that there is a self-esteem issue here and I think that as you can obviously afford it, some paid-for counselling wouldn't go amiss. I paid for DD to see a private psych while we were waiting for her first psychiatrist appointment, and she worked on things like self-esteem and dealing with frustration and stress. DD actually found the counselling a bit frustrating ("she doesn't take me seriously" because they did relaxation exercises rather than talk all the time!) - but she improved hugely over a fairly short period.

There are food/weight issues here too, though - a tall, very (extremely) light teenager talking about dieting and losing (more) weight - that should be ringing alarm bells about anorexia. Has she lost any weight recently, even just a few kg? Is she having regular periods?

Asking I do admittedly use the word perfect a lot, but not always to her face, O of course tell her how beautiful she is and how lucky her Dad and I are to have her as a daughter, but I am also the parent that tells her where she needs to improve, whether it be education wise, or in other areas