To ban my 14 yo DD from dieting?

[NamelessAndShameless]

DD just turned 14 and has started saying she's fat, needs to diet etc, DH and I told her she does not need to diet, but she stormed off. We always eat healthily in our family (breakfast fruit, lunch healthy sarnies), we have one young baby and another on the way, so we're definitely trying to make sure that family stays happy and healthy! The main problem with dd dieting is that she honestly doesn't need to - not saying this in a motherly "my daughter's perfect" way, it's just that she is literally the perfect weight for her age. I dug a little further, and it turns out she's being bullied at school by "friends" saying she's "flabby" (that's a thing?). Anyway, I've told her that in no uncertain terms she is to not eat, or fast or whatever the latest weight loss shit exists, and she said that I'm an awful mother, and hasn't spoken to me for 3 days now. Have I done something wrong? Do dh and I need to look into getting her some help, or is that even worse?

speaking of letters, how about you give her this and tell her you didn't write it but you may as well have...

Misti No judging, but what do you mean as we can obviously afford it?!

When did her GP say her weight was normal?
Her height and weight won't even register on the NHS BMI calculation site.
www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/Healthyweightcalculator.aspx

Really great post by pacific.

DD and I walk together a lot and talk about stuff (usually her hobby - music) and it has been part of her "cure"

GP visit must have been two months ago?? However dd has had a huge HUGE growth spurt since then, she must have grown a good few inches but not gained much weight

Did you say 5'9 and 39 Kgs, that is seriously underweight, she probably needs to be an extra 10 kilos, please check this out with some on line system you trust and look into it before speaking to her.

Also, you said, "I'm pregnant it's really hard to find something the whole family wants to eat, I've got weird cravings, dh is back late from work, and we have another baby who's nearly a year old and she's a bit of a fussy eater of late, so it's a tough one ...."

Can I ask if you DH is her dad and if not have you and your dh been together long?

Is there any chance any of this is attention seeking from a girl who had you almost to herself for a long time and is now sharing you with a baby and a bump, and maybe a step dad too? Sorry if that sounds rude and maybe you and dh have been together for ages but it just rings alarm bells that maybe she is doing some of this for attention (MORE THAN HAPPY to be wrong).

Misti Dd and I talk about everything, we both play the Piano and Violin and love to play together

Nameless sorry if that came across wrong! But you had said that if she ever developed signs of an ED you'd get prompt help, and as you are in the UK that has to mean private. Plus your dd is at preppy private school etc.

We paid for private counselling too. Absolutely no judgement intended!

I have a terrible relationship with food and I can't help with a teenager as my babies are still babies. I know my parents let me choose what I ate at 16 to lose weight and although I had the same thing for dinner everyday I don't think I chose that badly (salmon fillet, butterbeans, broad beans and two baked tomatoes), I honestly can't remember what I ate in the day and I have PCOS. Asking her what she wants to eat might surprise you.

My main reason for commenting is to say to definitely slap mil in the face when she makes such a comment. It is rude and disrespectful to anyone (forgetting family) to judge someone on their appearance and to voice their opinion to that person... My husband's family does this to him on a multitude of things, personally if it was my family I would cut all contact making it clear why, but years of this have really worn down his confidence. It's a truly toxic thing to do to someone and I couldn't stand by allowing it to happen to my child, so please don't let it happen to your daughter

Italian Dh and I have been together since Uni, we met at Oxford and have been together ever since, he is Dds biological dad. As for the baby, she's 8 months and dd1 loves her to pieces and she always wants to help out and give lots of cuddles, and when I first told her I was pregnant again, she was absolutely overjoyed. As her mum, I can definitely see this is not an attention issue, she is not a selfish girl at all and volunteers locally a lot too

However dd has had a huge HUGE growth spurt since then, she must have grown a good few inches but not gained much weight

It may then be that her very slender build is natural rather than due to restricting food intake, but honestly - she is VERY light and if she's talking about being fat she has a SERIOUS body image problem!

Misti I'm so sorry on my behalf too! A lot of people presume locally that because dd1 goes to private secondary and we live in Sussex, and dh is a lawyer, that we're quite minted (not so true) so I'm just a bit ...

£NamelessAndShameless Re "Italian Dh and I have been together since Uni, we met at Oxford and have been together ever since, he is Dds biological dad. As for the baby, she's 8 months and dd1 loves her to pieces and she always wants to help out and give lots of cuddles, and when I first told her I was pregnant again, she was absolutely overjoyed. As her mum, I can definitely see this is not an attention issue, she is not a selfish girl at all and volunteers locally a lot too." Fabulous* I am very happy to be wrong.

But I do think she is seriously underweight unless those figures are not correct, 39 KG and 5'9. I've been around anorexic people a tiny bit and I have had an eating disorder (the other way- over eating) so maybe I am prone to see alarm where none is needed!

Misti I honestly haven't spoken to dd about it much, and I'm not so sure she thinks she's fat, I'm pretty much believing it's about the fact that girls at school are dieting and saying she should too, and then her grandmother is inflicting a negative image too, and I believe that rather than her thinking she's fat, she wants to be more healthy by dieting rather than lose weight, but I'm really not so sure, and when she gets back from my Mum's, I think that we'll sit down, just the two of us and sort out what she's really thinking

Italian Thanks for your concern! I do think that I just really really need to keep an eye out for her not eating, but dh is a little worried because she eats a lot at dinner, but recently hasn't gained any weight, like at all for these past couple of weeks, but is still obsessing about dieting, it's all quite concerning atm, but I don't think we're going to get help unless it is clear that she does have an ED

I think it might be easier to work this out by splitting it into separate issues:

1. MIL - get her told. Totally not unreasonable to ban visits when this is having such a profound effect on your DD.

1. Friends tell her she's flabby. You need to speak to about what's being said and why your DD think it's being said to her. This then needs to be brought up with the school. It might be just the prompt needed for the school to do a talk on body image etc. I'd be surprised if they haven't done something similar already cause this is becoming more and more common.

1. What's going on with her EXCEPT for the body image issues. 14 is a hormonal age, it's typically when your body changes in ways that you're not really sure of and not alway comfortable with. Is she going through anything else at the moment? Exam stress or anything similar? Her way of dealing with stress might be to diet (which she could have been doing for a while with out you know - I know I did this) or restrict her eating which is something you want to try and get on top of now. It might not be the case but it's worth finding out if it's time to try teaching some relaxation techniques etc.

1. The body issues. While I would be very concerned about her extremely low weight, at the moment it doesn't sound like a food issue - it sounds more like a body image issue. That needs to be addressed first - loads of good advice from PP on this.

1. Fussy eating. It's amazing how often this is the common starting point for EDs. I'm not suggesting this is something your DD has but I think it's worth looking at when that started happen and what else was going on around that time and keep an eye on it so that if it does start to get any worse you're on the ball.

If she wants to be healthy, fabulous, she should eat healthy foods - a varied diet with lots of vegetables, some fruit, protein and healthy fats, carbohydrates that give the energy a growing body needs. She should not restrict her food intake in any way.
The body image, the idea that she 'should' diet, that's all really quite worrying.

Btw, many people with all sorts of 'food intolerances', sticking to v restrictive faddy diets, claim to be 'gluten intolerant' or who 'cannot eat out because restaurants are dirty' are hiding EDs. Of course lots of food allergies and intolerances exists, but there is a significant subset of people sticking to very restrictive ranges of food under the veil of health reasons because this is socially more acceptable.

I don't think we're going to get help unless it is clear that she does have an ED

It's not necessarily an either/or situation - people can slip into disordered eating quite gradually.
Anyway, lots of good advice on this thread. I hope she'll feel better about herself soon.

rwilkinson That's the thing, DD hasn't appeared to be a fussy eater, she eats everything off her plate, but she still feels like she needs to diet, and I do not exactly cook unhealthy food in my home, we're all very pro salad in this household!
I'm also glad that you do not think I am being unreasonable for considering not allowing MIL to see kids, especially as her bitchy comments have affected dd so much. RE the friends, I am very good friends with dd's best friend's mum, have known her for 20 years and see her regularly, and I have been confiding in her with this issue very much lately, and it seems that my girl has not been the only one in that school that has been pressured into dieting, as her oldest daughter (16?) feel victim to dieting when she was 12 and it took her a long time to feel happy in herself again apparently, would it maybe be a good idea to ask her to talk to my dd or is this a bit crazy?

I would add to rwilkinson's list:

1. unselfishness and eagerness to please. Ime a good many girls who develop anorexia are of exactly this type: perfectionists, self-sacrificers, performance driven, the kind of people who have incredibly high standards for themselves.

Pacific Yes thank you for your advice xx, and I shall talk with hubbie tonight about maybe getting dd some help, but re food intolerance, she will eat pretty much anything we give her

Thanks cory I agree, dd is very much a perfectionist, and is very driven, sometimes too much, and I think it's probably myself and dh's fault in some ways, as we are very driven with our jobs, and strive to achieve highly in life, whether it be job-wise or parenting

I don't think you necessaruily need to change anything, you just need to a) reinforce your daughter's self-esteem b) keep an eye on her c) keep her away from negative types as much as possible and d) think if there's anyhting she might enjoy out of school that would be fun - drama club or something?

NamelessAndShameless Great that one of the other Mums has seen this before (not great it happened but you get my meaning). I maybe wouldn't get your DD to talk to your friends eldest daughter just yet. It could come off as if she's being ganged up on and could have totally the opposite effect. The last thing you want to happen here is that she shuts down and doesn't tell you anything. Does your friends DD have any natural involvement with your DD?

Speak to her yourself first and also address PP addition to my previous list about the perfectionist attitude.

Asking Well, as I said, she's pretty involved in everything, helps at home, at dh's work, she does some extra-curricular clubs at school, she does horse-riding, but also volunteers locally so she's pretty busy